[MiniVanMan]

Really.

If it weren't for porn, I would be all over her almost every night.

One of the first deeply personal things we talked about when we first started dating was the fact that I had a Playboy collection (and a few other mags). She never was bothered by this and that in itself impressed me. After we moved in together, the first big notable, thoughtful thing she did for me was organize my magazines into boxes based on month and year of publication. I knew then that I had found the woman for me.

As she began to discover the full extent of my sex drive, she became relieved that I had an outlet for my desire other than her. I just wanted it *way* more often than she did, and porn was a big help in that regard.

My porn collection grew over the years to include videos and now internet pics and movies. Her response to other women who ask is "Well, at least he's home and not out getting drunk or picking up chicks". I have never hid anything from her and she is always free to look through my collection including anything on our computer.

It is an open and honest part of our relationship and has never been an issue. I even pay a few bucks a month for a
favorite porn site (which I will not plug here unless asked) and she's OK with it.

- MiniVanMan

[metalbudderfly]

hey that sounds great!!!! i suppose your a very lucky man to have her. i relieved to hear that your a good guy and you don't go out cheatin on her. kudos to both of you!!!!!!!

[SorridLives]

Really.

If it weren't for porn, I would be all over her almost every night.

One of the first deeply personal things we talked about when we first started dating was the fact that I had a Playboy collection (and a few other mags). She never was bothered by this and that in itself impressed me. After we moved in together, the first big notable, thoughtful thing she did for me was organize my magazines into boxes based on month and year of publication. I knew then that I had found the woman for me.

As she began to discover the full extent of my sex drive, she became relieved that I had an outlet for my desire other than her. I just wanted it *way* more often than she did, and porn was a big help in that regard.

My porn collection grew over the years to include videos and now internet pics and movies. Her response to other women who ask is "Well, at least he's home and not out getting drunk or picking up chicks". I have never hid anything from her and she is always free to look through my collection including anything on our computer.

It is an open and honest part of our relationship and has never been an issue. I even pay a few bucks a month for a
favorite porn site (which I will not plug here unless asked) and she's OK with it.

- MiniVanMan

I can admire things about your relationship. I am happy you two are happy. I do think it is good to understand that men do have the desire to look at other women (other than their partners) and it may even be *good* for a relationship, in ways. There is just something about a man having "a whole other sex life" revolving around porn and masturbation in addition to and perhaps even preferred over their partner sex life that just doesn't sit right with me. I want our sex life to be the main event....I always want it to be that way. Our sex drives are similar, and I am happy for that! However,....like I already said....glad you are happy!

[MiniVanMan]

I just wanted to ...

illustrate that it is possible for a man in a relationship to be into porn and still keep his wife happy. I have never cheated on my wife and porn has made that easier.

I see so many posts here in which a woman is concerned about her man and porn. Well, it's not always a bad thing!

Thanks for the responses.

- MiniVanMan

[ChelseaRenee]

illustrate that it is possible for a man in a relationship to be into porn and still keep his wife happy. I have never cheated on my wife and porn has made that easier.

I see so many posts here in which a woman is concerned about her man and porn. Well, it's not always a bad thing!

Thanks for the responses.

- MiniVanMan

Porn has "made it easier" not to cheat on your wife? Oh lord. Should it really be that hard? Though I would like to say I admire your wife, and I do with I was more like her in this department.

[Guest]

OK, i'll be the wet blanket. minivan - don't take this as an assault on you or your marriage. i'd like to challenge what you're saying a little bit. if you're not OK with that, just say the word & i'll just say to each his own.

keep it in that context please - i'm not assuming that it's my place to judge you & your wife or your decisions regarding sex & porn.

but...

my problems with the attitude you've described:

1. your hanging onto your porn & your wife's tolerating it allows you both to avoid critical communication about an issue in your relationship: your sex drives don't match. that doesn't make you any less perfect for each other. no two people come into a marriage without the need to grind down the gears & make the machine run smoothly.

but rather than work your way through you wanting more & her wanting less - you're taking the easy way around all that. not only would working through it potentially resolve the issue, but would take you through an exercise that would make your relationship stronger, your communication skills sharper, & your understanding of one another deeper.

you're getting into a car, noticing a knock in the engine & rather than deal with the knock, you're just taking the other car.

2. "Well, at least he's home and not out getting drunk or picking up chicks" - this is a common resolve for couples where the husband is into porn, strip clubs, etc. the problem is the qualifier: "at least". this reduces your wife's expectation to the least common denominator. in other words, she can't look for the best, or what she would really hope for - she has to settle for the least worst of all the bad options.

it's as though she has to choose b/w you cheating on her & disregarding that she doesn't want as much sex as you ("If it weren't for porn, I would be all over her almost every night") - or you satisfying your desires by engaging with porn.

there actually are other choices and i would argue they are better ones.

i know this won't be a popular post. it looks like i'm attacking a guy who has humbly shared his relationship with us. i want to assure you that i don't mean to disrespect your marriage. your decisions are yours. and i applaude your honesty & am sure yours is a wonderful marriage. my wife & i have our own issues to work through & i'm preaching to myself here as much as anyone. i hope you believe that.

i just wanted to challenge your ideas in the interest of the discussion - if you're offended by this i'll really shut up about it.

i'll be up front about my perspective that porn is never OK and is always a bad thing, even in open relationships such as yours.

so my intention is just to challenge - and i'll welcome your challenges back.

[sourpuss]

You make some good points Whilhem.

[ChelseaRenee]

OK, i'll be the wet blanket. minivan - don't take this as an assault on you or your marriage. i'd like to challenge what you're saying a little bit. if you're not OK with that, just say the word & i'll just say to each his own.

keep it in that context please - i'm not assuming that it's my place to judge you & your wife or your decisions regarding sex & porn.

but...

my problems with the attitude you've described:

1. your hanging onto your porn & your wife's tolerating it allows you both to avoid critical communication about an issue in your relationship: your sex drives don't match. that doesn't make you any less perfect for each other. no two people come into a marriage without the need to grind down the gears & make the machine run smoothly.

but rather than work your way through you wanting more & her wanting less - you're taking the easy way around all that. not only would working through it potentially resolve the issue, but would take you through an exercise that would make your relationship stronger, your communication skills sharper, & your understanding of one another deeper.

you're getting into a car, noticing a knock in the engine & rather than deal with the knock, you're just taking the other car.

2. "Well, at least he's home and not out getting drunk or picking up chicks" - this is a common resolve for couples where the husband is into porn, strip clubs, etc. the problem is the qualifier: "at least". this reduces your wife's expectation to the least common denominator. in other words, she can't look for the best, or what she would really hope for - she has to settle for the least worst of all the bad options.

it's as though she has to choose b/w you cheating on her & disregarding that she doesn't want as much sex as you ("If it weren't for porn, I would be all over her almost every night") - or you satisfying your desires by engaging with porn.

there actually are other choices and i would argue they are better ones.

i know this won't be a popular post. it looks like i'm attacking a guy who has humbly shared his relationship with us. i want to assure you that i don't mean to disrespect your marriage. your decisions are yours. and i applaude your honesty & am sure yours is a wonderful marriage. my wife & i have our own issues to work through & i'm preaching to myself here as much as anyone. i hope you believe that.

i just wanted to challenge your ideas in the interest of the discussion - if you're offended by this i'll really shut up about it.

i'll be up front about my perspective that porn is never OK and is always a bad thing, even in open relationships such as yours.

so my intention is just to challenge - and i'll welcome your challenges back.

You never cease to say what's on my mind a million times better than I ever could.

[C]

MiniVanMan: If Porn is holding your marriage together, you are in for one long hard ride.....Get a more comfortable car.....You just might need it....

MiniVanMan: I did not mean to sound like a wise off in my above post but so many things you say scare me..I guess I am truly concerned for you. Sometimes a person who is frightened of something will speak about it trying to make themselves right. That way they hope that they will find validity with the masses.

How do you know that your wife could not tolerate all the sex you would want?......I do know that your habit will grow as you age and be harder to control. I also know that you probably will develop sexual dysfunction before the average age of a male if you pleasure yourself more than you should. Part of a male aging is having a female stimulate him and that is not by a computer.

My husband saw Porn when he was young and went to nudie places and the whole bit. But that was when he was young and as he aged and we married he put away his toys and grew. I understand that some people do enjoy Porn and I have no problem with this but moderation in life on any of our passion's is truly the best guideline...

[MiniVanMan]

Well...

ChelseaRenee:
One the one hand, no it's not that hard partly because there's never been an opportunity for me to cheat. But also, when I married her our sex drives were much more compatible. It's gotten to the point in the last 12 years or so where she would be just fine never having sex again. *That* is difficult, and drives me to all kinds of marriage-killing thoughts. If you'd like more details see an earlier thread where I talked more about this.

whilhelm:
I'm glad you made the point of saying that you are not trying to offend, that really does help. To address your points:

1. My wife and I aren't avoiding the issue of our disparate sex drives. We've discussed it at length many times, including with a marriage counselor. Porn isn't the problem, it's just the bandaid.

2. Actually, she says that about getting drunk and picking up chicks more in jest than anything else. She also says "Good lord, look at the hooters on that chick!" sometimes also.

I think the best case scenario for her is for me to have zero sex drive (or for her to have equal drive to mine). I'm curious, what are the other/better options you had in mind?

CarolineWH:
I woudn't say porn is holding our marriage together, but jeez, when I met my wife I wanted sex twice a day. Now I'm lucky to get it once a month. That is *very, very difficult to deal with*.

I know she couldn't tolerate all the sex I want because she's told me so, more than once. From your perspective, how do you suggest I handle this? I truly interested in your thoughts here.

And just let me say "Wow!" to your statement that "you probably will develop sexual dysfunction before the average age of a male if you pleasure yourself more than you should." Where does that come from? I've never heard that before. Do you have a reference where I can read up on this? If this is true I want to know more. Honestly I do.

All great and interesting responses. Thank you all for making me think more about this.

- MiniVanMan