[Jessica1801]

I am 42. My son is 14 and my daughter is 13. I wouldn't say I am the primary caregiver my husband and I split the responsibilities. I do still take some time for myself most taking bubble bath o reading. Like you mentioned I just have a hard time getting in the mood. I am looking into those books that were mentioned and also get to look for a certified sex counselor in the area
Thank you all for the advice so far
know you are not alone is truly helpful

[Jessica1801]

I tried lastnight to provide myself a little self pleasure and I was focused on not judging myself and really paying attention to what was happening. I made sure that I had some along time and I would not be disturbed. The kids were doing homework and my husband was watching tv. I was taking. Bubble bath and put on some music. Everything started ok. My body was responding to my touch but after a minute or so I had trouble keeping my mind on target. I stated thinking about everything that I needed to do. Everything that I had forgot to do. I got so distracted I couldn't finish. So I stopped. I was fighting feeling like I failed again but it wasn't working. I got out of the tub and went on with my night. Then when it was bed time we got the kids settled in and my husband and I went to bed together. He held me for about 15 minutes then he was asleep. I thought about waking him up because I was somewhat in the mood. However I started to get wrapped up in my head that I might not be able to finish and I would disappoint him so it would be best to let him sleep. My body was still feeling urges so I rolled on my back and slipped my undies off to try to pleasure myself. My husband is a very sound sleeper so I tried holding his hand while I touched myself. I am so sorry for saying this it sounds terrible but I felt like it was finally working. I slipped my hand in hubbies pants hoping he would wake up. He didn't. I even tapped him on the shoulder because I was sure I could finish. But he just snored and rolled over. I pulled one of my toys out of the nightstand and tried to finish but I wasn't able to keep the feelings of being a failure out of my head. I tried thinking of anything under the sun besides what a failure I was sneak in but it wasn't going very well. I was determined that I was going to be successful and even tried some of my more extreme fantasy topics in my head but then it was like this is to much effort and not even worth it. I gave up soon after. Got dressed and tried to sleep. I started to get upset laying there and feeling like I had failed again and that something must be wrong with me. Even though this was a bad experience I do feel good knowing that I kept a record of my feelings in the hope I can use it now to improve.

[jns]

I tried lastnight to provide myself a little self pleasure and I was focused on not judging myself and really paying attention to what was happening. I made sure that I had some along time and I would not be disturbed. The kids were doing homework and my husband was watching tv. I was taking. Bubble bath and put on some music. Everything started ok. My body was responding to my touch but after a minute or so I had trouble keeping my mind on target. I stated thinking about everything that I needed to do. Everything that I had forgot to do. I got so distracted I couldn't finish. So I stopped. I was fighting feeling like I failed again but it wasn't working. I got out of the tub and went on with my night. Then when it was bed time we got the kids settled in and my husband and I went to bed together. He held me for about 15 minutes then he was asleep. I thought about waking him up because I was somewhat in the mood. However I started to get wrapped up in my head that I might not be able to finish and I would disappoint him so it would be best to let him sleep. My body was still feeling urges so I rolled on my back and slipped my undies off to try to pleasure myself. My husband is a very sound sleeper so I tried holding his hand while I touched myself. I am so sorry for saying this it sounds terrible but I felt like it was finally working. I slipped my hand in hubbies pants hoping he would wake up. He didn't. I even tapped him on the shoulder because I was sure I could finish. But he just snored and rolled over. I pulled one of my toys out of the nightstand and tried to finish but I wasn't able to keep the feelings of being a failure out of my head. I tried thinking of anything under the sun besides what a failure I was sneak in but it wasn't going very well. I was determined that I was going to be successful and even tried some of my more extreme fantasy topics in my head but then it was like this is to much effort and not even worth it. I gave up soon after. Got dressed and tried to sleep. I started to get upset laying there and feeling like I had failed again and that something must be wrong with me. Even though this was a bad experience I do feel good knowing that I kept a record of my feelings in the hope I can use it now to improve.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Maybe the solution isn't focusing on any one thing but rather focusing on nothing at all so when you are reaching climax, you are entirely in the moment and surrendering to the pleasure. I wonder if a hypnotist or a therapist that knows how to hypnotize people would be a solution. I used to ski and I liked to go fast and go down steep terrain. The requirements of the skiing pushed all other thoughts out of my head and I felt pleasure in skiing good. I would be tired at the end of the day but mentally I was very relaxed. So I guess that is the other alternative, being so focused that other thoughts cannot intrude.

[JonnyR]

Jessica1801 Do you think that it would have been easier to stay in the moment if your husband had participated (with the intention of just having fun and without any expected or designed outcome)?

I agree with jns in that if you find something that totally and completely occupies your mind, there are no room for other thoughts.

For example, when I workout and am doing a very intense workout, there are NO other thoughts -- it is blissful just focusing on my breathing, the fatigue, the pain, and just being in the moment -- there are no voices or intrusive thoughts.

What if, the pleasure WAS the thought...not trying to receive or induce it, but rather surrendering to it -- in a sense of "hmm...this feels really good, I'm going to keep doing this..." without the thoughts of having to climax, having a specific end/goal, or needing to make it any more than it is.

Sometimes, a random thought enters your mind, but that's ok...go with it, and don't feel bad or shamed.

I've learned long ago to just go with whatever I am feeling without shame or judgement, even if it is "weird" or a thought that I would never tell anyone I just had.

I find that actually trying to diminish or "forget" that thought makes it much worse...if you think about a fantasy that has never before come into your mind, fine, go with it...

But mostly, give yourself the permission to play, experiment, and just be...there is no right or wrong here.

And there is no outcome! Don't even worry about orgasm...just do what feels good, enjoy it, and play with the natural ebb and flow of the thoughts that come.

[Jessica1801]

JonnyR. It's hard to say. I thi k if he would have woke up I would have felt like I had to finish and that might have ripped me out of the mood. I wish I could pin point what caused this to change. I never had this issue when I was younger. I don't know when I left things get this bad. It's like so may other things were more important idk.

I know what you mean about staying focused. I can normally block out things when i am working out and i stay focused. I do it at work. I do it while working out. I can do it when i am focused on other people but I don't have the set worth to make myself that important at the moment. I have thought about just forcing myself to be with my husband but that's not fair to either of us.

[JonnyR]

Jessica1801 The sound of "forcing" yourself to do anything doesn't sound good for many reasons.

Do you feel that perhaps your time for you, and yourself is wasted somehow or not as deserving as others' time?

In my personal training practice, I've worked with a lot of mothers who are martyrs or approach their motherhood as a guilty, self-sacrificing endeavor where if they even think of themselves, they aren't worthy of love, or will somehow diminish their children's experiences.

What I do know is that when mommy is happy, the entire family is happy, and that includes self-gratification and sexuality.

How about a couple of things -- first block out time for yourself and/or your husband to play and experiment and have fun. There is no end game here -- no need to focus on orgasm, climaxing, or anything. It's all about touch, reconnecting and doing what feels good in the moment.

"Date night" is a thing -- kids out of the house, or you guys on a weekend away, no agenda, no to-do list, just playing with your eroticism.

Maybe you talk about fantasies (with no judgments!); maybe you just lay on top of each other and mirror each other's breathing; maybe you massage each other -- and in a way that is truly 100% giving the other pleasure, not expecting a massage in return; maybe you masturbate for each other mutually at the same time, or separately; maybe you do all or none or some combination of these in some way that feels good for you....

The goal is to relax, connect, and disconnect from the intrusive thoughts and ideas and guilt -- and allow play, fun, eroticism and mystery to get involved.

Ask each other curious questions about sex -- not judgmental ones -- that lead to exploring and seeing your partner in a whole new light: "wow...I didn't know they were this interesting...or liked doing these things...or used to be like this..."

Once curiosity, intrigue and kindness replace the hurt, anxiety, resentment and disappointment, watch how it also changes the erotic play!

The best sex I've ever had was AFTER times when I'd been the most honest with my partner -- yes, classic stuff like breakup/makeup sex, but also talking about childhood, hopes, dreams, fears, and being vulnerable -- it created such an erotic charge to be honest and laid bare with someone you trust that the other stuff is just gone -- poof -- and the moment takes over.

You can try these things with yourself first and/or with your husband, but treat this as a fun thing -- not another to-do list or task!

At first you might not be that into this, or trust it, or he might feel the same...but just be vulnerable, honest and open without judgment and you'll start to feel and see a change.

[Wednesday L.F.]

It’s definitely true for many people that focusing on orgasm is counterproductive. It puts pressure on, which makes everything more difficult. There are also chemical things you can try from a glass of wine to a weed gummi or even a CBD lube (which can be helpful for relaxation and mild pain) depending on your tolerance for such things.

When my hub and I went through a dry spell, one of the things we did was plan to go to bed early to spent time talking, shopping for sex toys online (usually more discussing than buying) or even looking at porn and discussing what we like or dislike about it.

[Jessica1801]

Sorry all. Life has been hectic. I'll try and update you all in a bit

[Jessica1801]

My son brought home the flu and it made its rounds in the house. My daughter got it followed by my husband and then me.

[Wednesday L.F.]

My son brought home the flu and it made its rounds in the house. My daughter got it followed by my husband and then me.

Oh, Yikes! That’s a drag. Hope everyone is feeling better soon.