My boyfriend doesn't turn me on... help!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I am 20 but I am not that inexperienced. I had slept with three men before I met my boyfriend. I don't live with him. I am at college and he visits me a couple of times a week. He doesn't stay overnight, just visits in the day.

When I say in-experienced, a man 38 years of age, if you can appreciate, has probably had several relationships, or let's say at least 20 years of sex, certainly... So, he is way more experienced.

If you don't feel comfortable with something you need to discuss that with your partner and find other ways, methods that you do feel comfortable with.

So, 12 months in a relationship with a man, whom sees you twice a week, never stays over, just visits, during the day and at these times, wishes for sex, but settles for bj's, yes? You don't go out for dinner, he doesn't buy you anything, but he makes you feel safe...

So tell me, all the lovely things about him, you know, like where he lives, how far away, have you ever been to his house? Do you ring him lots at home? Does he have kids? What's his favourite hobbie, those types of things, just trying to get a picture here so bare with me...

Are you also comfortable with daylight, is his manhood larger than you are used to? This could also be a trigger for why maybe it hurts for you.

CW

[ThexMrs]

His age does bother me slightly as it makes me feel quite inferior as he knows so much more about everything. I met him when I was learning to drive - he was my teacher, so we spent lots of time together in the car talking. That is how I know him.

Maybe you should read, "Is He Mr. Right? By Mira Kirshenba" Lol... I'm not trying to poke fun. I just want to lighten the mood a little. Honestly, I don't put a lot of faith in those books but I read that one and it was actually helpful. It made me think about things that I hadn't before and in the end I knew he was it.

I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 36. I have never felt inferior to him. He wouldn't let me if I wanted to. It's all about the chemistry and ours is amazing. We have every aspect of chemistry needed for a good lasting relationship. You have to have them all.

[pearlbeam]

When I say in-experienced, a man 38 years of age, if you can appreciate, has probably had several relationships, or let's say at least 20 years of sex, certainly... So, he is way more experienced.

If you don't feel comfortable with something you need to discuss that with your partner and find other ways, methods that you do feel comfortable with.

So, 12 months in a relationship with a man, whom sees you twice a week, never stays over, just visits, during the day and at these times, wishes for sex, but settles for bj's, yes? You don't go out for dinner, he doesn't buy you anything, but he makes you feel safe...

So tell me, all the lovely things about him, you know, like where he lives, how far away, have you ever been to his house? Do you ring him lots at home? Does he have kids? What's his favourite hobbie, those types of things, just trying to get a picture here so bare with me...

Are you also comfortable with daylight, is his manhood larger than you are used to? This could also be a trigger for why maybe it hurts for you.

CW

Oh I see what you mean. Yes he is more experienced as he has been married twice and has 4 children so I assume he has probably had sex a few times! I have not been to his house as he has a daughter who is only a couple of years younger than me and he doesn't want her to know about us in case it upsets her. This is why he can't stay over or contact me in the evenings. I am ok with that as I would probably not feel very comfortable meeting her. But I miss him like crazy and it is so difficult not being able to talk to him when I want. I get really down being on my own every night when all the other girls have their boys with them 24/7.

He isn't that big, probably verging on below average as he seems quite ashamed of it, although it doesn't bother me. Afterall a penis is a penis right? So that is not a problem. The problem is I just don't get wet or have any sexual feelings when he is kissing or touching me. Whereas when I have been with other men I get turned on just by the thought of what is going to happen (sorry if too graphic. I didn't know which was the right forum for this).

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, you don't have much intimacy with him, dinners, him staying over, it's kind of almost like a "fling" of sorts, not enough emotions involved, see where I am coming from? 2 days a week at your place and in day light... Nothing to go on there, other than can't wait to see him.

I know I am going to sound like a mum, but I have to ask, it's just that you have never been to his house, you don't even ring, he doesn't ring you?

If his daughter is your age, thereabouts, she is off doing her own thing at nights, with her mates, or in her room on a computer, or by the TV, there is absolutely no reason what so ever, that he can't call you a few times a week and chat, or go to his room and talk to you from there, via mobile phone, none....

UNLESS

He's married...

That's my opinion.... I'm sorry but it is...

It's not adding up.

CW

[pearlbeam]

Maybe you should read, "Is He Mr. Right? By Mira Kirshenba" Lol... I'm not trying to poke fun. I just want to lighten the mood a little. Honestly, I don't put a lot of faith in those books but I read that one and it was actually helpful. It made me think about things that I hadn't before and in the end I knew he was it.

I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 36. I have never felt inferior to him. He wouldn't let me if I wanted to. It's all about the chemistry and ours is amazing. We have every aspect of chemistry needed for a good lasting relationship. You have to have them all.

I haven't heard of that book but I will look it up. I am glad you are happy with your boyfriend. It would be nice to have a relationship like that but I am not a very goodlooking girl so I don't expect too much! How did feel about telling your family about the age gap or were they just happy for you anyway? I would be worried to tell my parents about my boyfriend in case they were upset.

[pearlbeam]

Well I think he is still married but they are separated. I don't know if they still live together or not (for the younger childrens' sake). At the end of the day he is choosing to be with me at the moment but he probably won't if I can't perform in the bedroom. I could not bear to lose him as he means absolutely everything to me. I am willing to try anything to find that chemistry that ThexMrs talked about as I believe he is the one for me.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well I think he is still married but they are separated. I don't know if they still live together or not (for the younger childrens' sake). At the end of the day he is choosing to be with me at the moment but he probably won't if I can't perform in the bedroom. I could not bear to lose him as he means absolutely everything to me. I am willing to try anything to find that chemistry that ThexMrs talked about as I believe he is the one for me.

I would feel that he is still married, but sweet again if they were separated and "living together", he could still call you because he has no ties to her right? They are not "together"...

Even if he went outside, and spoke to you for 5 minutes....

I have read too many of these, too many, I believe that you are mistaken as you don't even know, you say " I think"... he is still married, you have never met the kids, you have never been to the house, you only get what he tells you...

Don't you want to be sure, if this is the guy you want to be all sexy for that he's actually not still married with NO intention of leaving his wife?

You are in a safety net and so you feel loved. But, don't you want the life that your girlfriends have? Seeing your man on weekends, him staying over?

I don't believe your parents would care about his age, rather of the fact he lives with his wife, never calls you, and sees you twice a week, daytime only.

I know you can't see any of this but you deserve better..

CW

[pearlbeam]

I would feel that he is still married, but sweet again if they were separated and "living together", he could still call you because he has no ties to her right? They are not "together"...

Even if he went outside, and spoke to you for 5 minutes....

I have read too many of these, too many, I believe that you are mistaken as you don't even know, you say " I think"... he is still married, you have never met the kids, you have never been to the house, you only get what he tells you...

Don't you want to be sure, if this is the guy you want to be all sexy for that he's actually not still married with NO intention of leaving his wife?

You are in a safety net and so you feel loved. But, don't you want the life that your girlfriends have? Seeing your man on weekends, him staying over?

I don't believe your parents would care about his age, rather of the fact he lives with his wife, never calls you, and sees you twice a week, daytime only.

I know you can't see any of this but you deserve better..

CW

Thank you for your replies CW. You are right, I know I should find out if he is actually secretly with someone else but at the same time I would rather just believe what he tells me as I don't want this to end. I am SO afraid of being alone. I would rather this than nothing. I know that sounds pathetic but I really can't cope without him and I just wish I could change to be that girl who could throw herself at him to rip his clothes off as he walks through the door, but instead I am that girl who needs his hugs and strong arms to protect her and has to barter BJs in exchange for them. I know this is not going to make him want me so I have to find a way to change my feelings. But thank you for your kind words and advice. You have given me hope. I will definitely make sure that he is not married and try to find out more about his home life.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I understand lonliness, it's a hard thing to cope with, but you are a person, and people deserve good things in life..

You don't deserve 2 days a week, bartering blow jobs, to get that cuddle so you crave for from a married man...

You have friends around you, you had past boyfriends.

I would rather see you go through 2 months of lonliness, and hook up with a guy that you go out and chill with, eat dinner with, sleep next to, wake up next to, and be hugged..

You do too deep down inside...

So, do what you need to do, but squash your feelings for this one, cause if I am correct he is "using you" and his "frustration" is he wants more than blow jobs, he wants intercourse as well, cake and eat it.

You loved sex before with your other boyfriends, maybe sub consciously, you do believe that he is married, married and that's why you can't have sex with him but you need the cuddles so you compromise.

Start getting out with your friends more, meet new guys and believe that you are worth it ok.

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

I can fully relate to what you are saying in wanting to believe what he tells you, there is no pain in that. But there is also know real comfort either.

When you say the sex hurts you or you aren't being turned on, lubricants might help with that.

It sounds like you are trying to force yourself to feel a certain way about him because you hope that you eventually will feel it without trying. He is giving you something you are lacking and so you want all the other peices to fit.

I hate to sound so cliche in my next question but what is your relationship with your father like? Is he in your life? I ask because it seems like you want the care and love and support of an older man, without the sex.