[JonDoe]

For the record, I could see a fair amount of wiggle room for the sides to come together, like if I wanted sex 10 times a week but my partner could only provide nine, okay I can live with that. But if they can only provide nine times a month, that's different. I can't live with that.

I would be very happy to have sex nine times a month. I went through a period where we had sex a total of twenty times in five years. Most other years of our marriage we had sex about twenty times per year, except when she was pregnant with each child, then I went without any form of sexual intimacy for an entire year.

There's also a difference between the sexes here I think ....I assume that for a man to be 'forced' to perform, he will have an erection, ejaculate, and have an orgasm. I just can't get my head around how having an orgasm could be unpleasant, so I'm a little confused about that side. A woman though doesn't really have to do anything but spread her legs to perform, so I can see how having no personal reward could be less 'fair' for her.

You assume their is no personal reward for her. I bring my wife to orgasm nearly every time we are intimate. Most of the time she has two, three or even four orgasms (one or two from oral/manual foreplay, and one or two from intercourse). The only times she doesn't have an orgasm is when she doesn't allow herself to be in the moment.

I am aware that for many women this is not the case, which I agree is not fair for them to be expected to routinely perform with no personal reward, provided the reason is because their partner is a selfish and inattentive lover. However, is she is has never had an orgasm and yet is unwilling to work at it with her partner, then I have no sympathy.

If I lost my ability to have an erection, I would still want to please my wife sexually because it is very gratifying for me to please her this way.

[JonDoe]

Nothing is funnier than real life. She seemed to be just as confused as I was about it too.

Are your certain the look on her face is confusion based on her own response? I suspect the confusion could come from you accepting her lame excuse. She may be baffled that you bought such a bogus excuse. After all, I assume you are not together 24/7, if so then by her own admission she must be horny when either of you leaves for work. If she is a stay at home mother/wife, then perhaps she is having happy time while you are away, which could explain her comment. If so put the sex toys under lock and key.

[DreamP346]

No offense, but some of these posts from you guys are hilarious. "I get turned on by seeing you work," spooning with dogs, "I get hot when you're not there," etc. I'm not laughing at you, just trying to offer some comfort.

Since the guys shared some funny stories, thought I should share some from the women's side as well. My hubby fell asleep while I was nibbling on his ear (no we weren't in bed or lying down). When I straddled my hubby wearing a bathrobe that was strategically falling off, he leaned over to watch TV (no, he wasn't watching the ball game, just surfing the TV channels). This is from the man who says he is very attracted to me.

[JonDoe]

Since the guys shared some funny stories, thought I should share some from the women's side as well. My hubby fell asleep while I was nibbling on his ear (no we weren't in bed or lying down). When I straddled my hubby wearing a bathrobe that was strategically falling off, he leaned over to watch TV (no, he wasn't watching the ball game, just surfing the TV channels). This is from the man who says he is very attracted to me.

Was he playing hard to get? Maybe he is turned on to see you work for it.

If my wife was "straddling me wearing nothing but a bathrobe that was strategically falling off", I could be watching the frickin SuperBowl and would quickly hit the DVR record button and turn off the TV (assuming this wasn't her ploy to watch Grey's Anatomy or Desperate Housewives).

[JonDoe]

My wife has everything she needs and wants so it's not easy to find the perfect gift, but I just figured out what gift to give her for XMAS. I'm going to give her a "No sex holiday" coupon or a "One month free of sex" coupon. This has at least three benefits: 1) She doesn't have to feel guilty for not meeting my low expectations, 2) I am not frustrated by having my low expectations unmeet, 3) I don't have to visit the mall, search for parking, fight crowds, stand in long lines, listen to spoiled brats whine, guess what gift she might like or waste any money. This might be better than Amazon!

[Stillness]

This is from the man who says he is very attracted to me.

I believe your husband finds you attractive. I think that there's a disconnect between finding someone sexually attractive and wanting to have sex with them for some people.

The thing I was wondering, sp, is whether or not you had these issues before the disagreements about birth control that you mentioned before. The reason I ask is because the last couple of times my wife and I were intimate, she was the one who initiated. In a bizarre twist I found myself reluctant even though I'm horny 24/7.

I know that part of it is exactly what this thread is about - I'm wondering if it's just a duty type of thing, which I don't want. When she says, "we haven't had sex, c'mon" I don't know if it's a complaint or a recognition that we're not doing something we both know we should be doing. Either way is an improvement, but I would obviously prefer her to want me.

The other part is a stupid bitterness I'm trying to shake over the struggles we've had and continue to have. It's all causing me not to even want sex when she's trying. I'm wondering if some of that is what your man is dealing with.

[DreamP346]

I believe your husband finds you attractive. I think that there's a disconnect between finding someone sexually attractive and wanting to have sex with them for some people.

The thing I was wondering, sp, is whether or not you had these issues before the disagreements about birth control that you mentioned before.

Nope, it started before. After the first year of dating, I noticed it was declining to once a week. That's when I started to be more aggressive and things went to 2-3 times a week. We both seemed happy with that. He never refused me. It really started when I got pregnant. During the pregnancy I figured he had a difficult time having sex in the "presence" of a baby. Then I thought it was the fact the baby was always around. Then I thought it was because I put on weight during the pregnancy and didn't take care of myself physically. I even lost weight, changed my wardrobe, started wearing makeup, read books on sexual technique, etc. I was always making all the effort and always finding excuses for his not wanting it.

After going through so much self blaming, I have decided it's not me but him. We have tried to talk about this and the only thing left to do is go to therapy. But I don't want to MAKE him have sex with me. I don't want to be with somebody who isn't turned-on by me. I don't want sex to be negotiated with somebody who not only doesn't want it for themselves, but also doesn't want it for me. It's a bitter reality to face, but I would rather be honest with myself than constantly trying to find fault with myself and how I can change that. I cannot change a man who doesn't want to change. That is why I don't want to do therapy. I don't want him to give me sex to save our relationship. That just feels so pathetic.

[jen1447]

Not to steal the thunder from the guys here, but I think what sp describes above can amount to things being even worse for women just due to the simple fact that it's generally easier for us to find willing partners than for men. So while you're suffering through periods of inactivity, you're probably thinking "god dang [CENSOR] it, I could be getting it from a dozen other guys right now if I wanted to," which only adds to the frustration. (I've experienced this to a mild degree when things just don't work out logistically and I'm horny.) I think it takes a lot more effort for guys to get laid.

btw, is this turning into a 'how often do you have sex' thread? I thought there already was one of those.

[Stillness]

At first, I was thinking it would be harder too when I started reading the threads here. Not because of availability, but because of the stereotype that men are the ones with the high libidos. A woman might be confused and thinking that she's the problem because men are supposed to want sex.

Now I think it doesn't matter what society's views are or how many other people you could have sex with. When you love someone and commit to them, but they don't want you the same way you want them it feels bad. Period. If you read the countless threads about this issue you could remove the gender descriptors and almost not know who was who. JonDoe is not wearing a negligee and straddling his wife (or at least he's not sharing that - and that his prerogative), but his experience and feelings are very similar to sp346's. What she goes through lines up with my relationship in many places. Confusion, self-doubt, having that feeling of hopefulness after a night of lovemaking only to be crushed by long frustrating, periods of lack - it's universal. I don't wish it on anyone.

[DreamP346]

See for me, I can deal better with the not wanting sex as much as I do. It's the not wanting to change that hurts the most. I don't understand how a person can love somebody and not want to change something that is hurting the person they love. Or try to compromise. Or do something to make the other person happy. That is what I don't understand.