[JonDoe]

During yet another state of the marriage discussion recently, I asked my wife to share what turns her on or gets her in the mood. She said it turns her on to see her man working. I've worked 60+ hours per week for the last three decades. In addition, I am the carpenter, painter, plumber, electrician, lawn mower, landscaper, garbage man, handy man, repairman, mechanic, computer technician, dish washer, car washer, limo driver, grill master and bus boy for our household, but obviously that just isn't enough for her. So I am thinking about hiring a local day laborer to come to my house once a week to dig a hole in my back yard, and then fill the whole back in so I can have sex with my wife while she is looking out the window at a man doing back breaking grunt work. Maybe that will turn her on to pretend she is married to him and busting his balls, while I'm busting mine.

[Lady Syrinx]

If nothing else I think the differences are a good measure of serious incompatibility. I'm on the side that finds it hard to understand the concept of not wanting (lots of) sex, but I acknowledge that it exists. But I could never be with someone who wanted far less sex than me longterm. Sexual satisfaction is just too important for overall happiness.

If the people who don't want sex really don't want it (as opposed to some other reason like Lady Syrinx mentioned above), they certainly shouldn't be compelled to provide it, but at the same time the 'oversexed' partner shouldn't be compelled to do without. If the two sides are irreconcilable, that's a sure sign that each should be looking for someone more their speed rather than trying to smooth over a gaping problem. Like we've seen so many threads here, it's only going to result in resentment down the line.

For the record, I could see a fair amount of wiggle room for the sides to come together, like if I wanted sex 10 times a week but my partner could only provide nine, okay I can live with that. But if they can only provide nine times a month, that's different. I can't live with that.

There's also a difference between the sexes here I think ....I assume that for a man to be 'forced' to perform, he will have an erection, ejaculate, and have an orgasm. I just can't get my head around how having an orgasm could be unpleasant, so I'm a little confused about that side. A woman though doesn't really have to do anything but spread her legs to perform, so I can see how having no personal reward could be less 'fair' for her.

Now I can`t imagine life without sex. I don`t know how I did it for five years of my life. The result is the same regardless of the reason for the lack sex drive, resentment terrible, crushing resentment. We were both aware of this side-effect of Anti-depressants, I`d been on them before. It almost destroyed our marriage. I resented him because in my warped view I saw him as oversexed. And he resented me for trying my "wifely duty." Him blaming himself " I must be a bad lover." (completely untrue) or "I`m not big enough to satisfy you" .(again completely untrue). Constant questioning of whether I loved or even wanted him anymore. Every encounter ended with me in tears over what we`d become, the stereotypical married couple who rarely have sex and could only talk about their child without fighting.

[Stillness]

I resented him because in my warped view I saw him as oversexed.

This is the thing I'd like to understand. How do some people with low libidos justify their lack of interest? How does the other partner get to be the one at fault? In my experience, this is worse than the lack of sex because it gives someone who's already been rejected reason to doubt themselves even more.

I think that the moment when my wife and I really started to move forward was when I opened my eyes to the fact that people simply have differences in libido. I decided that I wasn't blaming her, but I wasn't going to be blamed anymore either and I wasn't chasing anymore carrots on a stick. When I told her, it was like I could see the lightbulb go on over her head. She had really fooled herself and me, I think.

She's one of the most honest people I know, but I guess that when she was trying to figure out what was wrong, her mind rested on the answer that it must be me. How does one get to that point?

[JonDoe]

How do some people with low libidos justify their lack of interest? How does the other partner get to be the one at fault? In my experience, this is worse than the lack of sex because it gives someone who's already been rejected reason to doubt themselves even more.

So true. In my case, my wife was dismissive when I shared my feelings with her, then became argumentative. Her rejections were never of the form "Honey, I'm not in the mood right now, but maybe a little later." For example, if I walked up behind her in the kitchen, put my arms around her and kissed her on the back of the neck, she would elbow me and tell me to stop groping. If I climbed in the shower with her, she would say the following in a nasty tone "what the hell are you doing? I don't have time for that! You know I have an appointment to get my toes done in two hours."

I have reached a point where I feel like a sex addict that doesn't get his fix. I think about sex far more now than ever in my life, and yet I'm having much less sex than ever in my life. It is tormenting me, and making me old before my time.

The rejected spouse starts to lose confidence in himself as a spouse and lover, then the lack of confidence eventually spills over into other areas of life. This can be emasculating for men. Long-term it is devastating.

My wife's most frequently used excused are: I'm too busy, I'm too tired, it's too early/late, I don't like spooning, I'm watching TV / reading a book, ...

She refuses to spoon with me for a few minutes before we go to sleep, but for years she has spooned the dogs on the couch while watching TV, in bed when she takes a nap and at night when I was accepting of her having the dogs sleep in our bed. The dogs are no longer allowed to sleep in our bed when I am in it.

[stigggger]

I’m finding this thread very interesting and somewhat close to home. For those of you who will have read my other thread you’ll know my relationship with my wife is somewhat stressed. However, the marriage as a whole being under pressure has left gaping holes in all areas of our relationship, not just sex. Sex declined rapidly after our second child, I’d estimate 5-15 times a year for the last 3, all mostly ‘bad’ and unfulfilling sex.

Not so long ago we both came completely clean and it resulted in some fairly hurtful honest truths to the extent that my wife disclosed that she has no sexual desire for me and when we do have sex it is wholly unfulfilling (I have to say that I feel the same unfulfilled feeling during/after sex, but maintain a healthy desire for her). I never try to instigate sex with her now as quite simply there’s no point (save 1 exception, see below).

Having shared our honest feelings I’ve tried to open up further conversations to lead us into a place of sexual recovery… and now she says she feels pressured by the whole thing (another turn off) so we seem to be back to square 1 with no communication or openness in the matter… so I’m about to give up and get on with my live as a single married man.

Your top-of-the-page post JonDoe made me laugh, as that’s pretty much me… however, now I think about it, she probably perceives me as her live-in maid/general dogsbody… some might say I’ve become “too nice” and too much of a Beta kind of man, I can imagine this too is a turn off. Your most recent post made me sad, as that's also me but replace the dog with children.

I don’t know, my last resort, going back to the thread topic, of how to make her have sex with you is 2 fold… I know that (1) when I masturbate in bed next to her it ultimately ends up in sex (not the most fulfilling sex, but sex all the same) and (2) you can’t make someone want to have sex with you, you can’t change them (that’s pretty much chemistry if you ask me), but you can change yourself. And therein I have set myself the target of becoming more attractive to her, however that is done…

[Stillness]

My lady once told me that she's turned on for me when I'm not around. I challenge anyone to be more confused than I am.

[stigggger]

My lady once told me that she's turned on for me when I'm not around. I challenge anyone to be more confused than I am.

Ha ha... I used to get told that, but it was normally when we'd had a pre-work quickie and she was horny for me until I got home... pre-children of course so sadly that's not been the case in years...

[jen1447]

No offense, but some of these posts from you guys are hilarious. "I get turned on by seeing you work," spooning with dogs, "I get hot when you're not there," etc. I'm not laughing at you, just trying to offer some comfort.

[JonDoe]

My lady once told me that she's turned on for me when I'm not around. I challenge anyone to be more confused than I am.

Is that a quote from Rodney Dangerfield?

[Stillness]

Is that a quote from Rodney Dangerfield?

Nothing is funnier than real life. She seemed to be just as confused as I was about it too.