[inlovagin]

D?j? vu

D?j? vu. To compare, I am 31yrs old. We have been married for 7yrs. We have 2 kids. One is 5 and the other is 1yr and 9mo. I will tell you that it is too early for you to give up hope. They say it takes one yr for a woman?s body to recover from the first pregnancy and up to 1 ? to recover from the second. Emotionally a woman goes through a lot after having a baby. You have to remember that she is in her 30?s and her body does not recover as fast as it used too. If she is constantly tossing out signs that she does not feel pretty any more (hint no sex with the lights on BIG indicator, I been thru it) than what you need to do to help her recover is show her that she is even more beautiful now than ever. Note sex is not the showing she is looking for. All the little things you did to catch her eye when you first met, go to the attic and pull them back out. ?Date Her? again. Even though you are married and expect sex to come with marriage you have to hold down your hormones and show her that you love her for more than just sex. Do little things like leaving letters around the house telling her how you Love her and how beautiful she is. Before you leave to work drop a rose on her car seat. Send love note free text messages just because.
Tired been there too. I will tell you the best thing for my wife was the gym. After she started going to the gym within one month she would get mad at me if we didn?t have sex when she wanted to. Exercise is the best energy booster. Remember though. It takes two weeks for your body to even get used to exercise if you haven?t done anything for a year or longer. So if you grow impatient and jump the gun you may lose any ground you make. You may not want to be direct and say I think you should go to the gym. It might be better to do some home exercises walks stroller jogs, bike rides. If she is even remotely hesitant on exercising on her own. DO IT WITH HER. Show her that you can be physical without being sexual and the SEX WILL COME.

[Irelandlover]

I am stunned at the replies saying "give her space ... give it time" .
Clearly this guy is suffering and no wonder it is causing problems in their marriage. Prolonged withholding sex from one's spouse is destructive behavior and eventually it WILL cause the marriage to fail. Whatever the reason (stress, tired, resentful, etc) this must be discussed and dealt with promptly.

If you believe google'd statistics, the average married couple has sex 98X per year ... that is 5.4 times more than aa889d (1X to 2X per week = 18X per year). Google also says >10X per year is considered a sexless marriage.

What if the problem were not sex, but drinking. She she consistently guzzles 6 bottles of wine at dinner. Wouldn't that be a problem to their marriage? Destructive behavior? Would you tell aa889d not to worry.. give her space.. give her time ??? NO, he would be told this is a serious issue that needs immediate and serious commitment (from both of them) to rectify.

My friend, I was in your situation myself and have "recovered" from years in a sexless marriage. The first thing I did was to educate myself on the situation.. reading forums just like this. Google for "sexless marriage" and plan on spending several hours / days / weeks reading up on the topic.

I agree that it is not right to withold sex from someone, sex is normal and a compromise if you don't always feel like doing it sometimes people should because it is a shared activity. I was just meaning to think about ways that this could be worked through.,

[Irelandlover]

Irelandlover, I may have no idea what it is to have kids, but you have absolutely no idea what my daily life is like either. So lets agree to disagree.

Whether you are a mother or just a wife the push in the relationship can not always only come from one person. There has to be compromise and as I tried to put across, if your wife or husband is not willing to see the effort you make and the continue spurning your affection and advances what is there left to do. Only so much can be done.

Maybe go to counseling with her. Make her understand how serious this is for you. And there is nothing wrong with being terribly unhappy because your sexual needs are not being fulfilled. It is a important part of every relationship.

I don't disagree with you, I don't have children. I work very long hours and have a high powered and pressurized job - I am still interested in sex, in fact a lot more than my husband. I just feel that children is such a different job.

[LadyLane]

I think this is a very interesting topic because I'm a wife whose husband can't/won't have sex when he's stressed... and he's ALWAYS stressed. But one comment that aa88 made was that his wife said something about certain sexual things being things "a good mother" doesn't do... it does sound to me like something is going on in her head where perhaps she feels like she can only identify herself as a mother and for some reason sees a mother as a non-sexual role. Giving herself the Madonna/***** complex?? Hm.

But, she could have some post-partum, unhappy with her body, etc., but shouldn't she express that to you? She sounds frustrated and maybe is using the kids as an excuse not to have sex. I want to be a good mother also but I think that who I am sexually and who I am as a mother are worlds apart - and I don't want them intertwined! At all!

And Nightelf, you can't comment because you don't have children. I'd say it is you who has it easy. And I have been both a career woman and now I'm a SAHM. Staying home to take care of one child is the equivalent of an 80-hour workweek, so unless that is how much you work, please don't say things like "cry me a river" and "she has it a little too good." You don't know how it feels to be at anyone's beck and call 24/7 - and I do mean, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Mothers have no weekends, we don't "turn off" the Blackberry because we are the Blackberry. There is no calling in sick with strep or fever or to play hooky. Our little bosses live in our homes with us, and they require all of our imagination, love, attention, and constant supervision. We never get to stop worrying about a project because our children are our projects and they don't EVER get completed. We spend all of our days raising children from infancy to be independent, polite, caring and vital members of this insane society. And we do it uncomplaining. So although I am sure you have great insight into adult relationships, you can't comment on those with children because you haven't walked the walk. Yeah, make sure he tells her to take vitamins, get to the gym and get her hair done because its her problem... he'll be lucky if he gets to sleep in the house!

[sexymamaof4]

Be patient-it's tough going through those "child-bearing" years. I have 4 children, and I'm 32. My youngest is 4. And it took me until now to really get my sex drive back! And boy is it back with a vengeance-I think my husband is really surprised. Anyway, She may just be going through a rut right now. How's your relationship otherwise-do you still love her more than ever? If you do, don't consider cheating!! This is just a phase that she will get over. Don't do anything hasty. I know sex is important in a relationship, but it's not everything. Find ways to lift her up and help her feel sexy again-give her compliments. Take her shopping to get some new cute clothes, or give her a gift certificate to get her hair done. It sounds like you are trying-I like the massage gift you gave her. Don't give up, just keep doing things for her, and hopefully she will be grateful and want to return the favors and do nice things for you. Put the kids to bed and watch a really good romance movie together-that always gets me and my husband lovey-dovey towards eachother-no porn of course-you know what I mean. The doctor isn't always the answer-a lot of medications lower your sex drive anyway, and that's the last thing you need. Is she overweight? I know for me that was a problem for a while until I could lose all my baby pounds after my last child. That plays a big role in how sexy you feel, and in your sex drive. Good luck-I wish I could help you out more-I feel your pain because I know what your wife is going through and how it must affect you.

[aa889d]

Thanks for the insight ....

Sorry it took so long to get back ---

But thanks for the info and insight. I wish I could report that things have improved, but they haven't.

I am trying to be supportive and understanding, but it is getting harder with each passing day. I now find myself getting upset with her over little things - fights are becoming a regular occurance in our daily routine.

It just plain sucks. I tried breaching the subject with her a couple more times, but no dice. I'll I get is a "you don't understand how hard it is for me.... I have no energy * the end of the day / etc...."

I've even bought a couple books on relationships (not sex) and asked her to read them with me. Guess what - I've read them, she hasn't touched them !!! I've also asked her about counselling. She is not very interested and thinks 1) its not as big a problem as I think it is 2) how can we afford it? 3) Who will watch the kids so we can go?

I hate to day it - but I'm leaning towards getting through the holidays, and then maybe going to talk to an attorney. I won't cheat on her as I feel this is a dishonest thing - but I REFUSE to live in a sexless (or near sexless) marriage at the age of 35 !!!

We've had intercourse 4 times in the past 11 months.... and most often that it is pity f*ck on her part. I shouldn't have to BEG and she shouldn't have to RELENT.

I guess some things were just not meant to be. I'll have to figure out how to stay involved with the kids lives and I'll be in a huge hole financially (as I loose over 1/2 my stuff to the split and child support), but I can't live like this any longer....

Its to the point I have even thought about having an "accident" so that I'm out of the way and she and the kids can have the life insurance money - because life isn't worth living like this anymore.

[aa889d]

Thanks for the encouragement .....

Caroline -

I would NEVER do myself in. After I read it - I know it was a little harsh...

Its just that I feel THAT desperate sometimes....

I'm ****ed right now too b/c once again, I tried to initiate tonight. Shoulder rub, nice kisses, etc.... even showered before bed. She didn't even bother to tell me no !!!

She just made a comment about her back hurting her from carrying around the baby all day. I offered to get her the heating pad.... she accepted, so I went and got it. She proceeds to use it and fall asleep within 5 minutes while I lay there and STARE at the TV. No good night kiss, no nothing.

I just even think I can TRY to start it anymore. I'm just sooooo sick of the frustration and the rejection at this point - its borderline insanity !!!

[Mourningman]

You sound like me except I am you 9 years later. Waiting for her to get the grove back is like waiting to hit the lottery.Bitterness will set in the you just won't give a **** about anything and life becomes a mundane existance of what could have been. The things that make life interesting are watching the kids grow up and that can be sad almost a sad as a sexless marraige. I have decided that if in 3 years our situation has not changed and I still feel as i do then I will divorce her at an appropriate time in our lives when she may need me most, however heartless that sounds. I know thats sounds harsh but until a woman can understand what she is capable of doing to a guy don't hate me.

[rcoreyus]

10 years in that situation. Don't see any fix. I do understand the comment about doning yourself in - I was in Japan recently, and the Shinkansen blasting through the station at 180mph loooked awfully tempting - but don't do it. It will be far worse for her and the kids than just divorcing and paying child support. Obviously it would be far worse for you.

My wife also always has some reason not to have sex each night. Usually she is very "tired" - though the next day she wants to hike 10 miles.

My wife also wants mild physical affection. Wants a fairly intimate goodnight kiss, likes back rubs, foot rubs. Wants me to give her hugs, and kisses during the day. In the evening wants to lie next to me in bed - but almost never wants sex.

Let me risk the immediate outrage of everyone here, and suggest - maybe you should have an affair. That way you can still take care of your wife and children, just get sex somewhere else. In a lot of ways that seems better than divorcing them. I've thought about this long and hard - I'm not going to myself - but that is due to ****** pride not letting me break my marriage vows. Same reason I won't ask for a divorce.

[Fallen1]

........ I'm not going to myself - but that is due to ****** pride not letting me break my marriage vows. Same reason I won't ask for a divorce.

I was in an 18 year marriage where I was miserable, miserable to the point I was getting physically sick. Sometimes you just have to swallow your pride so to speak and make the "leap" for yourself.

There were a lot of issues that made the marriage miserable but one of the problems was his lack of affection towards me and our sex life was little to none. So I kind of know where you are coming from.