[Golfguy]

I have been married five years to my wonderful wife. We have been together six and have a 2 year old son who is our angel.
For the past few years we have been having issues connecting and being intimate. I have a healthy drive, my wife has claimed that she does not. This wouldn't be an issue if it weren't for the fact that latter year I tried to make a move (I always start because she has admittedly stated she won't), and as usual she shot me down.
I then proceeded to take a shower. As I walked back in the room to get some soap I noticed that she had started masturbating. This crushed me. Moments ago she said she was tired and had no drive. I caught her again today as I went up stairs to our room. We haven't had sex in 2 months (not unusual for us now). Last year the longest drought was 4 months. She said no on Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday and Valentines Day. She is also very unaffectionate. She never walks up to me to give a hug, kiss, squeeze my hand or tell me she loves me unless I do it first. I am very affectionate and tell my wife many times a day that I love her and hug and kiss her as I come and go to work.
Our marriage isn't perfect, we do have spats, but they have gotten worse as my anxiety worsens. I try to explain it to her but can't very well I guess. I have asked for us to get help, bought the "His needs, Her needs" book and told her I wanted to read it together. The response is when does she have time to? We both work hard, I am just so confused, hurt and feel unwanted. Any advice?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

There is no short or hard answer honestly here without knowing both people a little more.

For instance. She obviously still does have a drive but is she attracted to you and if not why. What is it that she craves, up against the wall hands held, adventure, lust, sensual not horny, not sex?

Work a holics and you are speaking to one, get tired, tired of the house chores, tired of lack of sleep, tired of their brain not turning of, masturbation turns it off, all be it not for long but it does. Sometimes sex is a chore if there is nothing there that makes it more, sometimes it takes too long, not long enough, nothing in-between, just sex.

I think you are getting the idea of what I am trying to point out to you "both" not you personally.

You have to find that ingredient go back to when you met, mentally. Close your eyes and see it all in front of you, not just the sex component but the lust/ love and sex...

What has gone astray?

[Golfguy]

There were issues after our first year with this. She would be laying in bed and inform me she needed to get off. I would offer to help out but she would refuse it. We later talked about how that made me feel, all she said was she could go the rest of her life without sex and that when she's horny she masturbates. Those words confused and hurt me.

Especially because We used to have a lot of fun, like she couldn't keep her hands off me. We'd be in the shower, have multiple sessions in a day on the weekends and suddenly it just stopped. I travel everyday with work and get home late. She claims that has a lot to so with it, but I can't help the travel...it's how I provide for my family.

I try to reignite old memories by suggest taking a shower together and she'll say she just wants to get clean, I tell her I think shes sexy and ask her to wear some not too crazy lingerie. I ask what her fantasies are but we never really get anywhere.

She orgasms every time we are together, but I have to manually stimulate her. I have offered oral but she isn't comfortable with it.

I try to explain that sex isn't just a physical thing between us but that i feel it is an emotional connection, and without my wife's touch I feel so alone next to her. I am sorry to ramble on Nd get so off topic there are just so many years of repressed feelings coming out right now. We try talking about this but nothing changes.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

There could be a deep routed issue here. At some point in all relationships the lust and hunger eases. I don't think that, that is unusual. Sex becomes less and a lot of work has to be put into the relationship. Women do not realise enough, I don't think, that men have emotions too and without the touch, or to know he is a man, he dwindles away somewhat at which point she also hides.

The less sex you have, the less you need or want but the urge comes and masturbation does it.

It sounds as if she is trying to blame you for your employment but you've clearly pointed out she stated this 1 year after you got together. This makes me feel that she may have felt used a lot within her life before you or something happened and when the lust left, she closed up again.

It's not natural to not be intimate when in love. You can't live within a love less marriage and survive.

The problem is suggesting such a thing, that "did something happen before you to make her dislike men to a degree, to feel used, she will probably have a fit.

I was also thinking more so buying her a pretty dress, taking her out and not asking for anything. Walking past her, kissing her on the fore head and not asking for anything. Just continuing the "love" side with a bit of confusion on her behalf whilst she wonders why you aren't persuing sex from her...

[kira]

I wonder if she doesn't feel you are coming on too strong. You keep saying what you do daily but a lot of women don't want to hear I love you several times a day. It loses meaning. I actually found the highly affectionate, always wanting to talk, always saying I love you guy to be highly annoying. I just wanted sex and to hang out with him for a short time till I found someone else. I occasionally sat on the computer complaining to my now husband about him. He'd insist on showing up earlier than I wanted at my house every weekend so he could spend more time with me. I am an independent person and I don't want a clingy, over affectionate partner who's willing to act as a slave. I want an equal who also enjoys his own space.

[jns]

This subject has been touched on in a number of threads.

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/sex/62793-making-partner-who-has-no.html

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/sex/25170-just-found-out-my-wife.html

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/sex/25935-men-who-prefer-masturbation-sex.html

The last one is exploring the subject of preferring masturbation to sex with the roles reversed.

[jen1447]

That's true ^ men who always want to kiss your butt can be irritating. But I think another dynamic may be at play here, which is simply that if we are not into somebody, honestly it can kinda be that whatever they do irritates us, because we're ....not into them. So that would mean super-accommodating might be irritating, but if he calmed it down and did not try to be that, we might find that irritating too, just because it was him doing it. And I can tell you for a fact that dialing up the smarmyness in response to the feeling of us drifting away does absolutely nothing to help matters. If you feel your woman drifting away, the best thing to do is have some balls and let her drift (as hard as that may be when you're feeling lovey-but-rejected). It might not have the desired effect, but it's a better shot than putting yourself in our faces right when we don't really want to see you.

This all sounds crappy I know, but it is what it is.

[Stillness]

A few things. In my personal experience what jen said is true. A cooler distance from my wife seems to draw her closer to me. It calls for self-control, because I'd like to be snuggled up to her groping her pretty much all day. But trying to force closeness doesn't work.

The other thing is that my wife told me something regarding masturbation that it's still hard for me to wrap my mind around. Throughout our whole relationship, she's resisted me bringing her to orgasm during foreplay. I'd often try to because sex doesn't always get her there. One day we had an honest, in-depth discussion about it and she told me that she can bring herself to orgasm better than I can. That was a bit of a blow to my ego, because I try really hard to please her. But she also told me that nothing makes her feel like my penis. So if she climaxes by any means other than from sex it feels like a waste. So, I've gotten really good at knowing just how far to take things during foreplay.

That doesn't make sense to me because some lame manual stimulation from my wife feels better than the best thing I can do by myself, but the situation may be similar with yours. If your manual stimulation doesn't compare to hers, then when she really wants to feel good, she may be choosing herself. That's pretty selfish, but that may be something to consider.

Mechanically, my thought is whether or not you could get her to the point of climax, then penetrate with your penis and take her the rest of the way? She doesn't have a penis, so you've got that in your favor. It may call for her refraining from masturbating. There are also things another person just can do for themselves well to heighten sexual pleasure besides oral sex, like kissing her back or full body massage.

But the real problem sounds like selfishness. There is not technique to fix that besides communication and a concern for the other person.

I wish you well.

[GillT]

This happened to me a few years after marrying Graham. I just didn't fancy him as much anymore. We spoke about it and he realised he needed to lose a bit of weight and get his confidence back, as I found the confidence sexy. He lost the weight and his self confidence came back so quickly, he went from hassling me for sex to me not being able to keep my hands off him. Maybe you need to do what Jen said, man up a little and she'll start to want you again.

[Lovcookie]

I know of a situation like this and it was a combination of her not being attracted to her husband anymore and she was having an affair with another man. Not saying this is the case but the affair thing is a possibility.