[netzone23]

I'm a 39 Male and my fiancé is 40. when we have sex I barely feel any sensation or pleasure. She is also on birth control the patch. We don't use condoms due to latex issue. When my fiancé and I got together she was still a virgin, she's been waiting for the right guy. The first we times we had sex I felt some sensation and some pleasure but it eventually went away.

Before I met my fiancé I had been married 17 years. My wife passed away due to a heart condition two years ago. I took a year to grief and moved on with my life. My wife and I had a healthy sex life and she was very tight she did have an issue were we always had to use KY lubricant . My wife has been my only sexual partner besides my fiancé. What I'm wondering did my body get use to the same thing for many years and now that it is different Its causing me issues?

As a man I am below average but I have always been able to please my fiancé during sex my size for her was never an issue. During sex she gets very wet and I don't know if that is causing can issue with me feeling sensation and pleasure? My fiancé and I have open communication except for my issue I haven't told her about it. With her being able to enjoy sex and I can't that's the reason I haven't told her I didn't want her to feel bad or think its her fault which is it no ones fault. That's why I am here seeking advice on what I can do.

Thank You

[EmptyNester]

Have you tried different positiions? If she is flexibile, try having her pull her knees up to her chest with her legs together (you hold her ankles). That is about as tight as it gets with my wife.

[netzone23]

We have tried different positions but she isn't very flexible.

[EmptyNester]

I suppose doggy-style with her legs close together might the next best option. Curious to hear the ladies inputs here.

[Alison H.]

Hi Netzone,

It's hard to say for certain what is causing the decrease in sensation, but I'd say the first place to start is probably experimenting with different positions.

As EmptyNester suggested, any position that involves her keeping her legs close together may improve the amount of friction, and with it, sensation. During missionary, she can keep her legs together rather than spread apart or wrapped around your hips; same with rear-entry positions (or any other, for that matter) — the "tighter" the fit during penetration, the more sensation you might experience.

If she is very wet, that could also play a role in lowered sensation, too. Again, an increase in friction from positions that create a tighter fit may help with this but if it's possible to wipe some of her natural lubrication off or away here and there, that might help as well.

Additionally, it may be worth talking to her about this — not only for coming up with solutions to try together but just so she's aware of what you're going through.

One thing that crossed my mind... our brains are inherently tied to our sexual responses (or lack thereof). You mentioned grieving your late wife for a year before moving on, but is there or could there be, on some level, grief or other related emotions that may be affecting your sexual response now?

Our minds are powerful things and even if such emotions or thoughts aren't right there on the surface (or if we don't think they are), they can still affect us in unexpected ways, including hindering our sexual responses.

[netzone23]

Thank you for your responses.

[atskitty2]

Hi netzone23 Welcome in!
My first thought was as Alison suggested, that this is very likely a mental block that you are experiencing. You say that you gave yourself a year to grieve, and then I'm guessing you found your fiancé right away, moved rather quickly and became engaged, since it's only been a total of 2 years since your wife passed.

While we all grieve very differently, and at our own pace, this does raise the question of how fully healed you may be after losing a 17-year relationship so tragically. Whether you realize it or not, there can be some residual factors that shape the way we navigate new relationships, including intimacy and our ability to express ourselves and feel close to another person.
This is probably a rather scary thought for you that Alison and I propose, and I'm guessing it's not pleasant to consider what that may mean for you and your fiancé. It doesn't necessarily mean that you have to break up, or that this cannot be solved, if it is part of the issue.

Have you had any grief counseling in that year following your wife's death? or since? I think I'd start there if you haven't. Reason being, this may be useful for you regardless of whether it's actually the cause of your sexual issues. It's kind of a "2 birds with one stone" approach. I've volunteered with hospice several years now, and I've known nobody that didn't benefit from some sessions with our advisors, regardless the circumstances of death. It just helps the healing process and sets people off on sure-footing for re-engaging with life without their loved one. We typically do a year of counseling with our patient's families, to start, and then reassess. Give it some thought.


Secondly, I really think you need to discuss this with your fiancé. Communication is key to everything in a healthy and close intimate relationship, and perhaps nowhere more importantly than sexually. Talk to her, get this out in the open so that you can begin to work through the possible causes, and find solutions.
It could be that her anatomy is very different and that things just don't "hit" the right places. As her first sexual partner, does she even realize that you're not fulfilled? I'm curious about the dynamic there, and how this plays out during and after intercourse.

Also, have you had a physical exam recently? Have you spoken to your physician about the changes you're experiencing to be certain that you don't have any health-related concerns? That's something to consider as well, and worth a visit to rule out anything physical that you can address.

All the best to you. I'm a bit late to the post here, so I hope that you return and share your thoughts and outcomes.

[netzone23]

I did grief counseling for many months and it helped me greatly. I'll share a bit about my fiancé. I met her 12 years ago as a coworker we worked together on a team for seven years before she moved onto another job. We stayed in contact with Facebook and a group of us would go out on Friday to Applebee's and do karaoke.

After my wife had passed away a group of my friend including my fiancé would hang out regularly. Over time some of my friend had gotten better jobs and moved to different cities and it ended up with my fiancé and me hanging out together strictly as friends. A little over a year since my wife had passed thing turned romantic. I asked her out and she said no. Then two weeks later she said she would only go on three dates with me and see were it goes from there.

Ten months after my wife passed I became emotion stable and that was the help of counseling and very good friends. I ended my counseling after 11 months. My wife months before she passed made me promise I would move on with my life and find someone else. She didn't want me to be alone the rest of my life. Because of this conversation when I started a relationship I didn't feel guilty like some people who have lost their spouse does.

You mention does she know that I'm not being fulfilled. Yes she knows when I'm not fulfilled. I would tell her that my back was bothering me because I didn't want her to blame herself. However she would say its unfair for only one of us to get pleasure. She always made sure my needs got met and I always made sure her needs were met.

I do have a upcoming doctor's appointment for a yearly wellness exam. I'll think about talking to him about issues...maybe. I find it difficult to talk to doctors about sex related topics.

I know I am being very detailed hopeful with this it can give you some insight into my life. I'm going to have a talk with my fiancé today.

I will keep you updated on what happens.

Thank You for your advice.

[jns]

I did grief counseling for many months and it helped me greatly. I'll share a bit about my fiancé. I met her 12 years ago as a coworker we worked together on a team for seven years before she moved onto another job. We stayed in contact with Facebook and a group of us would go out on Friday to Applebee's and do karaoke.

After my wife had passed away a group of my friend including my fiancé would hang out regularly. Over time some of my friend had gotten better jobs and moved to different cities and it ended up with my fiancé and me hanging out together strictly as friends. A little over a year since my wife had passed thing turned romantic. I asked her out and she said no. Then two weeks later she said she would only go on three dates with me and see were it goes from there.

Ten months after my wife passed I became emotion stable and that was the help of counseling and very good friends. I ended my counseling after 11 months. My wife months before she passed made me promise I would move on with my life and find someone else. She didn't want me to be alone the rest of my life. Because of this conversation when I started a relationship I didn't feel guilty like some people who have lost their spouse does.

You mention does she know that I'm not being fulfilled. Yes she knows when I'm not fulfilled. I would tell her that my back was bothering me because I didn't want her to blame herself. However she would say its unfair for only one of us to get pleasure. She always made sure my needs got met and I always made sure her needs were met.

I do have a upcoming doctor's appointment for a yearly wellness exam. I'll think about talking to him about issues...maybe. I find it difficult to talk to doctors about sex related topics.

I know I am being very detailed hopeful with this it can give you some insight into my life. I'm going to have a talk with my fiancé today.

I will keep you updated on what happens.

Thank You for your advice.

Hi netzone23 . Welcome to WH Interactive Forums. Lubrication, whether natural or otherwise, can make a big difference in perceived friction and feel. With being married many years, you became very tuned in to the tightness of your wife. Your fiancé does not provide the same sensation. Have you been using masturbation in between? That can sometimes cause problems. I have diabetes and that can also cause problems. Getting older can also make a guy less sensitive. Have you tried a ring designed for a penis to keep yourself very erect? Are you as fit as you were? When men put on weight, weight can make it so that the penis doesn't stick out as far and so it cannot penetrate as much. Does your fiancé sexually excite you as much as you wife did? Getting an maintaining an erection through ejaculation is very much a mental exercise. Sometimes a change is needed to get your head fully in the game, such as fantasizing or switching who is in charge. Lastly, have you considered medications that can help in getting and keeping an erection?

[netzone23]

Thank you for your suggestions. I did not know of a ring that can help me stay erect I'm going to look into that. After losing my wife I stopped caring about what I ate and ate a lot of junk food. Everyone has different coping devices mine was food and soda. Last month I went back to my old diet. So much easier to gain weight and a lot harder to lose it.

My fiancé excites me a bit more than my wife did. I do not masturbate. I talked with her last night about my issues. She started to get upset but I told her it's not her fault and it's my issue but we will work together to figure it out.

Before I talk to my doctor about meds I'm looking into all natural methods like horny goat weed and if those don't work then I might talk to my doctor about meds.

Thank you all for your advice. I'll keep you updated.