[123helpme]

My DH and I are in our twenties. We have a toddler and a baby. DH is a wonderful DH and father. I love him. We have been married for 4 years.

We waited to lose our virginity until the wedding night. We had some really hot make out sessions before marriage, but as soon as we added sex into the mix, our sex life tanked.

Me: I have had sexual partners in the past. Never went all the way, but orgasmed often, loved being intimate, could even orgasm just with nipple stimulation. Sex with DH has never been good, because he doesn't understand foreplay. I love being kissed and touched all over my body, especially the non-obvious places. He kisses my mouth for 1-2 minutes, moves straight to the breasts for 2-3 minutes, tries some clitoral stimulation (he is GOOD, but I'm not warmed up!). Sometimes I can orgasm, but usually not. Then it's straight to penetration. I am never even wet down there. We always use lube, but it's still uncomfortable. I grin and bear it for less than 5 minutes and then we are done.

Him: Great sex drive, orgasms easily, thinks I'm super hot. Gets upset because I can't control my thoughts enough to get myself turned on quickly. He thinks sex is more about the brain than the body. Isn't interested in foreplay. Doesn't understand that there are erogenous zones aside from the mouth, nipples, clitoris, and vagina. He thinks what he does is enough and my brain should do the rest.

Problem: I hate out sex life. I try not to complain about it, because I don't want him to feel bad. I want to be a good wife. I wish we could satisfy eachother, but it's not happening, so I try my best to make sure he gets his needs fulfilled. Luckily, I never really think about sex or get turned on in the day-to-day of things. It feels like I'm so far in a rut that I have zero desire now. I feel like we need to throw out all the bad experience and thoughts, DH needs to do some serious foreplay, we start to come out of the rut, I will regain my sexual desire. He thinks I just need to get my brain right so that his method will be successful.

Any advice??? Thanks!

[jns]

Sex is one of those things that a rank amateur will think he or she is a master of.

You said clitoral stimulation. Is that manually or orally?

It almost sounds like you two need a sex therapist in the bedroom to give him instructions since he doesn't take instructions from you.

Short foreplay is usual in porn movies. Maybe that is where he got his ideas.

[rcoreyus]

It isn't clear from your post - have you told him what you would like, or are you concerned about hurting his feelings. Do you think he doesn't know how to please you, or he doesn't care?

[123helpme]

Yes, I have told him what I would like. He has improved a little (his first step used to be mouth on nipples! which did not work for me). He says he already does foreplay forever (less than 10 minutes doesn't seem like forever to me) and there aren't results (orgasm), so he doesn't see the point in doing more.

I think we are in a vicious cycle. He doesn't spend any time on me, so I don't even bother trying to get turned out. He thinks I will never get turned on, so he refuses to try anything new.

He knows I've had other sexual partners, but he doesn't know details. I just want to yell, "I have experience! I know what I like!" but I don't want to be petty or rude.

[Stillness]

I had two thoughts: 1) Does he listen to you outside the bedroom? Does he value your thoughts and opinions? Is he generally stubborn? It seems like he's dismissive and I'm wondering is it just on this one issue or is he the type that gets something in his head and won't let go no matter what anyone says.

2) You talked about the things that do and do not happen to you and referred to foreplay as something that happens to you. What do you do for him?

I think that the best way to show how you want to feel is on his own body. The main erogenous zones generally work for both genders. One of my most memorable sexual experiences was when my wife kissed and licked my back when we were dating. It blew my mind because I didn't even even know that sensation was possible and probably wouldn't have understood if she told me to kiss her back. I had been in a pretty sexually intense relationship before her and really thought I knew what was going on. She showed me that I did not.

Maybe try a massage. Those always work great.

[a_dub]

Sex is one of those things that a rank amateur will think he or she is a master of.
.

I have never had sex yet I know I could satisfy any woman. Its all about creativity and taking cues. Casanova had sex for the first tune once and he was good at it. Us gifted 'athletes' have an instinctive sense. Watching porn doesn't necessarily guarantee one will aquire those instincts.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think we are in a vicious cycle. He doesn't spend any time on me, so I don't even bother trying to get turned out. He thinks I will never get turned on, so he refuses to try anything new.

He knows I've had other sexual partners, but he doesn't know details. I just want to yell, "I have experience! I know what I like!" but I don't want to be petty or rude.

I am gaining the opinion just from those two sentences that he is one of "those" people that feels that someone else has touched you and so, he can not give you everything you want.

It's like this.

"What if she had better?".

"She's been with others, I can't do it"

It's wrong, very wrong, sheez we should be able to be ourselves, explore if we want to make mistakes so we can learn and at the end of the day when we find that "soul partner" it's totally different and they get ALL..

He doesn't get it, tell him that last line...

Sometimes it's their up-bringing and other times it's mentality ... Or youth.....

Best wishes

[123helpme]

Thanks for all the replies everyone!

Stillness - I think you touched on two great points.

1) My DH is a very smooth know-it-all, in all areas of our relationship. He is patient and kind, but ultimately his mind is made up and cannot be changed. As often as I discuss things with him, and I always keep my cool and am halfway intelligent, I don't think I've ever changed his mind about anything. It's funny that he would think he is an expert on female sexuality. I think his only source of knowledge has been porn. But perhaps he thinks every persons body, male or female, should work just like his? Any ideas on debunking that belief?

2) I don't do a ton of foreplay. I have halfheartedly tried in the past, but he really likes to get to the main event quickly. I have an 8 month old baby, so my sex drive definitely took a hit after birth. Since that time our sexual encounters have always been the same: I stimulate his nipples with hands/mouth, then we more on to his penis, with hands/mouth/intercourse. The whole event lasts less than 5 minutes. It is lame.

Perhaps I just need to invest some time in a few sessions where I really do a lot of foreplay to him. I feel so unmotivated after 4 years of a crappy sex life, but I really don't want it to turn into 40 years!

Also, we talked a little last night. He said I could redirect him in the bedroom (if he's going for my nipples, I could say, "kiss my neck"), but not too many times. In the past I've tried that, but he eventually gets upset and gives up. Any other ideas in this area?

[jen1447]

This sucks, because I assume you are 'stuck' in this relationship due to the babies ....

Hm.

To be frank, this attitude IMO would be something to dismiss him for if not for your mutual interests and investment in the kids. Assuming you don't want a divorce and all its complications, all that leaves is training him, and it sounds like he doesn't train well. (You can redirect him in the bedroom, but "not too many times?" wtf) Anyway hon I kind of fear that he'd have to be broken of his "I am the man" attitude before you could get anywhere. Is he even approachable for an intervention-type thing like that?

[rcoreyus]

Its a really tough situation. Maybe you could one time try spending a lot of time on the sorts of foreplay that HE would like. Most met enjoy sex more after a long buildup as well. There is a chance that he will see the value in it.

other than that thoug, if he doesn't care, I'm not sure what you can do.