[jns]

In the old days, the husband usually needed libido or religion to have kids. My guess is that some were driven by religion, but more were driven by libido. Mostly the wife had to follow the husband's lead. Of course, many children died in childbirth or childhood and others were not capable of taking care of the parents when they were old or died in adulthood, so that drove the need for large families (along with free farm labor). And yes, infertility was considered a tragedy whether it be male or female. Of course, people who have tried to have children realize it is not a given driven entirely or mostly by numbers. It is driven by seemingly randomness and appropriate thanks should be given when a child comes along.

[JonDoe]

Of course a low libido influences how I feel about the "need" for sex, does a high libido influence that person's "need" for sex? Low libido is very matter of fact, when your sex drive is low you do not think about sex you do not actively try to get sex happening...there is no "need" dwelling inside as it may be in someone with a higher libido.

I understand the point you are trying to make, but I still see it as selfish and lazy when the lower desire partner does not make an effort for the higher desire partner. Sorry, not making a personal attack, but I feel strongly about this topic.

I have absolutely no desire for coffee and would never think about it. However, my wife enjoys coffee very much. Therefore, I will think about it and make an effort, even go out of my way for her, because I know it pleases her, which pleases me. The enjoyment I get is solely from hearing her words of affirmation. Most times she doesn't even bother to thank me, but hearing her say "Yum" after that first sip is enough. So getting up at 5:30am to head to Starbucks so she has a fresh, hot cup of her favorite latte when she wakes up for work at 6am, brings us both joy for very different reasons. I don't do it everyday, but I try to do at least a few acts of kindness like this each week.

My wife enjoys sex very much, as do I. In fact, I actually believe she receives much more physical pleasure from sex than I do (patting myself on the back). However, she never thinks about sex unless she is reading an erotic novel or watching a movie. She knows I enjoy sex too, but unlike me she does not concern herself with my pleasure. I believe this is self-centered and lazy, and has taken a toll on our marriage.

[ItsASecret]

I understand the point you are trying to make, but I still see it as selfish and lazy when the lower desire partner does not make an effort for the higher desire partner. Sorry, not making a personal attack, but I feel strongly about this topic.

My wife enjoys sex very much, as do I. In fact, I actually believe she receives much more physical pleasure from sex than I do (patting myself on the back). However, she never thinks about sex unless she is reading an erotic novel or watching a movie. She knows I enjoy sex too, but unlike me she does not concern herself with my pleasure. I believe this is self-centered and lazy, and has taken a toll on our marriage.

Unfortunately that is who your wife is, her personality per se when it comes to sex. She has that low libido, that lack of desire to get it going but enjoys sex when it does happen. From what I have read in your posts she is not very open to even the slightest of things, even talking about it, so her libido could be more than below the average "low". I do not know. However calling her lazy because she has a low libido and basically wishing she would just change who she is I am not sure helps the situation either. If she did the opposite and called you crazy and out of control because she may perceive your higher interest in sex as crazy then it would not help the situation either. She still enjoys sex which is a big factor, her low desire to seek it out is part of her though and it is likely never going to change. People do not change unless they want to, and they also need to acknowledge that there is something to change. I mean she could try and make that change by seducing you randomly but the issue there is how would you know if she was doing it out of pity or if she was genuine? I definitely do agree that it can take a toll on a marriage though.

[JonDoe]

Unfortunately that is who your wife is, her personality per se when it comes to sex. She has that low libido, that lack of desire to get it going but enjoys sex when it does happen. From what I have read in your posts she is not very open to even the slightest of things, even talking about it, so her libido could be more than below the average "low". I do not know. However calling her lazy because she has a low libido and basically wishing she would just change who she is I am not sure helps the situation either.

The simple fact is that she is only interested in sex when she is already in the mood, which is rarely. She is lazy because she does not take any initiate to improve our relationship when it comes to physical or emotional intimacy. She is selfish because she only concerns herself with her own pleasure. Telling me that she doesn't like to give a BJ simply because it does nothing for her and she lacks the experience is a complete and total cop-out.

Low-libido is a personal preference, not a disability, but for some it is also an excuse. Why do so many people try to make it out to be something more?

I don't like chick flicks, but I make the effort to watch them with my wife because it makes her happy. I can give dozens of similar things that only she likes to do, but I happily join in as a willing and loving partner.

[rcoreyus]

Low libido may be more than a choice. Imagine if your partner suddenly switched genders (gypsy curse or some such), (and assuming you are not Bi). It is the same person, you still love them, but suddenly having sex with them though physically stimulating might not be something you would want. I've always imagined that is what it is like to be low libido - but I don't really know.

[jns]

Low libido may be more than a choice. Imagine if your partner suddenly switched genders (gypsy curse or some such), (and assuming you are not Bi). It is the same person, you still love them, but suddenly having sex with them though physically stimulating might not be something you would want. I've always imagined that is what it is like to be low libido - but I don't really know.

An interesting question arises from this: "Does anybody with a low libido change genders or maybe more accurately goes through sex reassignment surgery?" It would seem like a person with a low libido just wouldn't care enough to go through the whole ordeal.

[JonDoe]

Low libido may be more than a choice. Imagine if your partner suddenly switched genders (gypsy curse or some such), (and assuming you are not Bi). It is the same person, you still love them, but suddenly having sex with them though physically stimulating might not be something you would want. I've always imagined that is what it is like to be low libido - but I don't really know.

Wow, not sure how to respond to that.

I think low-desire stems mostly from a lack of initiative. Many people are this way with exercise; while they enjoy the outcome and may even enjoy the activity once they get started, they will put it off and make excuses to avoid getting started. In this way, sex is like exercise for many people with a low-desire for sex. As the Nike slogan says "Just do it!"

Another reason for some is out-of-sight out-of-mind attitude. They simply do not think about sex very often. One might say it is the responsibility of the high-desire spouse to get the low-desire spouse thinking about physical intimacy, but I think both partners should have a vested interest in the relationship and the needs, wants and desires of their partner.

[Stillness]

I think low-desire stems mostly from a lack of initiative.

I don’t think that’s true. I think it’s physiological.

I've always imagined that is what it is like to be low libido - but I don't really know.

There’s one way to find out. Locate a gypsy. Make her angry...See where this is going?

Update us with the details.

[JonDoe]

I don’t think that’s true. I think it’s physiological.

I'm curious, in what way do you find it different than the exercise analogy that I described?

[Stillness]

We don't have an "exercise drive." Forcing yourself to exercise even though you don't like it can benefit your mind and body. Forcing yourself to have sex or being pressured into it can be damaging.