[effy2014]

Possibilities include sexual boredom, fetishes (which are often irrational and not subject to traditional self control), a conditioned sense of continual sexual experimentation, etc. It could also be that they don't so much need it as want it, because they're thrill-seekers by nature. (For example, I'll never understand why somebody would want to jump out of an airplane, but they do anyway. They can live without it but they don't want to. It's a highly irrational thrill-seeking behavior imo.)

Permit me to modify the question in reverse because the list doesn't help me understand the underlying feelings. My view of intimacy in a connected relationship is what leads to my conclusions . . . I've never looked at my SO's naked body and thought "oh, that old thing again." Just like you and BF, we experiment all the time together. Boredom is another word for laziness. If I take away the emotions involved, the physical sensation of an orgasm (assuming the same method is used) does not vary much, if at all, between partners. After seeing a very good looking man check out my SO and telling her about it, she said unequivocally that the thought of another man touching her made her sick.

So let me ask it this way -- I am in love and very connected to my SO. We have great intimacy. But tonight I am going to bang the neighbor's wife and her husband is coming over to bang her. What is that feeling and why is it there? What does that accomplish that couldn't have been done within the relationship? How does it make the relationship stronger and how can it not make it weaker?

[kdc]

. . . It's the happily married and connected heterosexual couple I cannot wrap my brain around. . . .

I think the key phrase here is "happily married and connected."

. . . Maybe sex to them is a commodity rather than part of the intimacy of marriage. Maybe its the need for variety or the vanity of being wanted by a gaggle of others. I just don't know.

Apples and oranges. You can't compare your apples to someone else's oranges.

[kira]

I would never get tired of doing things with my husband but he just can't have sex as often as I can. Even with what little meds the doctor gave us 2-3 times a week is it. He wants to have sex and he tries to have sex but his penis does not cooperate. While other things can somewhat replace it those are not sex. That's the main reason we agreed on an open marriage. However I found when going to swinger's clubs and meeting people who knew I just wanted a relationship of sex that I didn't want to do it. I have an issue with one night stand/not knowing the person I'm having sex with. It's not that I want a connection and I can just have sex without feeling anything. Did it between my first long term relationship and meeting my husband. The problem is my view of people is not so great from my teenage years so I have to know someone to trust them enough to have sex. I decided a lower amount of actual sex was better than mystery person sex or trying to put in the effort to get to know someone just so I can have sex with them. If either one of us called up right this minute and said "I want to have sex with x person" then it would be allowed with no issue.

I think it's a mix of confidence in ourselves and our relationship and the ability to view sex as just sex. We don't worry we'll lose the other person if they have sex with someone and we aren't possessive. Of course if you try to harm my husband 10 years of martial arts training is going to come down on your ******* with a shoot first, ask questions later mentality. We are still close emotionally but sex can be just sex or at most the closeness of a friendship. Marriage or no marriage since it is only a piece of paper to me. If we'd never gotten married we'd be in the exact same place.

[effy2014]

However I found when going to swinger's clubs and meeting people who knew I just wanted a relationship of sex that I didn't want to do it. I have an issue with one night stand/not knowing the person I'm having sex with. It's not that I want a connection and I can just have sex without feeling anything. Did it between my first long term relationship and meeting my husband. The problem is my view of people is not so great from my teenage years so I have to know someone to trust them enough to have sex. I decided a lower amount of actual sex was better than mystery person sex or trying to put in the effort to get to know someone just so I can have sex with them.

I feel badly about your situation and this would be one where "third party" sex would make sense. But your post evidences my point. If not for the medical issue, you would not be thinking about random sex. Further, even with your husband's issues, you would rather have a lesser amount of sex than spend the time to have a friendship/trust connection with someone else.

You may be able to view sex as just sex, but in the absence of the medical issue, why would you want to if you have an emotionally committed relationship?

[effy2014]

I think the key phrase here is "happily married and connected."

Yes, it is the key phrase. I clearly understand people having sex with third parties when they are unhappy or not emotionally connected.

and oranges. You can't compare your apples to someone else's oranges.

I am not comparing my relationship to anyone else's relationship. I really am trying to understand the mindset. Is sex just sex, no matter if its with someone you love and are happy with or someone you met a minute ago with a hot body?

[jen1447]

So let me ask it this way -- I am in love and very connected to my SO. We have great intimacy. But tonight I am going to bang the neighbor's wife and her husband is coming over to bang her. What is that feeling and why is it there? What does that accomplish that couldn't have been done within the relationship? How does it make the relationship stronger and how can it not make it weaker?

Unfortunately I'm not a swinger myself so I can't really answer that scenario. I'm only pointing out the possibility that there may be some reason/answer.

[kdc]

. . . Is sex just sex, no matter if its with someone you love and are happy with or someone you met a minute ago with a hot body?

I've been on both sides of the fence, although I've been married a lot more years than I was single. I was pretty well contented with the relationships (several) I had while single. Matter of fact, I was sure married folks had to be bored with one another and was sure I had them beat when it came to my sex life. Didn't realize, until several years into marriage, that a good, solid relationship with the right person is a lot more fulfilling for me. I believe it gives the relationship an added dimension that you can't get with a person who is not totally committed to you. When I was single, I just didn't know what I didn't know. ;-)

[kira]

But even when we were having sex constantly (the ED problem was not always there) if I made friends with some hot guy and he decided he wanted sex then hell yea. Same with my husband except he has no need to get to know the person first. If some girl he's really physically attracted to asks him for sex then I'm getting a phone call. It's just not worth the effort to seek out sex partners now. If it randomly happened without trying then yay for new casual sex buddy when I'm feeling bored or socially isolated. Annoyingly people other than me have actual schedules to their lives and it was such a pain trying to get together with guys I'd been talking to online. I think 50% of them I gave up on ever meeting and quit talking to simply because their schedules were too complicated. I stalked an appealing older guy at the swinger's club but it was always so loud I could hardly talk to him and the only isolated room that they have includes pretty much no furniture with a rule of not wasting time there in case someone else wants to use it.

[effy2014]

But even when we were having sex constantly (the ED problem was not always there) if I made friends with some hot guy and he decided he wanted sex then hell yea. Same with my husband except he has no need to get to know the person first.

Then you are a good one to ask. If you are married and having sex constantly, then why have sex with someone else? Is sex more special with your husband than a random hot male? I am truly interested.

[Euphoric]

When I originally replied, my point was that although I'm married, there are times "intimacy" isn't at the forefront of my agenda. There is a difference between sex and making love. Sometimes it's sex, all about carnal need. Other times, it's about making love, intimacy, quality time connecting.

Effy - I think I read that you are married, if not, sorry. It sounds like your mindset is based on the traditional vows of marriage. To paraphrase: Do you take X, to be you lawfully wedded wife, to have and hold, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, to love and cherish…so long as you both shall live…what God has joined together, let no man put asunder.

In stating "I do", you are essentially entering into a contractual obligation of monogamy. You hold those vows in high regard and that is commendable. My thoughts are as follows: if I didn't think I could remain faithful because I needed a larger playing field, then I'd have never entered into that contract. Yes, there are many people who marry with the understanding that it is considered open. In other words, I don't mind if you have sexual relations with other people so long as at the end of the day, you are coming home to me. That being the case, I would remain in a LTR rather than marry. I say that because people can change their minds, and there can be devastating consequences and repercussions. (Court battles, alienation of affection, irreconcilable differences, etc.)

Then there are exceptional cases that break the mold. For instance, when Christopher Reeves sustained his injuries, his wife was dedicated to taking care of him, and she loved him, but at the same time she had needs.

While it would be hard for me to tell my husband to go find a booty call because I couldn't perform, I think it would be selfish for me to expect him to live the lifestyle of a monk. Yes, the vows say to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, and many people apply those vows to this situation. But I'd rather my husband be able to find sexual fulfillment if I couldn't do that for him. I'd fear he'd grow to resent me for limiting his happiness and needs. There are plenty of people who will disagree, I'm sure. But at the end of the day, if he still loved me and took care of me, how could I not compromise.

Conversely, my husband and I agreed from the very beginning of our marriage, if we fall out of love with each other, let's end it amicably and try to remain friends rather that allowing those seeds of frustration to take root and spout. If I caught him cheating on me, it'd be hell to pay. The reverse is true, as well. We are mature adults and should be able to communicate as such. If he approached me concerning interest in a sideline, and I agree, then I should harbor no ill will, and visa versa. We haven't found the need to look outside of our marriage because we are very open to trying new things, new places, different positions. Sometimes they work and other times we end of laughing because that crazy idea was an epic failure. However, we tried.

Part of the problem I see with some marriages is that things become routine, boring, and taken for granted. We don't continue to tell our spouse how handsome of beautiful we think they are. We become complacent and assume our spouses should know how we feel. I think both men and women want to hear that they are loved and appreciated, thanked for the little things that seemingly go unnoticed. It simply reinforces our appreciation, which tends to strengthen our bond.

I'm not asking for my husband to come home and thank me for cooking a meal, mowing the grass, doing laundry, etc., amongst my writing. But it is discouraging when he comes home and says what did you do today. Well, lets see, I sat on the couch with my feet propped up eating bon bons. We have a HUGE yard, and if he can see that it's been mowed, then there is a problem. I think the intimacy falls apart be when we feel our contributions are overlooked.

If my husbands idea of foreplay was "are yo ready" that'd be a turn off. However, if he's having one of those "I need sex moments" then I'll gladly oblige, because what goes around comes around. It needs to be a two way street. Compromise to accommodate each other, the rest kind of falls in place if you stoke that fire.