[thecatlady]

Is something wrong with me? I'm 25 and up until recently, I'd only been with 1 guy before. I assumed the sex hurt since I was a virgin and he was a little bigger than average in both length and girth. So, I didn't think much of only enjoying the cuddling/kissing part of it. The second guy, though, was the same in terms of what I enjoyed. He was a little smaller than average, which was actually much more comfortable for me. It wasn't pushing up against my cervix, so it was actually nice and much better than the big one (don't know why people like big ones...).

That being said, truth be told, while it was nice enough, I was a little bored during the actual intercourse and didn't feel all that much. I didn't cum, but I told him I didn't really need or want to....He decided that he wanted me to, though, or at least that he wanted to pleasure me some, so he went down on me a few times. And honestly, again, while it was nice enough, I didn't feel much of anything. Except when he put his tongue directly on my clit -- I don't like anything directly on it, whether it be finger or tongue, so I gently directed him more towards the vaginal opening and said he could rub his fingers lightly over top the area where my clit would be, but don't touch it directly.

And again, all this was nice enough, but honestly, it ranged from him pressing too light and tickling me, to the uncomfortable sensation if he hit my clit, to not much of anything at all, though pleasant enough.

I didn't want to hurt his feelings by saying I didn't really care for it, so I told him I liked it when he asked, but really, I would rather he came up from down there and just cuddled and held me.

He did plenty of that, because he knows I like it, so I'm not complaining about him -- he was great. I'm really just asking about myself -- is there something wrong with me, that my vagina doesn't seem to feel much pleasure from intercourse or oral sex?

I really like cuddling a lot and holding and touching, kissing, etc., and that alone makes me wet and horny. But, I'm fine with just that. When we have sex, I pretend to like it, but really I'm just letting him use my vagina for a time lol so that he can get off, because it does nothing for me and I'd rather just go back to the cuddling....

Is this normal, or am I doing something wrong, or is something wrong with me?

[jns]

The vagina doesn't have a concentration of nerve endings like the clitoris does, so many women don't get much sensation from penetration. You are normal. Some sex positions allow greater stimulation of the clitoris and thus a greater likelihood of orgasm during sex. I think woman on top is one of those that does it for some women.

Do you climax? By climax I mean reach orgasm. If so, how? Is reaching orgasm something you want to do? Do you want him to bring you there?

The fact that he went directly on your clitoris without checking your response to stimulation through the clitoral hood indicates to me that he is probably inexperienced at oral. If he is enthusiastic and is willing to learn, you can probably instruct him on what is needed for a pleasurable time.

If he can learn to use a hand lightly at the same time he is cuddling you with the other one and also kissing you, he can probably make it special for you.

[thecatlady]

Honestly, I don't care at all whether or not I cum. I am pretty sure I have, as sometimes when I look at porn while being in the right frame of mind, I can reach a sort of peak, but it's so hard to get there. Basically, I need everything -- the visual from the scene, the sound from them having sex, the feel of rubbing towards the top of my vulva (definitely not directly on the clit), and the perfect frame of mind. If I lose any of this -- if the video ends too early, or if I start thinking about other things, it doesn't work, no matter how wet or turned on I am.

I haven't yet really been able to get that way during sex because of how self-conscious I am about my body. I am very overweight, and although my current guy tells me he loves my body and I believe him, I can't personally get over it. When he touches my stomach or kisses it, I flinch away pretty hard, kind of involuntarily.

Also, I'm pretty ticklish when someone else is touching me, lol. I can touch the same spots on my body and not feel ticklish at all, but I have a hard time when someone else is touching me :X. It really doesn't help with keeping the right frame of mind.

But yeah...Both of the guys I've been with have gone straight for the clit, and it's just horrible for me. I hate having my clit touched. He actually did try fingering it while we were cuddling and touched my clit and it was so sudden and uncomfortable that I actually grabbed his wrist and pulled it away, lol. I feel so bad because I don't want to offend him cause I know he's trying, but I hate it :X.

I generally tend to just pull his fingers downward so it's closer to the vaginal opening, and that is much safer since he won't hurt me when he's there, but honestly it does next to nothing for me.

I always thought that was weird, that I don't like my clit being touched. Every online article I've read seems to express the opinion that the clit is some magical button for every woman. I always thought maybe I needed to get warmed up more or that something was wrong with mine.

To be honest, it's kind of annoying me that I'm not enjoying it as much as I want to. When I watch porn or read erotic/graphic novels, I get so turned on by the thought of sex. And I want to enjoy it just as much as I picture it in my head. And getting turned on and wet enough is not a problem for me...It's all these issues. Not feeling anything from vaginal stimulation, the ticklishness, the self-consciousness, the discomfort/pain when my clit is touched....I just want to get over everything and have it feel good :P. I thought it was supposed to be easier than this...

As for him not being experienced with oral, he's the first guy to do it to me, so I couldn't say. I will say that the most turned on I was during oral had little to do with his tongue motions lol. It was just that earlier, I involuntarily closed my thighs kind of hard on his head lol (I didn't mean to :X). So he kind of hooked his arms around my thighs to hold them apart. And I kind of pressed against it, testing how it felt. And I was sort of turned on by how strong he is; he's in the best shape of any guy I've been with...Arm muscles that stick out without flexing and a thick slab of muscles over his chest and stomach. So I kept pushing against his arms until I was squeezing my thighs as hard as I could and I still couldn't budge against his arms.

And that turned me on more than anything lol because what turns me on the most about guys is probably how much stronger they are than I am, I guess. I don't know if that's weird or not lol; I have been told by some that it is, when I described it to them as "they are strong enough to hurt me or do what they want to me, but instead they are gentle and do what I tell them to :P".

Anyways, I told him why it turned me on and then he asked if I wanted him to pin my arms down while he did what he wanted to me and I said yes and I liked that, too, because again I tested my "restraints" and pushed as hard as I could upward to see if I could break his grip and I couldn't and I liked it :P.

So, I guess there is that, to get me in the right frame of mind....But, yeah. The other issues are quite distracting :X.

[jns]

A large stomach can be kind of sexy. I'm sure your guy feels the same way. But advertising, TV, movies, etc. tell people that they have to be thin to be sexy. No they don't! Work on becoming comfortable with who you are. The confidence is very sexy. A good personality is also very sexy.

As far as videos, consider looping them. That way they don't end too early. Also, consider various scents that you find sexy and incorporate them in your exploration.

Being highly ticklish and having a highly sensitive clitoris may go together. Your guy should work on not tickling you while still providing light stimulation. Maybe your guy would be better served to not go for your clitoris originally and kind of tease (physically, not verbally) you about when he will go for it. Maybe teasingly brushing the hood at random intervals along with a few short sessions on the hood with a light touch. And never touch the clitoris directly. He should also lube his fingers as they may be a bit rough on sensitive skin.

A lot of women like a guy to be stronger than they are. Do you two have playful wrestling matches from time to time?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

LOVE.

I know this sounds crazy. But sex is sex. You are stating that you want kisses ,cuddles and that gets you wet.

Sex persay large or smaller doesn't do it nor does foreplay because it's sex.

In my opinion you haven't found the right partner that makes you want to be with him sexually because he makes you feel loved, wanted, and I think with trust, you want to explore more because you trust the person you are with and bond beautifully and want him. He teaches you that's it's ok to be intimate and he's skilled not in how to make love but how to make love to YOU.

Sex is sex.

I wonder if you see it as that when you close your eyes and they do their thing

[jen1447]

I think we all like cuddling (even me lol) .....if that's your thing hon you shouldn't be ashamed to ask for it and limit the sex accordingly, tho you have to be prepared for your man to leave if he can't deal. The important part imo is that you have to talk about it with him. You shouldn't have to suffer thru sex you don't want that does nothing for you just for his sake, tho it's kind of admirable that you're willing to. The biggest issue with it tho is that the two of you aren't on the same page. If you don't like sex and you're having it for his sake only, he should know that. It may seem mean on the surface, but really, honesty and transparency are far more important.

The good news I think is that if you promote that, it may help in finding a middle ground - which I do think exists most likely. You've detailed some stuff that works for you, so that should be integrated, and he should get to keep some of what he likes. And you'll have worked it all out together rather than deceiving each other.

[thecatlady]

LOVE.

I know this sounds crazy. But sex is sex. You are stating that you want kisses ,cuddles and that gets you wet.

Sex persay large or smaller doesn't do it nor does foreplay because it's sex.

In my opinion you haven't found the right partner that makes you want to be with him sexually because he makes you feel loved, wanted, and I think with trust, you want to explore more because you trust the person you are with and bond beautifully and want him. He teaches you that's it's ok to be intimate and he's skilled not in how to make love but how to make love to YOU.

Sex is sex.

I wonder if you see it as that when you close your eyes and they do their thing

Hahaha XD. Maybe that's a deeper look into my psychology than I wanted . But, you may be right. I've never had a boyfriend, perse. The first guy I had sex with was someone with whom I'd talked about having a long-distance relationship, and we'd known each other for quite a while before we met up (I met him online)...But, I guess we kind of decided the long-distance thing wasn't going to work, and to be honest, I'm not sure we were all that into each other. After he left, our contact with each other faded and gradually died out.

This second guy I've also met online, although it actually turns out he lives just around the corner from me...It's only a 5 minutes drive :X. We have a sort of friends with benefits thing, I guess. If anything, he's slightly clingier than I am -- he actually wants me to meet his daughter. I've seen his 4 year old daughter when I come in and he looks into her room to check in on her before we go to his room, but I have no desire to meet her, lol. I guess that sounds mean -- I'm not a mean person; I like kids and I'm sure I'd like her, it's just that I don't really want to meet the daughter of the guy I'm having a thing with, you know?

Well, his wife left him 3 1/2 years ago and he's mostly been focusing on his daughter, so I suppose he is looking for a similar thing, since although he wants the sex too, he definitely enjoys the cuddling as well.

Though, I definitely don't ever want it to progress beyond friendship and sex. I don't know about him, though. It's just that I couldn't with him. He's a great guy, very sweet and all, but there are several things....For one, I feel like I can't connect with him intellectually. He's not stupid, perse, but he's definitely a few crayons short of a box :X. I know that sounds mean, and I guess it is, but I just don't feel like we're on the same level. Also, he's 20 years older than I am, lol. I just couldn't do that for a long term relationship, unless it was someone I REALLY connected with, and as stated, I haven't with him. Then, there's the fact that he's got some meth addict wife running around somewhere, since they never actually divorced, and he has a 10 year old son somewhere, I assume with his mother; he's been vague about it. And I'm a 25 year old about to finish school for my PharmD; I'm getting out of here once I'm done, and I don't think he's going anywhere.

My only concern with him really is pregnancy, he really didn't want to wear a condom for some reason the first time and I actually had to put a hand in front of my vagina till he went and got it lol...He wasn't going to say anything, I guess, but I didn't think he put it on, but it was dark so I couldn't see, and he gets ready to put it in and I reach down to check and it wasn't on...So I checked that he put it on right and then I checked it was still on after lol. I'm not on birth control...

Well, now I'm rambling lol :P. But I guess the answer to your post would just be that yeah, it would be great to find love. But, don't other people (who also think it would be great to find love) still manage to find enjoyment in sex, in spite of that?


* Jen: Yeah, I am just having sex for his benefit. If I went over there and we just cuddled with our clothes on, I would be happy. I know he wants more, though, and although he's very sweet and if I didn't want sex he would still want to hang out with me and cuddle, I feel bad denying him something that doesn't cost me much. It's not like it's bad for me; it's just kind of boring, I guess. I can put up with being bored for a bit if it's good for him, though. He knows I enjoy cuddling the best, and I guess as a bonus for him (lol), he knows he doesn't have to make it last long so that I enjoy it.

We messed around for over 2 hours, and the vast majority of that was kissing and cuddling and making out, etc. Only at the very end did he have sex with me, and I didn't really mind. So, it's not a big deal. But, I do think he wishes I enjoyed it more. Well, not much we can do about that if I just don't get anything from it, I guess.

It's not like I'm pretending to be a martyr about it, though, like use my body as you will and I'm laying there hating it lol, it's not like that :P. It's just that he does hours of stuff that I like and then just wants this one thing at the end, and I don't think it's a big deal to give it to him.

*JNS: Yeah, he actually has never been with a thin woman. He says they don't do it for him. He's pretty large breast-obsessed lol and he loves mine, so I guess that works. It's just hard for me to not flinch away when he wants to kiss my stomach. It's like an automatic thing; I don't dislike what he's doing, just it's like he's touching my fat and I freak out or something.

Glad to hear you don't think it's a big deal that I'm into him being stronger than I am lol...A number of people with whom I've discussed it with over the years seem to think it's highly offensive, like I want to be raped or something. That's pretty horrifying, considering I would be super turned on and loving the feeling and doing it with someone that I trust, which is just the opposite of rape....And I've had guys tell me it "creeped" them out that I wanted to be restrained physically during sex. Even my current guy has said he could never hurt me (I told him I wouldn't mind a bit, though I'm not into anything hardcore), but he doesn't mind pinning me down and restraining me that way; I think he likes it too, actually :P.

[rcoreyus]

Nothing at all wrong with enjoying being restrained, as long as he will stop if you ask, then it is in no way rape. If you want you can even go a bit further with that sort of game if you would enjoy it - absolutely no harm as long as you can trust him to stop.

About trust though - did he actually try to trick you into thinking he was wearing a condom when he wasn't?? That's really really serious! I hope I've misunderstood.

As far as getting physical pleasure from sex, I think you need to learn to please yourself before you can tell him what you like.

[thecatlady]

Nothing at all wrong with enjoying being restrained, as long as he will stop if you ask, then it is in no way rape. If you want you can even go a bit further with that sort of game if you would enjoy it - absolutely no harm as long as you can trust him to stop.

About trust though - did he actually try to trick you into thinking he was wearing a condom when he wasn't?? That's really really serious! I hope I've misunderstood.

As far as getting physical pleasure from sex, I think you need to learn to please yourself before you can tell him what you like.

No, he didn't try to trick me -- at least, I don't think so. What happened was he mentioned early on that if I wanted to, he had condoms, I said ok. Later on, he got hard enough and seemed like he was going to, so I asked him if he had the condom and he said yeah and got it, but didn't put it on, and we just made out for a while longer. Then, he seemed like he was going to put it in again, which was why I reached down and felt for it and it wasn't on yet. I'm not sure if he just wasn't going to yet, or if he'd forgotten. Or "forgotten"...The hand in front of my vagina was unnecessary, I'm sure, lol, but I'm a bit paranoid so I wanted to make sure it didn't go in at all since I know it's possible to get pregnant even from just precum, although unlikely.

As for the restraint, yeah, he would definitely let me up the second I told him to do so. In fact, I'm sure if I really started struggling hard against him that he would let me up even if I didn't say anything. I like pushing hard against the restraint, but if I actually seemed panicked like I wanted to get up for real, I have no doubt that he would immediately let me up.

I've heard of some couples taking it a bit further and playing around with begging to be let up and playing that he is pinning her down and having his way with her, but I guess that requires having a safe word. That's not really necessary in this case, because I get enough just from testing my strength against his, and finding it is lacking, lol :P.

[rcoreyus]

Safe words are needed if you want to pretend that he is "forcing" you. If this sort of thing excites you, no reason not to indulge if he is willing.