[sheepmama]

I am a 38 yr old woman and I was molested as a child and raped when I was 8 yrs old, and its really hard for me to trust men. I trigger very easily when in the company of men and I am going to therapy for it. I am not sexually attracted to women so its hard for me, I do have sexual feelings but I don't have an outlet for them. I would like someday to have a male companion but I'm unsure of what even to do. I've never willingly had sex with a man. I don't know if that means I'm a virgin and I worry about that too.

How would I even tell someone what happened to me, would they be repulsed? I feel like a very ugly hideous person because my stepfather told me when he hurt me that he was doing me a favor because I was so ugly no man would want to be with me. I feel completely unloveable.

I had uterine cancer when I was 31, and had to have a complete hysterectomy. I didn't know it but because I wasn't having sex, my vagina and opening have shrunk down very small. I can barely put a finger inside. So even if I did find "Mr Right" and he could get past my appearance, and accept my past, how could I even have sex? Its painful to try to put anything inside me. I tried to stretch it a bit with my fingers and it hurt.

I am afraid to talk to my doctor about it, but I have an appointment monday. I'm just really scared and don't know what to do. =(

[Stillness]

38 is the perfect age! Guess how old I am.

I've actually been in two relationships with women who were sexually assaulted. In one, with my first teenage love, the assault happened while we were together. It was very difficult to deal with and made me murderously angry. I never felt repulsion to the woman I was in love with though.


I'll never forget what my girlfriend told me for the rest of my life. She wanted to have sex and I didn't know how to process it all. I was afraid that it would trigger thoughts of being attacked. She said, "When you touch me, it's with love." There are men that will only ever touch you that way. We don't take from women what's not given willingly. We use our strength for them, not against them.

There are a few men on this forum. Read some of the posts by members like jns, rcoreyus, and JonDoe and see how men relate to the women they love sexually. The cool thing about these boards is that they're anonymous, so you get to read thoughts and actions that people would never share otherwise.

Is the doctor your OB/GYN? They will have heard what you're dealing with before. That's what they're for. You don't have to be shy asking them questions.

Welcome to WH!

[atskitty2]

I'm very sorry that happened to you, and that 30 yrs later you're still suffering.

What the above poster said is true. I hope that someday you can experience that kind of love and that kind of sex.

Your self esteem is destroyed and I hope , in therapy, you're also working to restore that. There are men who will love you for all the great qualities you possess. It isn't easy to see and believe that you have positive attributes, but think about it and you will have a list.

As for the act of sex, I wouldn't worry too much. That can be addressed later, closer to the time you come to actually trying it with a loving partner. There are treatments and things you can do, & once you're in a healthier place, it will be easier to conquer.

[sheepmama]

no my doctor is a general practitioner. I know I have horrible self esteem. I really do try hard to keep my chin up but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. The nightmares never stop and I sleep 3-4 hours a night.

[rcoreyus]

Your doctor will be understanding, don't worry about telling him/her anything. (easy to say I know, but I have trouble talking to doctors too).

It doesn't matter at all what the monster who raped you thought or told you. I cannot think of a single person who's opinion of you is LESS important.

I don't know what you look like, but I expect you are not ugly. Most women are beautiful if they smile. Even if you did happen to be very ugly, there are men out there who would still love you. I have two friends who have been in long term marriages to women that most people would consider unattractive - they have both been married more than 20 years and from all that we can tell love each other and have happy lives together.

Also, the person you love is always beautiful. My wife has a badly scarred breast after a bout with cancer, but I don't see that - I see the woman I love. When I come home an she greets me with a naughty smile, my heart races and she is the most beautiful women in the world to me.

I would certainly never judge a woman badly because she was raped, and I have never met a man who would. I know there are horrible men out there but not many, and if you have the misfortune to run into one, leave and find someone else.

There are some people who care about virginity, but for most (at least in the US and Europe) it is a complete non-issue. In the modern world women are not kept completely away from men until they marry - they tend to have all sorts of sexual experience first. There is no easy way now to draw the line for "virginity" and it just doesn't matter.

Don't worry about the sex act itself. Long before you get to that there will be all other sorts of intimacy. Intercourse is really just one small part of intimacy and lovemaking - many people would be happy to do without that specific thing if the rest is there. But when you do want to do it, you will. Your doctor can help describe exercises to make it more comfortable the first time if you want.

[Justice]

I cannot speak to the molestation - definitely agree with the other posters on that front. I do have anxiety issues though and can relate on that front.

Also I am a virgin and was always very tight. If you look for my first post here a few months ago. I wrote about it. I used to be so tight I could not use a tampon. That got better over time, but I was still very tight. A guy I was attracted to and appealed to me despite my anxieties and I started think about and decided that I was ready to have sex with him. But I was concerned because I was so tight. I had earlier gotten some Dilators (they came in graduated sizes). I kept reading the steamy notes he was sending me and I would masturbate to orgasm and use lubricant and started with the smaller dilators (which were easier to use once I orgasmed) I have a jetted tub and kept going for a while (and a couple times) until I was gently stretching. (I measured the dilators and stopped when I got to the point I wanted to get to (a little less that average male girth). I thought being tight but "doable" would be a benefit

Unfortunately for me, after I was ready, then the guy pulled back and now I am ready without the guy I wanted to go with. But at least I now know that I can be ready when the time does come.

Re the anxiety. I have had anxiety issues as well, and he was the first guy to make me feel so comfortable and ready. So reading the other posters - who are quite supportive - I have to say that I believe that you can get lucky and find the right person who can appreciate you and make you feel appreciated.

[sheepmama]

My doctor appointment had to be rescheduled til Friday because he was busy delivering a baby. I will be seeing his nurse practitioner who is a lady and I will bring it up to her. I'm very shy about talking about such things and I know I can be open with my doctor but its still hard for me. I'm the kind that will make a list of things to talk about, hand it to him and put my head down so I don't have to see him read it! A month ago I opened up to him that I am doing self harm, scratching myself until I bleed, he was understanding and all but it was hard for me. I am glad to have found this forum, which is so open and supportive.

I really do want to find my "soulmate". But how will I be able to if I can't seem to allow myself to let someone close to me? I feel like just a failure.

[atskitty2]

You aren't a failure!

We are here...anonymous and willing to read and provide thoughts and feedback.

Sounds like you've had a rough time but you're taking steps in a positive direction.

[sheepmama]

am trying. Really trying hard.

[Stillness]

One of the things that enriches my life is moments with strangers. It's that pleasant feeling when there's a connection with someone. It could be music, food, a point of view - anything that is common ground.

I recommend you find a "moment" with a man. Not to flirt. Just to practice having a human connection with one. It could be a young man, an old man, an attractive man, an unattractive one, single or married. It doesn't matter.

Make it someplace comfortable and public, like a grocery store. There's nothing more commonly human and easy to connect over than food. It could be as simple as saying, "How are those," about whatever he's looking at. Then after he responds, saying something like, "I've thought about using those when i make X." It's going to be a type of food he's interested in or likes. Automatic connection!

Don't force the conversation. Just a few back and forth sentences is cool. If it doesn't work, keep trying.

At our core, men and women are not very different. One of my college buddies that I talk with regularly that's the same age as you and I is struggling with abuse his mother inflicted on him, some of it sexual. He has trouble connecting with women, and people in general. He keeps trying different things and failing. He's single and would like a family, but just can't seem to get it together. My point is that when you see a man, don't just think of him as a man. Think of him as a fellow human being that has many of the same thoughts, feelings, and desires as you.