[Guest]

I don't believe I've ever stated that I prefer not to deal with a thrusting penis. I have stated many times that masterbation is simply a release and in no way comparable to intercourse.

We're getting off topic here. This wasn't an attack on HD or you. Just trying to raise a level of awareness. It's only fair, as I am made aware of new stuff here every day that makes me a better boyfriend, lover and man. Why do you think I keep coming back?

When/if she reads my posts she'll get it. And that's all I wanted to convey.

[WildChild]

Point taken.
I know this is a big issue for HD and many women. I deal with the sexual selfishness and it is frustrating. For all the complaining men in general do about women that don't want or enjoy sex, you would think that when they have a woman in their life who enjoys sex, wants it and wants it with them, that they would love it. But there are quite a number of them who either use it as some sort power game or simply don't care. They will purposely withhold sexual contact with the woman in their life. Turning to porn and masterbating is one way. Wanting bjs but being willing to do nothing in return or reciprocally is another. This is not at all unusual.

Just look at how many women we have here who desparately want a good sexual relationship with the man in their lives and just aren't able to get any kind of positive response from him. I've dealt with it a number of times, typically the man is very in to it for a breif span of time and then essentially seems to just get lazy. Kind of the well if she wants it so much, I can have it when I want it, so I won't think about that any more. They start to treat the woman kind of like an appliance, they don't really think about it, they just expect it to be working and available when they want it. If it gets noisy they either ignore it, tinker with it a bit or pitch it. Following that anology, looking at the girls on YouTube is kind of like drooling over the new models of refrigerators or cars - you know you aren't getting one but in the meantime you aren't taking care of or appreciating what you have.

[Guest]

Point taken.
I know this is a big issue for HD and many women. I deal with the sexual selfishness and it is frustrating. For all the complaining men in general do about women that don't want or enjoy sex, you would think that when they have a woman in their life who enjoys sex, wants it and wants it with them, that they would love it. But there are quite a number of them who either use it as some sort power game or simply don't care. They will purposely withhold sexual contact with the woman in their life. Turning to porn and masterbating is one way. Wanting bjs but being willing to do nothing in return or reciprocally is another. This is not at all unusual.

Agreed. But similarly, and thankfully even though i'm not part of it, I could argue the converse all day. All you have to do is turn to the posts here, which incidentally, is what brought to my attention that situations like these exist...."Girlfriend masturbating when I'm in the shower and not asking for sex", "I shut down on my husband, I'm too self conscious to have sex..." etc etc.

I choose not to take it too far because, though I could arguably be in one of the better relationships discussed on the forum, I'm called bitter when I do. Kinda strange when you present the differing view and get slighted, but hey, it's a woman's forum, and like you said, many of the people who are here are because they aren't very happy people.

So since we can both lament about the ills of each gender, I think it makes more sense not to examine things in the aggregate, but rather on a case by case basis. Sometimes you don't seem to agree with this, and tend to take things back to gender stereotypes

I happen to think, that in this case, that if HD wants her man to stop doing something, she should be also be active in her pursuit of self control. That's it. Show him you're willing to work at things, too. Why ask someone else to make all the sacrifice because simply because you said so?

I know that is how my relationships work- give and take. And it's work (though pleasant work) every day to keep things going.

[Hopeless Dork]

I've told him, plenty of times... and still feel that the porn would not hurt me as much if he still wanted sex with me, despite his viewing. That is not the pattern. The pattern is either or. The pattern is on days he spends alone and views porn, when I see him that night he DOES NOT WANT sex.

And that is hard to not to feel I am in some sort of sexual competition with those images when he makes a conscious decision to do THAT.. knowing he wont want intimacy with me after he does it.

I can masturbate 3 times in a row and guess what? I still want sexual intimacy with him. How is that a double standard? If he was able to do the same -- trust me I wouldnt care, I would not. It feels like a personal attack against my sexual adequecy when he chooses to use that stuff INSTEAD of me.

Where as I NEVER reject him sexually, when he wants, he gets... ALWAYS. When I want...I get... UNLESSS.....he's already watched porn that day... It hurts. Hypocritical or not. It makes me feel like c rap.

[Texinator]

HD, now everything makes a whole lot more sense. I was under the impression previously that his porn viewing and masturbating were in addition to having sex with you or were at least confined to days where he couldn't be with you. I thought you were simply feeling betrayed that he looks at porn at all.

It's a different matter if it's an either or thing for him and if he won't tend to your needs on the days he masturbates to porn. I can understand why you're frustrated then, because it comes across like 'I got mine already, figure out how to get yours' Does he make any attempt on those days to please you or does he shut down completely?

You need to have a talk with him and figure out why he's not interested in sex after he masturbates and why he then does it at all if he knows he won't be available for you afterward. Who knows, maybe he does it on days where he is too stressed or tired for sex and thinks that whacking off is faster and easier. But if that's the case then maybe you could compromise and instead of him looking at porn have mutual masturbation sessions or something like that.

[Hopeless Dork]

On day's he does it... he is physically distant. Its almost as if he doesn't want to let me get too close in case I start something and he isn't in the mood for that.

We had a long talk about it, many talks about it. And things got better... a whole lot better. He told me he didn't understand that I enjoyed things as much as I did. He didn't think it mattered to me. Once I explained to him that I do want it... OFTEN.... that I am fine when he's tired and not up to playing...and I'm happy and satisfied.. but if he has more to give and is giving it to himself instead of me it hurts.

He finally understood where I was coming from and things just improved... he cut back on the porn time and our sex life got 3x better. Seriously.

I still harbor some resentment from the days he wouldnt want me to touch him, then I'd peek and see he'd been doing porn that day.

I know I need to get past it , especially since it was just misunderstanding he tells me. A misunderstanding of what my needs were.

But it still happens occasionally... way way less frequently than it did in the past. But when it happens I just throw my hands up in the air and feel like giving up.

It almost hurts worse now than it did before because now HE KNOWS without a doubt that I really really enjoy our sex... so when he goes on ahead and does that it makes me feel like looking at the girls IS SOOOO necessary, that it comes before me.

I don't expect sexual activity every single day, I just hate that the possiblity of it happening is robbed from me , from us... on the days he does that. Its like the days he doesn't watch porn... some days we do have sex, some we don't ... but most days we do. But on the days he does WE DON'T. period. Isn't going to happen. And so when I know thats what he did... I just feel sick to my stomach. It took away our chance to be close.

It didn't take it away, he did by making the choice to use it. I hate that whether or not he chooses to that on any given day dictates how close we get to be that night. So its hard not to be mad at his viewing it. Its hard not to be jealous of the attention it gets on the days I don't.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Firstly, it's important to take each situation as an "individual sitiation" you can not put everything into a box.

OTYA, you watched porn off by memory and masterbated and stopped for this lady...you ensure she's satisfied between two people, nothing else.... That's you... That's your belief, thought pattern.

Other's "haven't" stopped watching Porn, such as HD's man and he "doesn't" make love to her on those occasions at all. So, he hasn't the same thought pattern as you, he chooses to still watch it whilst in a relationship, she chooses to watch it with him on occasions so that she feels a part of it, because he hasn't stopped.

No double standard ,this is his choice, he won't change it... She tries to accomodate and keep the peace instead of going nuts.

You obviously, understand that if you were watching Porn and neglecting your lady how hard that would be for her...

It is with others as well and they are in-deed going through it.

The other thing you can't put in "boxes" is sex drives. Just because two people are compatible with their core beliefs and ambitions/goals doesn't mean they are compatible in the sexual department. So, what they leave the guy, find someone who's compatible in the sexual department, therefore never requiring porn, masterbation as a result, either parties and being for one and the other only, however, fight like cat and dog in their otherside of their lives, because there, they are not compatible.

Can people compromise that much? No... So they compromise instead of the "faults" that are in their relationship and accept things they don't like such as Porn, and compensate for themselves, as they require sex but aren't getting it because he watched Porn.

You/me/others can not view and put this into a box and simply say, no.. You satisfy each other without toys or self exploration/entertainment...

We are all different and individuals.

Lastly a debate is exactly that, you don't bring in people's personal information into a debate and question it... in my opinion.

I had the best sex last night in ages, by myself, I'm single, so I assume that's okay because I don't have a man in my life, for-instance, but if I did? It would be wrong..

No it wouldn't... Unless I chose to do so in preference of him, in my opinion.

See, how we all think differently?

Besides, it releases endorphines and makes you feel sexy/sensual and good about yourself for the rest of the day, if he's not up for it, to it, there, or chosing to watch porn instead of pleasing me? pftttt...

[Texinator]

Why do you think he doesn't want to be physically intimate on the days that he has his porn sessions. Is it his sex drive?

[Guest]

OTYA, you watched porn off by memory and masterbated and stopped for this lady...you ensure she's satisfied between two people, nothing else.... That's you... That's your belief, thought pattern.

Yes, it works for me, and it works for many I know. If you look here, you can easily see the pain and suffering porn and masturbation cause, so I'd say my thought pattern of giving it up entirely is a pretty good one.

Even if I still watched porn, I would be able to satisfy my woman physically. Fortunately, I'm not the same type of guy as HD's b/f. Thank the Lord, I can, and want to get off multiple times a day.

What i'm worried about is the emotionally side of things that I think porn can corrupt. I don't want that in my life.

Lastly a debate is exactly that, you don't bring in people's personal information into a debate and question it... in my opinion.

Chandler - why did you edit my post? There was nothing attacking, harmful or untruthful in what I said. Why can we bring up my past- as you did above, but then we hide other's? What ever happened to the level playing field that some on this forum strive for so much?

[Hopeless Dork]

All of the stuff directed at me is moot now anyway. I finally reached my breaking point on it. And now I'm alone. And I hurt so bad. But that will fade. And I won't keep getting my heart broken on a weekly basis. I guess thats the silver lining. Right now. ONly clouds.