[JonDoe]

Sexual intimacy is an important part of your marriage. There is a connection only you have with your spouse and it’s amazing when you have it.

The problem is that you’re always initiating sex. After awhile it would be refreshing if your spouse were to pursue you. What would happen in your marriage if this were to happen?

Source: OneExtraordinaryMarriage

I was recently listening to a podcast that focused on initiating sex in marriage. During this podcast, the husband and wife team talked about an unhealthy imbalance in marriage where one spouse is always responsible for initiating sex and the other spouse always decides if the couple will have sex, and the decision is usually no. In this scenario, typically the husband initiates and the wife makes the decision, but as other posters will attest, the roles are sometimes reversed.

Some may believe this is as it should be, after all no one should be forced to have sex, right? And you would be right if this were a discussion about force or coercion. However, when it comes to a happy healthy marriage or long-term relationship, both partners should be invested in each other's happiness and be willing to do things that make both partners happy, which obviously includes others things in addition to physical intimacy. Of course, the decision doesn't always have to be yes, but shouldn't it be yes more often than no?

As a comparison, how would you feel if your partner routinely refused to help with household chores when you asked him for help? Perhaps your partner doesn't offer (initiate) to help, but does he refuse (reject) to help when you initiate doing chores together? In most cases, probably not. I am aware that in my marriage I may not always offer to help with chores as much as my wife would like, but I never refuse to help when she asks, and there are also plenty of times that I simply take care of things that need to be done too.

Then why is it that so many couples suffer from this form of sexual inequality? Is it selfishness, cluelessness, gender role bias, low-libido or something else entirely? Honestly, I wish I knew since I have suffered from this form of sexual inequality for more than twenty years and counting. As others can also attest, this type of routine, long-term rejection can be devastating. It can significantly impacts one's confidence and self-esteem. It is emotional abuse, regardless of the other partner's intentions.

Personally, I don't think low-libido by itself is a sufficient reason for this sexual inequality. If one partner has a low-libido, then perhaps she may not initiate as much as the high-desire spouse, but never initiating is lazy, irresponsible and unacceptable. He may have a low-desire to do household chores, but that is certainly no excuse for him not being involved and committed to the relationship. While I realize that low-desire is real, I also think it is used as an excuse far too often in modern society.

Does your relationship suffer from sexual inequality? Are you in it to win it? What can you do differently starting today to achieve a balance and equality in your marriage? Are you willing to seduce your partner and initiate physical intimacy? For the sake of your relationship, I sure hope so!

[Stillness]

Is it selfishness, cluelessness

Yes. I think so.

I don't think that spouses should tell each other, "no." It's destructive. Sickness, pressing obligations, or some other things may delay when you can come together, but regular rejection erodes the bond.

There is an inequality between my wife and I, but lately she initiates more than I do - or at least as much. Our relationship has improved dramatically. It's more affectionate.

[DreamP346]

I don't know, I'm still trying to figure it out.

In most cases (and I know there are exceptions), sex is not horrible or painful even for somebody who is not interested in sex. So like everything else we do in life, when can't this be an area that we can compromise in. If one partner has no desire, that does't mean they can't provide sex to the other partner. Yes, it requires a little bit of effort, but it's not like you are being tortured. I am a vegetarian, but I cook meat for my husband. Not my favorite thing to do, but it's not torturous. If you love somebody, why don't people make an effort? Why is it when it comes to sex, there's no compromise.

[ItsASecret]

I will admit I am not much of an initiator. The reason is I do naturally have a low-libido so I genuinely do not feel a need to go make it happen frequently, and because I think my SO gets the wrong impression when I do initiate. I say the wrong impression because when I do initiate he gets all excited but he also seems to get a bit disappointed as though he was expecting more to happen. Since I do not initiate that often he gets very excited, as he should, when I do. However if I for example offer to give oral he will be happy but afterwards he will say something like "why didn't you talk dirty?" or "bite your lips and throw your hair around". Now I am a woman of little to say, I am very quite, naturally very reserved, and by no means a "put on a show" type person. This means I am not going to bounce around, talk dirty (big turn off for me), or go "wild" per se...that is just not me. As a result I find that if I initiate he seems to believe that inside of me is some out of control desire when really I simply wanted to give a little oral. I am working on talking to him more about this difference of opinion but it has not been going too well lol, he always ends up saying that I should be lusting all the time and thinking about sex all the time. Simply not the case though.

Maybe this unequal viewpoint/expectation of what will happen if the lower-libido partner initiates sex is what happens in other couples as well.

[rcoreyus]

One issues is that people, especially young women, are so often told that they should never do anything sexual that they don't want to do. This is mostly good advice, but can be taken too far. I think its completely reasonable to do things you don't particularly like for someone you love in a long term relationship, if they are also willing to do things for you (sexual and other).

The mismatched libido question is much trickier. The person with lower libido can do things for their partner, but it is at some level dishonest for them to pretend more interest than they have. No good ideas on this one.

My wife initiates if anything more often than I do these days because she knows that I'm always interested. Our sex is good, but we are still in the situation where I enjoy everything she likes, but there are a variety of things I like that she doesn't enjoy.

[JonDoe]

Since I do not initiate that often he gets very excited, as he should, when I do. However if I for example offer to give oral he will be happy but afterwards he will say something like "why didn't you talk dirty?" or "bite your lips and throw your hair around". Now I am a woman of little to say, I am very quite, naturally very reserved, and by no means a "put on a show" type person. This means I am not going to bounce around, talk dirty (big turn off for me), or go "wild" per se...that is just not me.

That is perfectly understandable. I think it is unfair for him to ask why you didn't do something specific afterwards, unless he requested it during and got no response. I also believe there is a right way and a wrong way to discuss it together. From your description, it appears that perhaps he may be going about it the wrong way.

A woman doesn't have to be wild to give an incredible BJ. She can easily seduce him with her eyes and smile. The slightest hints that she enjoys pleasing her man is incredibly sexy and hot! Genuine enthusiasm and passion go a long way.

[JonDoe]

I will admit I am not much of an initiator. The reason is I do naturally have a low-libido so I genuinely do not feel a need to go make it happen frequently...

Whose needs are you considering, yours, his or both? The words I highlighted above appear to indicate it is your needs (or a lack thereof) that are primarily influencing your decisions and actions.

Shouldn't both partners be equally committed to their partner's needs as well as their own, and mutually agree on a compromise for the relationship to grow and prosper?

For many marriages, it may be a huge step forward for each partner to initiate once per week. Is that asking too much?

[ItsASecret]

I think it is unfair for him to ask why you didn't do something specific afterwards, unless he requested it during and got no response. I also believe there is a right way and a wrong way to discuss it together. From your description, it appears that perhaps he may be going about it the wrong way.

What I believe to be the problem is he uses porn, and hence those "wild out of control" sex responses, as true and real responses and thus thinks I should be doing the same. Could not be farther from the truth though, there is no way I will mimic porn lol. I have never actually asked him if he gets his ideas from porn, I sure hope he doesn't because if he does and truly believes porn is nothing but real and "how women should act" then I have a whole other issue on my hands. I am trying to talk more with him though to let him know that I do things my own way because that is what makes me comfortable.

A woman doesn't have to be wild to give an incredible BJ. She can easily seduce him with her eyes and smile. The slightest hints that she enjoys pleasing her man is incredibly sexy and hot! Genuine enthusiasm and passion go a long way.

The biggest issue I have is that "put on a show" type feeling I get when I do give a BJ. I already have major anxiety with looking at people in the eyes, just cannot do it no matter the situation, he understand though that it is very very hard for me to look in the eyes. When I do look up it is me trying to break that anxiety just for a brief moment, and he does appreciate when I make that effort. But I do try to make it a more comfortable less "show" type scenario for me by talking and smiling and such so that I do not turn it into an awkward display of my anxiety lol. I have gotten a whole lot better since the first time I ever gave oral.

Whose needs are you considering, yours, his or both? The words I highlighted above appear to indicate it is your needs (or a lack thereof) that are primarily influencing your decisions and actions.

Of course a low libido influences how I feel about the "need" for sex, does a high libido influence that person's "need" for sex? Low libido is very matter of fact, when your sex drive is low you do not think about sex you do not actively try to get sex happening...there is no "need" dwelling inside as it may be in someone with a higher libido. That does not mean I do not ever feel a desire for sex, because I do, it is simply not that frequently. That also does not mean I am going to say no to sex every single time. The same thing happens with other individuals with low libido, they may not actually go looking for ways to make it happen hence no inside "need" but they will still have sex and still enjoy sex when it happens.

[jns]

I wonder what is the minimum level of libido necessary for self replacement of humans. Replication is one most basic functions of life. If you consider life all the ways to viruses, it is the only function necessary at that basic level and could be considered first in importance. Humans don't seem to be strongly influenced by pheromones (or other chemical signalling systems) for reproduction like other advanced life forms are. Instead, the need to perform the functions to reproduce seem to be carried by libido. A low libido may be a normal condition in humans (one of a number of conditions such as a hyper libido, etc.), but in some ways I question how natural it is.

[Stillness]

You don't need much of a libido to have a few kids. Fertility is more of an issue. Some women will experience increased libido while they're ovulating. A couple would just have to come together at the right moment a few times to ensure the survival of their lines. Also, sometimes people are having sex for the purpose of making babies.