Hi, sorry to read about your lack of feeling down there, it must be frustrating.
I don't know if I can be of much help but can I first ask a few questions?
1. What exactly are you expecting to experience during an orgasm? I ask because you said "a final small good sensation that lasts literally less than a second and then nothing". How do you know that's not an orgasm? It sounds like one to me. Not every orgasm has you screaming and shaking all over, but it's still an orgasm if you reach a peak. Maybe it's a question of adjusting your expectations? Don't believe anything you see in porn, anything Internet "sex gurus" write about their amazing orgasms, or anything your partners tell you about how much pleasure you should be feeling. Work with what you have, then maybe you can build from it rather than feeling constantly disappointed.
2. Are you on any long term medication, e.g. anti-depressants? Some medications are known to reduce feeling in your clitoris and vagina. If that's the case, your doctor is your first port of call.
3. How do you know your partner's oral skills are any good? If it's just from what he's telling you ("I'm great at giving head, I make all my girlfriends cum") don't listen to a word. He's boasting. Maybe he really doesn't know what he's doing. My husband thought he'd done loads of research on it so he must be very good, and I believed him. Now having been with another man, I know he was actually pretty useless.
3. How wet do you get when you masturbate? I wonder if you're simply a bit dry naturally, which doesn't help with stimulation and can make things uncomfortable. If that's the case, adding some lubricant to your fingers or your toys might help.
Personally I would say, don't expect to feel good with a partner until you have learned how to pleasure yourself. If you can't make yourself cum reliably and consistently, stimulating the clitoris in a way that works for you, you can't expect a partner to find some hidden button. They don't know what you're feeling, they have to be guided, be it fingers or tongue (or both at the same time). How are you going to guide them if you're not sure what works for you?
You asked about clitoral stimulation. I'm no expert, I only know what works for me, but I do believe it's different for every woman. Some like more direct stimulation, some prefer peripheral. Personally when aroused I find that my clit becomes too sensitive for direct stimulation, especially after the first orgasm. I prefer to use two fingers in a V shape round the base, either in a side-to-side motion or up and down, depending what feels right at the time. I like to regularly wet my fingers with saliva, not so much because I'm not lubricated enough (thankfully I produce a lot of fluids) but I find that saliva changes the level of friction and therefore stimulation. Additionally, the act of licking my fingers is quite erotic as I get to taste and smell myself at the same time, so there's a lovely sensory exchange between my mouth, my nose and my vagina.
Once my fingers are wet with saliva, I give a few slow strokes up and down, still only rubbing the sides of my clit but extending further to my outer lips, mixing the saliva with my vaginal lubricant and exploring different sensations around my vulva. I occasionally insert a finger as well, but never for very long as I've never been able to cum from fingering alone. However I like feeling the warmth and moisture inside, and if I've already had a few orgasms I often find that a thicker fluid has built up inside me, which tastes delicious so I like coating my finger with it and eating it. This really helps maintain my arousal levels so I can keep the orgasms going.
To me, the multi-sensory nature of masturbation is essential to my pleasure. It can't be just based on touch. Smell, taste and sound are really important too. Even listening to the wet sounds I produce, or the moans that naturally come out of me, can be very arousing, so I never masturbate listening to music for example, and if I'm watching porn I keep the volume quite low. I love hearing myself.
That's a good point actually: do you watch porn? It doesn't always work for me and in some cases it's actually distracting and counter-productive, but if I'm in the right mood, a bit of imagery can get me going initially. Then usually I can switch it off after the first orgasm and carry on without it. Since you're quite insecure about your own orgasms, maybe don't watch women masturbating. Maybe some good male masturbation videos? I can send you some links if you want, I have a great playlist on my laptop. I like really heavy ejaculations, either solo or into a woman's mouth, I find the imagery really arousing - but you need to find something that works for you.
One thing I discovered over the years is that it doesn't help to rush, to chase after an orgasm. Particularly in your case, where orgasms aren't particularly satisfying anyway, perhaps you need to stop "looking for something", slow yourself down, give yourself plenty of time and focus on anything you can do that feels even remotely pleasant. But if you do find a motion that feels good, don't get fixated on it. You still need to alternate, come out of that motion for a bit, do something for a few seconds that perhaps doesn't feel as good but involves different senses, then go back to the nice movement and you'll find that it feels even more intense than before. It's basically like teasing yourself until you are begging for one particular action. Then, and only then, deliver it in full for a sustained amount of time, and you should reach orgasm. Whatever "orgasm" is for you. No point in describing how it feels to me, as it's a personal thing.
No doubt you'll find my advice as useless as the rest so I apologise in advance. I just hope there's something in there you can think about.
I don't know if I can be of much help but can I first ask a few questions?
1. What exactly are you expecting to experience during an orgasm? I ask because you said "a final small good sensation that lasts literally less than a second and then nothing". How do you know that's not an orgasm? It sounds like one to me. Not every orgasm has you screaming and shaking all over, but it's still an orgasm if you reach a peak. Maybe it's a question of adjusting your expectations? Don't believe anything you see in porn, anything Internet "sex gurus" write about their amazing orgasms, or anything your partners tell you about how much pleasure you should be feeling. Work with what you have, then maybe you can build from it rather than feeling constantly disappointed.
2. Are you on any long term medication, e.g. anti-depressants? Some medications are known to reduce feeling in your clitoris and vagina. If that's the case, your doctor is your first port of call.
3. How do you know your partner's oral skills are any good? If it's just from what he's telling you ("I'm great at giving head, I make all my girlfriends cum") don't listen to a word. He's boasting. Maybe he really doesn't know what he's doing. My husband thought he'd done loads of research on it so he must be very good, and I believed him. Now having been with another man, I know he was actually pretty useless.
3. How wet do you get when you masturbate? I wonder if you're simply a bit dry naturally, which doesn't help with stimulation and can make things uncomfortable. If that's the case, adding some lubricant to your fingers or your toys might help.
Personally I would say, don't expect to feel good with a partner until you have learned how to pleasure yourself. If you can't make yourself cum reliably and consistently, stimulating the clitoris in a way that works for you, you can't expect a partner to find some hidden button. They don't know what you're feeling, they have to be guided, be it fingers or tongue (or both at the same time). How are you going to guide them if you're not sure what works for you?
You asked about clitoral stimulation. I'm no expert, I only know what works for me, but I do believe it's different for every woman. Some like more direct stimulation, some prefer peripheral. Personally when aroused I find that my clit becomes too sensitive for direct stimulation, especially after the first orgasm. I prefer to use two fingers in a V shape round the base, either in a side-to-side motion or up and down, depending what feels right at the time. I like to regularly wet my fingers with saliva, not so much because I'm not lubricated enough (thankfully I produce a lot of fluids) but I find that saliva changes the level of friction and therefore stimulation. Additionally, the act of licking my fingers is quite erotic as I get to taste and smell myself at the same time, so there's a lovely sensory exchange between my mouth, my nose and my vagina.
Once my fingers are wet with saliva, I give a few slow strokes up and down, still only rubbing the sides of my clit but extending further to my outer lips, mixing the saliva with my vaginal lubricant and exploring different sensations around my vulva. I occasionally insert a finger as well, but never for very long as I've never been able to cum from fingering alone. However I like feeling the warmth and moisture inside, and if I've already had a few orgasms I often find that a thicker fluid has built up inside me, which tastes delicious so I like coating my finger with it and eating it. This really helps maintain my arousal levels so I can keep the orgasms going.
To me, the multi-sensory nature of masturbation is essential to my pleasure. It can't be just based on touch. Smell, taste and sound are really important too. Even listening to the wet sounds I produce, or the moans that naturally come out of me, can be very arousing, so I never masturbate listening to music for example, and if I'm watching porn I keep the volume quite low. I love hearing myself.
That's a good point actually: do you watch porn? It doesn't always work for me and in some cases it's actually distracting and counter-productive, but if I'm in the right mood, a bit of imagery can get me going initially. Then usually I can switch it off after the first orgasm and carry on without it. Since you're quite insecure about your own orgasms, maybe don't watch women masturbating. Maybe some good male masturbation videos? I can send you some links if you want, I have a great playlist on my laptop. I like really heavy ejaculations, either solo or into a woman's mouth, I find the imagery really arousing - but you need to find something that works for you.
One thing I discovered over the years is that it doesn't help to rush, to chase after an orgasm. Particularly in your case, where orgasms aren't particularly satisfying anyway, perhaps you need to stop "looking for something", slow yourself down, give yourself plenty of time and focus on anything you can do that feels even remotely pleasant. But if you do find a motion that feels good, don't get fixated on it. You still need to alternate, come out of that motion for a bit, do something for a few seconds that perhaps doesn't feel as good but involves different senses, then go back to the nice movement and you'll find that it feels even more intense than before. It's basically like teasing yourself until you are begging for one particular action. Then, and only then, deliver it in full for a sustained amount of time, and you should reach orgasm. Whatever "orgasm" is for you. No point in describing how it feels to me, as it's a personal thing.
No doubt you'll find my advice as useless as the rest so I apologise in advance. I just hope there's something in there you can think about.
Get The Newsletter
Comment