[valove]

I have been dating a new guy for 2 1/2 months. I am 35 and he's 37. We've gotten close very fast and spending lots of time together. Things are good except one thing. He doesn't want to have sex and when we do (or try) he doesn't get completely turned on. He isn't able to get a full erection or maintain one no matter what we (I) do.This has happened from the very first time we had sex. He doesn't initiate sex. He likes to kiss and cuddle but then stops. I think because he's worried about not being able to perform. I've never had this problem with a man before. Usually, it's the opposite. The whole thing makes me worry that I'm just not doing it for him. I did ask him about it, and he says that he hasn't been in love in so many years that his mind gets in the way. It seems like an excuse. I know he's not cheating. Am I investing in a relationship with someone who isn't turned on by me, prefers porn or could possibly be gay? Please help!

[Patti-here]

Seem's like there's an epidemic of this running around lately, sorry, I'm just kidding.

If he's a 'Porn' watcher, you'll probably never live up to his standards, guys have to understand, we're not all Porn stars.

[valove]

Thanks for the response. I'm not sure about how often he does (or does not) watch porn, but I suspect it. I'm really grasping at anything it could be and that it's not me. He says he loves me, wants to get married and have a baby. I don't want to keep bringing up the topic because if he does have a performance issue that will just make it worse. But it's really effecting me and how I feel about the relationship. Maybe I'm just thinking too much.

[effy2014]

Hi valove. As you will read, this is a recurring theme (more recurring recently) in the sex forum. I suggest you read though the comments made in response to the posts of other women. I hardly think that he is cheating.

That said, you shouldn't have to "think" whether its performance anxiety or whether there are other issues. Communicate with him directly on the issue -- what about his mind gets in the way. There can be any number of issues at play -- emotional (a bad prior relationship, feelings of anxiety, performance issues etc), physical and/or medical. All have solutions if he is willing to work on them. Age is not an issue. Most importantly, you need to explain your feelings in response to the lack of sex and intimacy -- it makes you question whether you turn him on, it makes you feel unattractive etc. If he loves you, he will understand the need to act.

All share one thing in common -- him. He needs to take an active role in the finding the problem and getting to a solution. Heck, it may be as simple as popping a little blue pill. But he needs to show you -- out of love and respect -- that he is present in the relationship and working on it.

[rcoreyus]

It is possible that he is nervous about his "performance" and that makes him avoid sex. If that's the case you might try to find sexual things to do that don't involve penetration. Let him know that you can both have a wonderful time, even if his penis isn't working at the moment.

Its also possible that he just has a very low sex drive. That may be more difficult to solve .

[effy2014]

Thanks for the response. I'm not sure about how often he does (or does not) watch porn, but I suspect it. I'm really grasping at anything it could be and that it's not me. He says he loves me, wants to get married and have a baby. I don't want to keep bringing up the topic because if he does have a performance issue that will just make it worse. But it's really effecting me and how I feel about the relationship. Maybe I'm just thinking too much.

Our posts crossed in the electronic universe and, at the risk of Jen pointing out that I posted back to back, this is a very important issue in any relationship. You are not over thinking it and your emotional response is normal. Not talking about it and not insisting it be dealt with will not save your relationship.

A healthy level of intimacy is necessary to make a relationship work. You will not be happy without sex and a marriage and baby add stressors that will stop an already challenged sex life.

[valove]

effy2014, His response on the performance issues are that he loves me so much and that he hasn't felt that way about anyone in a long time. That he's only felt that way three other times in his whole life. I do believe that. He doesn't like talking about it. He said if we keep talking about it he'll never be able to perform because he'll be so anxious about it. I was sweet about bringing it up and even offered suggestions of things to help. I told him I'm just upset it's me and that it hurts my feelings. Thanks for the second comment. I do feel it's important and that's why I brought it up to him. I didn't want to silently be hurt about it. He really just wants to avoid the topic.

rcoreyus, Yes, that may be it. The same issue happens when I give him oral though. He never gets hard but can come. This has happened from the very first time.

[Motorguy]

Thanks for the response. I'm not sure about how often he does (or does not) watch porn, but I suspect it. I'm really grasping at anything it could be and that it's not me. He says he loves me, wants to get married and have a baby. I don't want to keep bringing up the topic because if he does have a performance issue that will just make it worse. But it's really effecting me and how I feel about the relationship. Maybe I'm just thinking too much.

Well Valove do you suspect he is watching porn is there any reason for you to expect that.I am not saying porn is bad or good it's even better if you sharing it with your GF or wife. But you saying he wants to marry you and have kids but to have kids you need to have sex to have them unless you adopt them.Well Valove there ways to bring up this issue sit him down and let him know is he having issue staying erect of a medical condition. That you will go to the doctor with him maybe he needs help in this department there nothing wrong with that with stress from work and other issue can cause ED. I think you said he's 37 maybe he's having early stage of prostate condition that causing him not to achieve an erection or lose soon after starting to have sex. One other thing does he get up more then once to pee during the night if he does then this is a tail tail sign of a enlarge prostate problem and that can be treated very simple with meds. I hope you both can figure this out it seem you love him that you spending time to ask others of this problem. So good luck on the diagnosing this problem with your BF. By reading your story it's seem it is bothering you about this issue of lack of sex in your relationship.

[jen1447]

There's probably some truth to his mind getting in the way (even if it's maybe not the whole truth). Is he inexperienced? If you run into a guy at that age who still doesn't know his way around a woman's body very well, there's a good chance he'll freeze up, because he'll likely assume that you assume he's experienced at that age and not want to be exposed as an older guy who hasn't been around. And it could well be that he's had negative reinforcement from bad relationships in the past. Rejection is a real confidence killer. And it actually could be something physical too.

A good way to test which it is is to give him exactly what he wants - cuddle and kiss him for a good long healthy time, take it further progressively in steps so that it gets heated (just intensity of kissing and writhing and stuff like that), and if nature takes its course and he's healthy, he will get aroused. Don't make it about that tho, because if he's got issues and he gets the impression that you're gonna reach for his stuff to seal the deal at some point, that could shut him down again.

If you find after a while of that treatment that he's got a throbber going, you're good and just need to focus (over time) on making him know you accept him and don't expect him to 'perform' like a circus act. If he doesn't, well that could mean physical problems or fairly severe mental issues. (I've never seen a mental issue myself that genuine sexual heat in the right context couldn't overcome, fwiw, so I think that's rare. That sort of thing would moreso be a block to "let's get straight to the effing, we're going to eff now, are you ready to eff, what's wrong?" type scenarios.)

Good luck.

[DreamP346]

I'm not a clinician, but not getting completely hard sounds like a medical problem, not a confidence problem. Being able to get partially hard but not completely...He really needs to see a doctor.