[oxy-moron]

You could try what worked for me but you will have to ask yourself what you would do if your wife started wanting sex more often than you do?

A good first step is to get a book called cupids poison arrow-or go to its website -reuniting. This will give you the background on why things start with a burst of flame and fizzle out over time.

Ultimately what you need to do is to boost the level of non sexual touch going on.
Touch her casually on the back when you are walking past. walk up to her from behind when she is seated then steal a kiss on her ear and walk away-not waiting around for a result- massage her feet. Take Clarets suggestion for a massage SPA but you provide the massage(non sexual) in your own home. Compliment her regularly.

You will be doing the type things you did in the early part of the relationship that you did without thinking- but stopped doing over the years.
This type of behaviour will have to go on for weeks so that you build her Oxytocin levels to the point where she will be thinking of sex.
This does take work but you will get other benefits yourself. When the sex does pick up - dont make it about seeking orgasms but about getting more bonded.

Do some of your own research about Oxytocin on Google-
It is high in the early part of a relationship- I think that having high levels of it makes women more interested in Sex and it makes men into better communicators both with word and their eyes. Once it is working you will start making better eye contact with her ( and possibly with women in general) and she will have more interest in sex with you( but may be more interested in men in general as well)

Give it a try- start slowly.

[Claret]

I only meant to say that she may not know the why of her anger and that this may be one way she can get some control in her life. It may not have anything to do with you at all.

[TroubledMan]

Alright, thanks all for the feedback. One thing I should point out though is that I do and have always touched her lovingly. When I get home from work, I'll put my hand on her shoulder and kiss her head and then start cooking. I kiss her goodbye each morning if shes still at home when I leave. I rub her feet when we're watching movies. Maybe she's just gotten so used to these kinds of gestures that it doesn't do anything for her anymore.

[oxy-moron]

Go to the Reuniting web site and read- The other half of the equation is the Coolidge effect. This is a mammalian mechanism that prevents couples mating continuously with each other. This causes couples to become disinterested in each other orgasm and the hangover it creates can last weeks to a month.

[TroubledMan]

Go to the Reuniting web site and read- The other half of the equation is the Coolidge effect. This is a mammalian mechanism that prevents couples mating continuously with each other. This causes couples to become disinterested in each other orgasm and the hangover it creates can last weeks to a month.

That's an interesting theory. However, from what I'm reading this just means the time needed for a male to recover the ability to have an erection (minus a new and unfamiliar female) is...extended.
That is definitely not a problem for me yet.
I think it just comes down to work stress that she hasn't figured out how to leave at work. Can't say I've figured that one out either though. But for me at least, work stress doesn't get in the way of desire, which makes it hard to relate to how she's feeling.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Finances are the root of all evil...If she is totally stressed and comes from a family of Lawyers or one, she may feel she has to fullfill something there...Girls look up to their Dads and parents want everything for their children, added stress

One forced her, and the other was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive.

Then sex is sex... You say you want flirting, fun....she would see that as "sex" ...You say you try to seduce her, she would see that as sex, someone going for the kill....

Emotional abuse is the worse... It takes away if you let it, whom you are and unless you can let go of that abuse and know who you are, you are in a constant battle with yourself and who you are, nothing about you is good enough.

Oxymoron is totally correct and even if you do give her back massages and feet rubs and don't ask for anything don't stop doing those things it's those intimate moments that she needs.

Backing out of the shower after asking you to be part of it, means there is an emotional issue here at hand in my opinion on the word sex... I see you say you give 100% when it happens and you are doing the right things with love without wanting anything in return, but I'd be trying the constant holding, looking into her eyes, and telling her you don't want sex, you miss her and she is beautiful and you love her, you want to be loved.............and you want to make love to her........

[Guest]

Couple comments for you:

When you did have sex, did she enjoy and orgasm? If not, women lose interest quickly. Make sure she is satified first and preferably more than once. There are some good books on making sure "She comes first" is one.

Secondly, try lots more non sexual touching. Make sure she knows she is loved.

You might want to sit her down and suggest 1 night a week with no electronics. Get out and do something.

Would you consider her to be self centered? It sounds like she is somewhat controlling in your activities. Nip that in the bud because, it seems America has a large population of self centered, controlling people (women and men) but especially women. I see it in my wife's friends. They are not friends unless your doing what they want to do.

Nip this in the bud now because it only gets worse. Counseling may wake her up OR, at least bring this to a head.

[Hopeless Dork]

I'm sorry for your situation... here are some suggestions that came to my mind when I read what you wrote:

Don't invite her upstairs... just the invitiation alone sets an expection, come up stairs with me, I want to have sex with you. In a perfect relationship, that would be all you need to say , a wink a nudge lol.. (it works in mine sometimes!!) But when dealing with someone that has grown cold sexually... you have to keep the pressure off, instead... try:

Rubbing her shoulders while she sits at the computer... then kissing the top of her head and asking her if she wants a really good massage she'll have to lay down! If she doesn't take you up on it, don't get mad. Just keeping rubbing her back where she sits. If she does join you for a back rub. Give an awesome back rub and leave it at that... don't push for more at all...

If she's insecure about her looks, keep the lights very dim when you join her in the room, or when she joins you.

Offer her snuggles, affection and compliments without the expectation of sex. Women are good at noticing a routine. If every time you come up and hold her... 20 minutes later you are wanting sex... they can (if they are not that sexually inclined) become resentful of your touch, of your snuggles... of all the things that would organically make them feel close to you and even want to be sexual with you in most cases... because they feel like its a set up, a trap, a motivated snuggle rather than just plain ol' affection.

When she tells you about her gut, don't let silence fill the room. Instead go over and hug her and tell her that she's the most beautiful woman in the world to you. Even if she argues with you over it, she hears it... and it helps even if you can't see it immediatly. Silence is almost an agreement to what she said. Even if what she says is true, don't ever agree that there is something wrong with her body. It will reinforce her negative self-image and reduce her interest in having you touch her.

Compliment her, find something to compliment about her every day. Women rarely get tired of hearing good things about themselves. The fact she takes lots of pictures of herself is a huge red flag that she is desperate for affirmation of her beauty... so give it to her. I use to be shy about sex with my boyfriend because of body image issues. But slowly over time his words of how sexy he thought i was, how beautiful he found my body... finaaaaalllllly resonated with me. For so long I would think... he's just saying that. But eventually, I believed him. It was the look in his eyes when he said it. And how he never got tired of reassuring me that i wasn't any of the bad things about myself I would say.

Women want sex more when they FEEL sexy. If you feel like a messy hobo the last thing you want to do is have sex. So help her to feel sexy, by telling her that she is.


I'm not sayign any of the above will work... at this point, it really couldn't hurt. And as far as your self-service, if she is aware of this, very aware, if your leaving porn on the computer etc... it very well could drive her away from you further. If she has low self esteem and see's the other women your masturbating to, she might feel like you are better off doing that than having to deal with her. Seriously, it can make a woman feel defeated... so use care in your managing of the situation.

[Ashlee T.]

I think what HD said is the root of so many issues in relationships today. Women are different than men, that's no secret. We're different in almost every way. And because of that we find it hard to relate to each other when it comes to things like sex. Sex is VERY emotionally based for us. Affection feels good. But if any sign of affection leads to trying to get into my pants, then I stop wanting the affection. We are human too....we need to be loved, we need to be touched, we need to be cherished. Sex is only a small fractional part of the affection two people should share.

Let me give you an example of a situation of my own. My boyfriend is very passive and has a horrible time initiating sex. One night, he gave me a massage, and it lead to sex. Since then, every time he wants sex he asks to give me a massage. I can lay there while he's massaging me and KNOW that this is not just a massage for me to relax and feel good. This is a massage because he's horny and wants to get me into an easy position to initiate sex. And he does. Every time. The last time, I had visited him even though I was absolutely exhausted. I could barely hold my eyes open. After we ate and took my dog on a walk, I laid on the couch to watch some tv and he sat beside me. In an instance when he doesn't want sex, he doesn't touch me anymore than just a hand on a leg or something like that. But in this instance, he was rubbing my legs, reaching up to rub my back, constant affection. I knew...but I was abnormally tired, and I ignored it. When I get to a certain level of exhaustion, I just shut down. I laid there basically lifeless with my eyes shut while he made his way from rubbing on my feet and legs (As if he were just helping me relax) to full blown sex. In my cloudy exhaustion, I had to TELL him to put on a condom. It was selfish, it was about him, it was about his satisfaction.........and the affection he showed me leading up to that, was ALL about him as well.

That may seem like nothing to you. But to a woman, (or at least this woman), it felt wrong. It felt selfish. It felt like what I wanted (to rest, to be cuddled, etc) was totally disregarded. And now, just like I said, EVERY time he asks to massage me, I know for 100% fact what is on his mind, and it's NOT unselfishly trying to make me feel good.

Affection does not equal sex. Sex does not equal affection.

[Guest]

All the ladies advice above is good and useful, but, at the end of the day, if she doesn't allow you to have sex then she is not fulfilling her end of the relationship. By that I mean that when two people get together and "mate" for want of a word, then I think both parties have a responsibility to ensure that the other is regularly sexually satisfied. ( i don't think anyone will argue with that?) So if she is lazy about your needs, or for whatever reason is constantly uninterested, then you have to decide maybe to move on. But if you do then tell her that the reason you are moving is not because you don't love her, but that you simply cannot go the rest of your life without sex! Sorry, but sometimes you have to be blunt when all else has failed! Tell her you may as well be friends and you'll look for sexual satisfaction somewhere else.