Wife Can't Orgasm

[jns]

My wife and I have known each other for 10 years. We have been married for 7 years. In the early years of our relationship, we would have some pretty ridiculous sex - she would come three times from intercourse in one session. She never had a clitoral orgasm during this time. After a year or so of dating, we decided to stop having sex until we were married. Fast forward to marriage and I'm beyond dreaming of the old days. Since we've been married, I've only been able to make her come by intercourse one time. After a long dry spell, she's now able to come by clitoral simulation. Why in the world are things so different? Any suggestions on how to bring things back to how they were? Thank you.

Instead of you setting the rhythm, have you tried to get her to orgasm with her on top setting the rhythm? If normal cowgirl or reverse cowgirl is too tiring, figure out a position that is less straining on her legs. Have her slow down or almost stop if you are approaching orgasm so you can stay hard longer. Maybe a way to work it would be to have her close to a clitoral orgasm before doing the above.

[Alison H.]

Hi Mr E,

There could be so many different factors at play, so I’m going to throw out a bunch of them in case any might apply to your wife’s situation.

I’m not sure how old she is, but the first thing that comes to mind is hormonal (whether due to menopause, perimenopause, or even just hormonal fluctuations in general). These can wreak havoc on desire and on a woman’s ability to even have an orgasm.

On that note, the overall condition of a woman’s health can also affect her ability to reach orgasm, too — whether it’s mental health (mood disorders or depression, and/or medications that treat those), past reproductive surgery (if she has had any), and even things like heart disease or other long-term health conditions can have an effect. This is especially true if one is taking meds — medications used to treat different conditions can ABSOLUTELY have an effect on someone’s ability to reach orgasm (for any gender). I imagine that in some ways, this might affect the way she can reach one, too (her clitoris might just be more receptive to stimulation, as opposed to her G-spot, for instance).

Another thing, it could be psychological. The mind is a pretty powerful thing — if she’s struggling with the way she looks at herself (either due to the way she’s changed since she was younger, or even worrying about her own performance in bed), that can create a mental block that can be difficult to overcome. This holds true for men, as well.

All of these things can affect a woman’s ability to orgasm or change the way they’re able to.

One thing that is worth considering, too — are you SURE that she was reaching orgasm in the early years of your relationship? Again, I don’t how old she is now compared to when you first got together, but if she was young (and inexperienced) at the start of your relationship, is it at all possible that she was faking it in the beginning?

I only suggest that because when things were new, she may have been worried about “letting you down” if she didn’t reach orgasm during sex, so she overcompensated by faking multiple orgasms each time. If that is the case, it’s possible that she was only able to come through clitoral stimulation — so she hasn’t “changed” at all, in that way. Or, she only recently discovered that she could reach a real orgasm and it’s through clitoral stimulation.

For what it’s worth, many women DO have to “learn” how to have an orgasm — it doesn’t always come easy (pardon the pun). And that can take a lot of time.

And too, if she was having orgasms in the early days, her body may have changed due to any of the above factors, and she’s had to re-learn how to have one.

[Mr E]

My wife and I have known each other for 10 years. We have been married for 7 years. In the early years of our relationship, we would have some pretty ridiculous sex - she would come three times from intercourse in one session. She never had a clitoral orgasm during this time. After a year or so of dating, we decided to stop having sex until we were married. Fast forward to marriage and I'm beyond dreaming of the old days. Since we've been married, I've only been able to make her come by intercourse one time. After a long dry spell, she's now able to come by clitoral simulation. Why in the world are things so different? Any suggestions on how to bring things back to how they were? Thank you.