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  • Husband upset because I don't want sex

    So this has been ongoing ever since we got married...My husband is in the marines and is finishing up his schooling right now. We got married while he was on boot leave back in August of 2013. We used to have sex at least twice a week before he left for bootcamp. I'm not really sure if anything's changed but I just don't want to have sex anymore. I'm never horny like I used to somewhat be, and I haven't masturbated in months. I still love my husband and think he's attractive and all that jazz but thinking about sex just turns me off. I think maybe it's because I've never gotten off from it. Sex feels like nothing to me, like most women (don't lie!) and even if he tries to touch me, it just doesn't feel good. He's gotten me off a few times with oral but I feel awkward when he's doing something for me and I'm not doing anything for him. We've tried 69 but he either gets off before me and then is too tired to continue or gets distracted and I make him stop so I can finish him and get it over with. Sex has really become a chore for me. He asks for it every single day and gets upset and angry when I tell him no. It's even become something to bargain with...if I want to do something and he doesn't, he wants sex out of it because he knows I don't want to have sex and it's honestly the only way he'll get it now.

    It's starting to drive a wedge between us and I don't know if I should feel guilty or be upset with him. We're a very young married couple, but we're both willing to work things out when problems come up. It's just I don't know how to fix this one. I've been told by my friends that I shouldn't have to have sex if I don't want it, but at the same time, he's used to having sex multiple times a week and now he maybe gets it a few times a month and I suppose he feels cheated. Actually, he broke down one night and told me every time I reject him, it makes him feel inadequate and like something is wrong with him. And I always tell him I love him and I shouldn't have to prove it through sex but it's not getting through to him. Every time I say no, he thinks it's because I don't love him.

    So I don't know what to do. Trust me, I WISH I had a high sex drive. But it's not as easy as just doing it. Every time I give in and just do it, I lay there praying for it to be over as soon as possible. I don't enjoy myself. He tries to get me to enjoy it but I just can't. And it's not as easy as just letting go and relaxing. For me, it's like me telling you to go streak naked through a mall. It's embarassing beyond belief, and afterwords you feel humiliated. Heck, I kiss with my eyes open because closing them feels unnatural and weird. Maybe this whole issue has something to do with my insecurities, but I'm sick of being pestered for sex every single day and then guilt-tripped and feel bad when he's upset with me...

    Are we both in the wrong? Is there anything I can do or say to make things better?

  • OK, a number of disconnected thoughts:

    First - this is a really important issue, I don't think a relationship can be happy without a good sex life. It is normal for people to want sex frequently, his desire will not ever just go away. Being turned down for sex by someone you love is really devastating.

    Many women really do enjoy sex - a LOT. If you read through the posts here you will find many women who are miserable because their boyfriends / husbands are turning them down for sex.

    Did you ever enjoy sex with him? Could this be physical? Are you on birth control? Some types of BC can completely destroy the libido of some women.

    If I'm reading correctly he is willing to try do do things to please you in bed - even if he isn't very good at it. His willingness to try is important.

    Try not to ever trade sex for other things. That will make it seem even more of a chore. Sex is something a couple enjoys doing together, for both of their pleasures. Sure, if you have an active sex life, doing an occasional "special favor" for your partner (something they really like but you don't much) is fine - but that is rare - and usually enjoyable just for the pleasure they get.

    You don't need to have sex if you don't enjoy it, but you really do need to figure out why you don't enjoy sex. Physical? Maybe counseling? Maybe you have just gotten into a bad set of habits?


    One thing to think about: when there is a couple with very mismatched levels of desire for sex, you can fall into a trap. The one who wants less sex is always feeling pressured. The one who wants more is constantly feeling rejected. Every time they are close, the one who is starving for sex cannot help but make the touch sexual. The one who wants less feels that all their partner cares about is sex. Imagine if a couple were forced to always eat the same amount of the same food. One might feel the other was a glutton, caring about nothing but food. The other would be constantly starving, unable to think about food.

    I've been in this situation as far as mismatched desires for sex and it is completely poisonous to a happy marriage. We finally solved it, have sex regularly , both enjoy it and both our lives are immesurably happier. I waited 25 years - don't wait that long, try to fix this now.

    Comment


    • I really appreciate your reply. It brought a lot of things to my attention. I did enjoy sex, but to an extent, I think. It's hard for me to get off. It takes a very long time to get off just by masturbation so I always feel pressured and feel like he's getting impatient, so I guess that stresses me out. The only way I can get off is if he gives me oral, and by then it could be 1-2 hours later. I would normally be willing to have sex with him even if it means I don't get anything out of it, but I've been told the opposite so many times that I think it's starting to affect the way I think about the situation. The big question was whether it's right or not...I have a lot of people telling me he's being selfish and that I shouldn't have sex if I don't want to, but it's not fair to him. I was hoping someone would tell me different and explain why...which you did. So thank you!

      As far as BC, I am on the pill, although I went off for a few months while I moved to a new duty station but I didn't feel a change. I mostly chalked it up to being away from friends and family and the stress of not having a job in an unfamiliar new place.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by Damieboo View Post
        I have a lot of people telling me he's being selfish and that I shouldn't have sex if I don't want to, but it's not fair to him.
        Are these people in healthy, happy marriages?
        "Those sowing seed with tears
        Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

        Comment


        • RC is correct. A healthy mutually enjoyable sex life is essential for a long lasting marriage. Men generally strengthen their emotional connection with his partner through intimacy. Like it or not, your sexual desire for him validates him as a man. Showing no interest will certainly make him feel inadequate. It may also have the effect of driving him away. If you love him, both of you need to admit that there is a problem and deal with it openly and honestly.

          Here are my suggestions:

          1. Sex is usually the first thing that suffers when things are going poorly in a relationship. Is that true with you? Were things better in your marriage when you enjoyed sex? Work on your marriage and sex should come naturally.

          2. Sex suffers when you are feeling badly about you. Are you depressed? Anxious?

          3. Deal with your insecurities about sex. There are plenty of therapists that can help. There are also plenty of books on the subject that can help identify the issues you may be having.

          I wish you both the best if luck.
          "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

          Comment


          • First of all, you're fooling yourself if you think we women don't enjoy sex. A great many of us do enjoy it--a lot (even us old gals). ;-)

            You say you've never really gotten off from sex. Maybe that's your problem. I think your husband needs to work on foreplay. Don't move on to intercourse until you've had at least a good orgasm or two in foreplay.

            >Sex has really become a chore for me. He asks for it every single day and gets upset and angry when I tell him no.>

            I don't think he's angry; I think he's frustrated.

            >It's starting to drive a wedge between us and I don't know if I should feel guilty or be upset with him.>

            Don't be upset with him for wanting to love on you.

            >Actually, he broke down one night and told me every time I reject him, it makes him feel inadequate and like something is wrong with him. And I always tell him I love him and I shouldn't have to prove it through sex but it's not getting through to him. Every time I say no, he thinks it's because I don't love him.>

            He's hurting. You're rejecting him. The way he sees it, you don't want him. Rejection is hard for anyone, but especially being rejected by the one you love.

            I agree that counseling may be in order. You might also both want to read ****She Comes First****, by Ian Kerner. Others may have other book recommendations, but I think that one might help.

            I agree with rcoreyus that your birth control could be lowering your libido. Anti-depressants can take your desire for sex away too.

            I do hope you can learn to like sex with your husband. Good luck!

            Comment


            • You need to be honest with him (and yourself). If you don't mind not having an orgasm, make sure he understands that. Most people though do want an orgasm during sex. If you are slow to orgasm by yourself, then being slow with him may not be anything he can fix. Do you or have you considered using a vibrator during sex? That might let you have an orgasm more quickly. If it really takes an hour of oral for you, there are not a lot of people who are able to keep that up for that long.

              BTW -nothing wrong with you if you are slow to orgasm, its quite common in women.

              Personally, I think its fine to have sex without an orgasm - sometimes, but not always. Nothing wrong with a quickie just for your partner, but there should also be lots of sessions you both enjoy.

              Comment


              • The first thing that popped into my mind was medication. Many medications are used for off label purposes such as anti-depressants, anti-pschotics, and/or anti-convulsants. Hormonal birth control can kill and bury your libido. Sometimes women have to try several before finding a BC pill that works for them without negative side effects, while others resort to charting their basal temperature because hormonal BC caused too many problems/side effects.

                A second school of thought, have you had a really bad experience in your past? Sometimes people who have been molested/raped suppress emotional scars and then a trigger manifests those negative feelings with a vengeance.

                Honestly, I thoroughly enjoy sex and the more I get, the more I want. There have been times, due to health reasons, that my husband and I have had to refrain and during those times, the less I got it, the less I wanted. Maybe because I knew it wasn't possible??

                You've stated that your husband got you off a few times with oral, but you felt awkward. Is it possible that you have an aversion to oral because mentally you are second guessing if he enjoys performing it on you? It sounds like he is open minded and willing to try, but you'd rather not be bothered because it feels like a chore, one that you despise. Bargaining…um…I don't feel is conducive to a healthy relationship/marriage. My personal view on this: I would feel like bargaining was a form of selling or trading myself off. I'm sure there are many people who do this, it's just not my cup of tea and I'd never judge someone else for doing it. (I fall into that second school of thought from above, and though I won't go into detail, my thoughts on this are definitely a factor!)

                No one should EVER force themselves on another. The two of you had sex fairly regularly prior to marriage if I've read correctly, and now you are repulsed/have no desire for intimate contact. He may even feel cheated because of this. Communicating your love for him is great, but I think he is thinking along the lines of: telling me is great but showing me would be better.


                It's embarassing beyond belief, and afterwords you feel humiliated.
                Why do you feel embarrassed and humiliated? I feel like the answer to this question is the root of the problem. You don't have to answer the question for us, it's just something to reflect on that may help you find answers.

                [QUOTE] Maybe this whole issue has something to do with my insecurities/QUOTE]

                Do you care to elaborate since you have anonymity?

                You don't have to worry about being judged on WH because we are here to help others. The members on this forum have been my rock when I was crumbling and they helped me put things into perspective. The more you are willing to open up, the more insight we have so that we may offer sound advice.

                Euphoric

                Comment


                • This is my feelings only, others here will probably disagree with me.

                  Like you I do not enjoy sex, I did for my first year of marriage but not anymore. Unlike you, I consider it my "wifely duty" to satisfy my husbands sexual needs and desires. I accepted this when we got married for better or for worse. I therefore have sex with him when he asks me, usually 3-4 times a week. Like you, I just want it to get over with but I try not to let that spoil it for him. I love my husband and do take some pleasure when he is experiencing pleasure.

                  If I ever feel I can no longer fulfill my "wifely duties" I will ask him for a divorce as it would not be fair to him to stay married.
                  [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
                  Not thinking about anything is Zen. Once you know this, walking, sitting, or lying down, everything you do is Zen.
                  ― Bodhidharma

                  Comment


                  • Damieboo: Here is one man's perspective: You are not at all alone. There are millions of women in the same boat as you. For your marriage to survive there has to be some compromise that will leave him satisfied and leave you feeling loved and respected. For him to demand sex from you 5 or 6 times a day, everyday, would not be reasonable. On the other hand 2-3 times a week is not at all unusual for a young couple. You should not be made to feel like a prostitute and at the same time he should feel comfortable and confident asking you for sex, especially since he agreed to forsake all other women when you both stood at the alter. I'm sure he'd like you to "feel" some desire while you're making love. But the sooner you both get past this the quicker the pressure will subside. As a young married man, your husband is a sexual being and having sex (with you) is something that helps define him, physically and emotionally. If you deny him sex, you will slowly but surely chip away at his well being. But he should find a way of asking you (seducing you) that makes you feel loved, appreciated, and desirous (even if not horny) of giving sex. Early in my marriage, my wife too, lost her sexual urge and would turn me down frequently. This led to horrible tensions in our marriage and family life. One day we had a talk and I explained to her that for me having sex was like breathing, if I didn't take a breath soon I would start suffocating. I think she understood. I, too, learned to be affectionate with her without expectation.

                    You can be accommodating to your husband without feeling horny. You can be loving and caring and have great intimacy. The two of you will have to work something out so that sex doesn't feel like being "pestered." He will have to learn the art of affection and how to display acts of manliness to make you feel womanly. You will have to learn to be receptive to his needs and offer yourself to him, willingly and lovingly, even if you're not "feeling" it.

                    I wish you both many happy years.
                    Last edited by PhrendlyPhil; 04-22-2014, 07:00 PM. Reason: wrong word

                    Comment


                    • Well as a man I can relate to this a bit..... my wife & I have been married 11.5 years and have an 'ok' sex life
                      I say it's ok because if we have sex once a week it's ok... LOL
                      anyway communication is the key.... my wife and I had a talk about it recently and she admitted sometimes she is just not in the mood for sex, where as I'm basically ready to go 24 hrs a day.
                      I think women need a lot more 'build up' for sex.... e.g. cook them a nice meal, compliment them on what they are wearing, tell them you love them regularly...etc... and that is more likely to put them 'in the mood' if you know what I mean.
                      If my wife looks at me with her sexy smile or wears a sexy scarf or something, that can put me in the mood instantly....

                      like I said communication is the key - have a talk to your hubby and explain your situation and how you feel, hopefully he will understand

                      Good Luck!

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by Damieboo View Post
                        So this has been ongoing ever since we got married...My husband is in the marines and is finishing up his schooling right now. We got married while he was on boot leave back in August of 2013. We used to have sex at least twice a week before he left for bootcamp. I'm not really sure if anything's changed but I just don't want to have sex anymore. I'm never horny like I used to somewhat be, and I haven't masturbated in months. I still love my husband and think he's attractive and all that jazz but thinking about sex just turns me off. I think maybe it's because I've never gotten off from it. Sex feels like nothing to me, like most women (don't lie!) and even if he tries to touch me, it just doesn't feel good. He's gotten me off a few times with oral but I feel awkward when he's doing something for me and I'm not doing anything for him. We've tried 69 but he either gets off before me and then is too tired to continue or gets distracted and I make him stop so I can finish him and get it over with. Sex has really become a chore for me. He asks for it every single day and gets upset and angry when I tell him no. It's even become something to bargain with...if I want to do something and he doesn't, he wants sex out of it because he knows I don't want to have sex and it's honestly the only way he'll get it now.

                        It's starting to drive a wedge between us and I don't know if I should feel guilty or be upset with him. We're a very young married couple, but we're both willing to work things out when problems come up. It's just I don't know how to fix this one. I've been told by my friends that I shouldn't have to have sex if I don't want it, but at the same time, he's used to having sex multiple times a week and now he maybe gets it a few times a month and I suppose he feels cheated. Actually, he broke down one night and told me every time I reject him, it makes him feel inadequate and like something is wrong with him. And I always tell him I love him and I shouldn't have to prove it through sex but it's not getting through to him. Every time I say no, he thinks it's because I don't love him.

                        So I don't know what to do. Trust me, I WISH I had a high sex drive. But it's not as easy as just doing it. Every time I give in and just do it, I lay there praying for it to be over as soon as possible. I don't enjoy myself. He tries to get me to enjoy it but I just can't. And it's not as easy as just letting go and relaxing. For me, it's like me telling you to go streak naked through a mall. It's embarassing beyond belief, and afterwords you feel humiliated. Heck, I kiss with my eyes open because closing them feels unnatural and weird. Maybe this whole issue has something to do with my insecurities, but I'm sick of being pestered for sex every single day and then guilt-tripped and feel bad when he's upset with me...

                        Are we both in the wrong? Is there anything I can do or say to make things better?

                        Good Day Damie, myself I never been through this with my wife we both have a awesome sex life. But what I see here is you just want to be married but have no sexually feeling or activities towards it at all. Most men need some sexually release and I believe if you don't come around by seeking help with a sex therapist to find out why you have no sexually feeling to have sex with your husband. I am sorry to say he's going to look else where for it. But you are so right do not have sex because your husband guilt's you into it or uses sex for him to do stuff for you that to me is so wrong it's like black mail screw that. Was you planning on having kids later on or kids never will be in the picture of your marriage. I really think you need to get your mind back into your marriage and let your husband know you having these issue. So get him involved to seek help to kick start this marriage that both you will enjoy later on with a healthy sex life in your marriage, if not I see you not staying married much longer. I hope this gave you a view from a man side of this.
                        When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

                        Comment


                        • I suggest you divorce, if sex was great for you in the beginning and now that he's been away at training you suddenly lost interest, that means you never had any interest to begin with. Perhaps you don't actually like men, but think you should. If looking at your marine husband naked who I am sure is physically fit does nothing to turn you on then your are probably lesbian. You can have feeling for a man, but not love him. True lovers desire each other emotionally and sexually. Divorce and let the man find happiness instead of torturing him.

                          Comment


                          • My wife used to take a long time to reach orgasm as well, however a little study of female anatomy and asking her what feels good. Now I can get her there in about 3-5 minutes. Its really technique and making sure she likes what your doing, not every women enjoys oral.

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by Damieboo View Post
                              He's gotten me off a few times with oral but I feel awkward when he's doing something for me and I'm not doing anything for him.
                              When I give oral, I prefer that she just take it in instead of getting busy trying to do something for me. That is not to say I haven't had fun at 69 but I don't get much out of a bj. Her being distracted giving the bj just makes it take more time to get her off.

                              Damie, do you enjoy climaxing?
                              I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                              ...
                              Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                              From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                              Comment

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