[JonDoe]

We don't have an "exercise drive." Forcing yourself to exercise even though you don't like it can benefit your mind and body. Forcing yourself to have sex or being pressured into it can be damaging.

For the sake of discussion, let's put the "being pressured into" aside for a moment, and let's use "taking the initiative" instead of "forcing yourself".

Taking the initiative to exercise, even though you don't feel like it, can benefit your mind and body. Taking the initiative to be physically intimate with your spouse, even though you don't feel like it, can benefit your mind and body.

Or more succinctly...

You might not want to take the time to do it, but you always feel better after you do.

And the corollary....

The more you do it the more you want to do it. The less you do it the less you want to do it.

Physical exercise and physical intimacy have more in common that you may think.

Some people don't get excited about it at all. Others wish they could do it several times in one day.

I have a desire to be physically fit and a desire to please my partner sexually, and I gain enjoyment and pleasure from both in similar and different ways, which motivates me. Some people aren't motivated for either and that is their personal choice. As long as it doesn't affect me, I say to each their own, but when it does affect me then "Lucy, you have some esplainin to do!"

Sometimes you do it for yourself. Sometimes you do it for your loved ones. Sometimes you do it by yourself. Sometimes you do it with your loved ones.

Being pressured into anything is going to cause anxiety and stress. However, being motivated to do so can have a huge impact. Look at people that lose over 100 pounds or much more. Many had little or no motivation to do so before they initiated and set a goal, but once they got going, started seeing results, and received encouragement and support from important people in their lives, the more empowered they felt and the more motivated they became. It can be transformative.

[Stillness]

I think you're sorta preaching to the converted. There can be some physical or emotional issues, though. Repressed abuse, medication, hormonal changes, etc.

I just don't think your statement that low-desire = low-initiative is accurate because it doesn't account for the mental or physical issues that can cause a low libido. It makes it seem as if someone who has a lower sex drive just doesn't want to please their mate. A person could have a sex drive through the roof and still be selfish or have one through the floor and be generous with the lovin'.

[Shawn Forsberg]

I myself suffer from a similar relationship. The thing I have learned from experience and from trying to find an answer on forums such as this, is that you either accept it or move on. If you try to refrain in order to "punish " your partner in the hopes that they will inniate sex, in actuality, they are just enjoying the days that you aren't asking for sex. They don't have to say no and feel bad cuz you aren't asking so it's not "hurting" them it's making it easier on them especially if you decide to hold out!

[JonDoe]

There can be some physical or emotional issues, though. Repressed abuse, medication, hormonal changes, etc.

I just don't think your statement that low-desire = low-initiative is accurate because it doesn't account for the mental or physical issues that can cause a low libido. It makes it seem as if someone who has a lower sex drive just doesn't want to please their mate. A person could have a sex drive through the roof and still be selfish or have one through the floor and be generous with the lovin'.

What I am saying is that just because one partner has a low-desire for sex is not a license to routinely reject the other partner and hide behind the veil of having a low-libido not taking the initiative on behalf of their marriage. Many things in marriage require a compromise to make the marriage a long lasting and healthy relationship.

The analogy to exercise is a fitting one for the reasons that I mentioned in other related posts.

Sure, some low-libido spouses are also dealing with depression, anxiety, medication, repressed fears of past physical or emotional abuse, etc. However, many are not and are still not doing anything about it for the sake of their partner's happiness and the health of the relationship.

Again, low-libido is not a disability. Many low-libido spouses admit that they aren't in the mood to have sex very often, but when they have sex and things get heated up they actually enjoy it. For these people, why continue making excuses instead of taking the initiative? Just do it!

[Stillness]

For these people, why continue making excuses instead of taking the initiative?

Selfishness.

[atskitty2]

Have you told your wife these things jondoe? Have you explained that you don't believe her lack of desire is an excuse, or a legit reason, to withhold sex?
Just curious.

[ItsASecret]

Many low-libido spouses admit that they aren't in the mood to have sex very often, but when they have sex and things get heated up they actually enjoy it. For these people, why continue making excuses instead of taking the initiative? Just do it!

I see an answer that pops up often along with selfishness, sex feels good but it is simply not good enough to seek it out.

I don't like chick flicks, but I make the effort to watch them with my wife because it makes her happy. I can give dozens of similar things that only she likes to do, but I happily join in as a willing and loving partner.

Some people are simply not givers but are takers, they are selfish. They may not even have it cross their mind that "hey he bought me a coffee today how nice I should go buy him a nice steak tonight as a gesture as well" or "look how nice he is by sitting next to me watching this show I will repay that later with _______". Sometimes it just does not click, and it can apply to sex as well. You may do 100 things for her without a single qualm but wait for her to do the same and you may never receive. I believe that has to do again with individual personality. Not everyone with a low libido will have that issue of a total lack of give vs. take. Just like Stillness says a person with a really high drive can also be extremely selfish...it is all individual personalities that come into play.

[JonDoe]

Have you told your wife these things jondoe? Have you explained that you don't believe her lack of desire is an excuse, or a legit reason, to withhold sex? Just curious.

Absolutely! She is well aware of how I feel about it, but she is dismissive of my feelings. We have reached a point that talking about it does more harm than good. Honestly, I can't see this relationship lasting even two more months because I simply can't take it anymore. Time for me to be selfish and find someone new, but it will be hard for me to trust anyone for a while.

[JonDoe]

I should have gotten out many years ago, but I thought I was doing the right thing for the kids. Something finally clicked for me this week, now I can't even stand to look at her anymore.

[jen1447]

Are the kids grown? It could be you did do the right thing by them.

Not being able to stand looking at her worries me a bit Jon ....not saying it's not justified but you might want to separate yourself from the environment for a bit until you get a handle on the loathing in order to move forward. Good luck.