[up-late]

Has anyone else in their 40s suddenly experienced a radical increase in their libido? I have never had this, mine has always been low, this has been going on continuously since the start of the year. My doc says it's lack of drive women come to see her about and seemed to think a high drive in women didn't exist, I got what I felt was quite a judgmental response from her (she spoke to me like I had loose morals), I told her if I had a partner I wouldn't be in to see her about it I'd be too busy making the most of it so maybe that's why she's not seeing anyone complaining about it, but I'm single so this is a majorly disruptive problem for me. I'm studying right now and I can't even concentrate long enough to finish a page of reading, I'm falling behind in my course, I have a lot that needs my attention right now too, I'm putting my life back together after a health scare and career loss, things are still precarious for me and I need to be on the ball, I can't even think straight let alone get anything done and things are getting away from me. What can I do to get rid of it? I was happy when I didn't have much of a drive, I'm climbing the walls, after everything I've survived it's this that's going to be the end of me? I'm not a happy camper.

I'm getting my hormone levels checked but the doc doesn't seem to think it will pick anything up (I've also had hair loss, nausea and I have to remove hair from my face) I did have PCOS but it resolved years ago with the progesterone pill, I can't go on the pill now because I'm already at risk for DVT (I threw a clot which landed me in a cardiologists office). I had a total hysterectomy a couple of years ago and things have felt different. I also have AS and don't know if maybe there is something going on with the nerves in my lower spine, although they usually talk about saddle numbness as a complication, not constant arousal. The worst part is this persists even through the pain relief and beta blockers I take for my condition, I'd hate to think what state I'd be in if I wasn't taking them.

I tried intent dating but the men have been seriously creepy and even abusive, predatory, the meetup groups haven't been much better, both places I have men well beyond their 50s whose only topic of conversation is how great they are in bed (eww, creepy in my 20s, still creepy in my 40s). Even if I did start seeing someone I'm not confident a man in his 40s is going to be all that happy about me wanting that much sex. I've seriously been thinking about going into sex work to get relief (which is legal and regulated here) and I hate myself for even thinking it, I come from a very conservative background and I'm certain if the cost to my reputation didn't ruin me the guilt would but I can't think of how else to cope. I need this to stop, I want my life back. Please if anyone knows how to kill my drive please, please post it, I'm at my wits end and my life has already started to disintegrate.

[Stillness]

You are indeed not alone. Don't buy into the frigid woman stereotype. You will find scores of women here with the same complaint. You will also find those who are not complaining, but have very high libidos.

Men do tend to experience a drop in testosterone after 40, which typically means a decrease in libido. But for a good husband, sex is not just about how much you want it. It's also about pleasing your wife. To that end, many men find ways to take care of their woman. No two people are ever going to have the exact same sex drive especially over long periods of time.

[DreamP346]

First, ditch the doctor and a find a new one. A clinician who says such things and is judgmental is not worth seeing.

Second, many women in their 40s experience a sexual awakening and increased libido. Not uncommon at all. Have you tried masturbation? Does that provide relief?

[Texasred45]

First, ditch the doctor and a find a new one. A clinician who says such things and is judgmental is not worth seeing all.

Amen!
I have a close personal friend who is much like you describe: although she has always had a healthy and active sex life, in her mid-50s she developed the libido of a 17-year-old boy. Since I am slightly older than her, at first it was a chore to keep up - though a fun chore! - but after some time and with a little help from modern pharmacology, we had a very active sex life. My dr thought I was making it up when I told him she needed sex every morning AND every night.
- TR

[up-late]

Thank heavens, I was starting to think there was something wrong with me. I wouldn't be complaining if I had someone to share it with. Dating is a write off for me, in the dating scene the men have been quite abusive, they really don't think much of women, some have just been plain lazy and scrounging, there is a lot of cattiness. I've found anything at all to do with the singles scene is like this, normal people are staying away from it and I can see why.

I'm sure it's something going on with the men my age, it could be their drive has decreased and they don't have so much interest anymore, they don't go out anymore, I just find it hard to believe the only single men my age are those who report to a parole officer. It's not like I've suddenly become unattractive or difficult to get on with, although this is the first time in my life I haven't been surrounded by men given I had interests men tend to be more into than women so I'm not meeting men accidentally like I used to.

The men in their 40s are all but completely absent from the usual social scenes, including my interests. Everywhere I go now is men in their 30s, it's like there was a baby boom that decade and the magic number for who's chatting me up seems to be 32, it's like I'm catnip to them and many don't seem phased I'm older. I'm being approached by a lot of really sweet men in their 30s whose drive would match mine, I just find it hard to take them seriously. I'm also suspicuous of why an attractive young man would want an older woman when there are plenty of great women his age around. I like being my age and I like the worldliness of men my age, I feel like I'd be skipping over my 40s if I dated outside my age group. I just don't see this being resolved by meeting someone.

I imagine it would be confronting for a man though, I don't even know how I'd approach a partner about it without sounding selfish or just plain out there, I worry they might think I'm crazy or a bit "dirty", here women who are seen that way are treated brutally.

I will see the other lady doctor at the practice when I go back for my test results and see if she's got a better perspective, I really do feel it's hormonal, leading up to my hysterectomy my cycle was haywire and it seems this whole thing has followed some sort of trajectory to get me where I am now.

Taking care of it myself isn't really working for me, it sort of helps but not really, I get relief at first but it starts to become frustrating after a while, I'd probably get as much out of a massage since touch is such a big part of it, I think I would be a cuddle-a-holic. The main problem is what it's doing to my distractability, I do actually need to do something about lowering my drive right down so I can have my brain back because right now it's stuck on one track, my life needs my full attention (and then some) and nothing is getting done around here.

[up-late]

Out of interest how would I even approach this with a partner? I've never had this problem before, the kind of men I usually date get hit on a lot and they're irritated by it so I don't want to be seen as sexually aggressive and risk putting off the only type of man I click with, especially considering how hard it is to meet good men now. Would a monogamous, emotionally available man even be interested or would he just feel exhausted by it, like I was too demanding? Would he think I've lost my mind, that I was cheap or that I'd stray? The only man I've known with a libido like what mine is doing right now was my ex husband and he was a compulsive cheat, please tell me women have great partners who appreciate and can match their partners rise in drive.

I'm completely disorientated in the relationship landscape, I've been out of action a while and now around the wrong people, mostly who have the kind of agenda that would compromise my reputation and happiness so I've all but stopped going out now. I'm strictly monogamous, only date monogamous men and the rest of the time I'm pretty much celibate, till recently I wasn't even interested. I'm repelled by men who sleep around so there are no options for me, promiscuous men give me the creeps, recently I haven't met any other kind of man and it's put me right off dating altogether so now I have this disconnected drive with nowhere for it to go. Before I could take it or leave it but with the drive now I feel trapped. I just want it to go away.

[effy2014]

Speaking as a mid-50s divorced man, I am sorry that your online/dating experience has been so terrible. There are lots of very respectful men out there who do not sleep around and who know how to treat a woman. Monogamy is a wonderful thing.

Connections are most important to me. A woman who would tell me that on a first date would, in fact irritate me unless we had an instant connection. I once dated a woman who thought I was gay because I wouldn't have sex on the second date. Once a connection was established, it would be a wonderful thing to hear and to discuss. I think most men would enjoy a healthy mutually beneficial sex life. Personally, I enjoy when I am needed and wanted to satisfy my SO on a daily, twice a day or whenever she wants basis.

Keep looking. You will find good guys within a decade of your age. A few bad apples don't spoil the whole bunch of men.

[up-late]

A woman who would tell me that on a first date would, in fact irritate me unless we had an instant connection. I once dated a woman who thought I was gay because I wouldn't have sex on the second date.

This is what I thought, sensible men won't like it, and I only like sensible men, I'm guessing if they even picked up on something like that it would have them running for the hills. I don't tend to bring up the subject of sex with someone I'm not already involved with (although it doesn't stop them doing it) so I wonder if it's coming across in my appearance, body language or some other behaviour, if it's something more subtle. Given the wandering eyes my suspicion is it's physical and front and center. I've also had men who when introduced fully look me up and down, barely nod acknowledgement and abruptly turn their head with something that looks a lot like contempt, they seem pleasantly surprised I can hold a conversation later but it's me who has to make the effort to get past whatever that was, it's very confusing, if I get that now I just walk away, it's rude and I'm sick of men who being introduced have already prejudged and can't even bring themselves to be courteous, it's like they think if they show me any sign of manners I'll jump them in the car park later which is insulting enough for a man but really insulting for a woman. It's off putting and I'm almost certain I'm being dismissed because of something about how I look. I dress down, it does make me look kind of frumpy but if I wore what women do nowadays I'd look like Dolly Parton... and at my age... so everything is well and truly pulled back, still a lot of men seem to be under the impression I'm available to them. My previous occupation I was seen by a lot of people so I wonder how many recognize my face, I have had men and women say I look familiar and I'm wondering if not being able to place me has unnerved them, I have met people who did recognize me and didn't say anything while they worked on me too, I keep forgetting about that and it keeps coming back to bite me.

I've seen a lot of women do the "must be gay" thing, I used to see my boyfriend at the time how his face hardened from across the room when a woman said it to him (I went out with a man who'd been in a signed band, another who worked a high profile position a nightclub, they got targeted a lot, mostly by drunks but stalked by sober ones too). These women knew he was seeing me, knew I was right there and didn't care, they would aggressively hit on him anyway, it was a predatory strategy and no reflection on him so I wouldn't take it to heart.

[jilljames8184]

I am in my mid-fifties; love ans want more sex now than in my forties, wanted more in my forties than I did in my thirties, and more in my thirties than I did in my twenties. Can't wait to see how my sixties goes!

[effy2014]

I'm not sure you understood. Sensible, nice and intelligent men love women who are sexual. For me, it's only aggressive sexuality that is a turn off, but that is because of my own personality (an odd belief that sex takes solid relationships to another level and not the other way around). Subtle sexuality isn't off putting at all.

You have just had some bad experiences with dating. Yes, men are pigs and tend to focus on what's in front of them. However, we can be endearing, caring and well mannered pigs. Dont give up on finding the good ones.