[Stillness]

I feel sorry for some men because I know of women who will have sex as often as the man wants only to finally get a ring on her finger and suddenly she's not so interested in the sex anymore.

It's been a while and I can't remember who they were, but there are a few members who've posted that were women in just that situation. Life twirled it back around on their heads when they hit that crazy mid-life peak that some women get and found their husband less than willing to satisfy after experiencing years of rejection.

[jilljames8184]

I am in my mid-fifties; love ans want more sex now than in my forties, wanted more in my forties than I did in my thirties, and more in my thirties than I did in my twenties. Can't wait to see how my sixties goes!

Want to add that I get older, I like the sessions to be longer. In my twenties a "quicky" was ok; but now I don't care for them. I want multiple "O".

[up-late]

A younger man wanting me to teach him something isn't appealing to me, it just sounds like more work. I'm the eldest in a family raised by children, I've raised a family as an adult divorcee, at work a manager and union leader, a host directing peoples entertainment and settling drunks who should have gone home hours ago, at one point I ran my own business (while holding down a job no less) so even my free time I was in the drivers seat, I don't drink so I'm literally in the drivers seat as designated driver on a night out. At my age I want someone who'll nurture me for a change instead of one more person looking to me for what I can do for them, at what point in my life do I get to relax and let someone else take the lead for a change? I think I'll go on strike, no more community service till I get a holiday.

I was silly enough to think when I turned 40 people would stop looking at me like I was a sex toy, the "cougar" thing and now this drive business that's going on I feel like I'm being made a caricature of all over again, being objectified is the most unsexy thing I can think of and one more reason why the orphaned drive has to go. The more I think about it the more I see the logic in why women turn to sex work, if sex with people who take but give nothing who are unappealing is all that's out there for a single woman my age it's the only place I can think of where they can get enough out of it to be worth their while, at least in brothels they have boundaries, safety, anonymity and are protected from predators, god only knows what picking up a guy in a bar or off a website would get. Personally I'm skipping the whole sex thing altogether, I don't hate myself enough to put up with any more of the games and the politics of it and I certainly don't have time for more of the same of what the last several months of dating has brought me.

I'd like to split this topic, can someone interested in continuing the dating discussion start a new thread/s for it? I want to get this thread back onto how I can get rid of this thing.

[DreamP346]

Up-late, don't try to get rid of your drive. It is a wonderful thing to have. Just try to learn to manage it. Based on what you have said, it seems like you harbor negative views on female sexuality. Sex is a very important part of a person's life and a relationship. Placing it at the bottom of the priority list is who people get into mismatched libido relationships that lead to much unhappiness. I just want to lay a few very important points out:

Women have just as much high drives as well. Western culture just tends to portray men as sexually insatiable beasts while women are supposed to hate sex. That makes women with a healthy sex drive feel "dirty" and "ashamed." Don't be. As you can see, there are many women here with high drives. Many in happy relationships with partners that love their healthy sex drive. there are many cultures around the world where women are recognized as having an equal sex drive to men. So don't buy into the social concept that women should not have a high libido.

Having a high sex drive doesn't equal cheating and overall being a terrible person. Like I keep saying, it is perfectly normal. Just like every other characteristic in the world, human have all different levels of desire. If we all had low sex drives, the human population would have died out. Also, high is a relative concept. For some people, having sex everyday is just normal, not at all high. For some, masturbating 3 times a day is normal. Then there are others who think normal is once a week and anything more is high.So you see, the concept of high drive is relative.

Just because you age, does not mean you become less sexually attractive. Men are not as base creatures as we often like to joke about. They have varied preferences and tastes. Just like you don't want to be with somebody younger than you, many men also don't want to be with younger women. Also, many men are attracted to older women just like women are often attracted to older men. It's just that attraction is very complex and personalized. I've known a few men who said they didn't like sleeping with virgins because they didn't know what to do. An older partner knows what to do in bed, usually knows how to ask for what she/he wants and doesn't waste times with games. What is not to like about that?

Now that we have the misconceptions out of the way, how to deal with your situation. One thing people have mentioned is exercise. Usually helps you deal better with you libido. Also, look to substitute your skin hunger in other ways that are not sexual. Do you have close family and friends that you can spend time with. Give them lots of hugs. If any of them have kids, spend lots of time with them. Kids are very touchy feely. It really does help.

[Stillness]

Dream said all the right things. Also, you’re right about derailing your thread. We tend to do that around here. We shouldn’t.

A lot of us have come here because we have a problem. Sometimes another person’s perspective can shed light on our situation and show us a possible way out. A lot of us are helped just by knowing that we’re not alone. Check out this thread:

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/sex/7923-my-sex-drive-too-high.html

And this one:

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/sex/29009-sex-drive-major-changes-2.html

On those threads and all the others, you’ll see a lot of women and men who have a high libido. Some enjoy it. Others are plagued by it. Use the search function and you could probably be reading about how others deal with high sex drive for days.

I’ve found that the exercise that Dream mentioned is useful. Meditation and focus on non-sexual things is also helpful. Nature is like “the house” though. It always wins. Fight it, and you lose. Understand it and work with it and you’ll do OK. Most people struggle at some point in some way with sex. I would guess that every single person does. They want it too much. They don't want it enough. The person they want it from doesn't feel the same way or vice versa. It's human. We all have to learn how to deal with it.

I don’t see how prostitution helps you. You seem to want cuddling and nonsexual affection along with sex. You also seem to want to be treated with dignity. Do you really think that you’ll get that from people paying you to provide a service? Are they going to be giving you money to satisfy your needs?

Also, it bears repeating that men are not very different from women. There are differences, but there are more similarities. Aside from the obvious reproductive stuff, we have basically the same feelings, desires, and struggles. If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? Of course, there are some bad eggs. We’re bound to run into them. But if you keep drawing bad attention, you may need to do some soul-searching to see whether or not there's something inside that's attracting it.

[kdc]

I'm with DreamP346; dump the doc and get a better one. I'm 60. I was on Cymbalta for arthritis about four months a couple years ago, and I think it may have made my hormones kick into overdrive. Cymbalta did help my arthritis, but I went off it because I read that lots of people's sex drives die when they're on antidepressants. Thankfully, my drive is still revved up. So you might want to check to see if any of your meds might be contributing to your surge in drive. I definitely wouldn't kill it, though. ;-)

[Elizabeth1031]

I've read that this is quite common, due to the fact that at 40 u are approaching the age where u can no longer procreate ur Lobido increases in a last ditch effort to make sure u have babies, which is basically what we are designed to do. Do not to sex work it will destroy u emotionally. Maybe find a good friend w benefits. And definitely find a new doctor

[up-late]

I've got unwanted attention since I was 12 years old, it's called being female and all women get one version or other of it. Misogyny is deeply ingrained in Australian culture too so we really get it laid on thick here, this country is notorious for it. To suggest unwanted attention is due to something being fundamentally wrong with a woman is offensive in the extreme all by itself even without the social context, it's the same garbage about men not being responsible for their actions and "the devil (a woman) made me do it", we have some chilling domestic violence statistics, the excuse is often "she made me do it" or "she must have really done something to tick him off". For the record harassment is not about desire or a woman, it's about male power. Little bit tired of men throwing their stuff onto women, and for that matter men telling women what should be normal for a woman, till they grow the relevant anatomy and live as a woman in society they are not in a position to talk to a woman about what is normal for a woman.

FWB isn't a thing here, women who have casual sex are seen as "the town bike" and degraded physically and psychologically publicly to their face as well as privately, they are made into a joke and treated like animals. Threats to reputation are used as a weapon here, I'm not about to hand them a rod to beat me with. Like I mentioned before there is more dignity and purpose in sex work if it were to come to that, even women say of promiscuous women here "at least hookers have the sense to get paid for it", women who have casual sex are seen as less that prostitutes. It is not my beliefs that need to be addressed, it's the beliefs of a male nation that has yet to grow up. I would love a world where if I wanted to just have sex I could go do it, but the way it is it would destroy my reputation and bring all sorts of social violence down upon me, the best I can do is go on a holiday and do some sort of "don't crap where you eat" deal and hope he's not married and I never run into him again. It's not me who has the hang ups, it's the men here who pressure women for non relationship sex and then punish them for it.

I've almost exclusively dated immigrants and their children by default because men here don't know how to behave, they cop a lot from the locals who give them a hard time for amongst other things "stealing our women", when I meet a good man I go out with him, if I don't then I don't see anyone, if I never meet another good man I will be off the market for good and given the alternative that works for me. Relationships to me hinge on mutual respect, without that there is no foundation and no point, it's like being hungry and sat down to eat a plate of broken glass instead of food, you're expected to swallow a lot and all it will do is bring you pain. I have never missed not having a man around either, I've always been married to my work, good book vs bad sex with a nasty social stigma chaser just seals the deal.

I don't think you realize just how bad the men here are. There is one man I know who's been pestering me for a while for casual sex I could pick up the phone and call right now, since he's not what I would consider a friend it's not like there is a friendship to destroy, he's sleeping with a very unattractive woman he hasn't assigned a name to who takes him to swingers parties where he has sex with strangers and I've also seen him kissing a woman I thought was his mother. He's mostly drunk when I run into him (I walk past the pub balcony on my way anywhere else) and when his consumption has broken the coherence barrier he has snot running down his face, he lives at home with his mum so my place it is, hmmm, appealing right? Other candidates are in my parents generation, some are my fathers friends who've eyed me up and down in that perennially creepy way old men do, or guys my own age smug and sleeping around under the pretense of auditioning women for a relationship in bed, some have been auditioning for 10 years, some of them aren't already married. Others don't date, they take hostages, I've changed my number twice to escape verbal bullies who behaved themselves just long enough to meet me in person before humiliating me in the restaurant with explicit banter yelled at the top of their lungs, boasts about physical violence (including against women), before trying to undermine everything I care about when we get to hopes and dreams "what do you want to do that for", "no that's rubbish, what you really want to do is help me build a car", "are you an intellectual?" (said in a contemptuous tone because that's for - insert insult here - intellect here is associated with class contempt, even if it's by working class for working class, in a woman it's a slappable offense). Random approaches from guys almost young enough to be a son and keen to tell me since I must just be so desperate at my age when I've done him I should do his friend too. To top it off all of them are physically repulsive, fat, smell of smoke, apart from the young guys they look 10 years older than they claim, do nothing to counter bad genetics, show up for a date late dressed in something from the rag bin, shave and miss half their face. Favorite conversations are, my breasts, how they had been hiding to check if I was a heifer (their words) so they could bolt before I saw them, how in demand they are, how much stamina they have in bed, how their age peers are just so old compared to them or their non existent 20yo Asian NSA girlfriend. Most are pushing 60 claiming to be 45. I funded my prior business working as a promo model, I'm still in pretty good shape and I'm educated so you can imagine how that showing up to a date goes over. In the bathroom on one date a fellow diner said "I hope you take him for all he's got", the guy worked in a factory and payed his portion of the bill (right down to estimating how much wine from the bottle each of us drank) in coins, I'm surprised he didn't ask for the pensioner discount, he generously complimented me with "the other women were older and fatter", I should have seen it coming and made excuses and left before they seated us. Then there are the ones who pretend to be friends because they know no way would I go out with them (usually because they are separated or more than a decade too old) who try to build trust just long enough to corner me in awkward situations shoving their tongue down my throat as I struggle to get away, attempting to push me into having sex with them and then exploding into abuse when I refuse. Do you think this is acceptable? Should I throw my name in the hat with all the other women they're doing this to to try to land one of these catches? Are these men going to be affectionate and respect me? 6 months of solid dating they have ALL been like this, not so much as a tolerable man among them. This is why I'm not dating anymore, I don't hate myself enough.

The new drive has brought with it a short fuze and that same sex drive energy is right behind the temper that follows it, a temper is another thing out of character for me. The two are intertwined and it's making me think my free testosterone level is way up again. I will be pushing through this, as I said before I will be getting rid of it, I don't want it, it is not an addition to my life it is undermining my ability to be on the ball which right now I need to be. If it all comes crashing down around my ears prostitution my well be my only financial option I have quick access to if I want to keep a roof over my head, things are stupid tight right now and I need to be thinking straight. My sexuality is not up for debate either, I identify as being near to asexual, I enjoy being that way and it's a part of my identity, I would be perfectly happy to never have sex again. This on the other hand is wildly out of character and making me miserable, I actually thought the other day I would rather die than be like this forever, I hate it and I will not put up with it. Even if I was in a great relationship just because I'd be having sex doesn't mean it would be satisfying either, sex doesn't guarantee satisfaction, I could be at it all day and be no better off than I am now. Also I have a life, I work to a high cognitive level and I need my brain to work properly, it is taking away one of the biggest things in my life that makes my life worthwhile, what makes me happy, and is substituting it with distraction and misery, there is no benefit for me. All the women out there with a naturally high drive can have all the men to themselves however they like and as often as they like, I'm not interested. I have a uni assignment due I can't currently concentrate on (I'm a distinction level student already studying beyond my academic station) and I'm not inclined to phone this one in, I also need to pick up some part time work and move house all in the next few months, whatever it takes this is not serving me and the cost to me personally is too high so it's going and good riddance.

I already do a lot of exercise, I train 3 days a week and do active recovery in between, I keep my cardio low because too much of it triggers too many endorphins and it impacts my concentration, my diet is sound. The meds I take I've been on for years, there is no reason to think they would suddenly be affecting me now.

[Stillness]

up-late, we've had a few members share with us about how all or the vast majority of the members of the opposite sex they encounter are of poor character. They blame that for their frustration at the inability to have their sexual needs satisfactorily met. When some folks try to make suggestions and mention that others are able to find good mates and have fairly healthy relationships and that maybe they'd want to look at some character development, they're highly offended and defensive. Interestingly there's discussion of prostitution. The major difference is that the other members I've seen have been male to my recollection. The problem is women according to them.

I wasn't trying to offend you. I really do sympathize. I do know that every culture has it's own issues and for many some form of misogyny is one of them. I wasn't blaming you for that. I don't believe that all Australian men are pigs, though. I know it's not true. We have Australian members here that adore their men because they adore them in return.

I don't know all the reasons why many are able to find love and others just have nothing but bad experiences. Maybe the local subculture is really messed up and churns out a lot of bad people. Whatever it is, I hope you work it out. I wish you well.

[up-late]

Suggesting there is something fundamentally wrong with someone is offensive, anyone would be offended, if you were on the receiving end you would be offended. Amateur psychology doesn't wash with me at the best of times, it's patronizing, dismissive, subjective and a self referencing argument with no sound references and no way to prove any kind of truth. When virtually every date I've been on for the past several months has been with truly awful men behaving badly you blame me for being angry at being mistreated and a little testy when the subject comes up? You blame me for thinking I'd be better off getting paid for it if men like that are to be my only sexual option and I were compelled to act upon the drive (acting upon it being something you are keen to tell me I can't fight)? You expect me to post pure logic when I'm frustrated and angry and only getting more so being dissected by a stranger when I came here to ask a very simple question that has now been hijacked? Did it occur to you no longer working in my previous highly social job I no longer have opportunities to meet a variety of men and now I'm stuck with internet dating and people setting me up on blind dates? Yeah, that's where these men are coming from. Have you ever been set up on a nightmare of a blind date, one where you felt too intimidated to end it without fear of an outburst, how about one where you felt physically threatened? Try repeating it months over and see how you feel, throw in random political hate mail from MRA members and self proclaimed "nice guys" furious you didn't instantly reply to their "Hi baby" messages both courtesy of the dating sites and see how you're optimism is holding up. Obviously since I partner with good men there are good men out there so the assumption I think men are pigs isn't even correct, right now I'm not meeting good men and I'm not going to endure more of the same from this other lot under the pretense they can't all be bad and a woman with increased libido should service her drive, it's an insane idea.

I find it interesting a man posting in a womans forum and about sex no less, it makes me wonder what his motivation is, why my sexuality or anything else about me is such an issue for you that you feel compelled to take swipes at me online. Given the content of your posts it sounds very much like you are trying to undermine my decision to curb my appetite and are using re-framing and personal jabs nestled amongst false concern to try and shake my self confidence, that makes where this thread has gone a symptom of your problem. I could go further and speculate as to what that problem is but then I would be making the same mistake you just did, you don't know my situation, you don't know me personally and you don't know what you're talking about so lets just leave it at that.

I came here hoping to find an answer on the possible cause and how to kill a redundant drive that is not a part of my baseline personality and is disruptive to my life, not to debate sexual politics, be talked into enjoying the sudden change in drive which conflicts with my priorities and with things as they are on the dating front would be to my detriment (if not jeopardize my personal safety) nor to have my character called into question. That my sexuality is such a debated subject online is in itself an illustration of just why indulging it (or for that matter talking about it with strangers) is such a bad idea. Since it doesn't look like there are too many people here who are going to address my original question (thank you to those who did) there is no point in me coming back so I won't be checking in for further posts, it's taken up too much of my time already, had the banter not succeeded in strengthening my resolve I would have regretted I even asked.