[Junie]

Maybe this will help and maybe this won't, but this is what happens when I turn down my husband. We will be laying in bed, or really any place private, and he will put his had under my shirt, I will bat his hand away and say no, then he will start kissing my neck and put his hand back under my shirt, sometimes I say no a few more times, but he is persistent and my no always turns into a yes.

I am not condoning force, however just asking your wife to have sex won't cut it, show how much you want her, my husband always makes me feel like he is going to explode with lust if he doesnt take me as soon as possible.

[rcoreyus]

Junie - it may work for you, but its a bit of a spooky game that could get out of hand. If you encourage him to understand that "no" means "try again", or "keep trying", some time when he is a bit drunk, more than usually aroused, etc, he might misread a real "NO". Not fair to him, not good for you. What would you do if you REALLY didn't want sex that day?

[Mitchel1870]

I think over time we stop trying to impress one another. Some couples are luckier I guess, or perhaps both learned give. Its not fair when one gives more than the other, that what I seem to always read here. I feel like my wife stopped trying to make me feel special. I am sure I made mistakes in the past, everyone in a relationship has. How do you overcome them?

I have tried to make my wife feel special and loved. I don't think that always works. I have given her everything I could. She is cold to me, we have sex but it is like another poster lights out and only missionary. Oral was something that was 'kinda of done' early on but strangely stopped after the marriage contract was finalized. Even during sex I feel like I annoy her (trying to kiss her or caress her). I think she prefers HJ's to sex, personally. If my penis detached from my body I think she would be happier. I sleep downstairs and I am not allowed up in the bed with her, I make too much noise. So I sleep on the couch. She refuses deep kissing and basically complains about the smell of any food I eat, my stubble (even after shaving). If I have a glass of wine I am relegated to the man cave due to smell.

Perhaps HD was right, I gave her have an inch but she took a mile. I loved and respected this person and gave her what ever she asked for. What should we do HD fight over every inch every moment along the way?

She is okay with the way things are. It is normal and everyone is like this I am told. We are mid thirties now and not in our teens and twenties. I was told I should stop thinking like a teenager. I wonder what the forties will bring?

[Hopeless Dork]

Mitchell... what you describe sounds so hurtful. Not being allowed in the bed, being scolded for breath, stubble, noise... and whats this business about everyone in their 30's is having some boring sex life... I think she thinks if she keeps saying that maybe even SHE might believe it to be true. I do think you've let this go on too long and went along with things being her way or the highway... that she forgot how to compromise, how to be kind.

Was she EVER loving? Was she ever affectionate? Did she ever enjoy kissing and being close? If you were a woman here posting that your husband didn't allow you in bed with him because you snored, that he would not lay next to you if your legs were not shaved to perfection right before bed... that was told she stunk . I am feeling confident that most would say that woman was being emotionally abused, controlled and mistreated... just because you are a man I don't see why it should be viewed any other way.

Is there anything that she does that makes YOU feel wanted or special? Do you feel loved at all? And if so what does she do that makes you feel that way?

[Mitchel1870]

When we were dating I thought I had found the one for life. We couldn't keep our hands off one another. She was very generous, loving and caring. I don't now how it got this far off the path. Couple of kids, couple of deaths in the family, stressful job, weight gain (both of us though she has the issues with her weight). Had I known then what i know now.

I do feel some attention when we have sex, even though it is limited in what can be done and there is no foreplay (for me) or kissing. I feel good when she has pleasure, though she won't let me kiss her breasts or give her oral. She claims it is too sensitive. I know she has problems with semen, and she is disgusted with her own fluids. Looking back she is very much like her mom (cold).

Its not fair to blame all of it on her too, there are two sides to the story. I have tried to apologize for working too much for a few years, even left a stressful job for a less stressful one (went from feeling like 35 to feeling like 25).

I am at the fork in the road so to speak and having trouble picking a path. I want to be happy but I also don't want to hurt her. Problem is I still look at her face and just feel love and resentment at the same time. She won't discuss it with anyone and flipped out when I told her I had talked to a professional without her. She thinks that talking about sex is a betrayal to the marriage, it should never be talked about. Not even between us.

I also keep thinking who the would want me. Couldn't bear to walk out on the kids too.

[rcoreyus]

Mitchel1870, your situation is miserable, and sadly not unique. You have my sympathy, my situation is bad, but not as bad, and I understand what you are going through. I'll also say that I've waited 25 years, done everything I can think of and it hasn't improved - rather has gradually gotten worse.

Not all couples are like this, there are many people in their 30s, 40s, 50, 60s, even 70s who have active wonderful sex lives. Most couples have it much better than this - but I bet your wife doesn't believe that. She probably believes the sex scenes in movies are just made-up, that real couples have sex once a month or so - and that just because the man wants it.

Is she Asexual? Lesbian? was she molested as a child? who knows. You can try talking to her, but that is probably difficult.

You can stay in the relationship and be miserable, and probably cheat when the opportunity arises (who could blame you). Wish I had a suggestion.

[stressed]

You stop giving. Eventually they will want out themselves and you won't feel sorry for them.

[oxy-moron]

Do some research on Oxytocin. It is the bonding hormone that keeps long term relationships working - Parent to child - Partner to Partner- Male to Female ,Female to Female. Male to Male. A lot of research is being done into it at the moment by pharma companies.
It can be manipulated by physical contact - once it starts to work you will be amazed by its benefits. You will become a different person yourself the results will impact on everyone you come into contact with. Your partner will become closer to the children and everyone they come into contact with. Just by providing touch you will make your partner change their behaviour. I believe it is the master hormone behind happiness- and the only thing that can provide true long term happiness.
If you want to try to use it start providing light massage to a safe non threatening area of the body- head,neck feet.
Continue to provide this touching as well as casual stroking without letting it slide into sex. This will slowly boost oxytocin levels in both parties.
Over a few months your partner will start to treat you differently. They will start doing things for you off their own bat as you will for them.
(Make sure you sleep in the same bed as research as Oxytocin levels are somehow linked by proximity in mammals)
While you may think providing massage would become a chore it will soon become something you love doing.
It sounds like Alpha Italian does this type behaviour naturally. Of course everyone is different but no one can resist oxytocin - It is programmed into everybody as the chemical that forms the Parent -child bond.- Sorry if I have started to preach.

[stressed]

If it's this hormone then several people out there just don't have it. So many give endless and frequent massages for several years, make it known that it's not about it leading to sex, only to have their partners fall asleep or want to do something else in the end.

Interesting to know, but I'm afraid it may not be just this.

[Texasred]

...Oral was something that was 'kinda of done' early on but strangely stopped after the marriage contract was finalized.

Old joke: Know what a woman says to let you know you're not ever getting oral sex again?
"I do."

Even during sex I feel like I annoy her (trying to kiss her or caress her). I think she prefers HJ's to sex, personally. ...I sleep downstairs and I am not allowed up in the bed with her, I make too much noise.... She refuses deep kissing...

Hello, are you me? Did I write this??? I could have, I know.

She is okay with the way things are. It is normal and everyone is like this I am told. I wonder what the forties will bring?

What will your 40s bring? More of the same - or rather, less. And your 50s? Even less!

Are you going to stick around to find out?