[Motorguy]

Oh wow this is tough one I would have to say it's pretty closer to 50/50 who ever starts it the other is ready to go. I am trying to think myself or my wife have never used the I have a head ache or her I am having cramps nothing ever like that. Some times just looking at each other in bed it's in attack mode with each other kissing and rubbing. When we are done is like oh god that was good it's a good sleep aid lol.

[RanchGirl]

I am going to weigh in here on the side of initiating less but with explanation. My husband and I have been married for 16 years. The only time in my life that I have been horny is at the beginning of relationships. I don't entirely understand my problem but I have never had much libido. I can get it going once we're in it, but I hardly ever have a sexual thought. I probably hadn't masturbated in years until recently. My husband and I have never had a very romantic way of going and I have also had self-esteem and intimacy issues where I feel embarrassed to be focused on. My husband isn't very well endowed, and I can only come in one position with him with intercourse, and I have some pain issues so getting to the point of coming is frustrating for me. If I can't, he feels bad because he wants me to have that pleasure.

Years ago, because I was never initiating and low drive, my husband expressed his frustration and said he wasn't interested in a roommate, so I asked him how often would make him happy. He said twice a week, so that's what I aimed for, sort of like it was an appointment we had together. Even if I wasn't in the mood, I knew this is what we were going to do so accepted. Nowadays, we're older (he's 54) and once a week seems all that either of us really needs or is up to.

I have felt frustrated with his love making, that he's awkward at times and hasn't mastered techniques that really trip my trigger, and since I'm not all that well-traveled, I'm not even really sure what I need. All I know is that I need vigorous clitoral stimulation to come, and he could never quite master it so I have to do it myself. On top of that I seem to only be successful with my right hand, and I have a wrist injury that flares up as I try to do this....so sex is hard and painful, if you will. I have tried to help him learn how best to touch me without great success. One of my frustrations is that he goes straight for the crotch, little petting and I have told him I need more of that, more foreplay. He says OK, got it, but old habits die hard. My only saving grace is that once I get over the first orgasm hurdle, I can usual have multiple orgasms, and that drives him wild.

I admit that I play as big a role in our lousy love making as he does. I have hit menopause now and it has become even harder to orgasm. However, I have decided that I want our sex life to be more satisfying for both of us and have ventured forth on forums such as this one to try to stimulate my mind, ideas, fantasies, etc.

I have also been trying to masturbate more to practice, hopefully getting my body more responsive, and to get my mind more into the idea of sex. I think it has helped.

My hubby and I have many areas that we are compatible on outside of sex, so I really hate the idea of hinging the relationship on the sex alone as a deal breaker. There's work we can do here to make it better and I finally feel like it is about time to get it going. I truly do love him.

My husband has a fantasy of watching another guy **** me. He also talks about getting together with another couple. He knows he is not as well-endowed and that I crave a bigger ****. My first boyfriend was the only one that could really get me going without my having to stimulate myself, and he had a big one. Lately, I have been more intrigued by these fantasies and we talk about actually doing it. I think I might want to go to a swinger's party and watch initially, voyeurism being my leaning because I am shy. My only fear is that one or the other of us will fall for someone else or have someone else fall for us and mess up our marriage

Anyway, I just wanted to join in on this because I think having a real heart to heart with the wife in the OP's situation is a must. Even if she wants to hear it, she's got to know that the "roommate" situation is unsatisfying and no longer a viable option for him. That really shook me up into realizing that even if I wasn't in the mood, if I met the minimum requirements of my husband, I could get into it once we got going and keep him happy. I know that isn't really enough in the long run and that is why I want things to get better, and this time it is me wanting the improvement, not him! Anyway, at least I became aware, and the wife in this case needs to do so as well. Has she ever talked about WHY she doesn't have any sex drive? She might have pain or hormonal or even psychological issues at the root that could be addressed.

[cathygirl]

My husband initiates probably 60-70% of the time. That's okay with both of us. It's not that I'm less interested, it's just "how we do it". I sometimes don't want to be "pushy" and I know if he's interested he'll get the idea and initiate, but if I know he's interested I'll initiate. I guess I'm afraid of rejection or something, but it all works out well in the end :-)

[JonDoe]

Your post made me sad.

It makes me sad too; sorry to be such a downer. I prefer to read the other upbeat, advent ours post, but while those posts give me some hope for a better future, they also remind me of what I missed out on for so many years. We had so much going for us is every other way. Some days it overwhelming feels like a life wasted.

[shoshannah]

It really depends. At bedtime, and the week before my period and during my period, I'm more likely to initiate. The rest of the month, and mornings or daytimes (when possible), he is more likely to initiate.

[raindancer]

We both initiate. Who initiate most times? I couldn't say.

[Lorioella]

It's usually him, although I make it apparent that I'm open to the possibility. I prefer when he initiates it since I'm then the recipient of the most foreplay. Sometimes when I see him, though, I can't help myself and nearly tackle him.

[Mr_B]

After 14+ years of marriage, I would say it was me 90% of the time, with the last four years since our son came along being closer to 99% me. I am not including the five month time period of her first breast cancer diagnosis, mastectomy and chemo that followed two years ago or the second breast cancer diagnosis & mastectomy she is currently recovering from.

Outside of those time periods, it has been pretty frustrating to me in recent years that I am the one almost exclusively initiating sex. It is not that she does not enjoy the sex, but that, even before the two cancer diagnosis' and even before our child was born, she has always been someone who does not let herself sleep well at night because she constantly worries herself about everything. If there is not anything she should be worrying about, she seems to find something to worry about. She gets up for work before 6 a.m. M-F and trys to go to bed no later than 10:00 if she can, while I have been a night owl since 4th grade and can easily get through my days on 4-6 hours of sleep, so I do not go to bed early because I will just lie there awake, so she thinks she has to check up on me to see if I happened to fall asleep in the living room or she will try to aggravate me to get me to go to bed when I am wide awake and not tired (no, this is not a ploy to get me in bed for sex). It is the one thing that causes about 90% of our arguments with us because when she is tired, which is most nights, she is almost impossible to reason with if she is being particularly insistent. The arguments about trying to force me to go to bed do not happen all the time, maybe an average of once a month, but there are times she would get up once or twice before 2 a.m. just to check on me instead of just letting herself sleep.....I set an alarm on my phone to wake me up to go to bed if I happen to fall asleep in my recliner. If she had it her way and I just gave in and went to bed by 11-12 every night (which I will if I have to be at work for 6 a.m. since my schedule moves around, then I would be miserable because I will lie awake in bed for 1-2 hours if I am not tired. In the past, even if I was in bed earlier, then there were always other reasons she would lose sleep (she used to stare at the clock for 1-2 hours before she had to be up because she would be afraid of sleeping through the alarm; she always had to check on our son, even when he was in the same room when he was smaller; etc.) She had some of these same sleeping issues and worrying before we ever met and she was still living with her parents because her sleeping issues used to aggravate her sister in the same room.

Considering her worrying issues causing her to always lose sleep, this obviously plays a huge part in how often we have sex. It gets to 7-10 p.m. and she is tired and just wants to go to sleep. I, on the other hand, would be willing to lose a whole night of sleep if it meant getting sex!!! I am willing to make sacrifices in order to have sex even 3-4 times a week, not the 3-5 times a month it may happen at times (some months may be more like 6-10 if I am lucky, but not often enough). At times, this includes what starts out as the "quickie" that I can usually get stretched out to an extra 10-15 minutes once I can get her going wanting more once I can convince her with my tongue. All I ever want is for her to initiate even once or twice a month instead of it always being me, be willing to sacrifice 30-45 minutes of sleep at times to make a little alone time for each other after our son is in bed.......so what if it winds up being 11:00 for her to go to bed a couple of times a week, it would be worth it to make us happier and I think she would sleep better afterwards (it usually has).

She is a wonderful person, a wonderful mother and is always willing to talk about sex with me, my wants and needs and let me be playful with her during the day or evening unless she is so tired that she is not even in the mood for the playfulness, but things do not seem to change or if it looks like it's starting to get better, she gets hit with a health issue that derails the progress, which of course is not her fault. I just get so aggravated because I am the one trying so hard to spice things up and get her to initiate more and sacrifice just a little more time every week for us to have more sex. I am not asking for three hour sessions here, which would be nice at least 2-3 times a month on the weekends, if I do not work late, I just want 30 minutes several times a week! I think this point is finally getting through to her, we just have to get past her current recovery from the second mastectomy surgery. We are in our early 40's, we are not sexually dead!!!

[Lady Syrinx]

I can say from personal experience that those who say "When your relationship gets a certain point sex becomes unimportant." are idiots. Sex is integral to a happy marriage. In the old days I never initiated, but then again I had no appreciable sex drive. Now I'd say we're working toward 50-50 at this point I'd say it's 60-40.

[Lexhill]

Me a 100% and have always been that way. The few times my wife has initiated is not equal to even 1%. I can only remember twice. She has always been sexually shy. In our beginning she never said no thought.

I to dream for her to initiate sex.