Captain: I’m working on a tight deadline, so pardon me if my response is terse.
Yes, trust IS a two-way street. It has to be earned from both sides.
> My ex wife now has both of my kids and gets $800 a month in alimony from me . . .
Are these not HER children too?
> yes she put on weight after the kids, yes I was critical at first,
I’m thankful my husband has never been critical over my weight. That would be very hurtful.
> but I wanted HER and only her. I worked my butt off day and night, 2 jobs usually. I ALWAYS came home to her every single night. I broke my back for her and our 3 kids day in and day out. She never had to work. >
If she’s been raising three kids, she’s been working--and a lot more than you think she has been working.
We went for a lot longer than any nine years without **any** sex. So, yes, I know a little something about it.
>up a lot of resentment towards her AND, mistrust. So I went on a trip home one day, 6 hour flight. By sheer chance ran into an old acquaintance from high school, and yes, we ended up having sex. I cheated. I'm the SOB so I'm told. My wife found out, and the tears were on. I regretted it, apologized, explained I only wanted her, etc etc. >
This wasn’t the problem, it was a result of the problem. Somewhere along the way, you lost your ability to communicate and, thus, lost your intimacy. Once you cheated, she saw it as a final act of betrayal. It would probably take a lot of work (and possibly a lot of professional counseling) for her to be able to get beyond that, IMO.
> And it was all true and still is. But she did exactly what effy and KDC did here. From then on, because we, I, pushed to work it out, she said she didn't trust me and that was the big issue with our relationship and inevitably our sex life. I hadn't seen a naked female body for 8 years at that point. Hadn't had good sex for probably 10+. So for me, I had lost all trust in HER. <
So what it sounds like you’re saying is you gave up on her because you were basing the foundation of your marriage on sex. (Yes, I know that’s not what you’re meaning, but that’s how you’re coming across.) Women want to feel loved, honored, and cherished. I know it sounds hokey, but we do. We like to be wooed and cuddled and babied even when we aren’t putting out. Believe me, the more attention I get, the more I’m willing to give. I don’t think I’m so different from other women.
I hope you at least tried to get a counselor to work things out. My brother was married for 23 years. He says he and his wife split up because he wasn’t getting sex. I know my brother, and I know his wife. Believe me, it was about sooooooooooo much more than no sex. (I honestly don’t know how she put up with him for so many years.) When she said she wanted to work on their marriage (even after he’d cheated), he wasn’t willing to put forth the effort. So they split. He’s on his second wife now. I hope he figures out how to communicate with women before he screws this one up too.
At any rate, I hope you can move on and find a woman with whom you can be happy. Just remember: To women, talking to us is a form of foreplay. ;-)
Good luck!
Yes, trust IS a two-way street. It has to be earned from both sides.
> My ex wife now has both of my kids and gets $800 a month in alimony from me . . .
Are these not HER children too?
> yes she put on weight after the kids, yes I was critical at first,
I’m thankful my husband has never been critical over my weight. That would be very hurtful.
> but I wanted HER and only her. I worked my butt off day and night, 2 jobs usually. I ALWAYS came home to her every single night. I broke my back for her and our 3 kids day in and day out. She never had to work. >
If she’s been raising three kids, she’s been working--and a lot more than you think she has been working.
We went for a lot longer than any nine years without **any** sex. So, yes, I know a little something about it.
>up a lot of resentment towards her AND, mistrust. So I went on a trip home one day, 6 hour flight. By sheer chance ran into an old acquaintance from high school, and yes, we ended up having sex. I cheated. I'm the SOB so I'm told. My wife found out, and the tears were on. I regretted it, apologized, explained I only wanted her, etc etc. >
This wasn’t the problem, it was a result of the problem. Somewhere along the way, you lost your ability to communicate and, thus, lost your intimacy. Once you cheated, she saw it as a final act of betrayal. It would probably take a lot of work (and possibly a lot of professional counseling) for her to be able to get beyond that, IMO.
> And it was all true and still is. But she did exactly what effy and KDC did here. From then on, because we, I, pushed to work it out, she said she didn't trust me and that was the big issue with our relationship and inevitably our sex life. I hadn't seen a naked female body for 8 years at that point. Hadn't had good sex for probably 10+. So for me, I had lost all trust in HER. <
So what it sounds like you’re saying is you gave up on her because you were basing the foundation of your marriage on sex. (Yes, I know that’s not what you’re meaning, but that’s how you’re coming across.) Women want to feel loved, honored, and cherished. I know it sounds hokey, but we do. We like to be wooed and cuddled and babied even when we aren’t putting out. Believe me, the more attention I get, the more I’m willing to give. I don’t think I’m so different from other women.
I hope you at least tried to get a counselor to work things out. My brother was married for 23 years. He says he and his wife split up because he wasn’t getting sex. I know my brother, and I know his wife. Believe me, it was about sooooooooooo much more than no sex. (I honestly don’t know how she put up with him for so many years.) When she said she wanted to work on their marriage (even after he’d cheated), he wasn’t willing to put forth the effort. So they split. He’s on his second wife now. I hope he figures out how to communicate with women before he screws this one up too.
At any rate, I hope you can move on and find a woman with whom you can be happy. Just remember: To women, talking to us is a form of foreplay. ;-)
Good luck!
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