[XYZ99]

No, not full sex 3 or 4 times a week. Usually just a good handy. But for me, I easily get my fix just seeing him explode and then melt like butter. Something about doing that for him or to him just does it for me.

[kdc]

. . . Without trust, most women cannot enjoy or even contemplate intimacy. . . .
3. Therapy is a necessity. You need to rebuild the trust and he needs to believe that once the trust issues are resolved, then you will be an active participant in the intimacy. . . .

Very profound. I think this hits the nail on the head.

[atskitty2]

I haven't been able to read every post but I've tried to read all of the OP's. Hope you have an update tomorrow. I'm very concerned and interested in your progress.

I think some of us are beating around the point, trying to say what I'm thinking, so I'm going to try it more bluntly. You don't have a sex issue. You have a marriage and relationship issue, and personal insecurity issues on a deep level. Start fixing what's really wrong here, and the sexual energy will naturally flow-because it sounds like this man loves you and wants you, and I think you want to WANT it to work again
We are here for support and encouragement. We are not pros, and cannot sit with you both and sort out the gory details-which is what needs to happen. This is going to take more than a day or two of soul-searching. You're going to have to change your ways of thinking, being and all you do. Well, mostly. Find a good counselor and commit to going.
He thinks you're a doll. He thinks your sexy. Look at yourself through his eyes and believe it. He is looking at you as a beautiful woman, loving mom and that alone probably is enough to turn him on...

I'm a firm believer that sex is a product of a healthy relationship, not that a healthy relationship is brought about by ample, hot sex . (Generally speaking)

I'm a 41 yr old divorced woman. We also had troubles that effected our sex life. We couldn't work through it.

[jen1447]

Just FYI sassy, just tonight I saw a shapely, curvy, sexy, full-figured 'big' woman who made me hot. I was just like "danm girl, work that package." It's entirely possible for plus sized women to put it together really nicely.

[Motorguy]

I've gone down the route of having two teenagers in the house and try to find some couples time. I've been the route whereby I detested the weight I had put on (this from a person who was 128 and gained the first 15 OR 20 pounds). I'm now up even further from that but I've learned to love my body as it is. I may be overweight but I'm fit. One of the first steps then would be to start getting fit. Next - change your look. It sounds as if you are stuck in mommy mode. Get a new hair style, get some comfortable work out clothing to wear around the house. Every time you catch yourself in the mirror do something active. It all adds up. Start wearing makeup, make yourself into the person you were in the beginning of the relationship. Do something nice for yourself. When you start feeling better it becomes easier and that will spill over into your relationship. Have a date night. Not with sex being the end result but with you getting to know your husband all over again. Figure out what it is you still love and work on that aspect of your marriage.

Purchase some nice frilly sexy nightgowns. You don't have to always be fully undressed when you make love, leaving some items of clothing on can be quire provocative. Keep the lights dimmed low, use candles if you're uncertain of your body. Sometimes more is less in clothing.

Get intimate. As you pass by him sitting on the couch put your hand on his shoulder let it drift down his arm. Do you see him off to work at the door in the morning. I do. I'm up, my hair is brushed, face washed and dressed by the time my husband leaves for work. I see him to the door, and I kiss him goodbye. I don't just do the quick peck on the lip, it is a full on body-to-body, arms around his neck good-bye kiss.

I've been married and with this same man for +30 years and we are still very intimate. Trust me these things will work for you. It will help you get closer to him and in wanting to spend time with him.

Very good advice Caret, I like how you think.

[Captain]

Yes, I'm a guy so let me put that right out there. My sister sent me this link because it is very similar to my previous marriage of 16 years. Here it goes:
Effy and KDC, yes, trust is needed in a relationship and it's needed for sex, I get it, but to use that, trust, as "hitting the nail on the head", is probably the biggest cop out, lie, and misuse of that term anyone could ever, EVER do. I am a 12 year US Air Force veteran. My ex wife now has both of my kids and gets $800 a month in alimony from me all because of that trust term being used like that and because of this very situation being discussed. Let me make this clear. In the 16 years we were married, ALL I ever wanted was my wife. She was beautiful, yes she put on weight after the kids, yes I was critical at first, but I wanted HER and only her. I worked my butt off day and night, 2 jobs usually. I ALWAYS came home to her every single night. I broke my back for her and our 3 kids day in and day out. She never had to work. Slowly, the sex life dwindled to almost nothing, once per month if we were lucky. And even then, it was lights out, and weak at best. I didn't see her body for the previous 9 yrs before we divorced. All sexy playfulness was gone, she'd stay up late at night never even showing a desire to be with or touch me, and yes, it wore on me every day. We argued a lot about sex. Argued to the point that stopped and just shut myself down. I had to. I built up a lot of resentment towards her AND, mistrust. So I went on a trip home one day, 6 hour flight. By sheer chance ran into an old acquaintance from high school, and yes, we ended up having sex. I cheated. I'm the SOB so I'm told. My wife found out, and the tears were on. I regretted it, apologized, explained I only wanted her, etc etc. And it was all true and still is. But she did exactly what effy and KDC did here. From then on, because we, I, pushed to work it out, she said she didn't trust me and that was the big issue with our relationship and inevitably our sex life. I hadn't seen a naked female body for 8 years at that point. Hadn't had good sex for probably 10+. So for me, I had lost all trust in HER. We married and vowed to be with each other and support each other forever, through thick and then. She completely shut me out and wouldn't so much as attempt to even help keep a decent sex life in place. All I wanted was her and I couldn't have her because she wouldn't let me have her. I lost all trust in her, we drifted further apart, and finally she just up and left one day and took our kids. She filed for divorce. And the best part, because I'm the one who cheated, and we live in an alimony state, she gets the kids and most of my paycheck every month. And effy and KDC want to give us some crap about trust!!! Yea, it's a trust issue. It's an issue with wives giving up on husbands. That's the REAL trust issue here. Here's what those husbands are really thinking: "So I can't have my wife, she won't have sex with me, I can't have anyone else, but if I divorce I'll be financially ruined, lose my kids, and if I get caught cheating I'll be the a-hole and still be ruined through divorce. I can't talk to my wife about sex because she turns it into a trust issue and blames me, but I don't trust her to be there for me...." And the circle continues. Trust is a two way street. A wife has to trust her husband that IF she is there for him and he is fulfilled with her, he will in turn be there for HER to meet HER needs as well. Simple as that. So effy and KDC, stop making "trust" a one way street. I'm a victim of that pathetic ploy.

[sassy1]

Here's your update atskitty'. Didn't start off too well last night. I tried the kiss at the door first off but got the obvious cold shoulder. I tried my best not to say anything at all. He's a mechanic so he got in the shower after he ate. I just let it all go and after he had time to get the grease and dirt off, I just got in. He was pretty surprised to say the least and before he could argue I just took matters into my own "hands" so to speak. I just left it at that for last night but something neat happened afterwards. He actually had a conversation with me! And I got a foot rub. Very weird. It's a small win, but I'll take it. I'm pretty happy today. Going to check out a couple of local gyms today. I see the therapy comment and I'll consider that.
That's a terrible story Captain. Yes, when my husband cheated I was hurt and didn't trust him anymore either for a long time. But I guess his strong desire to make it work was what got my trust back. Thanks for sharing your side.

[rcoreyus]

Sassy1 - keep going! The first few times may well be strange for him, because of the sudden change, but when he realizes this isn't a one-time thing I bet he relaxes and things get better fast. If he does ask what is going on, keep it simple: you feel you had drifted into a situation where you weren't being intimate any more and you want to change that. Otherwise jump him every day until he tells you he's too worn out

In my case, during the many years of being rejected, we would still have sex every few months. Each time I would get my hopes up that things had changed, only to have them dashed again. I think it was only when we finally had sex several times in a week that I realized that my wife really did want things to change an that it wasn't another bait and switch. From that point on things were great.

Good Luck!

[DreamP346]

Sassy, I am rooting for you. I think most women in the US have some issues with body esteem. After 2 kids and putting a few pounds on, my breasts look like old socks and they really do point south without a bra. I also have horrible stretch marks. Last year I was at a kink movie festival and a woman did this strip-show. She was wearing this sexy beaded outfit (something like a belly dancer) and she was holding those huge pink feathers. She looked awesome and the whole thing was beautiful. But then I suddenly realized she was not what you could call traditionally slim. I would say a size 14 and she had that belly that hangs over your beltline. But the whole dance and costume and her attitude made her look beautiful and sexy. The next performer was a size 4 young woman who didn't have a single flaw on her body. However, I thought the first woman was a lot sexier and more beautiful. It made me realize, I didn't need to have my size 4 young body back to be sexy and beautiful.

I know it's easier said than done, but you don't need to be skinny to be sexy, hot and beautiful.

[effy2014]

Yes, I'm a guy so let me put that right out there. My sister sent me this link because it is very similar to my previous marriage of 16 years. Here it goes:
Effy and KDC, yes, trust is needed in a relationship and it's needed for sex, I get it, but to use that, trust, as "hitting the nail on the head", is probably the biggest cop out, lie, and misuse of that term anyone could ever, EVER do. I am a 12 year US Air Force veteran. My ex wife now has both of my kids and gets $800 a month in alimony from me all because of that trust term being used like that and because of this very situation being discussed. Let me make this clear. In the 16 years we were married, ALL I ever wanted was my wife. She was beautiful, yes she put on weight after the kids, yes I was critical at first, but I wanted HER and only her. I worked my butt off day and night, 2 jobs usually. I ALWAYS came home to her every single night. I broke my back for her and our 3 kids day in and day out. She never had to work. Slowly, the sex life dwindled to almost nothing, once per month if we were lucky. And even then, it was lights out, and weak at best. I didn't see her body for the previous 9 yrs before we divorced. All sexy playfulness was gone, she'd stay up late at night never even showing a desire to be with or touch me, and yes, it wore on me every day. We argued a lot about sex. Argued to the point that stopped and just shut myself down. I had to. I built up a lot of resentment towards her AND, mistrust. So I went on a trip home one day, 6 hour flight. By sheer chance ran into an old acquaintance from high school, and yes, we ended up having sex. I cheated. I'm the SOB so I'm told. My wife found out, and the tears were on. I regretted it, apologized, explained I only wanted her, etc etc. And it was all true and still is. But she did exactly what effy and KDC did here. From then on, because we, I, pushed to work it out, she said she didn't trust me and that was the big issue with our relationship and inevitably our sex life. I hadn't seen a naked female body for 8 years at that point. Hadn't had good sex for probably 10+. So for me, I had lost all trust in HER. We married and vowed to be with each other and support each other forever, through thick and then. She completely shut me out and wouldn't so much as attempt to even help keep a decent sex life in place. All I wanted was her and I couldn't have her because she wouldn't let me have her. I lost all trust in her, we drifted further apart, and finally she just up and left one day and took our kids. She filed for divorce. And the best part, because I'm the one who cheated, and we live in an alimony state, she gets the kids and most of my paycheck every month. And effy and KDC want to give us some crap about trust!!! Yea, it's a trust issue. It's an issue with wives giving up on husbands. That's the REAL trust issue here. Here's what those husbands are really thinking: "So I can't have my wife, she won't have sex with me, I can't have anyone else, but if I divorce I'll be financially ruined, lose my kids, and if I get caught cheating I'll be the a-hole and still be ruined through divorce. I can't talk to my wife about sex because she turns it into a trust issue and blames me, but I don't trust her to be there for me...." And the circle continues. Trust is a two way street. A wife has to trust her husband that IF she is there for him and he is fulfilled with her, he will in turn be there for HER to meet HER needs as well. Simple as that. So effy and KDC, stop making "trust" a one way street. I'm a victim of that pathetic ploy.

I have great empathy for your situation, but you know nothing of my personal story. Of course trust, like any other issue can be made up. I also believe that trust is a two way street. You clearly did not read my comments fully because I wrote that her partner had to re-build trust AND that he should be assured that with that rebuilding process, that she would be intimate. I fault both of you for allowing the situation to go on for so long without a resolution satisfactory to both of you.

My main recommendation that you also might have missed was to go to couples therapy. You and your wife should have gone to therapy way before 8 years of no sex had passed. I went at the 6 month mark. The therapy did not work and we divorced. I do believe that arguing about sex and intimacy goes nowhere. Communicating about it with a therapist in the room would have enabled you to determine whether the situation was going to change and under what conditions.

I do not judge you for cheating. I have written in many threads that both parties are responsible -- as in your case, cheating was a symptom of a horrible relationship. At that point, the question was whether the relationship could be saved. Again, a time for therapy.

I understand your bitterness with the court system. It was not the cheating that cost you -- in most states, there is no fault divorce. Your ex was entitled to spousal support because she stayed at home with the kids for all of those years.

I wish you the best. Now that you are divorced, I hope you find a more satisfying relationship.