[KvR017]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and 8 months. Im 18 he's 21. I've met him at a young age and we both lost out virginities to each other. So you know how much that means to both of us. We love each other to death and have done so many things together. we even gave each other promise rings, and he would tell me how much he would be glad to marry me in the future. We have been having a very healthy relationship, we would argue here and there, have are disagreements, but we pull through. now putting that aside, Me and him have had a struggled past. About all of the positive said in the beggining. That was before I moved. I had moved a while ago but only about 85 miles away. We see each other like maybe once of twice a month. He would drive and hour and a half to come get me and drive all the way back to his place and have me stay there for about a week. We would have sex the first day I go to his place. and we would have alot of it during that week. i'd say we would have sex about 4-5 times that week. maybe 3. We would do anything for each other. Now. Here's the problem. Before I moved, i remember recently looking through his phone, and saw ALOT of porn saved, and looked up through his history. There was alot of fetish type things in there I saw, like hentai for example. Just alot of saved porn. And I asked him "what is this?" He says before he met me he would watch alot of porn, which I can understand that. But why still have them? Anyways he got rid of it and said it wouldn't happen again. But that was a while ago. Now, my problem here is a bit complicated. One day I snooped. Just out of curiosity. And I saw a couple of porn videos saved to his phone. I got Instantly mad a jealous. I remember asking him "have you been watching anything?" And he said no. So I got mad and blabbered out things like "am i not good enough? What do these girls have that I don't? You rather see a chick do stuff then me?" Do do a bad job in keeping you from looking at that?" (Which I send him alot of nudes and videos of myself) now, I have calmed down to the fact that he told me he only watched it once a week. He usually would tell me how these pornstars are ridiculous.
Which i kinda find bs. But I trust him. He tells me it gets boring sometimes, he would rather have me, I'm way better because I'm real and I'm not fake like them, that he watches it because hes bored and or thinks of me when he watches it. Or he watches it because it's something he wants to do with me. Stated from that, I need to know if that's possible for a guy to be like that? I am an understanding person, and I can understand he watches porn because I'm not there. But once a week? Should I believe that? I always hear that men need it like 3 times a week haha. Here's another thing, I saw on a porn site that I know he goes on, I saw certain porn stars he looked up, and I asked him "hey, do you look up pornstars?" His reaction was "uhmmm no?" And I was like "oh, haha Ok because I see.alot of them on your searches" and he says "oh, that? It was probably from a while ago" now you would instantly think like "he just lied, is he like trying to hide it?" "why would he look certain ones up?? Am I like not good enough?" And here is goes, that feeling all over again. I looked at them and they all looked alike. Small white girls, doing anal. 5.3 and weighed 199 pounds. And me myself I am 5,5 and weigh 155, I'm a small petite girl, and would love to do anything for him. I tend to his fantasies. Every single one of them, he tells me how good I am and how much I take good care of him. Usually me and him would play with each other through video chat and see each other play with ourselves and i would use my toy. he would tell me how I have such a nice body and how sexy I am. he would also say that after our sex session. saying how sexy i was doing him a favor. Now that video sex we used to do all the time, now it's kinda rare for me and him to do that and I asked him what's been going on lately, why haven't we done things to please each other. He would say he doesn't wanna ask alot because he doesn't wanna make it seem like all he wants from me is sex, and I told him anytime he asks I'll be up for it. All he said was.ok.. I think he doesn't ask because I'm.boring or wants to see different things. He did tell me he watches it because of the different angles, and it shows what he likes to see but that's it. now explain that once a week thing? Haha, anyways, he looks at others doing his fantasies, woman he only looks at when on porn. He told me every guy has a list of pornstars. And I'm just here like "why look at them when you have me" he says things like "your better than them, their fake, I'm a guy i do guy things, it's only a fantasy, I'm with you for a reason, if I wanted them I would have left you a while ago" . We got In an argument and he told me he felt like he can't be a guy around me because of my reaction. and that's not what I want. at all. maybe I'm young and dont fully undertand men?? Idk. I felt bad. In out arguemnt, I asked him why he has the videos and photos of me still if he only watches porn during the week and he says "because I like them and I don't only watch porn, I like looking at your stuff to".. as you can tell I have alot to say lol! I need help from you guys to help me undestand what this problem I have, is??

[Ashlee T.]

Hmmm. First of all, if I were him I'd be very insulted that you snooped on me. If your relationship is good, you trust him, he trusts you, why snoop through his things? Then question him, like a nosey mother, to catch him in a lie? Most people who masturbate whether it involves porn or not don't go around openly discussing it. It's private and very personal. Being questioned about it to the extent that you are would be very off putting to me.

Second, it sounds like you're not being clear with him about what you want. If he admits to doing it, what difference does it make if it's once a week or three times a week? Do you tell him every time you masturbate?

If your issue is jealousy over him looking and enjoying other women, then just blatantly tell him so. I have a jealous side, so I get that. But tell him that. I think he's trying to be honest with you but it's not good enough. If I watch porn (I'm a woman), it's not because I'm turned on by the guy in the porn, it's not because I wish I were with him, it's because the situation itself turns me on and helps me "get the job done". Sometimes people masturbate purely to get off, for release and a little porn might just assist in that. I ADORE my boyfriend and do not want any other man in my bed.

Stop snooping. Stop questioning him like he's a child getting caught in his bedroom with his pants down. Go back to sexy video chats, send him an unexpected naughty picture on some days, focus on making your time together incredible. If your relationship is truly as strong as you say it is, then my goodness......don't ruin it over something like that. And if you keep snooping and keep questioning, that's exactly what you'll do.

[Lexhill]

As a man my self I know that some times it's exciting seeing something else. It's not that you don't love your SO it's just something else. And I do understand him in you being better. I'm like that my self, porn can have different things and it's a new thing. Ok to watch at material, but it's not a wish to be with them. Being jealous over it does not help. He had told you he would like to watch it with you. Have you done that? Searching certain porn stars can be everything from getting back to a video you liked or to find others videos under the same category. Same as hollywood movies some actors does a better job in certain category's. I've been in a long distance relationship my self. I did the same as him watched my SO some times and other times porn. Watching my SO was always more special and felt psychologically better. But sometimes porn gives a variety wanted.

Seems to me that you should stop being insecure and jealous about this. Maybe try it with him, if your up to it. Seems that you might be. His lies can be white lies to not hurt you, at least I would guess so from your story. When it comes to frequency of your sex video chat, take control of it and start it your self. You seem to know his wish for freqency. Turn it up a notch find new exiting ideas for your chat sessions. The same thing over and over again can get stale.

The last ting I would say is try to talk with him without spying on him and let him talk without getting hurt, sad or mad. But just a good conversations. Maybe after a few times he will open up more as his not afraid of hurting you or getting you mad.

Hopefully you guys can work it out.

[Stillness]

If my woman was watching other men and masturbating I'd be jealous. I think that's a legitimate feeling and you have the right to expect your man not to. Unfortunately, the 20-something men that don't watch porn in 2016 are probably few and far between.

Every man does not have a porn star list, but it may be much more common in your generation. He and his friend probably do, so there may be some truth to what he's saying. I went through a porn phase in my early 20's into my marriage. The only reason I watched it when I was married was because I wasn't getting enough from my wife, though. When the loving is right, I have no desire to watch other women.

That's me. Every man is different. I'd say forget about other men and other women and figure out what you and your man want and expect and where you can and can't compromise.

Best wishes and WELCOME!

[atskitty2]

I agree with the others, but I do want to go another level here, and encourage you to decide whether or not this is something that you are willing to live with long term. He may always be interested in porn. Is that OK with you?<br />
<br />
You cannot change him, and it is unfair to try or to expect that. If YOU have a problem with porn, then you need to work through it, or part ways. It is unreasonable to expect him to completely stop something that may be a "need" for him.<br />
It has nothing to do with you, how satisfied he is, or how much he cares for you. From what you've indicated, it doesn't seem like he has any serious issues in his porn usage.<br />
<br />
There are deal breakers for us all. What is a deal breaker for you? I sense there's an attachment and strong bond here, so please be wise in your choices. If this isn't OK with you, you owe it to yourself, and him, to cut him loose. You cannot change him or his needs and preferences. What often happens when we try that, is the person just gets more adept at deceptive behavior. Eventually it comes to light, and the hurt and damage is much deeper then.

[KvR017]

Thanks you guys! It means alot to hear your feedback on this. I don't purposly snoop on his stuff just to get mad at him. I just have a tendency to look at it at times. As far as talking to him, it's very hard. When me and him are apart and I talk to him about these he would yell at me, tell me I'm retarded, that this argument is stupid and a waste of time to explain to me.. he can be very condescending and I can never be happy with any answers that follows my questioning feelings. Now when me and him are together it's the complete opposite. Which makes me happy, and the reason why I'm so upset over this is because he can be a totally different person to me then when I'm actually there with him. After all of that said, I dont mind him watching porn, every guy is gonna do it. I can't help the thoughts in my head if im even good enough, even though he reassured me all the time, it still gets to me. I hate the fact that he knows pornstars names by Hesrt and watches them. It makes me feel bad about myself. And I can't help it. I am young and I'm probably still learning the guys mind set. It's just hard to except. I wasn't as jealous as I was before I moved. I wasn't this insecure. I was always understanding and supportive when me and him lived near each other. But things changed. I know I can't tell him to stop watching porn, I watch it myself. It's most likely jealousy but I can't help it Honestly. I hate being so far and have "oh he's probably jacking off right now" voice in my head. :/ because I would do anything to please him whenever he wants. I'm just that open about it.

[KvR017]

And honestly, we spoke about watching porn together but I haven't made up my mind yet if I should try it. I'm still wondering. He would say that he doesn't mind doing it unless his partner was Ok with it (me) and that's very open minded of him which I appreciate. Let's me know he doesn't care either way and not has he even been interested in that, otherwise he would ask me to watch it with him. I brought it up and all he would do is understand. Makes me feel more comfortable.

[Lexhill]

I know my last post focused more on what you could do. I do however think he should be more open to talk about this when you bring it up. For him to be condescending is not acceptable. The fact that he is less compliant to talk about it over the phone/Internet vs. in person makes me wonder what he thinks. Stillness says you have every right to be jealous and you do. For me being jealous is a feeling that can be healthy in certain situations. But often for me I think it's a feeling generating more problems than it solves. When it comes to being hurt or jealous about him jacking off, that is just not ok. It's his body not yours, you will never own his right to pleasure himself. That's his right, as well as yours. and the other way around. food for thought, if you should be able to control his own time means you would need to go above and beyond to pleasure him at his wish. Being at work would not be a excuse. And that is the same for you. He will never own your right to masturbate. He is just lucky enough to get to help you some times.

However you both need to respect each other and come to agreement about where your boundaries are. I found that boundaries should be discussed at intervals as they shift as time passes. But as a couple these should be an open discussion. And no one should be forced to something they don't want.

I'm a little over 10 years older that you. My view is that I would be happy if my wife masturbated without me. As I know that usually sexual stimulance increases sex drive.

Other than that I would like to tell you KvR017, I am impressed by your openness and willingness to talk with your boyfriend. Many people are not able to do this, and many learn it way to late. Your boyfriend seems to lack some of your ability there. However I would try to adjust a little on your jealousy, but again it's your right to control your own feelings, and wishes.

[Ashlee T.]

I dated a guy once who was looking at porn and masturbating every day. Then, our sex life suffered because he was so dang use to his hand and the porn type of stimulation that he couldn't even keep it up for the real thing. THAT was a problem.

I don't see that with your guy, unless there is more to the story. It seems like he's into you and that your sex life is healthy. I have to tell you though, if someone was snooping through my things and then confronting me about them I'd bite back a bit too. It's understandable that he'd be defensive and very irritated by it. Isn't it also condescending for you to ask him a question you already know the answer to, just to try to catch him in a lie? He's not stupid....he knows why you're asking....he knows it's not some sort of just random question.

I think the bottom line is that you are insecure in this relationship. Insecurity is unattractive and it WILL push someone away. At the same time, you have to truly listen to your gut and not ignore things that are red flags to you. The key is determining which things are important red flags and which things are your insecurity rearing it's head. It's awesome that you're seeing that and are reaching out to us to try to find a way to fix it. You seem like a great gal.

[Motorguy]

I agree with everyone here KVR. Stop with the snooping on your boy friend either you trust him or not. Myself instead of getting mad over boy friend watching porn make it every once in a while, be like hey let's watch porn together when when having sex. It can get you in the mood and it could even teach you some stuff as well. Just be happy the boy friend is not wanting to be with other girls when you're away he's only into you. But if you keep snooping and confronting him about the porn. He may just say forget this relationship and move on from you completely. So like your boy friend said it's all fantasy for him not reality.