[thecatlady]

Safe words are needed if you want to pretend+ that he is "forcing" you. If this sort of thing excites you, no reason not to indulge if he is willing.

Funny you should say that lol cause tonight he actually pulled out a pair of handcuffs and asked if I wanted to use them. I'd actually had fantasies like that lol but I kind of chickened out seeing them in person, as I have a phobia of getting stuck in things (I couldn't even play with Chinese finger traps when I was little). I held them and i pressed the safety catch on either side and it worked lol but I still didn't think I could :P. If we ever do use those, though, I'll have to have a safe word.

Now I kind of have a different problem, though :X. We tried doggy style and he couldn't get it in at that angle. He kept telling me to put my head down and arch my hips up but it felt weird and each time it felt like his penis was going towards the wrong hole lol (I do not want anything near my butt) so I would quickly move away so it didn't slip in there...The few times it felt like he got it, he was kind of trying to jam it in there and once I actually said "ouch!" and yanked away when he finally got it in lol so I probably should've stayed still...But yeah, he kept trying for a while but then he was having a hard time doing that and maintaining his erection with the condom on, so in the end we just ended up doing missionary.

[rcoreyus]

Well if you trust him you can try cuffs. (actually soft rope is MUCH better, cuffs can cut off circulation etc). Since he is so much stronger, he can just overpower you if you like.

Not all positions work for all couples maybe doggie just doesn't work well for you. It doesn't do much for us either, but my wife lying flat face done on the bed and me behind works very well - especially for her .

As an aside, does he know that you absolutely don't want anal. Especially if you start playing with restraints or bondage you don't want any misunderstanding about what you "pretend" don't want, and what you "really" don't want. (When people get aroused it is easy for them to misinterpret signs).

[jen1447]

Jen: Yeah, I am just having sex for his benefit. If I went over there and we just cuddled with our clothes on, I would be happy. I know he wants more, though, and although he's very sweet and if I didn't want sex he would still want to hang out with me and cuddle, I feel bad denying him something that doesn't cost me much. It's not like it's bad for me; it's just kind of boring, I guess. I can put up with being bored for a bit if it's good for him, though. He knows I enjoy cuddling the best, and I guess as a bonus for him (lol), he knows he doesn't have to make it last long so that I enjoy it.

We messed around for over 2 hours, and the vast majority of that was kissing and cuddling and making out, etc. Only at the very end did he have sex with me, and I didn't really mind. So, it's not a big deal. But, I do think he wishes I enjoyed it more. Well, not much we can do about that if I just don't get anything from it, I guess.

It's not like I'm pretending to be a martyr about it, though, like use my body as you will and I'm laying there hating it lol, it's not like that :P. It's just that he does hours of stuff that I like and then just wants this one thing at the end, and I don't think it's a big deal to give it to him.

I understand hon, thanks for the explanation. Now we just need to get your enjoyment up so it can be good for both of you. Something to consider if your clit is just too sensitive is that it actually is quite possible for women to orgasm with no manual stimulation at all and only mental elements involved. So for example if your thing is to be restrained and powerless, try feeding that fantasy enough that you get highly aroused without actual clit or vaginal activity (just have your man hold you down etc. for however long it takes lol, maybe feed your experience with a lot of verbal play that encourages the sensation), and with enough concentration (actually it's the opposite of concentration - it's basically abandonment of volition), you might orgasm from that alone. It's worth trying anyway.

[Stillness]

In my opinion you haven't found the right partner that makes you want to be with him sexually because he makes you feel loved, wanted, and I think with trust, you want to explore more because you trust the person you are with and bond beautifully and want him. He teaches you that's it's ok to be intimate and he's skilled not in how to make love but how to make love to YOU.

Yep.

I don't know if this is true in your case, but there's some science behind CW's opinion. Women in committed relationships tend to have better sex. For some women, and even most men, committed sex is better, but for some women sex is an entirely different animal when they're in love and committed. It's like their libido and sexual functioning come alive then and only then. You might be one of them.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's like their libido and sexual functioning come alive then and only then

I think that there is a reason why, there is a "lust" stage, but if dating a person when that lust appears, it's totally different than just lusting after the excitement of non-commitment, rawness, play.. I think that with that, you can get bored, or feel used, or feel trapped. But, if in a lust stage that may head or you are wanting it to head, into a full blown relationship, that lust, makes you ache for the person, want him/her and there is a whole different feeling sexually, there is "sensuality" as well thrown in and combine the two together ..........................

I've done the on-line dating thing. Met some real weirdos The thing is, there are guys who aren't ready but want companionship, there are guys who aren't ready and want to score as many as they can of lonely women, there are guys that are ready but have no idea how to please a woman, love a woman, and won't learn, nor spend money because of baggage, hurt of their past and then there are what's left? Those that are ready, willing and able. That's a small percentage.

I wasn't delving I read things as I read them and honestly hon, I do think that when you finally are with someone you aren't afraid to commit to or should I say, you so want to commit to and visa versa, this thread will be mute.

Be careful with this guy. He didn't want to wear a condom because he wants the freedom of thy penis but at the same time, he doesn't care if you were to get pregnant, why would he? He's bringing up a child as it is, on his own... And, be careful of playing any games you are not really ready to play. Because you can feel wrong, used even if it is a FWB...

[thecatlady]

Yeah, I guess it's possible if I ever find love that maybe my sexual functioning will only come alive then lol :P. But, it would be nice if in the meantime I could still find enjoyment in it. I mean, it's not like he's some random stranger I picked up in a bar and have no idea who he is -- I'd consider him a friend and I know about him and his daughter and his life, his personality, and I think he is a good person. So, it's not like I am just having sex with someone that I don't like just for sex. It's just that I don't love him and I wouldn't ever want a relationship with him beyond fwb, for reasons already detailed.

As far as the condom thing goes, he actually did text me asking if I would consider going on birth control, and I said no because a) weight gain is a very common side effect b) I don't want to increase my risk of blood clot/stroke and c) I had irregular periods for years even into my early 20s and it's only just regulated itself in the past 2 years and I don't want to mess it up by altering my hormones. He said he understood, and this time he put it on without asking. He did say it was harder for him to keep his erection with the condoms on, though.

One thing I was surprised by is I've only known him for a little bit and yet he was out of condoms and he left me with his daughter while he went to the drugstore to get some. So I am just a friend he met online and I'm in his house alone, babysitting (technically, she was asleep the whole time) his kid. I know I am trustworthy and stable and I would never steal anything or hurt anyone, but I'm surprised that he was already at that stage with me. I mean, the drugstore was just down the street, but still.

As far as the feeling used thing, I understand that, but so far it hasn't been a big deal to me. He does want me to leave pretty soon after we're done, but it's not like it's just a quick session with him getting off and leaving -- it takes a while, and he spends a lot of time getting me warmed up enough so that it doesn't hurt (much -- it's still a bit uncomfortable). I think he's pretty good at reading me, too, because when we were done and he just kind of walked out for a while and then came back for a second, I was thinking about how he just rolled over and left when he was done and he must've sensed this lol because he came over and hugged and kissed me and said "sorry; I didn't mean to just jump off you," lol so apparently he noticed. Well, I don't feel like it's fair of me to demand that he cuddle with me after he's done, but it definitely is a little sudden when he's just out of there...

As I've mentioned before, though, if anything, he is the clingy one. We were cuddling and he started going on about how he loved more than just my body -- he told me he loved my personality, and that I had a good heart, and that I was a good person, and then he basically said something that sounded like he was asking me to exclusively **** him. Well, I didn't have any intentions of going around and finding another **** buddy lol, so I just kind of a murmured a non-response that sounded affirmative, but it was a bit much for me.

Oh, and Jen, I actually think you might be on to something with the mental thing lol. I think I do require some minor stimulation still, but I can get pretty close sometimes just mentally, I think. And no, neither of us has ever mentioned anal. I definitely did not like the feel when it started sliding up instead of down, though :X. Also, when he was licking me one of the times, I think he licked it a little and I was like, "I think you're a little too low there," and he didn't respond but he didn't lick it after that lol. I just don't like anything dealing with anal stimulation, at all. I think I have just studied the GI tract and all the bacterial flora that line it in depth far too much to be able to enjoy it...

Hmm...on an unrelated note, I like kissing him for the emotional feel, but his kisses are gross lol. Way too much tongue. It feels slimy. And he smokes, often right before, and I feel like I can taste the tobacco. I didn't want to tell him so I tried kissing him close mouthed so he would get the point, but he just tries putting his tongue in anyways when I don't want it there -.-...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

not like he's some random stranger I picked up in a bar and have no idea who he is -- I'd consider him a friend and I know about him and his daughter and his life, his personality, and I think he is a good person

That's another reason Sex with a friend? Fun, sorta but not like kissing someone who kisses the way you like and the emotions run, so does well everything else. Kisses is the best for play in my opinion... If you were to be random and find some guy totally attractive, be assertive and just go home with him, have wild passionate sex, with kissing, and total lust, you'd do fine I reckon.

That is just raw "horny" sex.

Kissing and feeling emotions if done right is "sensual".

Taking that to the next level of "sexual" combined equals = awesome.

It truly could just be that you are sleeping with a friend. The fact that you mention kissing and emotions in one breathe, suggests that you crave that and there is nothing wrong with that, that is normal.

Most men want exclusivity even in FWB's supposedly no emotions but you are still mine, no one else is allowed to touch you IDK selfish? Maybe.

[thecatlady]

That's another reason Sex with a friend? Fun, sorta but not like kissing someone who kisses the way you like and the emotions run, so does well everything else. Kisses is the best for play in my opinion... If you were to be random and find some guy totally attractive, be assertive and just go home with him, have wild passionate sex, with kissing, and total lust, you'd do fine I reckon.

That is just raw "horny" sex.

Kissing and feeling emotions if done right is "sensual".

Taking that to the next level of "sexual" combined equals = awesome.

It truly could just be that you are sleeping with a friend. The fact that you mention kissing and emotions in one breathe, suggests that you crave that and there is nothing wrong with that, that is normal.

Most men want exclusivity even in FWB's supposedly no emotions but you are still mine, no one else is allowed to touch you IDK selfish? Maybe.

Yeah, it's definitely possible that if I did go to a bar (or somewhere) and do the one night stand thing that I would enjoy it. I'm always afraid of that, though, which is why I like to meet them online first because I want to make sure that they are going to listen to me and do what I want, and that I feel safe with them. I have issues with social anxiety, so talking to someone online first helps with that. With this guy, I first talked to him through emails for a while, then we sent photos, then we skyped with webcam, then we exchanged numbers and I called and talked to him. All of that helped relax me at least a bit, enough to meet him. I still get anxious a bit (it's an involuntary thing for me to get anxious in social situations), but he is very good at relaxing me.

I don't mind the exclusivity thing lol, I guess I didn't realize that was common to ask for though, even in FWB. I mean, it's not like I'm jumping around from bed to bed of each guy I meet online lol..I've only had sex with 2 guys in my life and I'm 25. And I have been flirting with guys online and sending them pictures since before it was legal :X. Although back when I was 16 and I met a 25 year old guy I really liked, I was the one who asked if he wanted to meet lol but he was afraid of getting arrested; he said we'd have to wait till I was 18 even though I told him I wouldn't tell anyone XD. I had a definite intellectual connection with him, maybe even moreso than sexual, but we stopped talking after about a year or so. He also had some weird fixation with his cousin, I mean he was adopted so no blood relation, but I still thought it was weird.

But yeah, rambling again. I have had quite a number of guys I met online that I was extremely horny for and yeah, if I'd met them while at least slightly inebriated, it's possible I may have wanted to hook up with them :P. One guy even wanted us to meet in the park and just do it because no one goes there at night, but I was too scared :X.

Oh, and this is going to sound really bad, but I think a lot of guys actually either don't mind, like, or even (a few) prefer larger women, but many of them don't want their friends to know, I guess. So it would be harder for me to go to a public location and find someone. Whereas online, they are more free to express their preferences...

Also, most of the time, I tend to lean towards older men, because I feel like the fact that I am much younger than they are offsets the weight. I've had plenty of younger men say they would, some even very young (18-21ish), but I don't feel confident enough for that, for the most part. The exception was the guy I lost my virginity to, who was only a year older than I was.

Ah, well :P. I guess I should just take it as it is, keep in mind the risks (pregnancy, emotional), and just stay self-aware...

[thecatlady]

Hey ,

Well, as a kind of update to the whole situation with this guy, I just seem completely unable to enjoy vaginal sex or really any kind of stimulation to my vagina or clit at all. In fact, at this point, I'd prefer he just not touch it at all and we fool around for as long as possible otherwise. I know that's not what he wants, though.

Tonight, he was fingering me for a while and yet again, what I felt ranged from nothing to kind of good to kind of ouch to ow. I am getting fed up with myself for not enjoying what I feel like I should be enjoying, so I found myself faking my enjoyment of it. I didn't fake orgasm or anything like that lol -- I wouldn't be able to do that as I don't know what I'm supposed to do for that really and wouldn't want to...But, I definitely pretended to like it. Unfortunately, this caused him to finger me a lot longer than he normally would cause he thought I was enjoying it. My fault, I know =/.

So I was really really wet after that but then he had me suck on his **** for a little and then just sort of play with it...This took a while and I felt like I dryed out in the process lol, not that I mind sucking his **** but it's kind of like whatever, you know? I felt to make sure I hadn't, and it was just in my head...

But he was harder than usual and it hurt like hell and felt like he was trying to force it in and he got it in at one point and I was like, "It hurts." And he tried to start thrusting but then he was like, "I can't; it's really a turn off for me if it hurts you." I apologized cause I felt bad but like what is wrong with me ? I have literally never heard of this happening before to any of my friends etc.

Sooooo yeah. I really wish I knew what was wrong with me. It's annoying me so much that I can't enjoy it or at least tolerate it. It's either nothing or ouch.

I've told him I would be happy with just cuddling and kissing, but he told me he wouldn't be lol, even though he likes that too.

[shoshannah]

Coming in late here, and a lot to digest.

I would agree with a lot of the advice above. You could be dealing with several issues, including love, trust, body image, and technique, so you need to look at all of them.

First, if you don't enjoy intercourse, then there's no need to apologize for or rationalize or defend that fact--not that that's what you're doing, but it's something you need to be aware of. make sure you're comfortable with what you're doing (or not doing) and with what your choices are. If you don't have that in place, then there isn't a good foundation to build on. If cuddling is all you like and you don't want to go further, then if you feel that you "ought to" or he's pressuring you to, not much good is likely to come of that.

Next, once you're comfortable with your choices, and _you_ freely decide that you want to take things further, there are several elements you should look at. I think the very first thing I would mention is birth control. There is nothing that is a faster sexual turnoff than fearing every single time, even if just unconsciously, that you are going to get pregnant (unless you are wanting/trying to get pregnant, which is another story). That means that either you need to be on reliable birth control or (and here's where the trust issue begins to rear its head) know that he is going to use condoms carefully without you having to talk him into it every time. And this might involve finding a form of birth control that works well for you--again, if you try a brand of pill that makes you feel bloated and nauseous or takes away your libido, then things really haven't improved, so you need to make sure no just that you have reliable birth control, but reliable birth control that workd well for you without bad side effects.

Next, once that's out of the way, there's still the danger of disease. That can be as big a turnoff as pregnancy fears. So either he needs to get tested (and for fairness sake so should you, since he will be more willing to do it if you do, probably) or we're back to him willingly using condoms every time without pressuring you to let hm go without.

Once all that is out of the way, then there's body image. I myself feel that I'm heavier than I ought to be, and in the beginning I worried whether my husband would find me unattractive, and now and then I still do. But the fact is that all that stuff above about brainwashing is right. Different men find different body types attractive no matter what Hollywood says. The thing that convinced me, finally, that I didn't need to worry about my body image with dh was when I realized that every time we were intimate I could _feel_ his excitement--I could see it for myself, watching/feeling him get turned on by being with/next to/inside my body. Every time I have doubts, I remember that.

Then there's just the largewr issue of trust. Do you feel emotionally comfortable with your man? Again, as someone above said, maybe there are women who don't need the emotional closeness and trust as much as others, but a lot of women--maybe most--need to be emotionally very close to their man before the physical closeness works. And sometimes that closeness takes a while to develop. It's just basic biology. A guy wants to have sex with as many women as possible because that's his best reproductive strategy. A woman wants a guy whom she trusts will stay around and be there for her because that's _her_ best reproductive strategy. And that trust can take some time to develop. So work on bonding with and getting to know your man, and don't rush intercourse. My own experience is that I know when I'm ready for intercourse when I feel this deep achy longing (both emotional as well as physical) to have dh enter me, and then I have this wonderful feeling of fullness/relief/excitement when he does. A lot of guys don't wait for the girl to get to this point--they rush too much, which is what it sounds like your man is doing.

Then we get to the purely physical. I usually need to have my clit massaged to get to orgasm--either by him or by me--but it has to be done the right way. It has to be we enough. No sharp fingernails. No mechanical magic button. I have to be excited and ready to have my clit touched--too early and it's just irritating. Probably the best first step is to learn and be able to describe (both to yourself and to him) exactly when and how you want it rubbed. demonstrate to him--show him how you do it to yourself. get him to copy you. During intercourse, don't let him touch you there until you tell him to. it takes time to learn.

Liking the fact that he's stronger than you--there's absolutely nothing wrong with that in the world, as long as (same old theme) you trust him. The safe word thing is a good idea. But if all the conditions are right, and there's love and trust and an emotional connection, it can be incredibly exciting to have a big strong man hold you down and take you, maybe after a wrestling match, but then once he does, as the woman, you're calling the shots by bringing him to orgasm.

So as you can see there are a lot of different things to consider. I guess the last piece of advice I would give is that even as you try to address all the things above, don't worry or get obsessed about not 9yet) enjoying intercourse. Probably the best way to ensure that you don't enjoy it is to worry about whether you ever _will_ enjoy it. Just see to the above things as best you can and then let what ever happens happen.

I hope this helps.