[Tanya87]

Any help, advise or suggestions is welcome, thank u

[jns]

Crazy Toes, may people have stress. The difference between outcomes is how you handle stress. Your bf could be attentive to you if he knew and cared. Getting you over the peak is his duty to you as is your getting him over the peak is your duty to him. I think the problem is actually about communications. He has became efficient at reaching climax and doesn't realize that it takes time to get you there. I would say to reduce the number of times at having sexual relations if needed to spend more quality time getting you to climax. You have to tell him what is going on and figure out between the two of you what to do about it.

You didn't go into how you reach climax. If it is from intercourse, he needs to last longer. If it is from oral or hands, he needs to spend more time. Maybe it would be good for him to learn oral or using hands as he wouldn't be spent after ejaculation. As a side benefit, both are less prone to influence by stress. If he uses hands, he may need a very light touch.

Tanya, what is the problem? Does he have erectile dysfunction or low libido? Or is he into self pleasure? What? Was he always like this or was good sex more often before? Was that before having a child? Has he changed? Have you changed?

[Tanya87]

Low libido he's just not interested in it, he does self pleasure also but I think that's about once a week normally from what I gather but hard to tell now as he does it in the bathroom rather than leaving evidence around so he doesn't get 'caught'

It's was good and often when we first got together and then slowly started to decrease and then practically stopped. I think the only reason he does these days is to shut me up or save himself the grief, not cause he wants to nessarily.

I think we've both changed a bit, he was on meds for anxiety for about a year n a half n I think he got used to the mental state that they give him even when he finished taking them and the 'behaviour' kinda stayed with him, but he's always been pretty laid back about everything in life anyway so not much bothers him.

I've been very on edge lately, partially due to feeling neglected and fighting off other things n dealing with other stresses but I would never say no whatever my situation with him if he wanted to b intimate, the whole time we've been together I've turned him down once n lost count of the amount of times he turned me down n I've felt like a fool and stupid for dressing up etc.

It all started after the 'honeymoon' period so to speak but I cud understand that because he was also going through a lot at the time, but to go from several times a week to once or nothing was a bit of a shock to the system, I thought it would all go bk to normal after a while but it's always remained the same or gets worse from time to time.
I also have a 5 year old son as well as our 6 month old daughter so time can b of essence sometimes but we always have one day a fortnight when the kids are away and he never takes advantage of that either.

He says because I make an issue of it that it doesn't help n makes him feel more under pressure and makes the whole idea of it not pleasurable because he now associates it with arguments hence why I can't really talk to him about it anymore because if it's already bad I'm gonna make it worse by bringing it up again. So I'm lost really

[Harmony]

he was on meds for anxiety for about a year n a half n I think he got used to the mental state that they give him even when he finished taking them and the 'behaviour' kinda stayed with him, but he's always been pretty laid back about everything in life anyway so not much bothers him.

Bingo, I'll bet you dollars for doughnuts this is the problem.
He needs to go to the doctor and ask that a full panel of male blood tests be taken, this is what he needs to ask for:
-LH and FSH [LH/FSH]
-TT
-FT or bio-T
-E2
-Prolactin
-DHT
-PSA
-DRE (prostate exam)

Off of the top of my head I cannot explain exactly how anti-depressants negatively effect your libido other than that they interfere with hormone levels, the hormones which regulate sexual function...

I've heard men complain of various problems re AD use ranging from not being to get or maintain an erection to not being able to ejaculate to putting on weight. I've also heard these complaints 18 months after use.

I'm positive that if he gets these tests done that the results will not all be satisfactory. Another thing to watch out for is the doctor not providing the results and just saying 'everything is in range' this is not a satisfactory response. For example, his testosterone could be at the very low end of normal, loitering on the edge of 'low' whilst his estrogen level is at the high end of normal, bordering at becoming unacceptably high. Ideally estrogen should be at the low end of normal and testosterone should be towards the higher end of normal.

Has your BF's body-fat increased? Has he lost muscle and/or gained weight, especially around the face, waist, and chest?

While anti-depressants can be beneficial to people who need them they can also have long lasting after effects and wreak havoc on hormone levels. I've heard men saying that they have erection problems even with viagra while on ADs.

Needless to say young lady this isn't your fault so don't beat yourself up.

[Tanya87]

Thank u Harmony, yes he has put weight on since been on them but has been off them now for about 7 months, he was never able to put weight on before and I think sumthing in the meds allowed that to happen for the first time in his life. I also don't think he'd go to the doctors because I have brought that up before to him, I think he may b too embarrassed, which is why I have to 'learn' to deal with it.

As for myself, life was getting to much and I couldn't cope anymore with regards to my relationship and the issues i was having in it, i didnt mention before but i was diagnosed with post natal depression and i guess i needed affection more so now than ever and wasnt getting it.

my mental state was going beyond thoughts i couldn't control, which was making things worse between myself and my partner, so I have started taking anti depressants myself now, mostly to make me feel better and I think they are working but i still have to wait until they settle in properly but it's making me see how bad I was and how unhappy I really felt, I felt really happy yesterday but I felt like it was weird because I forgot what happy felt like but I'm hoping that taking the meds will also curb my drive because if it's low then it won't b a problem anymore x

[Little_Man_in_the_Boat]

If he is just jumping on, jumping off after ejaculation then its no wonder your not enjoying it.

Why does he need Viagra ?

If he can't sustain an erection you need to look at why.

Not getting an erection is a psychological problem.

You need a lot more foreplay, hours of foreplay, which ultimatley leads to orgasm for a women.

For men to throw childred he needs just to insert and ejaculate.

For a women to have an orgasm he needs to spend hours on foreplay to get you wetter and wetter until finally your wet all over your body and inside your vagina.

Try to prolong the penetration for as long as possible.

Kissing and cuddling lots of things that turn you on before you even think about getting your clothes off.

Prolong that time between penetration get him to use his hands to caress you all over for hours on end.

Caressing with your hands must be done right, its not rubbing its caressing which is like gliding your hands over the skin cells or the hair follicles.

It must be down with extreme gentleness and slow gliding patterns all over your body.

Get him to initially starts running his fingers through your very clean and dry hair and also gently and very slowly with his finger nails over your scalp.

Use a kneeding motion with curled fingers like a cat does with its paws when you pat it.

Do this head massage for awhile and then let him caress your neck, shoulders, back, buttocks, back of legs and finally your feet with care (try to avoid tickling).

Be aware of pulling your hair this is a no no for the obvious reasons.

So it must be done with the utmost care.

Then gradully he can work his way up your torso again to your head.

After awhile turn over and let him do the same to the front of your body.

Repeat,

Try not to spend too much time around your breasts and vulva.(save this for later)

Repeat,

After as long as you can stand it allow penetration but ultimately if you want to reach orgasm you must push on with the caressing until your drenched in sweat not only in your vagina but also all over your body.

Circling motions with his hands.

Long strokes, short strokes.

Around and around up and down in and out over and under, the insides of your legs and the outsides of your legs.

Gradully hone in on the errogenous zones like vulva and breasts but I see the entire body as an errogenous zone not just the vulva and breasts.

This caressing has a cathartic affect on women which relaxes and also erouses them.

This sweat is not from exertion its some strange physilogical phenomena from a heightened state of erousal.

I see a womens orgasm as a force that must be overcome with caressing foreplay over time - if you spend enough time caressing the body will eventually let go and produce an orgasm but its not easily achieved like many I'm sure believe.

So more foreplay a lot more.

Prolong penetration as long as possible.

[Tanya87]

Lol I appreciate all the writing u have done but he doesn't have a problem in that area, n I guess we r both conscious about r bodies so we don't really spend too much time building up to it all. The main issue that I have is that he just doesn't want to n I guess, I have kinda accepted now that there's nothing I can do about it, hopefully my medication will kick in properly soon and I can stop having these feelings and have a lower drive to match his but thank u for the advice anyway.