[MARRIED AND FRUSTRATED]

My wife and I have been married for 21 years and when we were dating we would make love or should I say have sex 5-6 times a day sometimes less sometimes more. Fast forward to now and sex is almost non existent! I work shifts and I know when I get home she's getting ready to go to work. I bring flowers home atleast once a week twice this week I have had the Jacuzzi tub filled with candles burning and ready for her to unwind. Just dropping these subtle hints that I would love to have a little fun in the bedroom tonight! Nothing......we have made love 8 times since May and I am getting really frustrated! I'm not asking to go like jack rabbits like we did 20+ years ago but I don't think that once a week would be asking too much! It's not like I'm the typical lazy bum husband (no offense to other husbands) I do laundry clean house and do the dishes!! Is there anything I can do to help this situation out????

[Ashlee T.]

Frustrating indeed. I guess the first question would be, have you had a heart to heart with her about this? Then, what age is she? Is it possible that she is going through something hormonal? Has something in her life or health changed in the recent past?

[Claret]

There are issues that you are leaving out - How demanding is her job? Are there children still at home that would distract her? Are there meals to prepare? Have you other issues that would leave her unhappy or resentful? What else do you do to set the tone for an evening?
Just having the jacuzzi filled and you ready to go, doesn't mean she is ready to go. You should set the stage yes, but you should also prepare her. Spend the week just spending time with her, talk to her, help her through her day/week at work, ensure no other interruptions, put on music, dance, and laugh and have a good time. You've been together a long time, it sounds as if she just needs the spark lit off again. Sometimes, for me anyway, it just takes a reminder from my husband that he "desires" me still, and it melts my heart.

[LanaBear]

I agree with BD in talking to her... Or if you have, how is her response? Also, the possibility of it being hormonal... What is her age? Is she on birth control? A woman's sex drive comes and goes... Mine was virtually at a zero for a good number of years, now it's the total opposite.

How is your relationship otherwise? Any other stresses? Job, finances, etc. Is she happy with herself and her body?

[MARRIED AND FRUSTRATED]

Well Beautiful she will be 41 the 22nd of this month and yes i have had a heart to heart with her. she just says that sex isnt that important in a marriage and i totally disagree with her! Claret I talk to her all the time through the day the week and tell how beautiful she is and how sexy she is the whole works sometimes it might even be a little sappy!! i dont know! im at my wits end i dont know what else to do! i make sure when im working nights or off she doesnt have any household work to do at all when she get home all she has to do is relax! i even cook sometimes.......although i say i can burn water but i can make a few dishes so she doesnt have to cook! my kids are 13 17 and 21 only 2 still live at home!

[MARRIED AND FRUSTRATED]

Well Lana we just moved into our new house about 3 months ago now i guess and i dont think we have any financial problems all our bills are paid and have money in the bank! she works at the bank so if we have money problems she would know. i make pretty decent money for the midwest i guess maybe it is hormonal changes but getting her to the doc is like pulling teeth!!!! shes probably 5'6" maybe 135-140 i think she is beautiful and i would thinks so regardless if the sex was there!!! she's 41 and still wears a bikini for crying out loud! i love her more today than the day we met because back then i was dating a young girl now im married to gorgeous woman!!!

[Guest]

Here we go again. The amount of times we see this kind of thread. Having been there and experienced this as a man, I can say that the frustration is terrible. Is she interested at all in making sure you are sexually satisfied, even if she doesn't want full sex herself?? You see, I think it is not unreasonable for a woman not to want penetrative sex at times in her life. What is unreasonable though is when the woman has no concern over your needs/feelings.Try telling her very kindly and diplomatically that men need regular sex otherwise we simply go mad !! Try all the advice the ladies here give. If that fails, find someone else to have sex with. That's my advice. Too many people in this world live in sexless relationships through no fault of their own.

[Ashlee T.]

Try telling her very kindly and diplomatically that men need regular sex otherwise we simply go mad

Many women who are in relationships/marriages where their male partner wants nothing to do with them would beg to differ.

Is she interested at all in making sure you are sexually satisfied, even if she doesn't want full sex herself??

Much like many of the men we hear about from women on here who want no sex, or have no libido, satsifying their partner in other ways is also the last thing on their mind. Coming from a womans perspective, if I have no libido (have been there before) I have ZERO desire to give oral sex. And if I did it out of obligation, over and over and over, I'd grow to resent it and be disgusted by it. Id question why my partner would rather me give him oral sex, knowing I didn't want to, knowing I wasn't enjoying it, than to masturbate and get himself off. I'd feel used. If you ask most of the women who come here complaining about how their partners wont have sex with them, I'm sure most of them would tell you that those same partners do not perform oral, or worry about sexually pleasing them at all.

When I lost my libido (mine was definitely hormone related) sex was literally the last thing I wanted. Oral sex was the last thing I wanted. Any affection that would be misconstrued as possibly LEADING to sex was the last thing I wanted. I couldn't help it. I didn't understand it. And at the time I felt that sex was NOT important and that it shouldn't matter. I resented the very thought or insinuation that I should reward my partner with sex (because he loaded the dishwasher or made supper. *rolling eyes*) whether I wanted it or not. Sex should be fun and enjoyable an satisfying, not a chore or obligation. And I was simply disgusted by the fact that my partner at the time was not at all concerned about WHY I had lost my libido...... only with whether or not I had sex with him. If i had continued having sex with him, not wanting it, not enjoying it, he'd have never complained. But what about WHAT IS CAUSING IT?? Like I said, for me it was hormonal (birth control pills).... but is it hormonal for her? Is it a loss of spark? Is it stress? Is it something else medically related?

I have known so many women that have gone through these periods in their lives. I would not recommend commiting adultery in a 20+ year marriage, with 3 children just because of what is hopefully a temporary lack of sex. Obviously you think very highly of this woman.......so despite her current lack of libido she must have done something right. Her saying sex isn't important in a marriage, is simply her excuse because she has no sex drive. The key is getting her to understand that this is important enough to figure out WHY. She needs to understand that you love her and want no one else in the world but her....but that at such a young age you simply cannot imagine spending the rest of your life sexless. She needs to take you seriously.

[ItsASecret]

Coming from a womans perspective, if I have no libido (have been there before) I have ZERO desire to give oral sex.

Definitely agree with that as I am the same way. When I am not in the mood for sex it means everything is off the table. I do not want to think about it, I do not want to talk about it, I do not want to do it, I do not want to have it initiated, it is not happening. The last thing I want is to be treated like some call girl...anything like "yeah hun I know you are stressed from studying for final exams but just suck me off because I am aroused k?". No, not happening. If we are not in the mood the last thing a guy should do is push and push and push, or demand or expect some sort of sex act just because they thought of porn again and want a dip into the lips because they have a boner. Sex should be mutual and not a chore, not a "well you should because I have a boner" type attitude. Talking through things can work wonders but it must be in that calm way without the expectation that things should go a certain way because a talk happened. A woman who is not interested in sex needs time to get back into it, there is no switch response to get her revved up.

[jns]

M&F, what jobs do the both of you have?