[easygoing]

Stress can kill getting in the mood for sex. In this case, she was willing, but you were stressed out. You said you believed in use it or lose it. How did you continue to use it during that time?

Thanks JNS, well we switched to mainly having sex in the morning but this time in our lives coincided with my wife's VERY difficult menopause so there wasn't much activity. As mentioned, and I'm not trying to be disrespectful here, she seems to have conveniently forgotten the menopause factor and only seems to remember that we had differing timetables. That time was the start of the demise in our sexual activity. As I said in my original post though, I have never stopped masturbating at any time (with the exception of about 6 months whilst taking anti-anxiety medication) in the past 60 years. That's how I continued to use it during that time.

[Texasred]

I think it's great that you could have this conversation with your wife; i know I couldn't without it turning into a discussion of all the things i do wrong. But since you've gotten this far, couldn't you suggest or request that she help you out occasionally so the sex wouldn't be such a solitary thing? Maybe she could do the stroking for you? You could promise her something in return?

[atskitty2]

I think sometimes we aren't in the mood for sex on the surface, but if there's some stimulation, it can get us going. I think that's true for men and women. Of course there's a fine line there between being flirty and seductive and just being a jerk, but it is something to consider.

Was she suggesting that she would prefer sex at night?

[Texasred]

Thanks! Unfortunately, there's little chance of that. She's not really into 'sex' that much that sh'e agree to that. She keeps telling me that "I dwell on things too much and that I should be more accepting of things and chill out".

She saw a specialist some years ago about it and she was prescribed Vagifem, which is an Oestrogen supplement. Made little difference though.

There are other hormones besides estrogen in women; testosterone is also an important part of their hormonal systems and needs to be in balance, just as estrogen is present in men, and needs to be at the right levels. My doctor tests me for both E and T, and explained why in great detail when I asked. I absorbed some small part of that explanation, and summarized it in my mind as "it's important." :-)

But I really do think you ought to try to get your wife involved in your mutual sex lives.

[easygoing]

I think it's great that you could have this conversation with your wife; i know I couldn't without it turning into a discussion of all the things i do wrong. But since you've gotten this far, couldn't you suggest or request that she help you out occasionally so the sex wouldn't be such a solitary thing? Maybe she could do the stroking for you? You could promise her something in return?

Thanks Red,
That's exactly the problem, when I attempt conversations on our sexuality (or pretty much any subject really) she becomes extremely defensive... it usually ends up with her turning things back on me. In my experience, and I'm sure in her opinion, almost every issue we've had in our 50 years together has been my fault. As far as involving her, we do still have sex but not very often. Intercourse these days is quite different for a number of ageing reasons and usually forms part of our foreplay rather than the main-play. She's never been able to reach orgasm without the use of a vibrator. We have his/hers vibrators and unless she has one I'm not aware of stashed away, she's not using hers at the moment.

[easygoing]

I think sometimes we aren't in the mood for sex on the surface, but if there's some stimulation, it can get us going. I think that's true for men and women. Of course there's a fine line there between being flirty and seductive and just being a jerk, but it is something to consider.

Was she suggesting that she would prefer sex at night?

Thanks Kitty,
Yep I get the fact we're not always in the mood for sex. As mentioned I'm rarely in the mood at night. But I have tried and the reality is one becomes hesitant to continue trying when the usual response is a polite refusal. The point is though, and I don't want to come across as 'holy'er than thou' I'm prepared to give anything a go to maintain (improve) our sexual relations. This isn't something that's occurred recently, it's been (to me) an issue for many years. God knows I've tried, I've bought her every vibrator she's ever owned (I think) and I've bought female friendly porn (on her advice and approval). I once bought 5 lady friendly porn DVD's and we got 15 minutes into the first one and she lost all interest. Having said all this, the other side of our marriage is extremely positive. We generally get on well and I believe she does still love me. I've always loved her from the moment I first set eyes on her all those years ago.

[easygoing]

There are other hormones besides estrogen in women; testosterone is also an important part of their hormonal systems and needs to be in balance, just as estrogen is present in men, and needs to be at the right levels. My doctor tests me for both E and T, and explained why in great detail when I asked. I absorbed some small part of that explanation, and summarized it in my mind as "it's important." :-)

But I really do think you ought to try to get your wife involved in your mutual sex lives.

Hi Red,
You're very fortunate you're open to seeking help. Without labouring on the subject, if I was to suggest seeking assistance I'd get a response like, "Tony, you think too much about things, we're not kids anymore and it's normal to have our libido drop as we age. Just calm down." or something like that.

When it comes to myself, some years ago I went to my (then current) GP and despite the extreme embarrassment, admitted I was having trouble with my libido. he questioned me and I admitted I was often unable to reach orgasm even when masturbating. I asked about a testosterone test and he said testosterone supplements increased the risk of prostate cancer. The silly prick gave me some samples of Viagra. I did try it and all it managed to do was give me a headache :-)

I agree about involving my wife but for all the reasons on my posts I'm not confident.

[atskitty2]

Well, it seems like you have a communication issue as much as a sexual one then. If she gets defensive even with attempts to discuss, then I would consider making a change there, in the approach and words used. ?? I'm not sure how to help you there since I don't know what you're saying. Maybe a counselor could walk you through some new tools for better communication.

My statement in the last post, was mainly directed at your wife. Sometimes I think we are tired and don't want to, but once there's some stimulating event, we can easily be turned on.

What I mean directly is, do you ever just make out with her? Just kiss, hold her and have no expectation of sex? Is the affection there outside of the bedroom? Is there cuddling on the couch, is there hands clasped in the car, or do you ever just kiss her in the kitchen?

Sounds so silly. Maybe she needs that. Have you ever asked her or tried being demonstrative with no objective?
Maybe you already are, I don't know. But maybe a whole new approach to affection in general could get the fire lit.

Maybe it won't. Worth a try.

I'm going into menopause myself...so I understand fully the trials that hormones can bring into our lives. After 20 yrs, I hope to forget completely this phase of life too.

[easygoing]

Well, it seems like you have a communication issue as much as a sexual one then. If she gets defensive even with attempts to discuss, then I would consider making a change there, in the approach and words used. ?? I'm not sure how to help you there since I don't know what you're saying. Maybe a counselor could walk you through some new tools for better communication.

I can't imagine what else I could say to make it any easier.

My statement in the last post, was mainly directed at your wife. Sometimes I think we are tired and don't want to, but once there's some stimulating event, we can easily be turned on.

What I mean directly is, do you ever just make out with her? Just kiss, hold her and have no expectation of sex? Is the affection there outside of the bedroom? Is there cuddling on the couch, is there hands clasped in the car, or do you ever just kiss her in the kitchen?

Often! I agree and the truth is I've tried many times only to be refused for any number of reasons.

Sounds so silly. Maybe she needs that. Have you ever asked her or tried being demonstrative with no objective?
Maybe you already are, I don't know. But maybe a whole new approach to affection in general could get the fire lit.

You have no idea.

Maybe it won't. Worth a try.

I'm going into menopause myself...so I understand fully the trials that hormones can bring into our lives. After 20 yrs, I hope to forget completely this phase of life too.

See my responses to your questions and thank you. I'm at the point in our relationship where i see it all as futile unfortunately. Notwithstanding that, I love her and I'll keep trying.

[amy40]

Notwithstanding that, I love her and I'll keep trying.

there's an article on alternatives for older couples
search to see what age couples are able to still have sex
good luck