[Pisces_Ginger]

Do you please your wife? Maybe it's a chore for her.

I'm not trying to be insulting... I'm just giving a female point of view.

Are you doing enough foreplay to get your wife interested in sex? Are you asking for sex when it isn't a good time of day for her? I used to try to initiate sex with my husband but he said he doesn't like me asking for it. So I stopped and never initiate it and so when I'm ready I take care of myself. The rest of the time... he asks when I'm stressed out or busy with something and when I go along with it ... it is a quickie... meaning no foreplay and straight to penetration unless I give him oral first. So, it's not fun... it's all about him. Since I'm starting pre-menopause, it HURTS just to do the quick penetration... maybe your wife needs you to put more effort into getting her ready? Don't just expect / ask for sex... get her hot for you! Pretend your single again and do what you would do to if you were trying to impress the new woman.

[caster]

I've spent considerable time trying to get her aroused during foreplay, only on the times she's willing to use her toy (which means she's willing and/or wanting an O) does she get aroused during foreplay, so sometimes it has become somewhat of quick penetration when she's, as I put it, accomodating to my needs of more than once every 3 months.
I still try, but she just isn't interested in putting forth an effort on her part to get aroused, I wish she were. I have no idea why or how anyone couldn't enjoy arousal and sexual intercourse more than once every few months.

As far as stressed, busy, etc... there is rarely a perfect time for any couple to match up without something in the background. My point is to put those aside and focus on each other for awhile, it'll make the stress and business seem trival afterward.
But I do realize there are times when it just can't happen, last night for example, she asked about taking care of me, oral and hand. I had a splitting headache and was exhausted from work and commute home, so I saw no need to even try, not even sure I could have, I was in bed and asleep early.
We all have days like that, including her, but it's usually the exception, not the rule.

[Pisces_Ginger]

More thoughts on the subject...

Caster, I feel bad for your situation. How is your wife's health? Does she complain of pain or headaches regularly? Is she going through menopause? I think you mentioned earlier that you two spend a lot of time together and that she doesn't have many other people other than you to spend time with... maybe she is going through depression? Major depression can take desire for most things away. Do you two have a lot of stress in your lives (financial, kids, etc)... when I am constantly worried -- it kills my libido. Also, if you and she bicker a lot (through the years) maybe she has some resentment and doesn't feel close enough to you to want to be that intimate. Another thought is maybe she has always been into pleasing you and never really figured out what she likes in the bedroom and so finds it to be a chore after all this time. Maybe couples counseling or counseling for her to discuss why she is afraid to show her desires to you and why she is not interested in sex? Maybe she has unresolved issues (like rape or incest) that she has never discussed so having sex makes her feel emotionally uncomfortable.

Maybe she doesn't like how she looks and feels embarrassed. Do you look at porn, go to strip clubs?... maybe this bothers her and she doesn't feel like she measures up to those other women. Have you two tried masturbating to porn that both of you would enjoy (don't laugh or make any comments if she is starting to climax -- maybe just tell her how beautiful she is (later). Don't talk during this time (just both be together on the couch with blankets on your laps (if that makes her comfortable) and later talk about how you love to see her enjoy herself. If she is uncomfortable with this try to see if she can explain why.

Kiss her and hug her before and after work. Treat her like you are dating her instead of being married to her for all these years. Take her out for romantic dinners (or make her a nice meal with candles). Don't let sex be just about the act. Most women want the romance, too. Don't ask her for sex. Give her a massage (doesn't have to be naked)... put lotion on her feet and massage them. Make her feel like you really love her and want more than just sex. As a woman, just having sex doesn't bring me to orgasm. I have to be ready for it in my mind... for men it's easier to reach climax if they are getting the right physical stimulation. For some women, it's also about feeling romantically close to the man. If I'm not "ready" then I don't like being touched... it can be annoying. Penetration can be painful if not physically and emotionally ready (if she is going through or has completed menopause then use a good lube because the dryness in the vagina makes sex extremely painful and can cause some tearing and bleeding)-- would you want to have sex if it was painful? She maybe embarrassed to tell you about this). I have to relax. I can't relax if I'm being pawed at and expected to perform sexually when my needs are not being met. This is why I suggest treating her like a person you are dating (and want to impress) instead of a wife. When I was single and being pursued, the sex was so exciting and amazing and I couldn't wait to do it again. How was your sex life before you got married (with her and before her)? What does your wife get excited about (not just sexually)? If you share experiences you both can't wait to get to it might ignite further passion between you and her. Have lots of conversations with her about how she is doing and how you are. Learn more about what is going on in her head and listen without judging maybe that will help you to make things better for both of you. If she seems depressed and just goes through the motions of every day life then she needs to speak to a counselor and possibly go on an anti-depressant otherwise nothing will change. I hope you don't tell her how you can see why guys cheat... that is just going to make her feel more insecure and depressed.

[Pisces_Ginger]

P.S. Are you showering and brushing your teeth before you try to initiate sex? Sometimes my husband wants to get intimate beforehand and I find it a turnoff to get sexual when he doesn't smell fresh. I.E. He just ate some gross food and then wants to kiss....ewwwww or he wants oral sex and an hour beforehand went to the bathroom (number two). I love giving oral and pleasing my husband when he smells good!

[caster]

Whew Ginger, that's a lot to cover.
By all appearances we have a very good marriage. We never, ever fight. Rarely even disagree, I think part of our issue is we're too good of friends, so we're sometimes more like friends with benefits in a way.
You have to realize, we've been together for 30 years so we know each other well and have no problem talking about most anything. About the only thing she won't talk freely about is sex, specifically what she likes or wants. I can't drag any information out of her. I'm her forth guy, a one night stand and two boyfriends, one lasted only a few months, the other a little over a year, she says sex was never that important to her until she met me and found out how enjoyable it can be, now it seems that's gone. My physical drive may have deminished over the years, but my desire certainly hasn't.

There really is no wooing to do, we touch and hug often, we don't kiss like we used to, we're just not that good at it, never were. I'd had girlfriends that kissing was what got us going and we'd enjoy making out, with her we've never really had that spark from just kissing, and at our age now making out like teenagers just feels weird, but we still kiss passionately at times.
She refuses to let me give her oral, she said it's not my technique she just doesn't like it, she likes doing it to me though, no cleanlyness issues.
The sex we have the most is when I give her a massage, it's nice and all but it's somewhat mechanical for me and without passion on her part. When she's wanting it we'll start with hand play and kissing, and then me using her toy on her while she gives me oral, usually that get's us both going, she'll continue using her toy once I enter her, sometimes we can O at the same time, pretty awesome when we do, sometime her first, sometimes me first. These are always good enjoyable sessions for us both when she O's.
Like I said earlier, I'd settle for that once or twice a month, not once every three months, sometimes longer.

The stress in our relationship is mainly on me, caused pretty much by this situation that I'm fed up with. Money isn't a problem, no kids, no bills, no skeletons hidden. She and I will watch a Porn movie together sometimes, she likes ones with story lines, but it's maybe just once or twice a year we do that. I'll occasionally watch one when she's gone, mainly just to see some sex, but even that's extremely rare.

I just wonder how common it is for a woman to have such a low sex drive, but enjoy sex so much when she does allow herself too.
BTW, she's now actually started the come hither, I'll take care of you tatics I mentioned earlier, it's the same old thing whenever I get fed up with it. She considers it trying I guess, but it's really her way of pleasing me without having to try anything different on her part.

[Pisces_Ginger]

I think it is common for women to have a low sex drive with their significant other when they are depressed, physically not feeling well, some previous baggage that keeps her from being wanting sex, is cheating, or maybe she is bored with sex the way it is. Since she refuses to discuss sex, then, if it is very important to you, insist seeing a sex therapist or couples counselor to discuss issues is probably the only way to work this out. If she refuses to go, then go on your own.

Just a thought, Would you and she would be open to swinging? She maybe interested but too shy or embarrassed to ask you. Maybe print out this forum post and see what she says about it?

[caster]

Well last night didn't go very well. Her friend isn't available so she said "that's fine I have plenty to do here". I made a simple comment of, "too bad, you could really use a break from this place" she snapped back "leave me alone, I'm fine... " so I said "well I'm not" Things got pretty quiet after that, she tried later to see if I wanted taken care of since I crashed out the night before, by then I was in no mood for sex, especially when she uses it just to pacify me.
We haven't talked about it yet, but the conversation will probably go "so, as long as you say we don't have a problem I guess we don't" and see where she goes with that.

Like I said, I'm just fed up with this. I don't plan to spend my hopefully 30 more years like this, while she'd be content the way things are. It's actually starting to affect not only my overall outlook and mood but also my ability to have sex some times. Just like a woman, a mans ability to get arousal is determined quite a bit by our mental state, the main difference is if we ain't up, it's just ain't gonna happen.

A therapist would probably be a good idea, but finding a good one is the issue. I'd probably have to be the one to go see a few to see if it's someone I think we can open up to. She actually should have gone through grief counseling a few years back, I think she's carrying a lot of baggage she can't get over, but says she's fine, sorry but I know her better than that.

She has no desire for swinging, me ether.
I'd be happy just to find some other couple to interact with, we have no friends we interact with, the one couple we had was her sister and boyfriend, she died a few years back and the guy moved away, and she has no desire to make any new friends. I have a group I get together with every 4-6 weeks, so that helps with my interaction, she doesn't do anything to interact with others except at work.

[Lady Syrinx]

Being apart doesn't necessarily make things better. My husband went back to school for his. MCSE IN 09. Not only was it 2 or 3 nights oficial class per week and almost interminable studying for each test. I got the idea that what little time we got was supposed to be fun, no serious conversation, etc. We became increasingly distant and our relationship suffered. There was some jealousy on my part as well. In January 2007, I was accepted into an online masters program at a local university. When I found out that pregnant wot our daughter I had to drop it.

We went through about 3 years of an emotional rollercoaser between 2009 and 2012. Until the local Symphony Pops saved us. I suggested going to the Christmas performance in 2011. We ended up getting a subscription for the remaining concerts. Having this one activity that we enjoy brought the passion back to our relationship. Our sex life is through the roof quality-wise. We make time whenever we can, though I think we both wish the frequency could be better. But with all the commitments that come along with a five year old that's expected.

[caster]

The number one things she's asked me lately is; "What do you want me to do?"
That's really a tough questions to answer because I don't want her to actually "do" anything. I need her to be aware I'm a vibrant, sexual being that loves her, desires her, is married to her for life, but desires and needs more physical and emotional contact in which she's an active recipricating participant.

At first I thought maybe she wasn't intersted in me physcially anymore, I'm now in better shape than probably anytime in the last 10 years, I think that backfired, now she's whining about her being out of shape and unattractive even though I praise her appearance and approach her often just to let her know I still desire her, not trying to bed her at that particular time, just letting her know she's desirable. I just can't win no matter what I try.
Self esteem issues maybe?

The entire situation is simple, yet extremely complicated.

[Pisces_Ginger]

Well last night didn't go very well. Her friend isn't available so she said "that's fine I have plenty to do here". I made a simple comment of, "too bad, you could really use a break from this place" she snapped back "leave me alone, I'm fine... " so I said "well I'm not" Things got pretty quiet after that, she tried later to see if I wanted taken care of since I crashed out the night before, by then I was in no mood for sex, especially when she uses it just to pacify me.


Like I said, I'm just fed up with this. I don't plan to spend my hopefully 30 more years like this, while she'd be content the way things are. It's actually starting to affect not only my overall outlook and mood but also my ability to have sex some times. Just like a woman, a mans ability to get arousal is determined quite a bit by our mental state, the main difference is if we ain't up, it's just ain't gonna happen.

I think your wife is trying to keep you happy. If she wasn't interested and didn't love you, she wouldn't offer to please you. I am sorry your having trouble to get aroused sometimes but maybe if you saw the doctor... you could get help with this. However, if your job is very physically and emotionally damaging then that could be affecting it too. Please don't stay in the frame of mind that it is your wife's fault that the sex isn't what you want it to be. You said she asked, "What do you want me to do?"... it sounds like she wants to make things better. She loves you. Cuddle with her more often and relax more together. Maybe you are depressed. It's starting to come across that way through your posts. I hope you can find a neutral person to talk to soon.