[marriedmissoui]

Hi, I am a 21 years old. I have been married for about 2 1/2 years. My problem is that I am never in the mood for sex. It is just something that I do not desire or want. My question is: What could be causing this at my age and what advice do you have?

[Euphoric]

First thing that comes to mind is medication. Are you taking any? Anti-depressants and BC pills can kill ones libido. If that is the case, try talking to your dr. about changing. There are many types on the market and it can take several attempts to find one that doesn't have negative effects.

[marriedmissoui]

No, I am not on any medication. This is something that I have been struggling with through my entire marriage (2 and 1/2 years).

[Euphoric]

I should have asked you in the first post, but fail to do so. How was your sex drive before marriage? Were you a virgin when you married? Have you been with any other partners besides your husband? If so, can you elaborate so that we have a little more information to work with?

[marriedmissoui]

Yes, I had not had sex before I was married. My husband is the only partner I have had. I just never have the feeling that I need or want sex. It is just not something that is on my radar.

[Euphoric]

Some people have strong sex drives while it is nearly non-existant for others. Have you ever had an orgasm? Does he spend quality time to help you get aroused? Are you sexually attracted to him (good chemistry)? I am assuming that you married him because you love him, but sometimes people get married for other reasons such as security or to remove them from a bad situation. Did you grow up in a household where sex was a taboo topic or strong religous beliefs made (make) it seem like something bad or off limits. If so, it takes a while to break thoughs deep rooted notions.

Have you ever experimented with toys (vibrators, bullets). Have you ever masterbated to learn what feels good for you?
The internet was not readily available when I first got married and getting information was not as easy as it is today. I have hit brick walls where sex was completely off my radar as well. (But that was mostly due to health related issues). Are you comfortable trying new things and experimenting - either alone or with your husband?

I NEVER had an orgasm without the use of a vibrator. I was interested in having sex and it felt okay, but once I learned to have orgasms, I enjoyed it much more and initiated it, a lot. Don't dispare. Knowing that sex was off the radar for me at one time, know this. I can wear my husband out now. He is the one having trouble keeping up, LOL.

I think that although you are not into it, there are things you can do to pique your interest more.

[marriedmissoui]

Yes, I love my husband very much. I am trying to figure out this problem because I know my sexual drive is effecting him and our marriage. I am very attracted to him. When we do have sex (which is not very often because of my sexual drive), I enjoy it once we get started and do orgasm. We have experimented with different things (vibrators, warming gel, etc). I just do not feel like I want sex before it begins. It is not something that I think about or even want most of the time.

However, these things are not really helping the source of the problem because I enjoy sex during it. I guess my question is: what are some things I could do to try to increase my drive and interest in sex?

We both grew up in households that believe that sex is for marriage and this is something that we held too during the time we dated. However, it was not something that was looked at as bad or could not be talked about. We had pre-marital counseling before we got married also.

[Euphoric]

what are some things I could do to try to increase my drive and interest in sex?

You could try reading some erotic material. If you have an ereader, amazon has a huge selection of erotic books that are readily available for downloading. I could suggest some great authors, but I'm not sure if that is permissable on the forum. I'm sure some of the moderators will jump in here and let us know what is and is not allowed. But if you aren't into reading, that won't be of much help anyway.

The premises of this suggestion is that sometime we need an outside source to help stimulate our minds When reading a good plot driven story with characters we can identify with, in our minds we can visualize the scene and possibly imagine ourselves in that scenario. Is this something that interests you? Reading about or watching sexually stimulating material is the first thing that comes to my mind for ideas to arouse your interest in sex.

[Interestedin]

First, know that your situation is very, very, very common. It affects practically every marriage at some point. There is a "high desire" partner and a "low desire" partner, and both sides struggle with it.

The really good news is that you both seem to love each other and are committed. Moreover, you note that "I enjoy it once we get started and do orgasm" which is perhaps the key.

At times he is going to initiate and you really not want sex for really good reasons, but it sounds like sometimes you are just not interested rather than opposed to sex with your husband at that moment. That is when you can remind yourself "I enjoy it once we get started" and that it brings you and your husband together and increases your happiness. That is the time to say something like "Well I am not inspired right now, but if you want to inspire me, please do." And go along until the "I enjoy it once we get started" kicks in.

Honest but giving.

That won't work all the time, nor should it, but it will lead to enjoyable sex for both of you.

I think that we often think sex should happen when both partners are "raring to go". It is great when that happens, but it doesn't have to be that way, so long as when you are done you are glad you did it.

If there are real issues, so that you don't enjoy it once you get started or wish you hadn't afterward, then there are deeper issues that need to be addressed. But it sounds like, you are compatible, loving, and want the other to be happy.

If there are things that help you find the mood (erotica, massage, etc.) or enjoy it more (toys, variations, etc.) great, try them. It is when you get angry, resentful, mistrustful, etc. with each other that simply going along at the start and enjoy it once it gets going, isn't going to work.

Good luck.

[Stillness]

I guess my question is: what are some things I could do to try to increase my drive and interest in sex?

Your situation is similar to mine. My wife bought some ben wa balls for our last anniversary. She claimed that they made her aroused. She's also claimed that just doing kegels has worked for her. I've never noticed much of a difference, but maybe it will work for you.