[mr.mansview]

unfortunately amber men can be self centered and uncommunicative..fortunately we're not all the same..good luck and heal yourself..

[Texinator]

Sometimes it's good to let it all out, Amber. A good rant can be very therapeutic.

She said my ex was the last good catch out there.

I have no idea why she would say that. First of all, it's hurtful to you because it makes it sounds like you don't have a chance to be with someone special unless your ex decides to patch things up. Second, it's a bunch of bull.

Who knows why your ex didn't fill you in on the details. Maybe he was too embarrassed. That could certainly be the case if he has self-esteem issues. Then it also wouldn't be surprising if he thought you weren't attracted to him.

That also happens with many women. How many attractive girls are out there that honestly believe that no guy could ever find them desirable and sexy? It's a sign of having low self-esteem..

[WildChild]

Sometimes a rant is really good for you. Your GF probably read or heard that carp being spread about how after 30 a women just isn't likely to find love. It was based on the misuse of an unpublished study conducted using an inappropriate data gathering and interpretation but it still found it's way into several publications and is still widely quoted - dispite other properly conducted studies that completely disprove it. People (and the media) just seem to prefer the negative over the positive.

You stick with your path of discovery, I think it is wonderful that you are willing and able to take this on. I know women who have never even tried and it's sad. In their 40s and 50s, they have probably never had an orgasm, never masterbated, never found any joy in sex or men. They tend to be rather tense, touchy people, hard to be around, hard to work with. I was shocked when one said she's so glad she's over 50 cuz she'll never have to have sex or be close to a man again. If she was happy, it would be one thing, but she's not.

You are on a journey of discovery and unfolding. I know you are going to see success. Maybe it won't be what your friend would want but it will be good for you.

[Amber]

Something I just want to say for the record. Why, I don't know. Maybe because I feel I have to be honest with myself. I say he never really cared for me and there is a big part of me that believes me. I was just a four and a half month fantasy for him. I was the younger woman, after his ten year old than him ex, and I looked even younger than I am. The younger, cute gal who was crazy about him. And that did wonders for his ego and his self asteem. And then he finds out how I don't feel his kiss and the fantasy he had created comes to a screeching halt. No, I wasn't attracted to him and why would she, he probably thinks. (This is what he thinks but not what I know and feel. I am attracted to him.) And now a big part of me believes he has just erased me, gone on with his life, trying to solve his problems, and if he does think about me, it is no thoughts that really affect him for more than a moment or to. I was nothing to him.

I wish I could just erase him like that. While some of that may be true, there is a small part of me that doesn't believe it all. There is a small part of me that honestly believes that he did really care for me. That I wasn't just some fantasy to him. But as I type, it is getting smaller and smaller. But it is still there. It is the part that remembers all of the wonderful times we had. it is the part that remember just lying in bed with him and looking at him smiling at me. The part of me that remembers him getting chocked up the last time I saw him. A part of me really believes he did care. I say did because I honestly have no clue what he thinks now. I still believe that thinking about me doesn't even phase him anymore. Because the part I said before, I really do believe. Him finding out about the kissing, it killing his self asteem, which was probably fragile as is, and him believing that I'm not attracted to him and how could I. So no matter what I say to him, he would not believe that I am. If only I could show him. I wish I had another chance.

But I know I won't be getting that chance. And I know I will probably never know if he actually did ever care for me. That little part of me still believes that he at least did at one time. Those two parts of me will always battle inside me, wondering who is right and who is wrong. But it won't do me any good. He refuses to let me know what is real and what is not.

And I could say that I just want an explanation for why he left. It may help some but there is a part of me that say, even that would not be enough. I want him back. That is what I really want. But since that is not going to happen, an explanation would have been nice. But one I'm not getting.

So I have to move on. The thought of giving up on ever having an orgasm. No way. I'm still waiting to feel what I have been missing all of my 36 years. I want to find out what women say is so wonderful. I may be a little disappointed because in my mind, I think it is monumental but I still want to find out.

I think my friend has been looking for so long, that she just believes there is no men out there. Something that I tell myself a lot. But it is not something I'm going to let stop me. My ex showed me what it feels like to be loved and cherished. Maybe he truely didn't love me but he still was wonderful to me and I did love him. I want to feel that again. I want to find someone who will really love me this time around.

Patriot game today. Hopefully they kick some butt. And then as I said before, time to take out the toys!!

[WildChild]

You know what? You should just try to be grateful that he came into your life and he stirred the fire and woke you up to new feelings and desires. People come into our lives for a reason, this was the reason he came into yours. A door has opened for you and you've stepped though.

[Texinator]

Indeed. Would you be even be making an effort to try to explore and learn, would you even be here talking to us on WH, if you had never met him?

[Amber]

I just started to think of something on my way home from the bar that I watch the game at today. If I knew how to focus on kissing, would I still be with my ex right now?

He said he had issues to deal with. When he tried to approach one issue, ten more came up. But he never told me what they were. I can't help but wondering if this was a lie, used as a chicken way out. Was there really issues or did he just say that because it was always the chemistry thing. He said he had all these issues before I was able to explain the chemistry issue. But once I explained it to him by email, he never returned my email. He obviously didn't believe me. I can't help but wonder if I knew how to kiss, would he still be around? Or did he really have issues deep enough, that if that didn't set it off, then something else would have?

Now it hurts even worse that he didn't tell me what his issues are. I can't help but wonder if there were any. Is he really working on them now or were they made up just to get rid of me? You can say he was my learning tool for the next guy. But I didn't want to use him as a learning tool. I wanted to be with him. I loved him. But it always comes down to the fact that it is a two way street and he obviously didn't feel the same way.

[Texinator]

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

[Amber]

I want to believe he is telling the truth. I want to believe that he wouldn't have done that to me, lie like that to me but I just don't know what to believe anymore. Lack of communication drives me insane. Or I guess in this case, no communication at all.

[Texinator]

Does it really matter what happened? Could you ever know for sure? Even if you could, would it change the future?