[Serahlicious]

I'm 23 years old and I've never had intercourse. The most I've ever done with anyone is have my girlfriend rub me through my underwear, which should have been enough in itself to get me off, but I can't seem to do it! I even tried masturbating in front of her and I couldn't come. I would get so, so close, and so frustrated, but I couldn't do it. I love her so much, she's so sexy and gorgeous and I get so aroused when I'm with her, but when it all comes down to it, I just can't seem to let go and have an orgasm. I don't want her to think that it's somehow her fault, like I'm not really attracted to her or something, and she says she knows and that it's okay, but I don't feel like it is. I want to share this with her so badly. I still consider myself a virgin, and I've been waiting all this time for the right person, and I know without a doubt that she's the one I've been waiting for. I worry that when we actually do have sex, I STILL won't be able to come. Why can't I just orgasm?!

[jns]

Probably because you have put her on such a high pedestal. The key at this point is to relax and let everything go. You may be able to do it by ignoring everything around you and only being into masturbating. After a few successes, gradually bring her into your world. Of course, right at the point of climaxing, you need to tighten up but that is when you get there.

When I started having sex I had the same problem until I learned to relax and ride the waves of sensation.

[Serahlicious]

Okay. I thought relaxation might be the key. It's really difficult to get into a relaxing, intimate situation because she lives 800 miles away. So when I do get to see her, I have a very limited amount of time, and even fewer safe places to be with her, since her family doesn't know that she's gay yet. We have to be careful all the time, and when we get a moment alone, it's almost literally just a moment.

It makes me feel better to know that you had this problem at first, too. I had a feeling it was normal and that our current situation played a big part, but I really needed to hear it from someone else. Any other tips and advice you or anyone else has would be so appreciated! I'm so new at this X)

[jen1447]

I didn't realize you were a woman hon, sorry. We get a fair amount of "can't cum" and "can't get erect" threads from women and men respectively, and usually the solutions are different.

There's a lot to say about female sexual response. (I'm bi by the way so I'm very familiar with sex with women.) It's probably just a pressure thing really - in order for us to get warmed up we usually need a lot of time and to be relaxed. I went thru that hiding/rush thing when I was younger too and still was under the supervision of my parents lol, but that went away when I came out. Have you considered going public? I know it's not easy but in the long run it will take pressure off you both. Otherwise I'd suggest just making your sex about intimacy and not necessarily orgasms. If you can get time together, spend like an hour or two just making out with her. That sort of thing tends to sort the performance issues out itself because by the time you get done tasting her for so long you may have a hard time not cumming!

Feel free to give more specs and I'll try to help.

[Serahlicious]

We're looking to move in together soon. Then we'll have a whole apartment to ourselves and all the time in the world She's getting ready to come out to her family and friends; it's definitely a goal of hers, she's sick of hiding. I'm out to everyone but my grandparents (they're so old-fashioned) and to her family and friends, out of respect for her privacy. But like I said, all of that is about to change.

It's strange to me that sex can be achieved "successfully," for lack of a better word, without an orgasm being involved. I know I think too much, about what I must look like at the moment, if she's enjoying herself, or if whatever we're doing at the moment is going to be enough to get me off, maybe we should try something else, blah blah blah. I can't shut all that stuff out. Plus, we always have a time limit, and there's no room for "oh well, we'll try again tomorrow," because we hardly ever get to see each other.

[jns]

Okay. I thought relaxation might be the key. It's really difficult to get into a relaxing, intimate situation because she lives 800 miles away. So when I do get to see her, I have a very limited amount of time, and even fewer safe places to be with her, since her family doesn't know that she's gay yet. We have to be careful all the time, and when we get a moment alone, it's almost literally just a moment.

It makes me feel better to know that you had this problem at first, too. I had a feeling it was normal and that our current situation played a big part, but I really needed to hear it from someone else. Any other tips and advice you or anyone else has would be so appreciated! I'm so new at this X)

I also didn't realize you are a woman. My advice still stands because I wrote it so it would be applicable for most situations. I have seen the parallels between man and woman, woman and man, woman and woman, and man and man. The situations lend themselves to similar reactions which in turn creates similar understanding. Similar understanding leads to similar solutions. Btw, if you didn't already know, I am a guy.

The hidden and sometimes rushed LDR relationship does add a lot of understanding to what is keeping you from relaxing.

I think your situation will be helped a lot when you two are together and when you feel more comfortable with being open to others about your relationship. Best wishes on everything.

[jen1447]

It's strange to me that sex can be achieved "successfully," for lack of a better word, without an orgasm being involved. I know I think too much, about what I must look like at the moment, if she's enjoying herself, or if whatever we're doing at the moment is going to be enough to get me off, maybe we should try something else, blah blah blah. I can't shut all that stuff out. Plus, we always have a time limit, and there's no room for "oh well, we'll try again tomorrow," because we hardly ever get to see each other.

I think that's some sort of societal conditioning, that everything has to have a payoff. Orgasms are great, no doubt about that, but if you look at sex like a job where at the end it has to be completed by having this hyper-pleasurable thing happen, well ....you can see how those two ends don't agree too well. "Have an orgasm so we can get this job done!!"

That's why it's best not to approach it that way, and it's actually much easier to do with women because guys need the orgasm itself as a part of sex much more. Plus, eliminating the urgency will probably result in a greater chance of it happening, ironically.

That's great about all the coming out - both yours and hers!

[Serahlicious]

Thank you both so much for your advice This has made me feel a lot better already. I just wish there was a way to shut off my self-conscious thoughts. I don't want anything to be "perfect" by any means. I want our first time to be special, sure, but I want it to be awkward and funny at the same time, because neither of us is going to know what we're doing. I want to be able to look back on it and remember that we loved each other and we had fun, and it wasn't like some movie, it was just like us. I want to be able to let go, and maybe even mess up or look stupid in front of her, without it being such a big deal to me. I've always had a thing about failure, I don't take it very well in any form. I know she loves me, she never judges, always accepts me and loves me unconditionally. I feel more comfortable with her than with almost anyone else, but I know I'm still too uptight. I just want to be able to make her happy, and to be able to come for her.

[jen1447]

When you say first time and make reference to virginity, I'm guessing you mean that you've never done oral on each other? When it comes to sex between women, virginity is a bit of a harder thing to determine being as there's no easy "his penis went into my vagina" act to qualify it by. Anyway, if you've never gotten oral from her, you might be surprised at how ....effective ....it can be.

You sound like you're already fairly silly at heart so I wouldn't worry about creating the wrong impression. It'll be what it'll be hon, let go of the reins a little bit and you'll feel more relaxed.

Now, if you're really determined to orgasm just for her to make her happy, we can help. I'll have to sort of interview you tho to find out where you're at with your sexuality overall so I know how to proceed. If you're game for that, let me know.

[Serahlicious]

That sounds like fun! Like I said, I don't know what I'm doing X) We're both pretty silly, actually, and we just click together so well, that I couldn't figure out what was causing me to get so nervous and not be able to orgasm. I consider myself a virgin still because she's never gone down on me, or me on her, neither of us has ever touched the other "down there" without some fabric in the way, and we've never seen each other "down there" either. We've never used a toy, except a small vibrator for a few moments with underwear in the way. I'm going to consider our first time to be when we see all of each other for the first time, with no more boundaries or restrictions as to how far we can go. Obviously there's always going to be situations where we would need to ask each other if it would be okay to do something crazy, but that's not what I mean. I'm not sure how to word it.

Go ahead and interview me! I'm just as interested in exploring all of this! You can send me a PM if you want.