[chaya]

I have been living with my girlfriend and my husband for a long time. She is gay and has repeatedly said she would never have sex with a man. I work nights as a nurse at a nursing home and usually get home at 7 AM, last night an elderly lady I was good friends with passed away. I was so upset I couldn't stop crying so the on duty doctor told me to go home. I got home at about 3 AM and went straight upstairs. I heard noises coming from my bedroom and peeked around the door and saw my husband on top of Kiyomi having sex with her. I just snapped and started yelling and throwing things at them and was screaming I would kill them both. They tried to calm me down but I ran out and got in my car, I had drove only 1 block and crashed into a parked car. When people came running out I was sitting in my car crying. They took me to the hospital where they gave me something and when I woke up my head was bandaged, the nurse told me I had freaked out and hit my head on a desk. I called my aunt and had her pick up my daughter and went to her house where I am now. I don't know what to do now. I haven't told my aunt what had happened, only saying I had a accident.

[jns]

At least you are not seriously hurt from the accident.

Now you have come up with a decision on the situation. Kiyomi said that she was only interested in women but that obviously changed. Do you have any reason to believe that this has been ongoing? Not much need for birth control with another woman but with a man - yes. Is Kiyomi almost at the end of her studies and will she leave after that? Can you forgive your husband? Can you forgive Kiyomi? Would you have given him permission if he asked for it? I ask these questions because your relationship is different than most and you may have considered them before. The fact that you didn't tell your aunt indicates to me that you may be able to make peace with the situation if you are given the proper assurances.

[Ashlee T.]

Hey chaya. I'm sorry you've had such a traumatic experience. The painful part of cheating isn't the intercourse, it is the betrayal. I was afraid that eventually, this situation would come full circle and that your husband would rethink his generosity in being "okay" with you sleeping with someone else while he remained faithful. Monogamy is sometimes hard and if you're permitted to drift off that path with someone else (Kiyomi), then it's not surprising that your husband reaches a point where he feels he is entitled to that fun too. As jns said, your relationship situation has definitely been non-traditional and while that is perfectly okay in the right situation, it definitely blurs lines.

I'm not defending him. I will never think betrayal is okay. If they wanted to sleep together, they should have talked with you about it. Instead, they both betrayed your trust. I know that is so painful for you, as it would be for me too.

jns has asked some good and important questions you need to give some thought.

I'm glad you're okay.

[jns]

Had there been any flirting going on between your husband and Kiyomi? I remember that you found pictures of her on his phone or computer - I don't remember which, so I am pretty sure that he has been attracted to her for a long time. Had she ever said anything to make you think that she was attracted to your husband even though she professed to be only interested in women?

[atskitty2]

That's certainly an interesting post above by amy. Do you remember that time? Do you think this has been going on over 2 years?

I'll be interested to see the answers to jns questions. Glad you weren't more seriously injured from the accident. Hugs.

[chaya]

Chaya

sorry this was a shock for you and happy you didn't get seriously hurt in accident

often people forget what they have posted in past years so this may bring some perspective when you reread one of your previous posts:

https://www.womens-health.com/boards...-he-learned-it

I remember writing that and I meant it at the time. But I was in a much different mood when I caught them having sex. A close friend had died, hours before, in the nursing home under my care. Not that I was in any way responsible. When I caught them it was such a shock, I can't describe how I felt. Maybe I over reacted but what is done is done, I called my sister in Hawaii and told her everything. She told me whatever I decided she would support me and if I wanted she would come and help me. I am now concerned that Kiyomi might decide that the shame is too much and try to end her life. I had considered that myself but concern for my daughter overrides my upbringing. She has sent me long texts explaining that she only did it to get pregnant. She had told me many times she wanted to have a baby and even had suggested using my husbands sperm as she had great respect for him. In the end the vision of what I saw that night will always be with me, I even see it in my dreams.

[chaya]

At least you are not seriously hurt from the accident.

Now you have come up with a decision on the situation. Kiyomi said that she was only interested in women but that obviously changed. Do you have any reason to believe that this has been ongoing? Not much need for birth control with another woman but with a man - yes. Is Kiyomi almost at the end of her studies and will she leave after that? Can you forgive your husband? Can you forgive Kiyomi? Would you have given him permission if he asked for it? I ask these questions because your relationship is different than most and you may have considered them before. The fact that you didn't tell your aunt indicates to me that you may be able to make peace with the situation if you are given the proper assurances.

Kiyomi claims in her text that she has no interest in sex with men and only did it to get the sperm. I do remember her asking me if he would consider letting her use his sperm. I seem to remember asking her that if the only way he would agree was have sex with her, would she do that. I don't remember getting an answer. In all the time I have know her, she has never told me a lie about anything. I so much want to reach out to her but can't get past the horror of that night. Kiyomi could end her studies after this year. She has applied for permanent resident status and meets all the requirements and is sure to be accepted. "Can I forgive Kiyomi", of course I can, as a Buddhist I can forgive anything. I forgive the 2 men that raped me but I never want to see them again. I might have already answered your next question years ago. Under the right conditions I would have given my blessing to their union and might even have joined in. I haven't told my Aunt out of shame, I am not yet ready to consider continuing our relationships. Right now I picture myself returning to Hawaii but that's as far as I've gotten.

[jns]

Take a while to get a plan you can live with together in your mind. If you are concerned with Kiyomi, let her know that you haven't spread the information.

[chaya]

My husband came here to my aunts house, I had no choice but to talk to him. He was all apologetic and begging me to forgive him. I told him I had already forgiven him, then he asked me to come home. I asked him if Kiyomi was still sleeping with him, he said she has taken most of her clothes and moved out. This was a surprise to me, he didn't know where she was staying. She only has a few casual friends at school so it must be a hotel. I told him I would think about it and let him know what I decide.

Before I left for work I called Kiyome and she agreed to meet me at her motel in the morning after I get off work. I miss her and need her, I hope she feels the same way.

[atskitty2]

So, you miss her and want to be with her, over your husband? Will you stay with her, rather than your hubs?
How did the meeting go with her?