[DreamP346]

So many people come on this forum because they have a partner who is not into sex/has no desire. We often give them advice on spicing things up, talking to the partner, negotiating sex, etc. But I am starting to wonder, in a way, we are trying to make this other partner (with the lower sex drive) do things they don't really want to. Would the partner with the higher drive really want to have sex with somebody who doesn't want it, who is only doing it to maintain the relationship, who isn't being sexually aroused by their partner?

[rcoreyus]

A really good question. I think that people who enjoy sex automatically assume that everyone would enjoy it if they just "got into it". There may be some truth to this too - my wife very rarely wanted sex with me for 25 years. Hints didn't help. When it finally go to I really couldn't stand living like a monk anymore and finally got her to talk about, we started having sex much more frequently. She now really enjoys it, and initiates as often as I do. (no, to this day I don't understand what was going on).

Some of this may be that infrequent sex is bad sex. If one partner is feeling incredibly frustrated, and the other pressured, they are not likely to have a good time together. This makes the next session seem less appealing. The problem in some cases (like mine) may just continue to grow.

There of course may also be a significant number of people who really don't enjoy sex, and won't under any circumstances. That is fine, but I think it isn't fair for someone with a higher sex drive to be trapped in a relationship / marriage with someone who doesn't want sex. Sex isn't a duty, but when people decide to marry, it is something that is assumed to be a frequent part of life.

Then there are people who can enjoy sex, but not with their current partners. This could be an issue them, or with the partner (who might be a terrible lover for example).

All these scenarios make this really complicated - probably one of the reasons it is discussed so much here.

To answer your specific question - I would not want sex with someone who wasn't enjoying it, but I also wouldn't want to live without it.

[Stillness]

This is not hypothetical for me since I've lived with it my whole marriage. I do still want sex, but not as much as I would if my wife was as into it as I am. My reasons are different too.

My wife and I are closer when we have sex. Lack of intimacy also leaves people more open to infidelity. So sex is more utilitarian than it wouldbe if we were equally matched.

[Lady Syrinx]

I would say that probably depends on the couple. The "wifely duty" idea just made things worse when we went through our semi-sexless period. Given this was situation was caused by meds and not my just having a low libido.. I think the desire was there because I wanted that connection with my mam. The way I once described to my husbandwas that it was bottled up inside me, I wanted him so badly but was unable to express it because I had no response to anything he did. He thought it was just boredom, he would suggests things to spice it up like costumes , etc. I always turned it down since it seemed pointless to try to spice up something that was thoroughly unenjoyable to me. Actually, now our more synchronous. We`re like newlyweds but we can`t indulge as much we`d like due to the commitments that come with a 10 year marriage.

[jen1447]

If nothing else I think the differences are a good measure of serious incompatibility. I'm on the side that finds it hard to understand the concept of not wanting (lots of) sex, but I acknowledge that it exists. But I could never be with someone who wanted far less sex than me longterm. Sexual satisfaction is just too important for overall happiness.

If the people who don't want sex really don't want it (as opposed to some other reason like Lady Syrinx mentioned above), they certainly shouldn't be compelled to provide it, but at the same time the 'oversexed' partner shouldn't be compelled to do without. If the two sides are irreconcilable, that's a sure sign that each should be looking for someone more their speed rather than trying to smooth over a gaping problem. Like we've seen so many threads here, it's only going to result in resentment down the line.

For the record, I could see a fair amount of wiggle room for the sides to come together, like if I wanted sex 10 times a week but my partner could only provide nine, okay I can live with that. But if they can only provide nine times a month, that's different. I can't live with that.

There's also a difference between the sexes here I think ....I assume that for a man to be 'forced' to perform, he will have an erection, ejaculate, and have an orgasm. I just can't get my head around how having an orgasm could be unpleasant, so I'm a little confused about that side. A woman though doesn't really have to do anything but spread her legs to perform, so I can see how having no personal reward could be less 'fair' for her.

[DreamP346]

I know Jen, I also don't understand how somebody could not like sex. But there are plenty of women who do not just sit back and let their partners get their jollies and men who are just not interested in having that orgasm. Additionally, many people feel resentment in having to provide sex when they really don't want to. Of course my mind is saying "how can you not want to do something so simple to make your partner happy," but then, I've never been on that side of the equation.

I feel the biggest problems arise when the relationship doesn't start out like that. The sexless relationship creeps up slowly and by that time, both partners have invested too much in the relationship to just walk away. Other times, one partner starts to want more than the vanilla sex.

So when one partner's sexual desire decreases over time, are they obligated to continue the sexual relationship as it originally was, even if it means having sex when they don't want to? Or the partner who is getting more adventurous and the Friday night missionary position isn't cutting it anymore not allowed to demand more since he/she never said that they would want anything more early in the relationship?

Then the original question remains, does the partner not getting enough sex be so desperate for physical intimacy, accept sex from a partner who is only doing it out of obligation? Most people will say they don't want sex from a person who is not equally into it, but that doesn't mean they won't accept it.

[jen1447]

I feel the biggest problems arise when the relationship doesn't start out like that. The sexless relationship creeps up slowly and by that time, both partners have invested too much in the relationship to just walk away. Other times, one partner starts to want more than the vanilla sex.

That's a really good point. Everybody's different of course, but I think if that happened to me, absent the existence of kids, I would still either fix the problem or end the relationship. My partner could be Mr. Wonderful in every other way, but if they weren't getting me off enough I just wouldn't be happy and I would end it. I won't live that way. So in other words, I think "invested too much" would only mean kids for me.

So when one partner's sexual desire decreases over time, are they obligated to continue the sexual relationship as it originally was, even if it means having sex when they don't want to? Or the partner who is getting more adventurous and the Friday night missionary position isn't cutting it anymore not allowed to demand more since he/she never said that they would want anything more early in the relationship?

I guess I don't have answers for those questions, but I do think having things get to that point can be avoided by that old relationship staple - communication. I'd like to think that I ever sensed even a hint of things going that direction, I'd address it immediately before it became a bigger problem. I know things don't always work that neatly though.

Then the original question remains, does the partner not getting enough sex be so desperate for physical intimacy, accept sex from a partner who is only doing it out of obligation? Most people will say they don't want sex from a person who is not equally into it, but that doesn't mean they won't accept it.

I wouldn't want sex from an unwilling partner, period. I honestly think that if I got stuck in a situation like that and couldn't get out (kids, etc.), and tried everything else to fix the desire problem (counseling, etc.) to no avail, I'd just be very frank and tell my partner that I'll be going outside the relationship for sex. (This is assuming for the sake of discussion a monogamous relationship to begin with, unlike my current RL situation.)

[Stillness]

I think it has to do with the relationship and your commitment to it. Kids are one concern. But a lot of people (e.g. me) take vows very seriously too. There are also financial, religious, and cultural considerations.

Then there are practical ones. Let's say you marry and the sex doesn't meet up to your expectations for whatever reason. Your desire is to have enjoyable, monogamous intimacy. You could go outside, but that would not be monogamous or necessarily intimate. You could leave them, but who's to say you wouldn't run into the same or similar problems with the next mate? Then you be out of the frying pan and into the fire, and a disloyal quitter and a liar on top of that. The third option is to hold on to what you have, try to work it out, be patient, and hold out hope that things will turn around. If both mates are trying I think they do eventually.

I don't see how that means anything other than both people compromising. So you just don't get it exactly how you want it if you're the nympho and you've got to take care of your mate if you're frigid.

[atskitty2]

My circumstance is a little odd I think, but I will tell briefly why I couldn't give it up to my hubby if I had to...

In the later time of my marriage, my hubby developed a problem with hygiene. It may seem petty to some, but it was really a problem that I couldn't get past. I told him gently that i found certain things to be dirty and unacceptable for intimacy, asked him to brush his teeth but he didn't see it as a problem.
He wasn't asking for sex that much anyway but I didn't want him at all.
So, it was an indicator, but I totally missed it.

[JonDoe]

Would the partner with the higher drive really want to have sex with somebody who doesn't want it, who is only doing it to maintain the relationship, who isn't being sexually aroused by their partner?

Yes and no. It can be complicated by various factors. As a married man living in the confines of a monogamous relationship, there is only one women that I am permitted to be intimate with, and I crave intimacy. She enjoys sex very much, but she usually doesn't want it more than twice a month, if that, and can easily go without for 3 months or longer. She also uses sex as both a reward and punishment. Occasionally, it will seem genuine, and we both enjoy it very much; however, I am almost always responsible for bringing us both to orgasm.

She has wonderful orgasms, which in her words can be "an out of body experience!". I am very happy to bring her to orgasm orally, with fingers, a vibrator and/or via intercourse, but she could NOT care less about bringing me to orgasm. Oh don't get me wrong, she says she wants me to ejaculate if I haven't during the last few sessions, but for her that should never involve anything more then intercourse, with her eyes closed and her holding on to the sheets. In nearly 25 years together, she has only brought me to orgasm orally twice and manually three times. I guess on the bright side, all but one of those happened this year, which is an improvement.

She refused to receive oral for the first 12 years of our relationship, since then she loves it and wants it most of the time when we have sex. She was ****ed the first time I bought a simple vibrator, but last year she said she would like to have a vibrator. Then when I bought a vibrator (expensive, very female friendly Lelo) she was ****ed again. Eventually, she decided to let me try it on her, but didn't really like it at first. Now she loves it. However, she still doesn't like kissing, hugging, cuddling or spooning.

I have never been a fan of pity sex or charity sex, not be be confused with make-up sex. Early in our marriage, I would take it whenever I could get it, but now I turn down her less than half-hearted offers of sex. For example, she recently said the following verbatim "If you want to have sex I'll go get a wax; otherwise, I'll just go read my book." She said this with about as much passion as if she was reading the back of cereal box, and there were absolutely no other advances or hints leading up to this moment.

She had plenty of casual sex partners before marriage, which usually involved partying, and a few serious relationships as well. However, once we moved in together and the partying slowly decreased to focus on careers, the sex started to decrease as well. Whenever I attempted to share my feelings with her, she would be dismissive, then argumentative and eventually cry, making me feel even worse.

Divorce has never seemed like a viable option for me thus far. I have two children and take my vows seriously. I witnessed what divorce did to my younger siblings who are much younger than me, and I don't want that for my children. So I am trying my best to retain my sanity for two more years until they are both off to college.

Sex was a problem before we had kids, but it pales in comparison to the last 10+ years.

Long-term rejection and neglect is emotional abuse, and can be emasculating to men. I don't wish that on anyone.