[Hopeless Dork]

I never said anything about settling , bob -- I said to evaluate your standards and do some SELF-examination. As in think about what you are wanting in a person and ask yourself if YOU, yourself, live up to want you want in another human being. If you are looking for some completely unflawed soul, some virgin, someone that doesn't know what a penis is... ask yourself if you are bringing the same thing to the table, which, we know you wouldn't be. If you are seeking a woman with extreme intelligence, ask yourself are you as well-read as you demand her to be, are you as successful as you are expecting from a woman. If its physical perfection you are seeking... stop and take a good hard look at any flaws you'd hope SHE would overlook to accept YOU.. you'd have to be willing to do the exact same thing.

Opposites can attract, but more often than not, like attracts like. An amibitious person will not be happy for long with a person that has thrown in the towel. A couch potato will likely get left behind from a partner with an extremely active lifestyle. No, you are never going to find a replica of yourself, and who'd want to? Theres always going to be differences and thats what makes life fun.

But I ask that you do the self-examination... I am not saying SETTLE... I am saying to remember the golden rule and treat others like you want to be treated, to expect no more from someone that you are or are willing to be. If you want to be loved for whats inside your heart, not your job, not the size of your penis, not your hair, not your wallet... then you should consider , just consider the idea of loving someone in the way you hoped to be loved.

Of course you want to be with someone you are attracted to, of course you want to be with someone you get along with, of course you want to be with someone who is compatible to your lifestyle... but if its perfection, total perfection free from dings, free from pasts, free from a blemish on the skin... you will be alone. None of us are perfect.

[bob_smith]

bob, if you want to continue this lifestyle until you are at a point in your life where you have your resources together, then continue.

i have no intention of continuing this lifestyle. i might even go into politics some day, though the odds are very small and if this behavior becomes known then my enemies will love this.

You could have a girl friend now, and she could be someone to marry if you fall in love. When you get older and want to fall in love and marry, what guarantee is there that you will find someone compatible? Don't wait.

maybe i'm still disillusioned with love. i was in love with the same woman for 3 years and she didn't love me back and we only had one conversation and i saw her maybe 20 times. i know it sounds strange, but trust me it's true. i tried 6 times to break free from her spell but i could never do it. in my 20's i just made too made bad decisions about which women to pursue. i'm sort of burned out and cynical. i always got a long really great with women that i knew well but i made the wrong decisions and decided to chase after women i didn't know. i should have stuck with the one's i knew well.

[bob_smith]

If you are looking for some completely unflawed soul, some virgin, someone that doesn't know what a penis is...

no, that's not one of my requirements.

ask yourself if you are bringing the same thing to the table, which, we know you wouldn't be.

i do however want someone who believes sex is sacred. i'm less concerned with her actual actions.

But I ask that you do the self-examination... I am not saying SETTLE... I am saying to remember the golden rule and treat others like you want to be treated, to expect no more from someone that you are or are willing to be. If you want to be loved for whats inside your heart, not your job, not the size of your penis, not your hair, not your wallet... then you should consider , just consider the idea of loving someone in the way you hoped to be loved.

i will keep this in mind and i'm not being sarcastic.

[Ashlee T.]

i go because i can't resist

And this is why my advice to seek professional counseling still stands. Your views on this are very distorted and confused....to the point that you cannot even explain them.

You want something that looks a certain way, basically "I want her to think sex is sacred, whether or not she has treated it as sacred or not"...... so you want her to look like something she's not. Which would make her a hypocrit.

if i'm in a dishonest relationship, meaning i believe there is no future with the woman and i'm just using her for some fun, then i'm lying every time i look at her in the face.

What people are asking is why is there an assumption that you would be in a dishonest relationship? I agree you should not be in a relationship where you're looking for only fun and see nothing with the woman....unless of course you have both agreed to a casual sex relationship. There are LOTS of women out there that view sex as sacred. There are LOTS of women out there who are intelligent and very intellectual. Why not enter into a relationship with one of THOSE women instead of focusing your attentions on women who are either A. profiting off giving you a BJ or B. Are around you for reasons OTHER than to hook up.

These are things that I truly don't think any of us are going to be able to help you sort out. We could all tell you this stuff until we're blue in the face and it makes little if any impact on you at all. Your actions simply do not match your words.

[Hopeless Dork]

I think the counseling would be greatly important too, bob. Your views on women, and sex, I don't know how you developed them but they are crippling you from a normal healthy relationship. You are looking for something that doesn't exsist, maybe so you won't feel so bad about being alone? Like , meh, no ones good enough for me anyway... let me just warm up this tv dinner and watch some porn. But does that really comfort you? Do you still feel like something is missing? The fact that you are posting here makes it seem like you do realize you want more out of your exsistence. It seems like you only turn your attention to women that would not be interested in you, the couch surfing, strippers, prosititutes... women that are relating to strictly because you are paying them or because they are extending some form of charity (letting you stay at their home).

Its almost as if you avoiding women that may actually like you, so that if they don't... you won't have to deal with rejection. So instead you set your sights only on women that at the very least won't deny you attention, a bj, offering you a room, giving you a lapdance etc. You don't talk at all about any interactions with women where you have to put forth an effort to gain their interest... and until you do you won't meet any genuine, or at least anyone genuine that is looking for something similiar.

Really I think counseling would benefit you.

[bob_smith]

I think the counseling would be greatly important too, bob.

i believe counseling is a rip off. i'm not going to pay someone 200 dollars for advice that i can get from a friend. i used to go to some 12 step groups and to give you an idea of how rare these groups are in a city of about 50,000 there will be about maybe 20 men that try these 12 step groups once a year. i gave it a pretty good effort but after about a year and a half i gave up.

Your views on women, and sex, I don't know how you developed them but they are crippling you from a normal healthy relationship. You are looking for something that doesn't exsist, maybe so you won't feel so bad about being alone? Like , meh, no ones good enough for me anyway... let me just warm up this tv dinner and watch some porn. But does that really comfort you? Do you still feel like something is missing?

actually, i don't curl up with a tv dinner and porn, i curl with porn and a bottle of wine. but i only mix porn with alcohol about twice a month, but of course i admit that it's a problem. as i have already stated i have been trying to kick my addiction to porn for about 10 years with very little success (my record is 52 days without it). but yes, you're right, of course it makes me feel empty afterwards. on the other hand, i have to confess that i used to have a filter on my computer so that it was really hard to look at porn on my computer and i hate to admit it but i was actually more depressed without porn than i was with it. but i still want to give it another try to go without soon, i'm just afraid of the depression that will come with it.

The fact that you are posting here makes it seem like you do realize you want more out of your exsistence. It seems like you only turn your attention to women that would not be interested in you, the couch surfing, strippers, prosititutes... women that are relating to strictly because you are paying them or because they are extending some form of charity (letting you stay at their home).

maybe, i dont' know

Its almost as if you avoiding women that may actually like you,

this is definitely true. i could have married lina back in june 2009 but it would have been very difficult. we would have had a lot of fights. she couldn't marry a non-muslim. so for her to marry me would have been a big sacrifice for her. lina was certainly special and i have a lot of respect for her but i still think i made the right decision. you only get to decide who you marry once so you have to be careful.

So instead you set your sights only on women that at the very least won't deny you attention, a bj, offering you a room, giving you a lapdance etc.

see, i'm not sure if it's because i'm afraid of rejection i visit prostitutes. i'm not afraid of rejection. as a guy you have to learn very quick to deal with rejection. guys get rejected all the time. you can't let it bother you. if you're a guy and you let rejection bother you, you will get no where because it happens all the time FOR NO REASON. of course when i was younger i really took rejection hard and a lot of times it really crippled me, especially because i got along so well with women. i could never get the women i wanted, but i had several women that did want me. i made mistakes, no doubt about it. i should have accepted some of the women that liked me.

You don't talk at all about any interactions with women where you have to put forth an effort to gain their interest... and until you do you won't meet any genuine, or at least anyone genuine that is looking for something similiar.

this is only because i haven't taken the time to explain my past. trust me, i have put in a lot of effort. there have been a lot of women that i have not given up on for very long periods of time. (so long as they don't firmly say no, i consider that it's ok to keep up the pressure. when they get made though that's when you have to back off, usually though they like the attention) back in 2005 i think i made the mistake of chasing after women based on their myspace profile (this was back when myspace was better than facebook) it's true that i found about 3 or 4 who had profiles very similar to mine and this after a search of maybe 2000 profiles but they never responded.

but it is true that since aug 2009 i haven't put in any effort towards finding a good woman, unless you consider contacting women on okcupid.

[Hopeless Dork]

Online dating for men is HARD. Women really do rule the roost in the world of online dating, they put up a profile and boom.. hit after hit after hit. Men put up profiles and then get hit with porn spam, come visit my website spam so much that its hard to tell if they are talking to a woman or an advertisement, then they send a message to a woman that sparks his interest and she may get 50 a day and may not ever even open most of them.

Despite the numerous online dating success stories, the tried and true method of meeting someone out in the world should be where you expend the energy. And the best way to meet a woman that shares your interests is to get out there live... if you don't want a partying 24/7 gf , don't look for her in a bar/club, etc... go the to places and spend your time doing things you'd hope your future gf would enjoy doing too... thats where you will find her.

And the going hard til they get mad approuch doesn't work as well in real life as it does in romantic comedies. In real life it can end up in restraining orders more often than in relationships. With women , when you first start courting its a delicate balance of expressing interest without showing signs of desperation. Women want to feel like you need them once they become attached to you and you guys are in a relationship... but they get creeped out if they feel like you need them before you've ever even been to dinner with them.

Be kind and friendly to ALL women, whether you are attracted to them or not, its just good social practice. Get use to striking up relevent conversation, maintaining healthy eye contact /not too strong/not too weak... make sure you carry a sense of humour about yourself as that is the first thing that will make a woman feel comfortable around you.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You seem to analyse things Bob, things are fact and figures to you..

I recall you did this based on a small manority of friends, their comments and desided that that was gospel, factual, survey...

You should be an accountant...

In any event, it seems to me that your mind, is going too fast, fact/figures, addictions, worry, stress, searching, dreaming, planning, getting upset..

What do you do to slow your mind down? Do you meditate? That doesn't cost anything.. Do you believe in the power of the mind? Because, all that's going on in yours could be converted to quotes, your quotes that you repeat over and over to yourself such as " I don't need them"....

It's a bit also like positive verses negative.. The more you think positive the more every negative turns into one...

And a bit like you believe in God, then you believe in the Devil.... One is evil ...Wants to win....

Please do not state that American prostitutes are Ugly... Or any woman is Ugly for that matter, especially on a Women's Forum...because let me tell you, we are all beautiful...

CW

[Guest]

Wait a minute...

Is this the same bob_smith that doesn't believe in sex before marriage? Now hiring hookers?

Interesting....

[bob_smith]

Online dating for men is HARD. Women really do rule the roost in the world of online dating, they put up a profile and boom.. hit after hit after hit.

I know it was a long time ago but I did once put up a fake female profile to see how men approached her. I think it's hard to get a real good initial letter. Most men don't seem to really read the profile and think, hey, we're compatible. Most men seemed to be not very discriminating. In any case I am very disillusioned with online dating but I try it anyway because it's so easy.

Men put up profiles and then get hit with porn spam, come visit my website spam so much that its hard to tell if they are talking to a woman or an advertisement, then they send a message to a woman that sparks his interest and she may get 50 a day and may not ever even open most of them.

I know, this is very annoying. It actually wouldn't be that bad if the women could actually communicate. I've tried to communicate with those women that want you to visit their porn site, it's like i'm talking to a retard. i always give up after two minutes.

Despite the numerous online dating success stories, the tried and true method of meeting someone out in the world should be where you expend the energy. And the best way to meet a woman that shares your interests is to get out there live... if you don't want a partying 24/7 gf , don't look for her in a bar/club, etc... go the to places and spend your time doing things you'd hope your future gf would enjoy doing too... thats where you will find her.

I've done all that but it's also very demoralizing. what's very demoralizing is the long car ride home. i lived in a town about an hour away from dc. so i remember driving an hour just to participate in some group that shared my interests and then after two hours of talking and not meeting anyone, then i'd have to drive home for an hour, knowing that i didn't meet anyone. that was the worse part. i'm not really looking forward to doing that when i move back to america because i know how frustrating it is.

Women get creeped out if they feel like you need them before you've ever even been to dinner with them.

That's where i think they make a mistake. sure, if i guy has a real tough time controlling themselves you've got to move on. but if i was a woman i would rather have a guy who is slightly insane because of love than be alone or be with a guy who has no passion which i think is actually kind of common.