[effy2014]

I know your words of congratulations are genuine, in regards to me not giving up on the commitment of marriage, and for that I say thank you! However, I feel somewhat ashamed for not caring more deeply about myself and placing a higher priority on my needs, and for not realizing early on that we were not compatible emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and most of all not sexually.
. . . . A part of me slowly died over the years, and the resentment slowly increased too.

I was in the same boat but, thankfully, it lasted "only" 8 years. Three rounds of marital therapy did not work (for us, anyway . . . I have used many of principles I learned in my current very happy relationship) and I went to individual therapy. It took 18 months to reach the conclusion that I did not deserve to be treated poorly and that divorce was a valid option. I understand completely the agony you have gone through being married to an incompatible mate. Unfortunately, so many of us don't really know what qualities bring us happiness until we have gone through some of the tough times.

So, part of me admires your perseverance and part of me wants to tell you that, with the knowledge you have gained in this marriage, you can find the best relationship in your life if you so choose.

In my book, there's a fine line between love and hate. Qualities I found attractive became sore spots, (ex: him being willing to drop everything and help someone out) because I was part of what got dropped to help others. I'm no doormat who's willing to be sidelined or trampled on.
**********************

This may sound cold and I really don't want to come off as petty, but I didn't marry my husband because I wanted a roommate to share the bills with. I'm in no way suggesting that sex makes or breaks a marriage, but it ranks pretty darn high on my list. Sexual compatibility and libido range need to balance, otherwise, one is always "nagging" for it and the other is "sick of being pestered." I don't think you need to feel ashamed at all. You've sacrifice your needs because of love. There's a wide range concerning what tops a persons priority list and the fact is that sex is on the bottom end of the totem pole for some people. I agree that resentment festers over time and pent-up aggression takes it toll. It's one thing to be out of commission for "a while", but day in, day out, year after year. No thanks, I've got one life to live and I'm not going to settle for less than I deserve. I know a lot of people don't share my view and that's okay. Happiness is an individual matter, and what's make people happy vary.

The first part of your quote was brilliant. My last marital therapist said the same thing . . . he wanted to write a book entitled "what I loved about you makes me want to kill you". His theory was that we often marry people with the traits we wished we had . . . but then hate that our partner has them (precisely because our personalities can't accommodate it)

The second statement is also very true. People, I think men in particular, view physical intimacy as an integral part of their emotional connection to the relationship. Lessen the intimacy and you necessarily decrease the level of emotional commitment. I am a believer that when a relationship is broken, intimacy is the first thing that suffers because trust has usually been breached. But, unless there is a path to redemption, when intimacy is lost for a long period of time the relationship suffers greatly. It does become people sharing house and bills. I don't understand how the "non sexual" partner cannot see the impact. I tried almost 4 years of therapy in 8 years of marriage before calling it quits.

[Euphoric]

Effy,

You are a better man than I am woman. Four years of therapy in an eight year marriage…you can hold your head up high and say, that yes, you tried everything possible. You gave 200%. FWIW, I'm glad you moved on. Sometimes there's no hope and continuing to spin your wheels only makes it that much harder to get out. GOOD FOR YOU!

[cathy23]

BF initiates sex most of the time, especially on the weekends now.

[JonDoe]

People, I think men in particular, view physical intimacy as an integral part of their emotional connection to the relationship.

This is so true, but unfortunately some people are blind to this fact. For many men in long-term relationships, sex is the primary conduit for expressing their feelings, a path to achieving a true sense of intimacy with a romantic partner. For them, this is their love language.

And it is not just men that suffer; women suffer from lack of intimacy in marriage too. For the past say five years, whenever we get together for drinks with a married couple that we have been friends with for over 15 years, the other wife openly shares how her husband neglects her need for physical intimacy. He casually, but comfortably brushes it off in a very similar way that my wife does. The only difference is that I don't put my wife on the spot in front of friends like this. Perhaps I should. Anyway, a few times I held her hand, spoke up and told her husband that he should take care of his beautiful wife's emotional and physical needs before someone else comes along and sweeps her off her feet. Then he convincingly said "I'd be OK with that, especially if that guy was you.", as if he would be thankful for me to remove this burden from him. Granted a few drinks were had with good friends and we were otherwise having a good time, but I was still shocked at his callous attitude. My next thought was usually "if only my wife was as open to my physical needs being met by someone else, then perhaps the answer to both couples problems have been solved." If only it was that easy.

Lessen the intimacy and you necessarily decrease the level of emotional commitment. I am a believer that when a relationship is broken, intimacy is the first thing that suffers because trust has usually been breached. But, unless there is a path to redemption, when intimacy is lost for a long period of time the relationship suffers greatly. It does become people sharing house and bills.

Sad, but true. I told my wife on numerous occasions that our relationship felt to me like we were roommates, but I pay all of the bills and her name is on the deed to the house, car titles, bank accounts, retirement savings, life insurance, etc.

I don't understand how the "non sexual" partner cannot see the impact.

I believe they only see what they want to see, what is important to them, which is very selfish.

[Romy]

I'm curious....what are your thoughts on say for example a man who has become impotent due to surgery, not interested in seeing if there's any help out there in order to help him maintain an intimate relationship with his wife and at the same time doesn't acknowledge that she has any needs. It's not talked about for years. (She never brings it up for fear of making him feel bad about something he had no control over). He no longer gets any urge for sex, has no desire to make any attempt at anything sexual that doesn't involved penetration....she's simply left to live as, shall we say, a flat mate. What's the woman to do when not only does she but the children depend on him. Not as simple as simply leaving....

[Stillness]

I'm curious....what are your thoughts on say for example a man who has become impotent due to surgery, not interested in seeing if there's any help out there in order to help him maintain an intimate relationship with his wife and at the same time doesn't acknowledge that she has any needs. It's not talked about for years. (She never brings it up for fear of making him feel bad about something he had no control over). He no longer gets any urge for sex, has no desire to make any attempt at anything sexual that doesn't involved penetration....she's simply left to live as, shall we say, a flat mate. What's the woman to do when not only does she but the children depend on him. Not as simple as simply leaving....

Sometimes you have to talk about uncomfortable things to make a marriage work. If they don't express themselves, how will the other person know what they're going through?

[bootsie]

She sometime,but it!s me mostly and yes I have been getting turned down a lot more lately.

[effy2014]

I'm curious....what are your thoughts on say for example a man who has become impotent due to surgery, not interested in seeing if there's any help out there in order to help him maintain an intimate relationship with his wife and at the same time doesn't acknowledge that she has any needs. It's not talked about for years. (She never brings it up for fear of making him feel bad about something he had no control over). He no longer gets any urge for sex, has no desire to make any attempt at anything sexual that doesn't involved penetration....she's simply left to live as, shall we say, a flat mate. What's the woman to do when not only does she but the children depend on him. Not as simple as simply leaving....

Leaving is never simple. It was not for me. Thankfully, in those situations, the divorce laws protect women and families from financial ruin, even though it still will be financially difficult. I would never vote for the status quo -- it needs to be talked out, argued out or be dealt with in therapy.

She bears some responsibility for not being able to articulate her needs and to sweep it under the rug, so to speak. In your hypothetical, the wife doesn't know what may be within his control because it has not been explored. Because she does not complain, he no doubt feels empowered to simply wallow in his pain -- he may believe that she does not care. We have a responsibility to our partners to let them know our feelings, painful or not, hurtful or not. In my world, because I believe that men lead, he should have initiated the conversation and done everything possible to find solutions to his lack of libido.
Alternatively, he should extend himself to make sure his wife is satisfied.

I would be curious to know, in your hypothetical, what the intimate relationship was like before the surgery. If it was strained before hand, his reaction makes sense. A bad sexual relationship made worse. If it was fulfilling, he may be suffering from depression for which therapy might be helpful.

[effy2014]

Effy,

You are a better man than I am woman. Four years of therapy in an eight year marriage…you can hold your head up high and say, that yes, you tried everything possible. You gave 200%. FWIW, I'm glad you moved on. Sometimes there's no hope and continuing to spin your wheels only makes it that much harder to get out. GOOD FOR YOU!

I wish I could agree with you. I was just dumber and analytical. It was a second failed relationship, both deteriorating in an almost eerie identical way. I took to heart one the best "demotivational" statements I've ever read "The only commonality in all of your dysfunctional relationships is you". I wanted to know why I was a failure. The last 18 months of the marriage I spent in individual as well as marital therapy. Thankfully, I figured it out. When you have all of the tools, you can figure out that you are so poorly matched that every relationship saving technique in the books can't (and indeed should not) save the marriage.

[Lovcookie]

If one partner feels like they have to do all the initializing then eventually the intimacy will suffer. I do most of the time (2/3) but she does go into attack mode fairly often which is really nice.