[MARRIED AND FRUSTRATED]

jns- i am a shift maintenance electrician and she works as the head teller at a bank!

[jns]

The psychology of who is wearing the pants in a relationship is very interesting.

First let me say, although sharing household tasks or taking them over is a very nice gesture, I have not seen it resolve situations such as yours to mutual satisfaction.

Next, you say your shift ends before hers starts. That probably puts you on graveyard. Can you get the same shift as her? That would have you both together more.

Finally, the jobs. Her job as a head teller is probably more prestigious than yours. I don't know if it pays more or not. Therefore as the person with the more prestigious job, she may feel entitled to be in control of the relationship. Before, without that status, she did not feel empowered to express her feelings. She may feel everything you are doing is just to have sex.

IMO, you both need to go to a counselor or maybe better a psychologist with a background in marital problems. At the same time, you cannot push her or you will not get a more balanced situation. Compromise has to be brought back in your relationship.

[MARRIED AND FRUSTRATED]

No her job isnt more prestigious than mine and doesnt even come close to what i make jns. As far as doing the household chores it has nothing to do with bribing her for sex its more of the deal that i like a clean house as much as the next person and it does make it a nice gesture that way but its not the only thing i think about! its more of the fact she works 9 hour days and im sure if the house was a mess when she got home it wouldnt help matters out any! i do it so she can relax and enjoy the evening! I will give an example i have had the last 2 days of and am off today i go back to work tomorrow morning. she only had sunday and wednesday off this week because she worked saturday! so i got up early made the kids breakfast let her sleep in and then brought her french toast in bed! Now your thinking wow he really wants it..........she has her monthly friend right now and i know this but, i still did this then i cleaned up the house and said hey let go to home depot and get that paint you wanted for the mudroom (laundry room) we did and i painted it while she watched her dvr's of days of our lives! I do this because I love her not because of a job or a goal but i really thought what i did would help!

[jns]

M&F, what your intentions are and what your wife perceives them to be are probably two different things.

I know that banks are notorious for low pay and that an electrician makes good pay, but prestige doesn't always follow pay. I was trying to see if there was a connection between when she started changing and her position at the bank.

A recent study in the "American Journal of Medicine" of 800 women, 40 and older indicates that sexual desire is not a major driving force in that group. Some women may believe that sexual desire is necessary where it may not be.

[MARRIED AND FRUSTRATED]

I dont think anything has changed! I just want to know what can be done to raise her libido to a tolerable level!!! From what some of you ladies have said yours is sky rocketed I dont know if i could keep up with that but would love to try with my lovely wife!! LOL

[ItsASecret]

The problem is that women do not a have a manual, there is no part of us that you read into that will absolutely cause arousal...many men would love a manual I am sure though lol. There is nothing specifically you can do because all women respond differently. Me personally I hate sappy romance so my bf lighting candles dimming the lights and wanting to slow dance would not in any way shape or form arouse me, however the next woman may say that is her ultimate fantasy and get immediately turned on by it. What seems to work overtime is the acknowledgement by a guy that not everything needs to lead to sex. You have already established that you doing the laundry does not mean you want sex and that is good because you acknowledge that it does not require a "pay it back" type response from your wife...other men are not the same, they think if they do the dishes they deserve sex for it. Not how women think. Those nice gestures can take a long time to build into some sort of sexual response, kind of like if a guy has never done chores while married and suddenly does she may not believe he is genuine about wanting to help out leading to her thinking that it is all for sex so she does not trust that new response he is giving. I am not saying you are that type of guy who never did chores before but I am talking about the general idea of some men thinking helping out is a sign of "yeah do me now". If she is not opening up to slight intimacy, even cuddling in bed, then you may need to explore therapy to see if talking it through with a 3rd party would help bring forth any issues that may be there on her part.

[MARRIED AND FRUSTRATED]

every once in awhile i get a peck or a thank you but i want to be able to make love to my wife more than once every 2 months! i can honestly say i know this is hard to believe that i have never said no to her!!!! LOL

[Guest]

You know this is all very complicated about why men do chores. If we don't do them it's wrong, if we do them we want sex in return. Also, whoever mentioned that a woman has to give oral sex regularly to her man. My g/f and I had full sex once last year. But what she does (and many women don't) is realise that I need regular sex (of any kind) even if she doesn't !!! What she does is regularly relieve me by hand. This means that I don't have sex with anyone else and that she is being kind,caring and considerate.AND WE KEEP A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN US !! Now, for women with low libido, or any other reason for not wanting sex, is this too much to ask from them??? I stick by what I have said before, and this goes equally for women as men. If you have a partner that doesn't care about your basic sexual needs, then they may be the wrong partner for you. MARRIED & FRUSTRATED - what you say/want is not unreasonable. Your partner is being unreasonable!

[Guest]

MARRIED & FRUSTRATED maybe it's time you did say no ? One way relationships don't last long without a lot of resentment. Sorry if it sounds blunt, but if she is continually denying you an integral part of a loving relationship, then why not deny her something. She might get the message ! At the very least it'll make her think !!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think people become complacent.. What you have going is routine.

She works 9 hrs a day, often on weekends, doesn't have two days off to recover, rather 1 and with that (1) she wants "me time" watching her DVD's, relaxing and pretty well not doing much... She may appreciate what you do, to give her that time to herself, but it's become habit, routine all of it.

Coupled with your shift work, when she goes to bed, it's alone.. When she wakes up, you are probably just getting home, so you aren't sleeping in the same bed. She's become used to being on her own, living, if you will on her own.. It's hard to be intimate when you are otherwise, alone.

It can feel like "sex" when you make the effort to hop back into bed. Until, that is, you are being intimate, if during those times there is something there that makes you feel loved as well as having sex and after, perhaps, you feel you would love that again, but the work line of time drags it all back out again. After a few days, we, women just go ok... and back into our routine of life...

If you were able to somehow, instigate it out of the blue two days after you have sex, maybe that might work.

But, I think it's your jobs and times you "don't" spend bonding, not housework rather, sleeping next to each other.....

When can the two of you take a holiday? You need to spend some quality time together and remember each other as a couple, not two people living in a house, sharing bills and a life somewhat.

I go to bed on my own 4 nights at least a week... And, my other half wakes up on his own every day as I have a Diabetic Dog and have to get up at 6am, it's hard for me to go back to bed after, (unless I want something) and then I do and that does happen trust me, but only because we do have bonding time and we do go away together, we do spend a day together, not me doing my thing because I am tired, and work sometimes 11hrs a day... We make that effort.