[JonDoe]

Which partner initiates sex more often in long-term monogamous relationships?

My experience during my marriage of 20+ years was that I almost exclusively initiated sex, and unfortunately was rejected most of the time. On the very rare occasion that my wife took the lead, she simply asked "Do you wanna have sex?". She was not at all romantic or seductive. I deeply craved for her to be seductive. Even if she had simply whispered the same question into my ear, that would have been a huge improvement. I longed for her to surprise me by not wearing panties when we went out to dinner, taking her panties off at a party and secretly handing them to me, or dressing in something sexy and calling me to the bedroom. I tried discussing this many times, but she refused to talk about anything related to sex: turn-ons, positions, clothing, toys, desires, fantasies, etc.

If your partner initiates sex, but you have a headache or are otherwise not in the mood, do you try to initiate when you are feeling better or more in the mood?

During one of my attempts to have a meaningful discussion with my wife, she said she would initiate more if I didn't initiate so frequently. I found this rather surprising since at this point in our relationship I was initiating less than once a month, and often several months would go between attempts. However, I played along and agreed to follow her lead for a few months. She asked me if I wanted to have sex all of about three times during the next six months. I enthusiastically accepted the first two times. The next time, I held her hand and politely told her I was flattered by her offer, but I was not in the mood at that moment, and suggested that we could try again tomorrow (just as I wish she would have done when she was turning me down). She was ********ed! I was shocked! Maybe this is one of the reasons that. I have an insure with double standards.

[Euphoric]

JD,

Congratulations on 20 years with a less than willing sexual partner. I can only imagine how frustrating that would be. Hubs and I have been married 20 years and to answer your question on initiating sex…we are very active and if you want an apples to apples comparison, I probably initiate more. There have been times where we "couldn't" because of medical issues and whatnot, but as soon as we were given the green light…suffice it to say we didn't have idle time to sit and watch tv We are open to try just about anything…

I'm currently deciding whether or not to share an "awakening". WHF old timers (not age related, LOL) and regular posters would need an alert message so as not to hurt themselves with a case of whiplash from the double take they'd do.

[Stillness]

My wife initiates more - maybe 80-90% of the time.

[Euphoric]

Still,

Do you consider yourself a lucky man?

[JonDoe]

Congratulations on 20 years with a less than willing sexual partner. I can only imagine how frustrating that would be.

I know your words of congratulations are genuine, in regards to me not giving up on the commitment of marriage, and for that I say thank you! However, I feel somewhat ashamed for not caring more deeply about myself and placing a higher priority on my needs, and for not realizing early on that we were not compatible emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and most of all not sexually.

Looking back, it didn't seem as difficult to bear in the early years, perhaps because my love for her was stronger and/or perhaps because my resentment was not as strong. It was certainly frustrating at times, but not nearly as much as later years of marriage. A part of me slowly died over the years, and the resentment slowly increased too. I don't know if that part of me will ever return, but I'm working on it.

I'm currently deciding whether or not to share an "awakening". WHF old timers (not age related, LOL) and regular posters would need an alert message so as not to hurt themselves with a case of whiplash from the double take they'd do.

You have piqued my curiosity! Please share away.

[Stillness]

Still,

Do you consider yourself a lucky man?

In general, yes, things are good. Probably better than many. Sexually, we've still got a ways to go.

Our frequency is probably only a little better than when I first came to the site frustrated. The difference is that she does nearly all of the initiating. That means that I go without - a lot. Our relationship in general is much happier, a little more passionate.

[Magnetism]

The man initiated sex in the early stages, but I initiate more once things are established.

[Euphoric]

I know your words of congratulations are genuine, in regards to me not giving up on the commitment of marriage, and for that I say thank you! However, I feel somewhat ashamed for not caring more deeply about myself and placing a higher priority on my needs, and for not realizing early on that we were not compatible emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and most of all not sexually.

Yes, I did, indeed, mean that genuinely. Early in our marriage, I can't tell you how many times I heard people say we were still in the honeymoon phase. WRONG!! Three years into the marriage and I was almost ready to throw in the towel. The only reason I didn't is because in my heart, I hadn't given it my all. Hubs and I discussed issues that were tearing us apart. We agreed to give it one more shot, giving 100% and if it still didn't work, we would part on friendly terms. In my book, there's a fine line between love and hate. Qualities I found attractive became sore spots, (ex: him being willing to drop everything and help someone out) because I was part of what got dropped to help others. I'm no doormat who's willing to be sidelined or trampled on. That said, my view of marriage/committed relationships may differ from others. Marriage doesn't constitute losing one's identity. Nor should a person forsake activities because their spouse doesn't share the same passion in regards to those activities. There is a delicate balance of compromise so that both people are happy.

This may sound cold and I really don't want to come off as petty, but I didn't marry my husband because I wanted a roommate to share the bills with. I'm in no way suggesting that sex makes or breaks a marriage, but it ranks pretty darn high on my list. Sexual compatibility and libido range need to balance, otherwise, one is always "nagging" for it and the other is "sick of being pestered." I don't think you need to feel ashamed at all. You've sacrifice your needs because of love. There's a wide range concerning what tops a persons priority list and the fact is that sex is on the bottom end of the totem pole for some people. I agree that resentment festers over time and pent-up aggression takes it toll. It's one thing to be out of commission for "a while", but day in, day out, year after year. No thanks, I've got one life to live and I'm not going to settle for less than I deserve. I know a lot of people don't share my view and that's okay. Happiness is an individual matter, and what's make people happy vary.

I'm working on sharing the awakening. If/when I do, I'll message you so you don't miss it. I think you'd especially find it intriguing

[Romy]

I know your words of congratulations are genuine, in regards to me not giving up on the commitment of marriage, and for that I say thank you! However, I feel somewhat ashamed for not caring more deeply about myself and placing a higher priority on my needs, and for not realizing early on that we were not compatible emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and most of all not sexually.

Looking back, it didn't seem as difficult to bear in the early years, perhaps because my love for her was stronger and/or perhaps because my resentment was not as strong. It was certainly frustrating at times, but not nearly as much as later years of marriage. A part of me slowly died over the years, and the resentment slowly increased too. I don't know if that part of me will ever return, but I'm working on it.



You have piqued my curiosity! Please share away.

Your post made me sad.

[Romy]

I would say for us that it's 50:50.