[rcoreyus]

This may be a case where it makes sense to see a professional sex therapist. Find out if it is a physical issue, some sort of psychological issue, or some sort of relationship issue. What you are describing isn't very common so I'm not sure people here can give much good advice.

[Justice]

If you were with a guy that you loved or lusted after I could see being upset or trying to find a solution. But I am a bit confused on why, if you are not in love or lust, why you need to force yourself, do you know what I mean?

If you are not getting anything out of it - except some pain even - I would definitely consider advice like from CW.
Could you body be telling you that it doesn't want to do be having sex with this guy?
I think that it would be kind of common that if you were not totally into it and the guy that the body/mind can keep you from enjoying intercourse.

As to not enjoying though - and even if alone or with someone else - you mentioned not enjoying vaginal or clitoral stimulation (especially direct on the clitoris), what about the gspot or around but not directly on the clitoris (above like on the pubic bone or next to the clit)? (and I would think that in your case you maybe really should be using lube. Sometimes just the feeling of the lube being rubbed on is nice.)

[thecatlady]

Thank you for all the responses. Shannah, I feel comfortable with this guy in the sense that I know he's a good person and that he's not going to intentionally hurt me, and that if I want something to stop and I ask him to, he'll stop it immediately. But do I love him? No, he's just a friend. I wouldn't ever want a relationship with him. The only other guy I've ever had sex with was also a friend (though we'd talked about a relationship and we'd definitely considered it), and I felt much closer to him emotionally. It still hurt. Though, that might've also been a combination of anxiety/his size and just being a virgin...there was quite a bit of blood, so I know that my hymen must've been intact until then, since I haven't had any bleeding in the times I've had sex since then.

I would love to have a guy with whom I felt like you describe, but I think I am just not good enough to ever have a boyfriend. I'm morbidly obese and I eat myself to the point of being sick constantly, every day, and cannot seem to stop myself. I'm extremely lazy, I don't clean much, can't cook, I'm kind of a b----, a procrastinator, don't like work, don't like wearing makeup, doing my hair/nails, or any of the other myriad things women need to do to maintain themselves and I'm plain anyways so little point in that on top of the morbid obesity. I just am panicking because I feel the biological clock ticking and I want to have fun before I am too old and fat to do anything with anyone. At least when I'm 25, some guys will still be into me, but in 10-15+ years from now, who can say? (I am NOT saying guys are not into older women -- I'm saying the guys who want to have sex with morbidly obese women typically favor younger.)

I know that sounds really bad....Like I have said in previous posts, it's not like I am throwing myself at the nearest guy...I am taking my time to get to know these guys before I meet up with them and making sure I can trust them, that they are decent people, etc.

Corey, you might be right, but I doubt I would ever go see a therapist unless I'm actually in a relationship and it's still not working out. It could be what everyone says -- that I won't like it till I actually love the guy I'm having sex with. It's just frustrating because I have friends that actually do the one night stand thing from time to time (or did in college, at least), and they never mentioned any pain etc. except maybe for the very first time. It just hurts and does not feel good for me.

Justice, I haven't ever found my "g-spot". I am a little squeamish even to touch myself, because it hurts to touch my clit, but when I do, I just touch the area over top of it very lightly, never pressing much. It hurts somewhat even to finger myself (maybe I do have a physical problem), so I haven't ever really wanted to search for it. Oh, I will say though that when this guy fingers me, it does hurt at first, but it eases up a bit over time...

[thecatlady]

Oh, and it's not letting me edit anymore, but to add on to my reply to you, Justice, why do I need to force myself? I don't really think of it as forcing myself -- I just want to enjoy sex. For reasons listed above, I do not believe I will ever find love, so I guess if love ends up being what turns me on, I'll never be satisfied. Unless I can manage to lose about 160 lbs. lol. Not happening. I've tried plenty of times, throughout my entire life.

But I mean, aside from that, as mentioned before, plenty of women have one night stands (or cheat, I guess, if you want to compare the being in love to not) or fwb relationships and enjoy the sex....why can't I?

[Stillness]

Everybody is different. Women especially have unique genital wiring. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for everyone else. Contrary to what corey says, I'm pretty sure I have seen a few other women post with similar reports of not being that into sex or feeling much, then falling in love and coming alive. If you were a real "b" you wouldn't care about your weight and love.

Also, plenty of fat people find love, marry, and have good sex. I'm one of them. America especially is full of them.

I wouldn't give up on losing the weight either. I didn't figure out how to do it until I was 36. In the 1.5 years since then I've lost around 30 lbs.

[thecatlady]

Everybody is different. Women especially have unique genital wiring. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for everyone else. Contrary to what corey says, I'm pretty sure I have seen a few other women post with similar reports of not being that into sex or feeling much, then falling in love and coming alive. If you were a real "b" you wouldn't care about your weight and love.

Also, plenty of fat people find love, marry, and have good sex. I'm one of them. America especially is full of them.

I wouldn't give up on losing the weight either. I didn't figure out how to do it until I was 36. In the 1.5 years since then I've lost around 30 lbs.

I believe the average amount of weight someone in America is over their ideal body weight is 28.5, somewhere around there. So let's say about 30 lbs. I have 160 extra lbs. of weight. Yeah, the average fat person in America can find love, but how many morbidly obese women who were that heavy before marriage do? I'm sure there are a handful out there, as there are always exceptions to the rule, but it's pretty much near impossible.

I know exactly how to lose weight...Not only did I major in biology and in the process have to take an advanced course in nutrition, but I'm also going for my pharmacy degree and have taken another course in nutrition, and also in the process learned how to counsel people on losing weight. I even know what works for me, personally...If you added up all the weight I've lost throughout my entire life, it's well over 200 and closer to the 300 side. The problem is, I just don't have the discipline to get down to my goal weight (ever), and I always gain it all back, usually plus some.

Congratulations on your weight loss, though. I do mean that, also lol. I realize in text, after all I've said, that may come across as sarcastic. But I am genuinely happy for the people that manage to lose weight and keep it off. Even a classmate of mine that only needed to lose 11 lbs., it took her a while, but she told me about it since I was also trying to lose weight at the time, and I understood a lot of what she was going through even though she was not very overweight and not even fat. I guess I can be happy because I realize just how difficult it is, even in smaller amounts.

Anyways, for me, it's not really a matter of not being "into" sex...I feel like most of the time, I have a fairly high desire for sex. I'm horny a lot, although I don't touch myself very often...Usually it's enough to just think about it, or find guys online to flirt with, whom I never have any intention of meeting. I occasionally will go through a week or two or even a month without much interest, but it always comes back...

I've pretty much given up all hope of ever finding love, though. Just doesn't seem like I am the kind of person anyone can love. They say you have to love yourself first before you expect anyone else to, right? Well, that is never going to happen.

[Stillness]

Why don't you love yourself?

[thecatlady]

Why would I? I eat and eat and eat constantly every day, I am extremely lazy, I'm a slob and rarely clean my apartment, I'm boring, I'm a procrastinator, I don't like working, can't and don't want to socialize, no wit, no self-discipline or control over anything, can't stick with anything, quit everything I've ever attempted, don't enjoy any activities except playing video games, watching tv, or wasting time on the internet, and even of those 3 activities, I often can't finish what I started -- stop halfway in a video game, don't finish a tv series I like, etc.

I'm just no good, ugly, mean, and I seem unable to change any of it. I try, but I just fail over and over again. I always go back to my old habits. The longest I've managed to change myself for is about a year, and I always go back to what I am. I should mention also have I have no friends at all and I don't like going out and doing social things anyways. I just can't stick to anything. Just a loser, really.

Despite how it sounds, I'm more or less alright now. I get very suicidal several times per year, and I was just back in mid December, but I'm relatively stable right now. Just lazy, that's all =/.