[Frustratedwoman]

Frustratedwoman, I don't know if you are in a relationship, but if you are, how would you feel about your partner seeking sex elsewhere - but remaining in a close relationship with you?

I think one of the issues that makes sex such a difficult problem is the assumption of exclusivity - so that when one partner has minimal interest in sex, the other has to do without.

I am monogamous and I have been in an exclusive relationship for nearly eight years. He knows my feelings on sex and since it isn't traumatic, just not something I would be into on my own, we have an arrangement so he can get the sex he needs from me. He isn't into non-monogamy anyway. If he couldn't get sex from me, he would not be with me. I accept that. If I ever cannot provide it, we have agreed to break up. Open/poly as a bandaid is not very successful, in my opinion, it has to be a philosophy both parties find agreeable and not just done out of fear of losing the relationship. If we were that incompatible, there would be no point in trying to change ourselves just to maintain our relationship.

Many asexuals do have open or poly relationships though. It's as varied as any other orientation in that. Some prefer monogamy, some prefer poly, some are indifferent and go with whatever their partner wants to do. Some can have sex, some cannot. Some can enjoy sex, some cannot. The main difference is lack of attraction and/or desire to sex - so that urge the OP describes "doesn't that make you want to have some playtime in the bedroom?" - nope, nothing ever has made me feel that way. Sex is something I have to actively remind myself about my partner probably desiring if I say or do X thing. It's just not something I find natural to think about or do for me (I am not saying sex is unnatural, I support people having whatever consensual sex they want). And I have NEVER thought "Man, I wish he would make love to me" (or anything like it) when looking at someone, like my friends and family say about actors and such during steamy sex scenes on TV, or trying to pick up one night stands.

Anyway - I don't want to get this thread off topic. I just wanted to put out the minority opinion that : Yes, people really can simply not want sex and it have absolutely nothing to do with the relationship being "bad" for them or them not being satisfied with it. It doesn't mean the person that wants sex has to just accept it and do without something they find important. If that becomes an incompatibility that cannot be handled, then there is no shame at all in admitting you need something a partner cannot give.

So, if the OP is unsatisfied with his sex life, that is certainly something to discuss. But, if his wife has NEVER had much of an interest in partnered sex, there is a pretty good possibility she isn't going to suddenly get interested. Especially if she's already enjoying it physically and still has little interest. There is a possibility of hormone imbalance causing low libido, but her libido seems fine if she's masturbating regularly. From the information given, it seems she just prefers to handle her libido herself most the time. And I know a lot of people who have been like that their whole lives, some of them even 60-70 years old now, who have had batteries of tests trying to figure out why they were like that, with nothing showing up abnormal. Not all of them identify as asexual, since some don't feel it all fits them - which is fine, no one has to use any label they don't feel fits them or don't want to use. Some call themselves "grey sexual" because they enjoy it and maybe even want it occasionally, but just don't care all that much about it and it frustrates most "average" people since it's a different sex drive than the societal norm. Some call themselves "demisexual" since a person that sparks their interest in partnered sex is once in a blue moon and it may or may not spark with someone they fall in love with and even marry. And some just use heterosexual or homosexual or bisexual or pansexual and give their partner an explanation of exactly how they feel about sex before a relationship to avoid any misleading.

[loves_loving]

Thank you all for your responses. It seems that if any of what Frustratedwoman applies to my wife, i am indeed in a difficult position. I guess I am hoping that it is more like what jns had stated. I have no intention of even bringing up the subject of looking outside the marriage for sex to the wife...I still have hope in working this out or at least come to a mutually acceptable agreement.

Although I have introduced many "new" types of play and tried subtly picking her brain to figure out what can be done to boost her excitement, I seem to lack enough tact so she gets embarrassed or uncomfortable and I back down before the fortress doors shut. She may have had some interest in exploring or trying the things i tried to introduce, but I feel the tactless approach may have made it difficult for her to accept and try...maybe fear of seeming like a perv or something. Can anyone give me some ideas on how to approach these things so i can try and re-introduce some of potentially arousing play? i.e. role play, outdoor play (car/park/public building),mutual mast, etc...or any suggestions for play that may appeal to ones who may be trying to "sexually awaken."

Thanks in advance...also, please don't hold back in terms of ideas to try (as long as it doesn't involve bringing in a third party or drugs)

[jns]

From what I have read, Japanese society used to be much different than in the US with the man definitely in charge in a relationship.

Have you ever role-played being the strong, demanding male? If so, how did your wife react to that role-playing?

Have you analyzed what type of porn your wife finds exciting?

[loves_loving]

From what I have read, Japanese society used to be much different than in the US with the man definitely in charge in a relationship.

Have you ever role-played being the strong, demanding male? If so, how did your wife react to that role-playing?

Have you analyzed what type of porn your wife finds exciting?

We actually had a short chat about this and she actually participated in the talk. She likes mildly violent/rough vids that portray "rape-like" play and lesbian porno. Still contemplating whether I should gather up videos matching the criteria and watch them during sex, play out some scenes with her or both....

[rcoreyus]

Its not easy for people to admit that they like rough or rape-play like fantasies / porn, so its possible that this really is significantly appealing to her. Maybe far from being asexual, she is well, kinky.

This can be a bit of a mine field, but my suggestion is to talk with her. Let her know that you are interested in her interests after she said she liked rough vids. Find out what sorts of things she likes as fantasy, and might want to watch in movies, and what things she might want to try in real life (these can be completely different). "Rough" sex covers a huge range - maybe she just wants strong rapid action, or maybe she wants you to tie her up and play-rape her while she struggles to escape and begs for mercy. (if you play any games of this sort, always use a safe-word). Maybe she wants to "rape" you.

Absolutely critical - DO NOT JUDGE. You don't need to do any of the things she expresses interest in, but even if she suggests some fantasies or actions that you consider disturbing, do your best not to act disturbed or shocked - that will just close her up.

Tell her your fantasies, and the things you would be interested in trying.

Then, see what common ground there is. There may be lots of things that one of you really wants, and the other is at least content to do. If you find that you really are not compatible, then that is a different problem.

Another idea is to watch porn together. There are online sites with a huge variety (xhamster for example), find out what things each of you enjoy watching.