[jns]

Jones, when did your sex life start to lessen? Does she view sex as nothing special (maybe due to her background)?

[effy2014]

Hi Jones. Welcome to the forum.

As you know, this is a popular topic for both men and women -- mismatched sex drives. in my view, intimacy is critically important for men. It is one of the strongest ways in we connect emotionally with our partners. What troubles me most about your story is that she tells you what she needs you to do for her to be turned on .... you do them .... and then she still does not want to be intimate. That is not loving behavior. People in love want to please their partners. What she does not realize is that the continued lack of sex will eat at you and your commitment to the relationship.

Frankly, I do not believe her excuse. There could be something wrong medically. Sex is also the first thing that suffers when the relationship sours. I suggest that the two of you go to therapy and deal with all of the issues in the marriage. Learn the best methods to communicate about all issues. Most importantly, be assertive. You must be willing to change if she is willing to deal with your issue. Your marriage is at stake.

[Jones 225]

God this all sounds so familiar, I have a high sex drive and like most of the guys on here I want it 24/7. Unfortunately once/twice a month is the norm. I feel like I pester her which puts her off. It's a vicious circle. She tells me what she needs to feel turned on, when I do these things she sees me as wanting sex and sees me as pestering again. We've been together since 06 and married since 2010. It's the norm now. We love each other but I am incredibly frustrated. She used to dress up, swallowed during oral, role played, enjoyed anal etc. it was incredibly exciting. She has had an exciting sexual background before we became an item so I feel kind of cheated as well despite my love for her. But it's all changed now. We have spoken about this many times. She loves me very much and I feel terribly guilty about the way I feel about this but sex is important to me and not to her. I've tried all sorts. Read books on oral sex that I never get to do for her, tried to give her massages which she turns down, suggested tantric sex. I know why she turns it all down; because it means I want sex and so she feels pressured and shuts down. I get depressed and quiet and resentful sometimes. I feel why should I give her the hugs and kisses which she (and I!) enjoys when she rejects the vast majority of my advances. It's a destructive attitude which I always manage to get out of it by thinking positive. This is just an ongoing thing now, the norm. I see no way to change the situation. I'm 35 she is 40. I worry that she seems to be denying HERSELF sex as well as me. We are both young still. What will it be like in ten years.

[Intheshade]

Have you looked into herbs and vitamins that could increase your sex drive?
I know that exercise helps as well.

Here is one that I know works. ** Ginko Biloba- Ginkgo biloba was reported to have a positive effect on all four phases of the sexual response cycle: desire, excitement (lubrication), orgasm, and resolution (afterglow).

[rcoreyus]

Wicccan, was it always like this, or did things change?

[Wiccan]

So sad, a partnership includes everything. Sex is a way a man shows his love. I am dealing with a wife now that doesn't like sex. I try to be adventurous spontaneous and loving.
I kiss her everytime we leave for work.
I send flowers and gifts to her job. I come home and grab her lovingly. But I am told all I care about is sex. I miss kissing her and loving on her.
I am push away and allow once a month if its between 0300 an 0500 in the morning.
I love her and have for 26 years. Now I will be a married lonely guy paying for vacations and a nice home for a wife that wants it all without a mutual sex life.
I keep saying my cold shower keeps me from stranging.
Wiccan

[jns]

He's gotten me off a few times with oral but I feel awkward when he's doing something for me and I'm not doing anything for him.

When I give oral, I prefer that she just take it in instead of getting busy trying to do something for me. That is not to say I haven't had fun at 69 but I don't get much out of a bj. Her being distracted giving the bj just makes it take more time to get her off.

Damie, do you enjoy climaxing?

[dyunysus]

My wife used to take a long time to reach orgasm as well, however a little study of female anatomy and asking her what feels good. Now I can get her there in about 3-5 minutes. Its really technique and making sure she likes what your doing, not every women enjoys oral.

[dyunysus]

I suggest you divorce, if sex was great for you in the beginning and now that he's been away at training you suddenly lost interest, that means you never had any interest to begin with. Perhaps you don't actually like men, but think you should. If looking at your marine husband naked who I am sure is physically fit does nothing to turn you on then your are probably lesbian. You can have feeling for a man, but not love him. True lovers desire each other emotionally and sexually. Divorce and let the man find happiness instead of torturing him.

[Motorguy]

So this has been ongoing ever since we got married...My husband is in the marines and is finishing up his schooling right now. We got married while he was on boot leave back in August of 2013. We used to have sex at least twice a week before he left for bootcamp. I'm not really sure if anything's changed but I just don't want to have sex anymore. I'm never horny like I used to somewhat be, and I haven't masturbated in months. I still love my husband and think he's attractive and all that jazz but thinking about sex just turns me off. I think maybe it's because I've never gotten off from it. Sex feels like nothing to me, like most women (don't lie!) and even if he tries to touch me, it just doesn't feel good. He's gotten me off a few times with oral but I feel awkward when he's doing something for me and I'm not doing anything for him. We've tried 69 but he either gets off before me and then is too tired to continue or gets distracted and I make him stop so I can finish him and get it over with. Sex has really become a chore for me. He asks for it every single day and gets upset and angry when I tell him no. It's even become something to bargain with...if I want to do something and he doesn't, he wants sex out of it because he knows I don't want to have sex and it's honestly the only way he'll get it now.

It's starting to drive a wedge between us and I don't know if I should feel guilty or be upset with him. We're a very young married couple, but we're both willing to work things out when problems come up. It's just I don't know how to fix this one. I've been told by my friends that I shouldn't have to have sex if I don't want it, but at the same time, he's used to having sex multiple times a week and now he maybe gets it a few times a month and I suppose he feels cheated. Actually, he broke down one night and told me every time I reject him, it makes him feel inadequate and like something is wrong with him. And I always tell him I love him and I shouldn't have to prove it through sex but it's not getting through to him. Every time I say no, he thinks it's because I don't love him.

So I don't know what to do. Trust me, I WISH I had a high sex drive. But it's not as easy as just doing it. Every time I give in and just do it, I lay there praying for it to be over as soon as possible. I don't enjoy myself. He tries to get me to enjoy it but I just can't. And it's not as easy as just letting go and relaxing. For me, it's like me telling you to go streak naked through a mall. It's embarassing beyond belief, and afterwords you feel humiliated. Heck, I kiss with my eyes open because closing them feels unnatural and weird. Maybe this whole issue has something to do with my insecurities, but I'm sick of being pestered for sex every single day and then guilt-tripped and feel bad when he's upset with me...

Are we both in the wrong? Is there anything I can do or say to make things better?

Good Day Damie, myself I never been through this with my wife we both have a awesome sex life. But what I see here is you just want to be married but have no sexually feeling or activities towards it at all. Most men need some sexually release and I believe if you don't come around by seeking help with a sex therapist to find out why you have no sexually feeling to have sex with your husband. I am sorry to say he's going to look else where for it. But you are so right do not have sex because your husband guilt's you into it or uses sex for him to do stuff for you that to me is so wrong it's like black mail screw that. Was you planning on having kids later on or kids never will be in the picture of your marriage. I really think you need to get your mind back into your marriage and let your husband know you having these issue. So get him involved to seek help to kick start this marriage that both you will enjoy later on with a healthy sex life in your marriage, if not I see you not staying married much longer. I hope this gave you a view from a man side of this.