[chocochip1]

WOW, First off aa889d, I do sympathize with you greatly. It is fustrating and hard to deal with a spouse that is not interested in sex. I know because I have been that way with my husband of almost 10 years in May. We got married young and we have four children. I USE to work....was a full time manager at a major call center, married with four children. I was...well still am tired. But also on top of that, I was not happy with my body...I had 3 kids in 3 years and the last was a surprise she was 3 years later. If your wife is not happy with her body (which could be why she doesn't want to do it) then like NIGHTELF said that is her prob. She will need to work on it. She could very well have ppd, it is real and it not only affects her, but those around her. It is trying and PATIENCE is key. You sound like you been wonderfully patient and I do applaud you for that, but I do agree with the posts of those that have stated rub her affectionately, take her to a movie and things of that nature and dont expect to be laid. My husband did that and I did wonder did he still want me and I did slowly but surely started getting aroused and all....even when I was freaking tired from a long days work and coming home to 4 kids and a hubby. Also, I sought out help because I did see it was tearing him apart, he has always had a huge sex drive and I use to be right along with him, but kids and life make a difference. I am not saying that the sex in the marriage has to come to a stop, but we (women) might need that extra spark to get the fire going when there is sooooooo much going on. Even though I am now a stay at home mom because we felt it would be better for our kids, I honestly feel more tired than when I was freaking working and I wonder how did I handle it when I was working10-12 hr days. I still find myself AT TIMES telling him I am tired because I am! But marriage is a compromise and I had to remind myself my husband was there BEFORE kids and that I have to keep doing what I did to get him....BUT in the same token, my husband also realized that having a baby changes ALOT. It takes 9-10 months to have a baby and they say it takes a year to get your body back, those are both physically and emotionally draining things. Nightelf stated "If she didn't like the way it made her feel she shouldn't have agreed to have another one".....WHAT? First off, each preg is different, literally. Each birth and postpartum period is different. We don't know what happened during the pregnancy or even if this was a planned pregnancy. If it was planned she could've thought oh it will be like our 1st child, get pregnant, have baby and be happy....but no, that is not what happened. I do feel your wife is being a BIT unfair because you stated you help out (I use to lock down the legs when my husband didn't help out), you take her out, you touch her affectionately (but she might assume if you've done so in the past that you are ready to get it on) and it's not just a affectionate touch.
The biggest thing is talk to her....I mean really talk to her. You have to be honest, I am sure you haven't told her you've thought about cheating because it will probably open up a can of worms. But, my husband sat me down and talked to me. I have to admit I was ****ED, but then when I got off my high horse I thanked him for his honesty and curtness. He told me I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOUR BODY. I know you are not comfortable with your body and I respect that but you must know I think you are beautiful. This body held my 4 kids and nurtured them. If you want to work out, I will work out with you. I don't think you need to work out, but whatever makes YOU happy I am behind you. What do "YOU" want to do in the bedroom (besides sleep!)? I need you to talk to me and let me know that I am loved because I don't feel it. Not just because of the non exsistent sex life but because I need affection too and I want it from you. I have had opportunities to cheat and what not, but I don't because they are not who I want, and I don't want to be dishonorable to the one I said I will love till death do us part, for BETTER or for WORSE... I want YOU, but you act like you don't want me. Because if you want me as you say you do, then your actions towards me need to change. I need you to show me and I want to feel it. i DON'T want a piti ***, because we are suppose to be in love so let's make love. Corny I know, but it worked...it really got me to thinking. Use what I've written above in your own words and REALLY, REALLY, TALK TO HER. Let her know this is sooooooooooooo affecting out marriage, and we need help. Good Luck and God Bless!

[chocochip1]

WOW, First off aa889d, I do sympathize with you greatly. It is fustrating and hard to deal with a spouse that is not interested in sex. I know because I have been that way with my husband of almost 10 years in May. We got married young and we have four children. I USE to work....was a full time manager at a major call center, married with four children. I was...well still am tired. But also on top of that, I was not happy with my body...I had 3 kids in 3 years and the last was a surprise she was 3 years later. If your wife is not happy with her body (which could be why she doesn't want to do it) then like NIGHTELF said that is her prob. She will need to work on it. She could very well have ppd, it is real and it not only affects her, but those around her. It is trying and PATIENCE is key. You sound like you been wonderfully patient and I do applaud you for that, but I do agree with the posts of those that have stated rub her affectionately, take her to a movie and things of that nature and dont expect to be laid. My husband did that and I did wonder did he still want me and I did slowly but surely started getting aroused and all....even when I was freaking tired from a long days work and coming home to 4 kids and a hubby. Also, I sought out help because I did see it was tearing him apart, he has always had a huge sex drive and I use to be right along with him, but kids and life make a difference. I am not saying that the sex in the marriage has to come to a stop, but we (women) might need that extra spark to get the fire going when there is sooooooo much going on. Even though I am now a stay at home mom because we felt it would be better for our kids, I honestly feel more tired than when I was freaking working and I wonder how did I handle it when I was working10-12 hr days. I still find myself AT TIMES telling him I am tired because I am! But marriage is a compromise and I had to remind myself my husband was there BEFORE kids and that I have to keep doing what I did to get him....BUT in the same token, my husband also realized that having a baby changes ALOT. It takes 9-10 months to have a baby and they say it takes a year to get your body back, those are both physically and emotionally draining things. Nightelf stated "If she didn't like the way it made her feel she shouldn't have agreed to have another one".....WHAT? First off, each preg is different, literally. Each birth and postpartum period is different. We don't know what happened during the pregnancy or even if this was a planned pregnancy. If it was planned she could've thought oh it will be like our 1st child, get pregnant, have baby and be happy....but no, that is not what happened. I do feel your wife is being a BIT unfair because you stated you help out (I use to lock down the legs when my husband didn't help out), you take her out, you touch her affectionately (but she might assume if you've done so in the past that you are ready to get it on) and it's not just a affectionate touch.
The biggest thing is talk to her....I mean really talk to her. You have to be honest, I am sure you haven't told her you've thought about cheating because it will probably open up a can of worms. But, my husband sat me down and talked to me. I have to admit I was ****ED, but then when I got off my high horse I thanked him for his honesty and curtness. He told me I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOUR BODY. I know you are not comfortable with your body and I respect that but you must know I think you are beautiful. This body held my 4 kids and nurtured them. If you want to work out, I will work out with you. I don't think you need to work out, but whatever makes YOU happy I am behind you. What do "YOU" want to do in the bedroom (besides sleep!)? I need you to talk to me and let me know that I am loved because I don't feel it. Not just because of the non exsistent sex life but because I need affection too and I want it from you. I have had opportunities to cheat and what not, but I don't because they are not who I want, and I don't want to be dishonorable to the one I said I will love till death do us part, for BETTER or for WORSE... I want YOU, but you act like you don't want me. Because if you want me as you say you do, then your actions towards me need to change. I need you to show me and I want to feel it. i DON'T want a piti ***, because we are suppose to be in love so let's make love. Corny I know, but it worked...it really got me to thinking. Use what I've written above in your own words and REALLY, REALLY, TALK TO HER. Let her know this is sooooooooooooo affecting out marriage, and we need help. Good Luck and God Bless!

[aa889d]

Update - 3 months later ....

Well - I'm back... its 11:30 and she's been asleep since about 9:00. The baby IS sick, so she has her reasons....

I wish I could say its gotten better, but it hasn't. I don't know WHY it would. We've done nothing to change the situation. Its like the guy who hits his hand with a hammer, then continues to do it, but wonders why it still hurts ?!!?

She has stated multiple times in the past week that she "wants to get with me...." we'll see. She could be a politician with that line by now... I found it interesting that she told me tonight, "I can't imagine my life without you...." So, maybe she's starting to realize the distance (emotionally) between us.

I really don't know WHAT I'm going to do. I've thought about cheating, I've thought about leaving - I won't cheat. I don't know about leaving. I just can't bring myself to hurt her and the kids that way. Other than the intimacy issue - we have a GREAT life. But it seems so hollow, like a sham or a shell of a true relationship.

It makes me wonder, which is worse - hurting the kids via a break up, or modelling this behavoir to them as a "normal" relationship.

I tried to hug / caress her tonight in the kitchen, just to let her know I cared.... she seemed to pull away rather quickly. I don't know if there is someone else, if she's truely just tired, if she's depressed, or if after all these years (and my thinning hairline + added pounds) that she's just repulsed at the thought of me (or maybe herself) in the act.

I just realized its been 3 months since my first post and nothing has really changed. We've had sex 2 or 3 times since then and its ALWAYS me doing the work and her being a quiet as possible, and rushing the act... Last time - I went "south" on her and she actually asked me to just hurry up and put it in her !!! Now, I'm no great stud, but I know what to do with my tounge - I've NEVER had her (or any previous lover) as me to "hurry up" oral.

I'm at a loss and ready to talk with a lawyer so I know going in what this will cost me in the long run....

Thanks for the replies and feedback.

[jenteh]

Get your wife to try this

[rcoreyus]

Well - I'm back... its 11:30 and she's been asleep since about 9:00. The baby IS sick, so she has her reasons....

I wish I could say its gotten better, but it hasn't. I don't know WHY it would. We've done nothing to change the situation. Its like the guy who hits his hand with a hammer, then continues to do it, but wonders why it still hurts ?!!?

She has stated multiple times in the past week that she "wants to get with me...." we'll see. She could be a politician with that line by now... I found it interesting that she told me tonight, "I can't imagine my life without you...." So, maybe she's starting to realize the distance (emotionally) between us.

I really don't know WHAT I'm going to do. I've thought about cheating, I've thought about leaving - I won't cheat. I don't know about leaving. I just can't bring myself to hurt her and the kids that way. Other than the intimacy issue - we have a GREAT life. But it seems so hollow, like a sham or a shell of a true relationship.

It makes me wonder, which is worse - hurting the kids via a break up, or modelling this behavoir to them as a "normal" relationship.

I tried to hug / caress her tonight in the kitchen, just to let her know I cared.... she seemed to pull away rather quickly. I don't know if there is someone else, if she's truely just tired, if she's depressed, or if after all these years (and my thinning hairline + added pounds) that she's just repulsed at the thought of me (or maybe herself) in the act.

I just realized its been 3 months since my first post and nothing has really changed. We've had sex 2 or 3 times since then and its ALWAYS me doing the work and her being a quiet as possible, and rushing the act... Last time - I went "south" on her and she actually asked me to just hurry up and put it in her !!! Now, I'm no great stud, but I know what to do with my tounge - I've NEVER had her (or any previous lover) as me to "hurry up" oral.

I'm at a loss and ready to talk with a lawyer so I know going in what this will cost me in the long run....

Thanks for the replies and feedback.

Are you sure we aren't married to the same person? Sounds almost exactly like my situation - incluing my wife wanting me to "hurry up". Discussion is impossible - she just walks away if I get anywhere near that topic. Fortunately we don't have kids - but I can't leave her anyway.

As far as cheating - unlike almost everyone else here, I'm not going to tell you no. If your relationship is good in every other way, why is it wrong to get sex outside the marriage if your wife doesn't want it? Isn't that better than leaving her and your kids - or living celibate?

Unfortunately the people who read these groups recognize the importance of sex in a relationship, and assume that there must be something else wrong if your wife isn't interested. From what I have seen with my wife, some women (and men) simply are not interested. There is nothing else to fix. There are heterosexuals and homosexuals, why not asexuals.

That said, I haven't cheated - but that is only due to my personal pride, not because I think it is wrong.

I wish you the best of luck. I wonder how many other men are in this situation?

[haillei]

You Might Have Something There

It probably has more to do with her, than you. Possible causes, postpartum depression is a big one. Exhaustion. She also may not see herself as sexy anymore. A woman's body changes after having kids. If she has a bad self image and doesn't feel sexy, your advances will just make her feel worse. No, there is no reason for it, it just is. Women are confusing.

Give her time. Back off. Pressure will only make it worse. Do non-sexual things together. Dinner and a movie, that's it nothing more.

Mostly, it would probably be a good thing for her to be evaluated by a physician. Maybe even a therapist. The hard part would be convincing her.

It just may take time and it isn't for ever. As your children get older, it does get easier.
fs

I agree with this post. I think the problem lays at the feet of your wife. Sounds like to me you are being very understanding and supportive. However, even as a woman, I can acknowledge that you have a need that must be increasing dramatically with only 1-2 a month. Jeesh.

I think the above suggestion is correct. Your wife may be suffering from post partam depression, or she may not. She may have been abused as a little child. There could be a number of issues.

Have you asked her if she would prefer you found sex else where and get her response?

The reality of the situation is you need to be satisfied and as your wife, you expect your satisfaction to come from her. So, I think it is a good question.

Besides, the question alone might shake her back into reality.

If not, seek a therapist.

[beatrice]

Role

What I've never understood is the misconception that this issue is exclusive to men or mostly exclusive to men. My SO owns his own company and spends very long hours working, usually 16 hours a day. We have no children, thank god, and I help to manage one of his companies. As of today, it's been ten months since we've made love. Of course I question if he's having an affair, but I simply don't know where he'd find the time, especially since he works from home and rarely leaves his office. I'm 35 years old and have always loved sex and enjoyed having sex frequently. My boyfriend, who is 45, and I have been together 7 years, and of course in the beginning our sex was phenomenal, but the last few years I'm lucky if we have sex 3 or 4 times a year. I am an attractive woman that's confident in so many other aspects of my life, but I'm frustrated, lonely and feel rejected by him. I've tried discussing our sexual relationship with him, but he tells me I'm just complaining and nagging him. I'd like to know the ladies' opinions on this issue considering the roles are reversed and I'd even like to know what the men think as well. I'm debating whether I should leave him or not, because I do love him. But I wouldn't be leaving because my feelings have changed for him but leaving because he's not willing to do whatever is necessary to hold on to our relationship.

[Bonita]

I understand where your coming from, however I dont think that cheating is the answer! Cheating is so wrong from every angle and just hurts more people in the long run. Please dont do that to your family. About the sex, I see that you have tried just about everything to get your wife excited. If i were in your shoes this is what I would do (my suggestion) Explain to to her that within the day we MUST sit down and TALK. Talk like mature adults, and not turn it into a yelling match. Explain that you need sex w/her, its just something that couples do for PLEASURE, and to show their love for one another. Tell her what you have concidered (cheating, divorce.) You really need to get the point across that you NEED this in your life. Any rational wife, will understand. Im sure she would rather change than ruin the marriage. Me personally, Im divorced, but I knew when I was a wife that sex is VERY important in any relationship (like it or not) Tell her you are still very much attracted to her and that you love her dearly, but BE HONEST with her and to yourself. Hope this helps a bit.

[mr.mansview]

the advice from "bonita" and "haillei" are both solid..what they are both saying, bottom line, is that the two of you must have a respectful talk..you must both be very honest about the situation and lay your cards on the table..good luck..

[oldnotdead]

To the O.P.
>
>You could be my husband, I could be your wife. Your post mirrors my life. Why did I not want sex? After 2 children I was fat, ashamed of my body, tired, felt sex was "dirty' now that I had become a mother and sleep was a godsend I never got enough of . I also had severe PPD which went undiagnosed untill I started crying 24/7 and went down to 114lbs (I am 5'11") Things got worse, he cheated, (with a friend of mine) and now I go through every day with regret and trying to figure out how to end it all without my kids knowing I committed suicide.
>
>It had nothing to do with my husband. He is very handsome, and until the children came we had a super sex life.
>
>If your wife won't see a doctor or therapist , please, I beg you, file for divorce, don't cheat.
>
>I am dead on the inside because of it. I would have rather he left me.
>
>I hope the two of you can work your problems out. Show her this thread if you can't talk to her in person.