[wonderingguy84]

For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it.[br>[br>Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis..but now..they are towards a certain guy. They have grown in a sense. I get very nervous and anxious around him, not to mention very aroused. Problem is, he is the husband of my wifes best friend. The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time.


I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no.[br>[br>Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her. [br>[br>Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her?

We have kind of talked about it, my wife and i. But it was over electronic means of communication.

I am finding out who my true friends are with all of this, as a few of my guy friends wont even talk to me anymore. Was I wrong by talking to so many female friends?

The wife and I have discussed it somewhat, over IM and such while I was at work. She basically told me that unless I would ever leave her for a guy, why make a big deal about it, or discuss it? Advice pleasE!

My wife and I have an OK sex life. It doesnt happen very often, and is often quite boring when it does.

I should add that the last 4 times my wife and i have had sex, i cant reach orgasm at all. Thats not good, especially when we are trying to have a baby.

[Ashlee T.]

Welcome to WH. My first thought when reading your post is that what you're asking to do is cheat on your wife. Regardless of the gender of the person you do it with, cheating is cheating. Unless your wife is open to the idea of an "open marriage", then what you're "desiring" to do is no different than fantasizing about having sex with another woman.

It seems that if others know about this, especially her family, she is bound to find out. And perhaps it's for the best because it does NOT sound like you two need to be bringing a child into this world together right now. Is it fair to her to get pregnant by a man who secretly longs to be with someone else? Is it fair to the child? In my opinion, no, it's definitely not.

Urges are urges. We all have them. Married people, single people, etc. Just because your urges happen to be for the same sex doesn't make "acting" on your urges okay. The fact is, unless your wife is okay with an open marriage, you need to either decide to be with your wife, be faithful and loving........... or consider the possibility that perhaps you do seek to live a homosexual lifestyle and leave your marriage so that you can experiment and fulfill your urges. You can't "have your cake and eat it too".

[Euphoric]

Your wife has "caught" you looking on craigslists and viewed the history, and has asked you if you're gay (as a joke). Have you stopped to think that maybe it wasn't a joke, perhaps she was extending an olive branch for you to open up and talk to her. You say that you immediately responded "NO!". Sounds to me like she is somewhat suspicious and downplayed the confrontation as a joke when you seemed offended.

How long have you been talking to other people, including her family? Very few people can actually keep a secret. There are a few, but for the most part, it's only a matter of time before they 'ask someone else's opinion, or want advice on whether they should keep a secret from a loved one, etc.

It almost sounds like you want her to know, but you don't want to be the one to tell her. I agree with BD, you need to talk to your wife BEFORE conceiving. She deserves to know the truth. I'm not saying that you wouldn't make a great father if you are gay, but I am saying that she should know how you feel, and who you are, before bringing a child into this world where your sexual orientation may force her to be a single mom. THAT IS UNFAIR TO HER, and you. But you know how you feel and she is in the dark. She has probed for answers, and you have LIED to her. Would you have rather she accused you? What more can she do?

I know people who were attracted to the same sex, or thought they were, but when they experimented, they learned that it wasn't for them. You find other men attractive, maybe it's curiosity and you want to know, but you still need to talk to your wife. We all have fantasy, but fantasies and reality are two separate things. Cheating is cheating. You have narrowed your focus on a married man. Don't think that he is going to leave his wife for you. That would be fooling yourself.

[DreamP346]

You've already spoken with friends and family. Its time you talk with your wife. Marriage should be about being able to share yourself with that person. That includes sharing personal fantasies, insecuries and doubts. If you can't share, then what's the point of being with that person. Be honest. If your wife was having similar thoughts/doubts, wouldn't you want to know? Find a way to communicate. Maybe it is scheduling a time to have a talk, maybe its writing a well thought out detailed letter/email, send her the letter or read it to her. Don't use text. Its too short, not thought out and too much gets lost in interpretation. Don't just make it about you. Talk about how you love your wife and want to be able to share everything you are feeling. You would like to be able to talk to her about your insecuries and work through your relationship with her. Using a marriage counsellor for this type of conversation can also help.

There are a few things you need to figure out yourself first. You are confused about your sexuality. What are you trying to accomplished? Just accept that you may be bi? Ask your wife permission to have sex with other men? Bring other men into your relationship. Change your current sex life with you wife by having her using some toys so you can perform fellacio or her using a strap-on on you. You may not have all the answer but think about then and talk to your wife about them.

[MoeJr]

Unless you find that you are actually bi-sexual, Your problem seems to be the fact your obsessing about the issue. Many men (that will never admit it) have similar fantasies. You however took it one step further by talking to so many about it. First person you should have talked to was your wife. What happens behind closed doors is nobody else s business. I would suggest similar to sp346 talk to her and introduce toys to your sex life first. Anytime you involve someone else, whether voluntary or not, you take risks of the unknown. Will you or her feel guilty afterwards even though you said you wouldn't? What about the 3rd? Will that person keep it no strings attached? The list is rather large.

[Harmony]

There is nothing else that can really be added to the advice already given here, but just to add my own version from a man's perspective:

1) OP, if you thought you could have sex with this man you like tonight, and NO-ONE in the world would find out, would you do it?

My hypothesis,based on your post is yes, you would.

It seems that your marriage and peer pressure/fear is the only thing stopping you. I don't think the question you're really asking is are you gay/bi/bi curious, I think you know the truth (and I'm not criticizing at all), I think the question here is how much longer can you repress and fight your sexuality? I think you subconsciously sabotaged yourself by asking your wife's friends, like Euphoric said (and you know it too) most people can't keep a secret. There's that saying amongst psychologists: no one runs out of gas accidently, we all have control over what happens, sometimes we just need to do things indirectly because we can't face things directly. Using the excuse 'I ran out of gas' is not as lame or problem invoking as saying, 'I was too scared/tired/bored/late/ to meet you' do you see what I'm getting at? I think deep down you getting 'busted' by the abuse of trust was the easiest way for you to 'come out'. No offense, but if you genuinely believed your WIFE'S FRIEND was not going to tell her you really do need your head examining, Gossip is like the elixir of youth for most women.

2) Most relationships are about commitment, if your wife accepted you for being open about being bi, could you be faithful?

Conceding to being gay and her accepting it isn't a license to go out there doing what you like when you like. This doesn't have to end the relationship but right now I don't think you know you are and what you want. Again, no offense, unclear thoughts (which you have) lead to unclear outcomes. As someone rightfully pointed out, being bi-curious doesn't necessarily mean you are gay/bi. Some people do experiment and realize they are straight (usually girls from my own experience). While you are married, I personally (again, no offense) think your marriage is balancing precariously on unstable foundations, I think the next step is to try and establish whether or not you are gay or bi and going from there.

Confiding to your wife that you are bi-curious will only confirm her suspicions (what you both already know) and likely leave her with as many questions and as few answers as you: you'll both be playing the waiting game and wondering what and when the next move will be.

My experience is that gay men are generally a caring and thoughtful bunch who usually stick together, if for no other reason than solidarity for one another. Most have been persecuted for their sexuality and are intimately familiar with the social difficulties surrounding homosexuality/bi-sexuality and 'coming out'. I don't think there are any here (at least none I'm aware of), but for the reasons above I can understand why you have been, and are so loath to confront this head on. I think you should perhaps speak to a gay man or join a gay men's forum, there you will find many others who are in or who have been in your situation.

Henry Miller, just before his death wrote,"In the last reaches of being , there is but one true marriage: each person wedded to himself." Without honesty neither of your marriages can succeed.

Erica Jong also had something interesting to say on freedom: "Most people are not free. Freedom in fact frightens them. They follow patterns set by their parents, enforced by society, by their terrors of 'they say' and 'what will they think?' and by a constant inner dialogue of that weighs duty against desire and pronounces duty the winner"

Good luck, and may you pronounce desire, whatever it may be, the winner...

[wonderingguy84]

There is nothing else that can really be added to the advice already given here, but just to add my own version from a man's perspective:

1) OP, if you thought you could have sex with this man you like tonight, and NO-ONE in the world would find out, would you do it?

My hypothesis,based on your post is yes, you would.

It seems that your marriage and peer pressure/fear is the only thing stopping you. I don't think the question you're really asking is are you gay/bi/bi curious, I think you know the truth (and I'm not criticizing at all), I think the question here is how much longer can you repress and fight your sexuality? I think you subconsciously sabotaged yourself by asking your wife's friends, like Euphoric said (and you know it too) most people can't keep a secret. There's that saying amongst psychologists: no one runs out of gas accidently, we all have control over what happens, sometimes we just need to do things indirectly because we can't face things directly. Using the excuse 'I ran out of gas' is not as lame or problem invoking as saying, 'I was too scared/tired/bored/late/ to meet you' do you see what I'm getting at? I think deep down you getting 'busted' by the abuse of trust was the easiest way for you to 'come out'. No offense, but if you genuinely believed your WIFE'S FRIEND was not going to tell her you really do need your head examining, Gossip is like the elixir of youth for most women.

2) Most relationships are about commitment, if your wife accepted you for being open about being bi, could you be faithful?

Conceding to being gay and her accepting it isn't a license to go out there doing what you like when you like. This doesn't have to end the relationship but right now I don't think you know you are and what you want. Again, no offense, unclear thoughts (which you have) lead to unclear outcomes. As someone rightfully pointed out, being bi-curious doesn't necessarily mean you are gay/bi. Some people do experiment and realize they are straight (usually girls from my own experience). While you are married, I personally (again, no offense) think your marriage is balancing precariously on unstable foundations, I think the next step is to try and establish whether or not you are gay or bi and going from there.

Confiding to your wife that you are bi-curious will only confirm her suspicions (what you both already know) and likely leave her with as many questions and as few answers as you: you'll both be playing the waiting game and wondering what and when the next move will be.

My experience is that gay men are generally a caring and thoughtful bunch who usually stick together, if for no other reason than solidarity for one another. Most have been persecuted for their sexuality and are intimately familiar with the social difficulties surrounding homosexuality/bi-sexuality and 'coming out'. I don't think there are any here (at least none I'm aware of), but for the reasons above I can understand why you have been, and are so loath to confront this head on. I think you should perhaps speak to a gay man or join a gay men's forum, there you will find many others who are in or who have been in your situation.

Henry Miller, just before his death wrote,"In the last reaches of being , there is but one true marriage: each person wedded to himself." Without honesty neither of your marriages can succeed.

Erica Jong also had something interesting to say on freedom: "Most people are not free. Freedom in fact frightens them. They follow patterns set by their parents, enforced by society, by their terrors of 'they say' and 'what will they think?' and by a constant inner dialogue of that weighs duty against desire and pronounces duty the winner"

Good luck, and may you pronounce desire, whatever it may be, the winner...

Thank you all for your input! Let me respond to a few questions and clarify a few things. No, even if i had the chance right now, and no one would find out..I still wouldnt go through with it. I love my wife more than anything, and the guilt of cheating on her would eat me alive. Question # 2. Yes, i could and will totally be faithful to my wife.

My main goal in all of this is just that she knows, and understands and accepts me for me. I am not asking her, nor do i want to start having sex with men on the side. Am I curious about going down on some really hot guy? Extremely. However, my marriage is more important. To other post, yes I would love it if she used a strap on on me. I think that would help my urges subside. I do agree though, that in some odd way..part of me wishes she knew, or either suspected it enough that she would ask me about it so we could talk. I am having such a tough time getting the guts to bring it up myself. The reference to the guy in the original post was merely to illustrate that my urges have gotten intense enough that i fantasize about certain guys, instead of the penis just by itself. It should be noted that I have no desire to date a man, or have a relationship with one. It is pure sexual curiosity.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Can I perhaps ask you a very personal question?

Alot of women, find a woman's body to be very desirable to look at, and yet they are not bi-sexual.

I therefore can only imagine that men could be the same.

I also can only imagine women who have a higher sex drive, who are a little adventurous, yet, their partner does not and isn't would fantasize alot about certain positions, acts, actions where sex is concerned.

So, my point being, you have suggested that your sex life isn't what you personally would prefer in many ways. Does this also therefore include that your wife will not and does not, (thinking of right word) , provide that intimacy with you mouth to thy penis (best I could come up with )

It could be if that is the case, that whilst you are on craiglist, you may be looking at other things as well, that the real desire is having a more active sex life with interest for you.

Just a thought.

I think you should question all possibles.

I also agree with our members and am glad that you are not thinking of cheating, but also, that she has seen that you have been on their and made a joke regarding you being gay. Whilst she may not accept it totally (your curiousity) she sounds open to talk about it. After all you don't know yourself, it's not like you are stating to her that you are gay and want to leave her.

[wonderingguy84]

Can I perhaps ask you a very personal question?

Alot of women, find a woman's body to be very desirable to look at, and yet they are not bi-sexual.

I therefore can only imagine that men could be the same.

I also can only imagine women who have a higher sex drive, who are a little adventurous, yet, their partner does not and isn't would fantasize alot about certain positions, acts, actions where sex is concerned.

So, my point being, you have suggested that your sex life isn't what you personally would prefer in many ways. Does this also therefore include that your wife will not and does not, (thinking of right word) , provide that intimacy with you mouth to thy penis (best I could come up with )

It could be if that is the case, that whilst you are on craiglist, you may be looking at other things as well, that the real desire is having a more active sex life with interest for you.

Just a thought.

My sex life with her is very boring, and sometimes it doesnt happen to often. Especially when I have troubles performing. I can get it up, just sometimes have issues reaching orgasm during sex. I do wish we would be more kinky, etc..but part of me has admitted to myself that probably wont happen. Unless i get her drunk, then she opens up. The man in my original post is to illustrate how my urges have gone from just the penis, to fully desiring hot sex with an actual man, and not just the penis.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

My sex life with her is very boring, and sometimes it doesnt happen to often. Especially when I have troubles performing. I can get it up, just sometimes have issues reaching orgasm during sex. I do wish we would be more kinky, etc..but part of me has admitted to myself that probably wont happen. Unless i get her drunk, then she opens up. The man in my original post is to illustrate how my urges have gone from just the penis, to fully desiring hot sex with an actual man, and not just the penis.

If your wife lets go of her inhibitions more when she has alcohol, then she is open to letting go full stop. Alcohol makes a person feel comfortable and often women think wrongly so that by being a little more adventurous they are being tarty even with their husbands and they hide therefore. I gather you are therefore also saying that no she will not perform oral with you.


I am confused. You only spoke of oral. Not hot sex, now it is hot sex with a man?

Do you watch porn as well?