[AGuyOnAGirlForum]

Okay, I'm a guy. So this is a little strange, but I don't know what to do and I really need a girls perspective on this.

So I'm a virgin and I have been in a relationship for 2 years with this girl. We have never had sex even though we came close to many times but I refused because I wanted to be sure that she wanted to go through with it and it just wasn't the heat of the moment. I'd hate to let any girl have regrets. But we did do other things to pleasure each other. Now I fully understand that relationships are not all about sex. In fact, I love spending company with my girl friend and I love her. We are very good together, I would say perfect together but I don't think that exists all relationships have problems.

So a few months back she became Christian and started to go to a Christianity teaching group with her friend. She always struggled making friends and I think she liked it because it was somewhere she can get a long with people. She doesn't know much about religion, in fact, she's never read one book in the Bible. I decided to also attend this Christian group so I could support her in her new found beliefs. I attended the one where the topic was about 'Sex' and basically she went away from it feeling a tremendous amount of guilt with what she had already done.

The difficult for me is I'm Atheist, and by Atheist I don't mean I don't want to believe, but I just find it very hard to believe. I know more about the bible than what she does, of course I wouldn't disregard it unless I know what I'm disregarding. In the bible it talks about how Atheist's and Believes should not be together 'yorked' as it tempts the believer into sin. I fully agree, I have no boundary's while she has to answer to God. I respect her and I respect her decision and for months I have gone without any intimacy and I also haven't masturbated because she believes it to be cheating and wrong. So I'm getting very frustrated and I'm finding it very difficult to cope, we also don't cuddle or passionately kiss any more because she see's that this can provoke lust.

I'm feeling very dis attached from her and it's really upsetting because I love her to bits, but, I'm thinking about ending it to protect her. We have argued a lot recently about religion because she is trying to pressure me into becoming Christian. But there is many things I can't accept about the bible such as Noah travelling the world collecting animals 2 by 2 while God kills the entire world including his family. I don't want this to become a religious debate, I know Jesus is good. The bible says so, I just don't believe in the bible.

I would love to get married but I don't really want to get married until I'm stable enough to support a family, I'm 21 and still living at home, I can not afford to buy a house and I don't think I'm in a stable enough job. I can't see my self getting married until 10 years away. I don't know what to do, I respect her and her choice in life, if anything I support it as the bible teaches you to do no wrong. I'm just struggling and I feel awful about my self, I should be a better person. But we are arguing so much and I have no idea what to do.


Thanks

[jns]

Religion is one of those things that can split apart a relationship. It can also bring one together. If a couple are of similar practice it will probably pull them together as something they share together. If they are of different practice, it could be something to split them apart. Some religions are tolerant of other religions, some are not. Some people are tolerant of others with other beliefs, others are not.

You may not have peace on this subject unless you become Christian of her particular belief. That doesn't mean you have to practice it as fervently as she does. BTW, you may not be as Atheist as you think you are (IMO).

[AGuyOnAGirlForum]

Thanks, but I don't think "You may not have peace on this subject unless you become Christian" is a solution. I don't think I can become a Christian because I would have to believe.

[SaharaJim]

Hi Guy OAGF; take this for what it is "worth" or not.
A man stood in a room with no light and closed his eyes and covered them with his hands...it seemed to make no difference. Then a voice in the room said "I am the light"...the man with his eyes firmly shut and covered with his hands said.."I see nothing- am I to believe there is "light" when I can see NOTHING? As the man wondered through the room he injured himself running into things he could not see because his eyes were closed and his hands covered them. Finally he hit his shin so hard that he cried out in pain and reached for his leg...opening his eyes to see the injury. As his eyes adjusted to the light he could see clearly...for the first time. The light had been there...his actions prevented him from seeing it.

[KMonte85]

I certainly would not appreciate my significant other suddenly changing the way we interact and telling me what to do with my own body, based on his new beliefs which are not the same as my own. Personally, I think she's being a bit self absorbed here. She's chosen this new religious path, which is her right and her choice. But she has made the decision for BOTH OF YOU how you two will show your physical love for one another. And beyond that, she's dictating how you treat your own body when not in her presence, and trying to pressure you to follow her religious path. So she's entitled to make a life change which will directly effect your relationship, but you're not allowed to have your own opinion on the subject? Your feelings are invalid?

That's pretty brazen of her in my opinion, and I can't blame you for feeling like this might be the beginning of the end for your relationship. This has nothing to do with being a better person, so please stop beating yourself up. She changed the rules in your relationship, you're completely entitled to feel put off by that so stop feeling guilty about it.

[AGuyOnAGirlForum]

Thank you KMonte for a reply about my relationship and not my religious choice. I find your reply very interesting and I think you are right. The rules have changed, I know longer know where where I stand in the relationship.

[jns]

Thanks, but I don't think "You may not have peace on this subject unless you become Christian" is a solution. I don't think I can become a Christian because I would have to believe.

Changing one's religion for love has been a solution for many people over the entire history and prehistoric time of humans back to the beginning of religion. So it is a solution. It may not be a solution for you.

Years ago I meet a mid-aged couple who were running a open air restaurant on Phuket Island in southern Thailand when I stopped for a meal of barbequed fresh squid and rice for breakfast. We conversed entirely in Thai. The husband was originally Buddhist from the northeastern part of Thailand. The wife was Moslem from the south of Thailand. Before they could get married, he converted to Islam because it was necessary. He was happy with his decision and was living a good life. He also said that the terrorists that destroyed the World Trade Center Towers were not of his religion. He later gave me a ride about 4 kilometers in a motorcycle sidecar so I could catch a bus. He didn't charge me, but I gave him a generous tip.

It is good that this came up before marriage, because it will give the two of you a chance to see if you can compromise. If not, you two are not meant for each other no matter how it feels.

Sometimes in marriage, one partner or the other changes the rules and essentially says: "it is my way or the highway". Sometimes that is about no longer having any sex together which was part of the original bonding experience and a continuing desire of the other partner. KMonte, I do not see her requirement as particularly brazen. It is just how she now feels. At least she is up front with it and it is before marriage. In marriage, one partner sometimes unilaterally changes the rules affecting the other and expects the rest of the rules to stay rigidly in place. That usually causes problems. Compromising should usually be done unless the partner no longer wants the relationship or they absolutely know it is not a major problem for the other.

[Element]

I have a friend who just became a baby christian and now she no longer speaks to me since I asked her to stop texting me scriptures. Baby Christians take a LOT of patience and understanding. However, loving someone means that you never want to hurt them. So by her trying to force God down your throat, I think she might also be debating your relationships demise. It seems that she's too focused on what the church says and what she thinks God wants, that she's being blindly led away from you.

I've never seen religious beliefs as a make or break deal. The root of every religion is to be a good person. That should be more than enough for her. If you're a good man, who's honorable, respectable, trust worthy, ethical; then it doesn't matter whom you pray to or whom you don't pray to.

Perhaps inform her that she is hurting you, that while she wants a relationship with God; that is it. She needs to work on her own personal relationship with God and stop trying to point fingers at you. God is your judge, not her or anyone else. Being judgmental is a sin anyway. Like I said, Baby Christians take a lot of work. They take a long time to understand that preachers are SUPPOSE to be a guide to help you form your own relationship with God, and then you take it from there. It's you and God one on one, no translations, no references; just you and him. If you can make it through all of this, then I salute you. I hope that she does hear you and stops hurting you.

[AGuyOnAGirlForum]

Yeah, my main worry is the lack of intimacy between us. Being in a relationship that was intimate and suddenly, not even cuddling or kissing passionately. I still love her, It just doesn't feel like our relationship anymore. It doesn't even feel like a relationship anymore.

[Little]

Words from a fellow doubter, raised as a Pagan, who never jived with Christianity -
I have tried dating Christians. I live in the US South, so I didn't have much other choice. It just never works out, not always because of religion, naturally, but it's always haunting the relationship. Unless you're dealing with somebody who has expressed a sincere disinterest in religion on the whole, there is always the VERY scary possibility that they will jump headfirst into the religion that their families and society are pushing on them, leaving you and your feelings and your attachments in the dust. Maybe that all sounds very alarmist, I don't know ... but I do know that dating somebody whose beliefs and ideas were closer to mine was so refreshing that I ended up marrying him :P

I don't know if your situation is salvageable. She has indeed jumped headfirst into her religion, and that's great for her ... but not so great for you. Part of her spiritual growth may be to move away from non-Christian friends ... part of yours may be moving on from people who can't respect your path (or lack thereof.) When she's pushing you to attend church, to have a relationship with a god you aren't even sure exists, that's disrespect that I find much worse than removing sexual acts from your relationship.