[mysticfire]

This has been on my mind for a while now- years? I have been married (my second) to a wonderful husband for over 10 years. He is respectful, honest, a good father to his two kids (from a previous marriage), not abusive in any way- except a bit controlling. He doesn't like it when I spend time with my female friends. He thinks, well, I would rather be with them than him. Sounds like a self esteem issue. But that's another story. Like I said, he is a wonderful man. Just doesn't know how to bring me to orgasm- nor am I able to tell him. Really. I don't have words to direct him. He is an engineer by trade. So he wants me to give detailed instructions on how to best achieve the outcome. Just the thought of that turns me off. So, when ever we do have sex I tell him to finish. Don't worry about me.
I was reading the thread by Minivan man about not wanting to have sex with his wife until she Wanted to have sex with him. Sounds like my man. Then MV Man found out his wife was getting herself off 2-3 times a week- no problem. Sounds like me. Typically, I will wait 'til my husband leaves for work, then turn on my favorite Pandora station, and masturbate with a Form2 vibe. In my own headspace there is no judgment, orders given or received, just my own feelings. I think this might be the important part. How I can just let go and Feel. If I want to move the vibe to change sensations- I do it myself. I don't have to communicate to anyone else.
I have read suggestions to use toys with my husband. Tried that. Cannot let go and Feel. I always think in my head- What is he going to think about how I am moving- especially if there's nothing he can do at the time to help me along. Touching me feels distracting when I am trying to concentrate on moving how it feels good. It's like the only way I can orgasm is when he is not around. Sounds pretty sad. Especially for our marriage. I have tried to be on top, but it just takes so long and very little sensations. His words are- "Nothing I do can turn you on".
Been reading Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. She makes some sense saying how familiarity and intimacy are killers of desire. True lustful desire. Oh how I would love to feel desired again. To be ravished by my man. He seems too polite to do that. I don't know what to do. Shall I just be content with the house, car, job, health that I have and give up on hoping for sexual satisfaction with my husband?

[Motorguy]

All I read here is you have just accepted the fact your husband is not good in bed. That he can't give you that orgasm during sex.So now you just figure you get off by your self with toys the next day while husband at work. That to me is not a marriage but just going through all the motion. My self bring the toy with you to bed, tell your husband you are tired of the same old routine you need more with the sex life. My idea would send the kids away to grand parents or friends house for the weekend. Then just tell husband we need to add spark back into the bedroom and just enjoy good old love making along with the toy. You can show your husband what really feels good to you and so on. Not just wham bam and done sex you been having for a while now, that only one person is having a orgasm. Like that's really is fair for only him. My other idea would seek professional help with a sex therphist. I do wish you good luck, but nothing will ever change till you speak up and tell your husband how you really feel about the sex in the marriage.

[jns]

It sounds like you can surrender yourself when using toys by yourself but not with your husband. Have you tried abstaining for a while to build up your desire and sensitivity? Have you ever told your husband to do whatever he wants to do? Is he ever completely spontaneous?

[JessyJess]

I used to be exactly the same. The only change i needed was an internal change i side of me. It had npthing to do with my husband.
You just have to learn how to open up and let go. If you need i would even recommend therapy for that. After that believe me, you'll be fine.

[Lexhill]

Seems to me like both of you are bringing to much thought and pressure to the bedroom. This can cause problems in so many ways. The tip to get some time off for just the 2 of you and use the time to drop all thoughts and pressures before going in to the bedroom to have fun. Don't worry about the orgasm and things that are not as it is supposed to. Both of you need to take down every guard and enjoy each other with the thought that I would like to learn how to rock his/her world.

I have understood that for most people this is a very hard step to take. But I do believe that if you manage it will loosen things up quite a bit.

[Stillness]

Oh how I would love to feel desired again. To be ravished by my man. He seems too polite to do that. I don't know what to do. Shall I just be content with the house, car, job, health that I have and give up on hoping for sexual satisfaction with my husband?

Passion is contagious. Are you passionate? If you aren't going to communicate with words, can you at least do it with action?

[mysticfire]

Thank you all for your comments. JessyJess- learning to let go sure is something I do need to do. I used to feel more relaxed and sensual with prior partners. Lacking much foreplay these days doesn't help. For a woman, most of her arousal happens in her head before the actual coupling. There again- he wants direction- even for foreplay.
Jns- I would Love for him to be totally spontaneous. I have mentioned before "Why don't you just take me. Throw me down on the bed and have your way with me?" He says, "but I've never been like that". Like I'm asking him to be someone he's not. So What? On trying to abstain getting myself off for a while- I could't even imagine it. I got all built up with tension and aggravated when we had four days off on a row and I had no alone time. Torture!
Lexhill- the kids have lived with their mom. One has moved into her own apartment. So we actually have quite a bit of alone time together. Sometimes (ok. a lot of the time) it feels like we are roommates. But isn't that common with most long term relationships? My doctor put me on Wellbutrin just so I don't feel like crying every day. Now I can just accept things as they are without feeling so depressed. We do not have mental health coverage on our insurance plan, and don't have $300 extra every week to see a therapist. I buy books and read to try to help. Loved 50 Shades of Grey trilogy. Because it was written accurately from a woman's perspective. I could identify with Ana's feelings. I tried to have hubby read it to no avail. He hates reading. Especially anything that would be instructional. Likens it to school or college.(!!??!) He wants me to give instructions myself. But some authors can lay down backstories and explanations better than I can. One book like that in particular was "A Billion Wicked Thoughts" by a couple of researchers delving into the topic of what turns different people on. Extremely accurate. Nope. Will not read.

[Stillness]

Sometimes (ok. a lot of the time) it feels like we are roommates. But isn't that common with most long term relationships?

I don't think it has to be that way. It's 15 years for us and things are more passionate than ever. My cousin was just telling me how embarrassing his parents are after 40 years because they're so "in love." He went on to tell me how he and some friends stayed the night and they couldn't even give it a rest and they could hear them upstairs.

And regardless of what's common, if it's not what you want you might have to do uncomfortable things to get it. Divorce is common. People being married on paper is common. But you can have passion regardless of how long you've been married. How about you take him and show him how passion feels.

[Motorguy]

Very well said Stillness, I couldn't agree more. I feel many couples just give up to easy on marriage. Instead of working and keeping that spark alive in the marriage.

[Lexhill]

But isn't that common with most long term relationships? .

This sentence is something I fear. The reason for that is that it makes it acceptable to not constantly work to improve things. When you stop trying to improve your relationship, I thinks it's the start of the end.

We humans almost always need a goal to work for. When this goal is gone things usually start to fall apart. You can even see this when it comes to death. An example is a old couple where one dies. Very often the other one dies within a short while. There are of course many who don't and find new goals in their lives.

Seems to me like you are trying hard to ignite something and that's great. I feel like he is not participating in this thought. Is the bedroom passion something that was there once but have disappeared or has it never been there? Has your husband ever enjoyed sex or was there a point where he lost his sexual appetite?

I'm no master in how to get positive reactions at this my self, but I feel it as my most important part of my life to help my wife figure this out. She as well has kinda removed the sex life from her priorities, to my extreme frustration. But for me it has helped to show her in conversation and action how important sex is for me in our relationship. As well as trying to learn what things she react on. I've once asked her when the last time I triggered her sexually. She could not remember. She started to feel that it was her fault, but I clearly said that its my fault and I need to learn over again what triggers her. I've done corrections and adjustments which have seemed to help a little, but still a work in progress. As she have been breast feeding our kid and all that comes with a newborn the first year I've been fighting a uphill battle but it seems to become better.

I shared this with you so you can extract what you feel from my story. But I would suggest to rediscover your husband and try to figure out his thoughts on the subject and if they have changed at any time.

When it comes to what you refer to as his self esteem problems. This is a issue that needs to be addressed. Is he aware of his own problems? Does he know what causes them? Talking from experience and knowledge our self esteem can be improved by making sure maslow's law is filled. read up on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. What's important to know is that it builds. Without physiological needs meet, it's hard to acquire the safety and so on. Since you can not afford a therapist. You need to use each other reassure each others needs. Read up on this things. Maybe it can help you out a little.