[Miya]

I'd have to disagree here. Women are just as capable of masturbating and viewing porn, or doing both for that matter as men are. We have quite a few here who talk it about often.

I doubt any of these women have any illusions that they are in a complicated, emotional relationship with the actors they seen in porn, or with their sex toys.

As a result, I'd say that the ability to separate sex from love is a skill both genders possess.

I agree OTYA. I did this in the past and still do on occasion (though when I do it's usually sans men) so it's not always about emotional connection with me at least. Everyone is different but it's my preference.

[Haven]

His choice to occasionally view porn makes me feel like he is unhappy with what he has. He tells me it's not the case... but I can't figure out why then he would have a desire for seeing other women if he was happy with the one he had.

We learn to masturbate long before we find our special someone. Our brains rewire themselves to take pleasure from whatever we're using as an aid. It can be porn, fantasies, fetishes, anything really: we'll always be partial to what we grew up with.

Meeting someone doesn't shut that part of ourselves off. It doesn't redirect or change desires we know our partners wouldn't be comfortable with. We can relearn some things, redirect some impulses, but some of what we learned to enjoy earlier in our lives will give us an itch our partner can't - or shouldn't - scratch.

What to do is the big question. Who has to suck it up and deal. Does he have to go without something that he obviously thinks he needs? Does she have to feel terrible everytime he does this not only because it hurts her in and of itself but also because its not something he's willing to sacrafice to make her happy... therein making it more important than her.

Guys are fine with you doing watching porn, because we see it differently than you do, but you're not fine with us watching porn because you see it differently than we do. You say this is something that hurts you in and of itself, but it's not. As proof, I submit the idea that if you were fine with it too, there wouldn't be an issue.

In and of itself, this shouldn't affect you, because he's doing it when you're not there. You are not around to be affected by it. Still, you are affected by it because you find the very idea of it objectionable. It's the objection you have, an objection that isn't shared, that hurts you.

There are an limitless number of objections you can raise to the limitless number of things you and your partner can see differently. The pleasure he gets from watching porn helps him. Your objection to him doing that harms both of you. If the choice is between his pleasure and your objection, an outside observer would say that it should be your objection that goes.

The question is, can you come up with a way to let go of that objection?

If you can't, things get harder. Maybe he'd agree to forego the pleasure he gets from watching porn in exchange for something else. Maybe he'd accommodate you on this for the sake of diplomacy if you got dysfunctional enough about it. Maybe he could pretend to accommodate you on this, but keep doing it - that way you have peace of mind and he gets what he wants too.

Nothing you do can change the fact that men can look at porn behind your back if they want to. The threat of harsh punishment isn't an effective deterrent because no criminal ever commits a crime thinking they'll be caught. Ultimatums can provide vengeance but they can never provide security. For these reasons, I strongly, strongly suggest that you and other women find a way to be OK with men watching porn. It's a minor thing from our perspective, a harmless flight into fantasy that often enhances our desires for our SO, and there is no way you can know we're not doing it behind your back anyway.

[Hopeless Dork]

Haven, I realize that it can all go on without me knowing... me none the wiser and to be perfectly honest? I prefer it that way. I asked him to make it that way.

Because the thought of him masturbating to pictures of other girls turns me off A LOT... It makes me not want to do all the very special little sexual things I do for him. It makes me feel he is taking them for granted if he wants to use his energy on pictures.

That is not beneficial to either of us. If I shut down sexuality for him, I'll shut down emotionally towards him as well... which will leave us with nothing.

Then he will be alone to have all the flights of fantasy he wants.... just without the perks of having me for when his needs require the human touch.

Guys want it all. They don't want to give. When they are single and have nothing but porn they would give it all up in a minute for a pretty girl to touch them... when they get that pretty girl they want the porn too...

They want to lust after other women and have their real life woman be there for them too. And thats fine thats life.

But I have a choice to. I can decide to leave, and be alone.. sure it would hurt to not have him in my life but I wouldnt get the semi -regular heartache of feeling inadequate to the man I love.

I debate that to myself, often. Right now all the positive ways he treats me balances the occasional hurt he causes... if there were a shift in that balance where the happiness is not outweighing that hurt... the door -- well, I'm sure I'll find it.

[Texinator]

HD, if even finding the cleared browsing history bothers you so much, why not ask him to stay away from porn completely? He could use some pictures of you if he needs a visual aid while he is alone.

[WildChild]

It's interesting what an issue this has become. When you consider that easily ready access to porn is a very recent thing. No doubt as long as humans have been around there have been sexual representation - look at some of the old Greek and Roman pottery, it was pretty explicit. Initially books were hand lettered and illustrated for the very wealthy, there was probably some sexual stuff but I don't know, it was monks doing the lettering(we won't go there). With the printing press it had to gradually become more widely available, but even so it's taken film and finally the internet to make it just ubiquitous.

When I was a kid or teen, it was pretty much magazines (and those weren't available at the corner market) or men went to arcades in the seedy part of town or films (a few women did) we didn't have VCRs yet. Now it's just exploded, some of what passes for advertising now would have been X-rated 40 years ago. Hand in hand with that has been the huge media and marketing push to make women insecure, don't kid yourself- it was very purposefully done, to sell products. (plastic surgery is a product). Now they are working on the men, the more fear and insecurity, the more products they hope to sell us all to make up for all our deficiencies.

If you look back at past female sex symbols they weren't anemic, bullimic, Dolly Parton busted teens. They were women some of them were pretty substantual by today's standards.

We have some adjusting to do. I don't know that such continual bombardment with sexual imagery is really healthy; for individuals or relationships. It doesn't seem to be really enhancing people's relationships or sex lives - it isn't about connection, or caring and discovering each other in the deepest and most satisfying way possible. It's about objectification of both genders and getting your rocks off. The Puritan ethic didn't do it for us, this isn't either, maybe we need to find something healthier? Something more natural and loving? A sexuality that brings us closer together not puts us at greater odds with strange expectations?

Something to think about?
I think about it a lot. It part of why I'm doing so much reading on the subject

[WhiteSparrows]

They're only videos. It's not like he cheated on you.
I can understand that you would be upset, but you really shouldn't overreact over this. Alot of guys like watching videos like that and looking at porn, but that doesn't mean he loves you less or you're not good enough for him. Guys will be guys.
If he says he's sorry and won't do it again if it bothers you that much, then you should give him another chance. It sounds like he is genuinely sorry and feels bad about it.

[GlitterAndStuds]

I agree OTYA. I did this in the past and still do on occasion (though when I do it's usually sans men) so it's not always about emotional connection with me at least. Everyone is different but it's my preference.

I'm the same way. It's not often at all, but every once in a while, as I've stated before, sometimes the urge hits when I don't have access to my boyfriend. And I'm definitely one of those people who is helped along a great deal by visuals, haha. But again, I can't even remember the last time I've had to do that.

OTYA - The no masturbation agreement IS a good one. We don't have one, but I can definitely say that I haven't had the need to for a long, long time. Maybe if he's gone for a couple of days or something, but that hasn't happened yet. You guys sound like you're onto something.

[Guest]

Guys want it all. They don't want to give. When they are single and have nothing but porn they would give it all up in a minute for a pretty girl to touch them... when they get that pretty girl they want the porn too...

They want to lust after other women and have their real life woman be there for them too. And thats fine thats life.

But I have a choice to. I can decide to leave, and be alone.. sure it would hurt to not have him in my life but I wouldnt get the semi -regular heartache of feeling inadequate to the man I love.

I debate that to myself, often. Right now all the positive ways he treats me balances the occasional hurt he causes... if there were a shift in that balance where the happiness is not outweighing that hurt... the door -- well, I'm sure I'll find it.

I find this rather hypocritical. Especially so since you've expressed before that you both masturbate AND watch porn yourself. Not to mention you use sex toys, that provide stimulation that your partner could never even hope to replicate in any type of consistency.

He can't watch porn, but you can? He can't masturbate, but you can....doing things that he can't do to you? Simply because you have the complex about it?

Who's having their cake and eating it too?

I've said it before, I don't condone masturbation, sex toys or porn. But what irks me even more are people who act in a hypocritical way.

[Guest]

We have some adjusting to do. I don't know that such continual bombardment with sexual imagery is really healthy; for individuals or relationships. It doesn't seem to be really enhancing people's relationships or sex lives - it isn't about connection, or caring and discovering each other in the deepest and most satisfying way possible. It's about objectification of both genders and getting your rocks off. The Puritan ethic didn't do it for us, this isn't either, maybe we need to find something healthier? Something more natural and loving? A sexuality that brings us closer together not puts us at greater odds with strange expectations?

We've adjusted.

I'm hers, she's mine. That's all we need. I recommend it to anyone.

[Hopeless Dork]

I find this rather hypocritical. Especially so since you've expressed before that you both masturbate AND watch porn yourself. Not to mention you use sex toys, that provide stimulation that your partner could never even hope to replicate in any type of consistency.

He can't watch porn, but you can? He can't masturbate, but you can....doing things that he can't do to you? Simply because you have the complex about it?

Who's having their cake and eating it too?

I've said it before, I don't condone masturbation, sex toys or porn. But what irks me even more are people who act in a hypocritical way.

The porn I've watched since being in my relationship has been with my boyfriend... the desire to check it out on my own STOPPED.

The toys I have I've used only ONCE during my relationship... and guess what? I still wanted to have sex with my boyfriend right after I did it.

Thing is I can masturbate, and have sex immediately after and come with my boyfriend as well. I have a very high drive and capable of more than one orgasm.

With him its either or. If he has his orgasm watching porn without me, he will not have one with me that day. PERIOD. So on days he is tired or immune to my attempts to seduce I can't help but feel... yep, porn 1- HD-0. And yes that gives me a complex of feeling inadequate.